To know I’m going to waste my two days holiday

[checkedcloth]

I have zero motivation. I’ve got two days off work which I need so much as I am so tired. But yet my mindset is setting it up to be such a waste.

it’ll be mostly doing school runs and supermarket shopping etc.

I feel so fed up that I have nothing planned for myself, but yet I’d be wrecked with guilt if I did as I haven’t got much spare cash at all.

Im menopausal, and am hating this side of me that fails to see any joy and is paralysed to do anything.

essentially I just feel so bloody sorry for myself, I hate it.

Its so hard to even plan downtime when you’re exhausted. And you have commitments already with the chores & the school run, so you are already planning to do some stuff for others
would it help to ditch the idea of wasting this time/ not wasting it and just ask yourself “how can I get some well deserved rest”.
alternatively could you think back to say 5 years ago or 10 years ago or when you were a teenager - what would you have done with some free time ? Does anything still appeal?

I have this simmering resentment that my
plans always have to encompass others - I’m a nurse and so someone always needs something from me. But yet I am never ‘brave’ enough to arrange anything for myself, as I just feel guilty.

What do you enjoy doing but never get enough time for? Focus on those things, they don't have to be expensive or particularly exciting. A favourite film with snacks and no-one to have to share them with, time to sit with a book or magazine without being interrupted, sleep!

That’s the awful thing. I have nothing in my life for me that I get any enjoyment from. I literally work 12 hours a day and have a two hour commute. Weekends I do house stuff and kids to sports.

DH very anxious about money so no option to suggest a meal out and we don’t have at childcare nearby either.

my dream would be to be in a position where I’ve arranged something wonderful just for me, like a facial.

but I’d feel wracked with guilt, but resentful that I never treat myself.

I can relate to this, you're clearly putting everybody else in your life first. Could you try to think this as a time for you –maybe have a sleep and a pampering bath. I appreciate it's nothing exciting, or maybe if you could feel a bit more rested you would feel like to have been some point to your two days off. Hope you are able to enjoy them

I've just had a day at home by myself! 2 Dcs at school and a Dh at home.
I'm knackered!
So this morning I sorted tthe kids to school, then did food shopping, any other house chores including, laundry, family admin etc.
Then I made myself a nice lunch and popped some crap tv on and my alarm for an hour and had a nap!
I then went and did some outside jobs till school pickup. We did then treat our DS to Pizza Express (with our Tesco vouchers) as our DD is on school residential. Then home, packed lunches sorted etc!
Then .... bath, wine, whatever nice facial stuff you have and nice hand cream etc!

God this could be me OP. I've nothing useful but I 100% get what you mean

academictips.org/blogs/the-story-of-a-woodcutter/

A good friend told me the story in this link yesterday. It really resonated.

In order to support our family and be as good as we can be at work, we have to allow ourselves to recharge, however that might be.

I know that in practice this is difficult. I've been thinking about how I could spend time for me to recharge - for me, a long walk in beautiful countryside would tick the box for now (I'm skint so pricey treats are out of the picture for me at the moment).

When my youngest started school, on the first day, I came home, ran a lovely long bath, did all the "body maintenance" I never had time for, painted my toenails, spent time mooching around the bedroom putting things away and having a little sort through.
Can you do something like that? Won't cost, but would be relaxing.

How about you think small if you're overwhelmed at the thought of your days being wasted? Plan an hour of tv just for you. Or go for coffee and read MN for an hour. Or nap. Or walk to buy a favourite chocolate bar then come home and eat it while lying down. I'd do that

Thank you all for your kind messages and suggestions, I cannot tell you how comforting I have found your empathy.

I really do struggle with this. I would find it impossible to spend what I would see as ‘family’ money on myself. (It would have to be a credit card anyhow!) yet I earn more than my DH

we have a small bit of money each every month. My just doesn’t go far because by the time I get a hair cut, some work clothes/ tights any other essentials it’s all gone. DH can save his for nice things (he had a weekend away with mates in may) because he WFH and life is cheaper for him!

so then I just get in this downward spiral of resentment and being a bit of a martyr. I am hoping he will see my exhausted self, see I am so down and give me the permission I just would never give myself.

If he ends up with so much more money than you I think you need a discussion about family finance.

Also could you look for s job closer to home? A two hour commute on top of s demanding job would finish anyone off, to say nothing of the costs.

I agree about reviewing finances. He shouldn't have loads more spare cash.

For today, I'd get a flask of coffee and go to a nice nature reserve or something with a good book. The weather looks like it'll be a lovely day. On the way home get an ice cream and enjoy it in peace. It's very cheap but you'll get some time to yourself away from life.

yes I should have that discussion.

I have been doing that commute for nearly 3 years. It is exhausting me. Unfortunately for my role, jobs are few & far between. I am always looking but if I want to take the next step up I may even have to travel further.

I accept that that’s what my career looks like. I just feel resentful that despite all that sacrifice I don’t seem to be able to have anything for me.

You're exhausted and a couple of days off will do you good but I'd be seriously considering a job with much less of a commute. I did a 2 hour commute a few years ago and it wasn't sustainable.

For your day off I would be revelling in getting the chores done and having some me time. Plan a nice lunch at home, something you really enjoy but others don't and something nice for dinner and definitely a nap! Do you read? Perhaps you could pop to the library and get a book.

As for your spends. Have you looked on Vinted for work clothes? They have some great things on there. I'd think about selling some old clothes and then using the funds to pay for what you buy and repeat. Re hair cut, can you get an easier style that needs doing less or going to a college and getting it done cheaply. I can't afford to get my hair cut so get it done once a year and do it myself the rest of the time (some good videos on YouTube but be careful) and when I do get it cut I use a mobile hairdresser which is cheaper.

Your DH shouldn’t have more spending money than you. You can’t afford a facial but he can do a stag do 🤔. Also if he’s WFH and you have a 2 hr commute he can do the food shop and some cleaning. Just offload stuff its not all your problem.

This is very unbalanced.
Your dh shouldn't be able to afford a weekend away while you feel guilty spending any money on yourself.
Don't count your work clothes as your spending money. Is your dh right to be so worried about money?
If not, rebalance this.
Your spare time sounds unbalanced too.
Look on groupon or wowcher for any good deals on facials near you and just book it.
Go out somewhere with lots of nature for a bit as that can be very restful and calming.
You work extremely hard and deserve some rest and pleasure in your life.

Get yourself out in some fresh air. Go somewhere pretty or new if you can but the fresh air and daylight will make you feel so much better.

You know often where theres a burned out woman theres a man taking the piss (not always but often enough frankly).

That doesn't sound fair at all op. You should at least have equal money left at the end of the month, it shouldn't matter if you wfh or out of the house. What is it that you have to spend more on? Is it petrol/parking etc? You need to review finances. Also, can't you let dh do the school run whilst you're off and get a supermarket delivery instead of doing the food shop?

I agree with others...you need to discuss finances with dh. He goes away for a weekend and you are anxious about going out for a coffee/ glass of wine?
Put yourself first. You are no use to man nor beast if you become ill

Hiya x what jumps out at me is your own feelings of resentment at no wriggle room. You NEED time and to be important. You need it. It's ok to give it to yourself every month. You are not a machine x

Thank you all, especially for the suggestions but also your reflections.

is he reasonable to be worried about money? We moved house last year - and increased our mortgage by a large amount. It gave us a three bed house and a drive to park my car on after that long commute rather than finding a permit only space late at night. With the tax increases and cost of living increases it’s getting tighter. We are not on the breadline though.

I just tried to bring up the money imbalance with him. He certainly didn’t say ‘of course, I understand, let’s sort it out’. He has a stock Answer which is ‘well you’ll have to put that on a credit card then’ which just makes me feel guilty and we go nowhere.

Can you take a side step in your nursing job and get a post closer to home…..bands 5 to 7 you can usually move sidewards quite easily…..I’m a band 7 and had quite a niche role….. i side stepped into a management role when I wanted more flexibility …l.if you are band 8 upwards then this will be harder but you would be on £50k plus anyway

My ‘money’ goes on, prescriptions (monthly HRT) a haircut every 2 months, grabbing food at work, things like tights or shoes for work. (M&S not high end) and the odd bit of make up / skincare to make me look presentable.