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Original poster

Language exchange nightmare

53 replies

Wimpling · 07/06/2022 09:54

We're friends with a family living in another European country who have DSs the same age as ours. The oldest two are 15 and we'd talked to them about visiting the other family when they got old enough. My friend asked a few months back if her DS could come and stay for 10 days to improve his English. It's in school time, so the plan was for him to go to school with DS1. They speak each other's languages to a good level. Fine, I said, didn't think it was a big deal.

When I told DS1 it turned out that it is a big deal. The boy came to school 4 years ago for one morning, and apparently DS1 was teased for ages by his friends about having a foreign pal. I didn't know anything about this. DS1 refused point blank to go to school with him and stopped speaking to me and DH for a week (until we made clear that this was not ok).

I was a bit stuck, didn't want to go back on what I'd promised my friend. Having the boy in the holidays not an option - partly our friends' dates but also DS1 refused to go anywhere with this boy and his mates so boy would have been kicking his heels while DH and I were working. So I came up with a compromise: the school teaches the boy's language so I arranged with the school that the boy could go to those classes as a language assistant - it would give him something to do and he wouldn't be trailing round DS1's classes with him. We have activities planned for the weekends. But now the visit is getting closer DS1 has kicked off again, refusing to speak to us or engage with the boy.

I want DS1 to be welcoming and friendly, same as for any guest, but he can't see past that morning 4 years ago. What can I do?

OP posts:
JogOnJimmy · 07/06/2022 10:00

Bloody hell what kind of school does your son go to that another pupil can just join the class for a few weeks & then agrees to take them on as a volunteer?
What happens about his ckecks to make sure he is suitable?

LightDrizzle · 07/06/2022 10:11

You apologise to the family and explain the situation acknowledging that you don’t feel it is fair to expose their son to potential social exclusion and shunning. You acknowledge that you are very disappointed in your son on this but he shows no signs of being receptive or welcoming.

I’d offer to cover any costs incurred such as flights and I’d be at pains to impress on them that it is nothing to do with anything their son has done or how he is.

You shouldn’t have let this go so far, you knew months ago that your son didn’t want it. I wouldn’t be facilitating any language exchanges for your son in the future. If the other family were kind enough to still offer him an invitation I’d tell him it wasn’t happening for him and why.

Bottom line is that you can’t risk exposing a child to the experience your son has got lined up for him so you have to get through the discomfort of cancelling.

Mama1980 · 07/06/2022 10:17

Your ds is behaving very poorly - I'd be furious and very disappointed in him.
Who cares what anyone else thinks? Kindness counts at the end of the day it is pretty much all that matters.
However given that he is behaving so badly I think you have no option but to cancel and apologise profusely and cover any and all costs incurred. I would not risk exposing this boy to your sons behaviour - it would be beyond devastating for him to come to see a friend and be given the silent treatment/ignored.
I would then have a serious talk with your son and certainly he could help pay back costs etc.

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hopeishere · 07/06/2022 10:22

Tell DS to wise up. It was years ago and his friends sound like right prats if that is how they get on. Hopefully they've all matured.

Hoppinggreen · 07/06/2022 10:31

You shouldn’t have agreed without speaking to your son but it’s too late to worry about that now.
There is a big difference between 11 and 15 and I doubt your sons mates will care, although to be honest I’m surprised it was such a big deal last time.
Is there something else going on? DH had a foreign distant relative his age to stay when he was that age and the kid was awful to him - but only when there were no adults around so his Mum thought he was being awkward not wanting to socialise with the boy.
If it’s just awkwardness you will have to explain this boy is a guest and while DS doesn’t have to be best mates with him he does need to be kind and make him welcome

ahwobabob · 07/06/2022 10:38

They'd probably treat like a foreign exchange trip I'd imagine. What do you mean "what checks"? Do you think he needs a degree or DBS check? He's a child that will be there for a week for gods sake!

godmum56 · 07/06/2022 10:39

This reply has been deleted

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godmum56 · 07/06/2022 10:40

ahwobabob · 07/06/2022 10:38

They'd probably treat like a foreign exchange trip I'd imagine. What do you mean "what checks"? Do you think he needs a degree or DBS check? He's a child that will be there for a week for gods sake!

he is a child who will be quasi staff if he's going in as a language assistant

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 07/06/2022 10:49

Your son is being very petulant but you shouldn't have agreed without discussing it with him first. I don't think any good is going to come of forcing the issue.

AnnaMagnani · 07/06/2022 10:51

You apologise to your friend and say it turns out the boys don't get on, your DS does not have happy memories of the last trip and has said they aren't friends so it seems it would be a very miserable time for her DS.

HoppingPavlova · 07/06/2022 10:53

I’d really wonder where I failed if this was my DS. I’d be incredibly ashamed of him with that behaviour.

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 07/06/2022 10:56

I’m surprised your ds didn’t say a word of what happened 4 years ago if it has made such an impact.

id want understand more tbh. Incl the risk of bullying for your ds (if that is the case, it says a lot about the school they are going to btw….)

But I’d also be wondering if they hadn’t been falling out when he friend cam e last time (or in the last time they saw each other )

INeedNewShoes · 07/06/2022 10:59

When we were kids we had a 15 year old French family friend come to stay with us (think it was for 3–4 weeks). Although she was closest in age to my brother, she actually went to school with my sister, who was probably 12 at the time. This seemed an easier fit because there was no expectation that she'd slot in socially. I don't remember it being an issue.

Another option would be to ask a different local school so that it's all completely independent from your DS.

I understand your DS' stance, although it's disappointing. Kids have a tough time nowadays and I think lots of them have one main aim in life and that is not to draw attention to themselves at school lest they become the target for the bullies.

It is a MASSIVE ask of a teenager to take a guest to school and be shadowed by them.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 07/06/2022 10:59

Your son is behaving appallingly but I don't think you appreciate quite what a commitment you agreed to on his behalf. I am astonished that you agreed to it without discussing it with DS first.

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 07/06/2022 11:00

Btw I have done something vey similar with the son of a friend of mine.

The dcs are similar ages and knew each other. I found though that spending time together once in a blue moon because parents know each other is a very different experience than actually having the child there for two weeks and them slotting into your normal daily life.
It’s nit easy, esp when there is the expectation that the children are supposed to get on With each other when actually they are still a world apart (culturally amongst other things).

If I was organising something similar again, I’m not sure my dc would be over the moon tbh.

minipie · 07/06/2022 11:05

Tbh I’d have been pretty upset at age 15 if my parents had told me I’d be having a random teenager (especially who doesn’t speak great English) coming to school with me and hanging out with me and my friends for 10 days. Regardless of any prior history.

I don’t really think it was on to say yes to your friend without discussing with your DS first. I also disagree with pp that your DS is behaving badly by not going along with this - I think it’s a really big ask of a 15 year old, teens are very self conscious at that age and don’t have the social confidence for this kind of thing to be easy.

JogOnJimmy · 07/06/2022 11:14

Thank you @godmum56 you beat me to it
I agree @minipie it's not fair that @Wimpling decide to accommodate her friends son when her own son would be the one providing the service so to speak

Original poster
Wimpling · 07/06/2022 11:47

He's coming to stay with the family, not with DS1 specifically. He won't be in classes with DS1, won't be hanging around with DS1s friends and will come home for lunch, so there's not much of a 'service' being required, other than to generally be welcoming in the house! The other DC are fine with it and will be around.

I should have been clearer in my OP. I'd hoped I'd brought my kids up to be polite and friendly to guests so I'm really disappointed that DS1 thinks it's ok to be rude. I was looking for views on how to handle that.

OP posts:
sashh · 07/06/2022 12:05

I think you need to talk to the school again, the head probably wouldn't be happy to know their pupils were so nasty.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 07/06/2022 12:11

Wimpling · 07/06/2022 11:47

He's coming to stay with the family, not with DS1 specifically. He won't be in classes with DS1, won't be hanging around with DS1s friends and will come home for lunch, so there's not much of a 'service' being required, other than to generally be welcoming in the house! The other DC are fine with it and will be around.

I should have been clearer in my OP. I'd hoped I'd brought my kids up to be polite and friendly to guests so I'm really disappointed that DS1 thinks it's ok to be rude. I was looking for views on how to handle that.

Yes, but that wasn’t your plan A and if you haven’t already apologised to DS for the plan you that originally committed him to then I suggest you consider doing this first before establishing your expectations of how he welcomes your guest under the revised circumstances.

JogOnJimmy · 07/06/2022 12:16

Does the poor lad even want to stay with you or is it just something you both thought would be good for him?

INeedNewShoes · 07/06/2022 12:18

I'm really disappointed that DS1 thinks it's ok to be rude.

At first glance it sounds as though he's being rude but it's not rudeness is it? And it's not about just being welcoming in the house; you've arranged for him to attend your DS' school! You said it in your OP you originally arranged for him to 'go to school with DS' which is what sparked your DS' concern about the situation. You've made things mildly better by arranging the assistant set up but it hasn't removed from the situation that for your DS it will feel like a similar situation to the one that caused problems last time.

I don't understand why you're focusing on being embarrassed by his behaviour rather than the effect that the bullying had on him last time.

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 07/06/2022 12:18

I would be shocked ify children were stating that they felt uncomfortable about being seen to be having "a foreign pal".
This is xenophobic and racist and if my kids were having friends with those attitudes I would and have expected them to call it out as such.
We are a binational family so those issues have arisen.
My children have also been on the other side when they were visiting friends and were the ones who were not speaking the language and needed to rely on our friends children and their friends to make them feel welcome.

QuintessentialHedgehog · 07/06/2022 12:25

I would try to look for another way to host. Could he come for 10 days in the holidays and book into a language camp, holiday sports club or similar? That way he can come and improve his English but have his own programme during the day while you are working, and you can then host him in the evenings as your family guest without him specifically being DS's guest. I would be having very stern words with DS about good manners at that point though. He doesn't have to be best buddies with this lad but he should be well capable of being welcoming to a family guest who isn't being imposed on him personally.

minipie · 07/06/2022 12:42

Yes, I agree he should be more amenable to the revised plan, it’s not a big ask on paper.

But perhaps he suspects that he will still be expected to do quite a lot of hanging out with the visitor in reality, seeing as they are the same age and that was the original plan?

Maybe you need to clarify what “being welcoming” entails and reassure DS that you will be doing the bulk of entertaining and chatting to the guest, not him.
.