Language exchange nightmare

[Wimpling]

We're friends with a family living in another European country who have DSs the same age as ours. The oldest two are 15 and we'd talked to them about visiting the other family when they got old enough. My friend asked a few months back if her DS could come and stay for 10 days to improve his English. It's in school time, so the plan was for him to go to school with DS1. They speak each other's languages to a good level. Fine, I said, didn't think it was a big deal.

When I told DS1 it turned out that it is a big deal. The boy came to school 4 years ago for one morning, and apparently DS1 was teased for ages by his friends about having a foreign pal. I didn't know anything about this. DS1 refused point blank to go to school with him and stopped speaking to me and DH for a week (until we made clear that this was not ok).

I was a bit stuck, didn't want to go back on what I'd promised my friend. Having the boy in the holidays not an option - partly our friends' dates but also DS1 refused to go anywhere with this boy and his mates so boy would have been kicking his heels while DH and I were working. So I came up with a compromise: the school teaches the boy's language so I arranged with the school that the boy could go to those classes as a language assistant - it would give him something to do and he wouldn't be trailing round DS1's classes with him. We have activities planned for the weekends. But now the visit is getting closer DS1 has kicked off again, refusing to speak to us or engage with the boy.

I want DS1 to be welcoming and friendly, same as for any guest, but he can't see past that morning 4 years ago. What can I do?

A message from the future op!
My parents wonderfully hosted and sent us off, with some hitches and now, many decades on the two extended families are still very beneficially in each other’s lives. The annoying lad who teased my little brothers put my 22 yo son up in a Paris flat last summer for free enabling him to attend a prestigious course. The kids of both families over 2 generations are in touch and also have an extra language. It’s worth persisting.

I'd ground my son and cut off his internet access if he behaved like this. Did you know he was so racist?

If this is very out of character for your son then I would be wondering if the teasing four years ago was in fact rather more like a fairly serious bullying issue which he has never told you about.

Op, your son is not rude in this case. He is most likely to be stressed out and anxious about this upcoming visit and you are failing to spot it. You also failed to spot the trauma He had been through 4 years ago. You failed to address and sort out the trauma as well as you failed to address the school about other children's bullying behaviour.

What steps have you both taken to correct his stonewalling and sulking? Is he still mates with the racist troglodytes? Let your friend know her son will likely have a crap time because of your son, she can decide whether or not her son should go.

That is some leap there

Where on earth do you live that your son was teased for having "a foreign pal"? 1962?

same situation here but…. dc1 has also been bullied just because he was binational so I can see why a teen could be uncomfortable about having a foreign friend coming over like this, one that he can talk to in said foreign language…..

Its easy to say that the OP’s dc shouldn’t stand for it etc… but in practice it’s much harder ime.

if you cancel the trip, you’re validating the xenophobic attitudes of your son and his friends.

the school needs to know about and come up with a strategy for tackling these attitudes - it falls under their responsibility to teach British values that they actively confront xenophobia and racism.

You are either the sort of teen that does language exchanges or you are not. Your son is obviously not. He will see it as social death. I would back out.

What happened 4 years ago, age 11 in primary school has nothing to do with age 15 in secondary school. In our household, 15 yr olds did not rule the roost.

Alternatively, you could message your friend the humiliating truth ; "Our 15 yr old DS is such an entitled spoiled brat we have to decline."

I very much doubt the son is xenophobic tbh.

struggling to deal with xenophobic friends doesn’t make you xenophobic either.

I'm really disappointed that DS1 thinks it's ok to be rude. I was looking for views on how to handle that.

Hobnail boots applied to all privileges.
Do it now, otherwise the next 5 years are going to be hell.

Agree with @2bazookas . Four years is a long time, presumably his friendship group has changed and is hopefully more inclusive. I doubt he is the only one taking a language who might benefit from a native speaking friend. Get the language teacher onside to show how it is something to be proud of not embarrassed by

As a compromise is it possible to limit time in school by overlapping a school holiday.

You should have spoken and discussed this with ds first, but you know this.

At that age it can be embarrassing to have someone in your school, that your mother has arranged to be there, and given the history between them I can understand why there is misgivings.

I would arrange somewhere else for the visiting student to practice his English and take your son's school out of the equation altogether, and then sit the children down and tell them your expectations about being warm and welcoming, and this child is far from home and they are to make every effort with him. I would not stand for your son's tantrums once the solution has been found, and would tell him so. He is expected to get along with the guest and will be spending minimal time with him anyway.

If this is out of character for your dc I’d be trying to get to the bottom of what’s really bothering him

I’d be massively disappointed too if this were my lad

the only thing I would say to him is that 4 years makes a huge difference both in the boy himself AND your son’s dick head friends

my own son’s best mate was only saying on Sunday how he’s so ‘over’ school, that the year 7s are so young and stupid

if your ds isn’t going to have to have this boy tag along everywhere with him then it won’t affect him and he just sucks it the fuck up and stops being so rude to someone who hasn’t done anything wrong at all.

Hmm , interesting that you haven’t replied to my two direct questions @Wimpling
just swept round one comment I made
Did they share a room before/or expected to now? What happens at the weekends if your son wants to meet his friends either at home or going out?
I think that there is more to this than your son is saying
You don’t get to be the martyr so stop changing/trying to redirect what you originally said

Your son sounds horrendous

What a bizarre situation.

Is the boy close in age to any of your other children? Could he partner with one of them instead?

I feel like you're between a rock and a hard place here because if you cancel now it is likely to cause offence to the other family, unless you can come up with a really rock solid excuse, but if the boy comes and your son is awful to him, he'll have a horrible time.

I don't think it's reasonable to just land a 15-year-old with another kid to look after and take to school every day without asking if he's OK with it. I would have been livid if my parents had done this to me.

Why do you have so little concern for his autonomy and what he wants and is comfortable with? It's exhausting having a foreign exchange kid around all the time, at school and at home. I absolutely hated it.

There's no chance something else has happened with the boy is there? A now adult member of my family was abused by his parents friends son when he came to visit on an informal exchange and he didn't tell his parents because he was feeling dirty, ashamed and embarrassed and also didn't think they'd believe him, I am not saying anything like this behind your sons behaviour but I'm just telling you it was with someone in my extended family.

He told his parents about the abuse as it got and they didn't believe him and said he's just making it up to embarrass them and because he doesn't want to share his bedroom and and they ended up sending him away to a super strict aunt as punishment while the visit happened and their relationship never recovered.

I'm only posting this because there's a few people telling you to persist or punish him but it sounds out of character for him from what you say, it might be nothing more than his friends have teased him for having an exchange student or that could be what he said to cover up something more serious. My family member wasn't selfish, racist or rude, he was just scared and anxious and for good reason.

Thanks to those who've offered constructive comments; less so to those who just want to tell me that I've failed or my son is horrendous! I'm looking for ways to improve the situation, not write people off.

To those who're worried about previous abuse, in so far as you can ever tell I don't think that's likely. He'll be staying in the spare room.

I had another chat when DS1 was home for lunch, and he says he's not been bullied and that it's just part of everyone getting picked on if they do something different. There's no racism towards the kids at school who come from different countries (no, we don't live in 1962!), but an outsider coming in for a few days would be a reason to pick on the host, apparently. That's why he won't be in class with DS1. I agree with all the comments about that being an excuse for xenophobia, though - DS1 should be able to push back and tell his 'friends' to get a life if they come out with that sort of comment.

We've got family activities planned for the weekend, and DH and I will take the boy out too to give DS1 time to see his friends. I do wonder though if the idea of it will be worse than the reality and that maybe they'll all get on ok... I'll get flamed for saying this, but I also don't think DC are always the most accurate at predicting how their peers will react - DS1 was adamant that no one would wear masks in class so there was no point in buying any, but from day 1 everyone did. So I'm not sure that it will be the problem that he thinks it will be. They've all grown up a lot in 4 years, moved school, changed friendship groups etc. Also, I think it's good to be nudged (with support!) slightly beyond your comfort zone sometimes, and that it brings rewards. We've all lived abroad before, the DC have been to school abroad, and they survived without any drama at all! Certainly nothing like this.