If your DP is very successful in their career and you don't work or are a SAHP....

[FudgeyFlapjacks]

......do you feel privileged and secure or dependent and insecure?

Both mid/late 30's. I haven't worked for over a decade due to poor MH and a very demanding DD (mild SN) My confidence and self belief is pretty low and I don't really feel like I have a talent or many/any skills anymore. I've "just" been mum for the past decade and basically just trying to keep my head above water, regarding my sometimes very poor MH. On the flip side, DP is super successful and is climbing the ladder at real speed and has no plans to slow down. I am massively proud of them, especially given their background, but on the other hand, it highlights how stuck I am. How little I have achieved.

Financially, I don't need to work and DP insists they're not ashamed of me that I don't, but the thing is, I am. I'm embarrassed and I don't like not adding to the pot. As I've already said though, my confidence is on the floor and I just don't know what I have to offer anymore. I know at this stage, it's not all about money, but I even recently chickened out of volunteering! It would have been a big step for me, but I just lost my nerve. I can't even pin point why.

Some friends tell me I'm really lucky and privileged, which I know I am compared to many, but I can't help but almost feel a bit envious of DPs success. Again, I'm hugely proud of them, but I think I'm starting to become really bitter that my MH has held me back for so long.

Can anyone relate to this at all?

I'm not sure how helpful it is for you to ask MNers this because how you feel is how you feel.

You say DP and I think you might feel more secure if you were married. Is his salary paid into a joint bank account? Do you have to ask his permission to spend? I'm not talking about discussing big, expensive purchases. but more ordinary things like clothes. Do you have any savings?

I was. He worked in a good career, and I didn't. Then we split up, and he is off still having a successful career, and I am on benefits.

I’ve recently given up work (for now), and I feel privileged, but I can understand it is not black and white. It sounds like you have really had a tough time with your mental health struggles.

I’m married, and my name is on everything- so I don’t feel like I’m in a precarious position. I also have a profession that I can dip back into any time and am using my time not-in-employment to finish off some post grad studies.

Our baby hasn’t been born yet but I’m hoping to continue as a SAHM, and really hope I do find it fulfilling. I have seen colleagues with really young children struggle coming back to work because they absolutely had to, or had husbands who wanted them to ‘pull their weight’ for better holidays, a bigger mortgage. I do feel really lucky to have a choice about this, and a DH who values work which is unpaid.

I think if you want to build your confidence you really do need to seek some help- be that medication or CBT, and really start enjoying the benefits of being at home? It’s a fortunate position to be in, but could also be extremely lonely if you don’t volunteer/exercise/study/socialise, whatever your poison is.

BTW you are still young and have another 30 years to build a career. Many women give up or slow down their career to have children after spending their twenties and early 30s working their asses off. Of course some always continue working but what I'm trying to say is, the grass is not always greener. You have time to build a career IF that is what you want. You may find that you'd like a job instead of a career, as remember, careers come at a great expense, too. Lots of unpaid hours, prioritizing work over family, missing family events, stress, possibly travel and long commutes. Nobody has it all and taking time to look after family is an equally valid choice and and time well spent.

maybe he wouldn't be so successful without your support? that night be what you're bringing to the table, and it might be vital.

My DH isnt a massive earner but I have been a SAHM for about 5 years now due to having 3 children (had a part time job for a few months between one) and I definetly feel a lack of self worth regarding not contributing to society.

I feel embarrassed that I don't have a job/haven't worked in a while, even if it is a low paid job I feel like everyone is kinda doing their bit and I'm just sat at home.

Although I do think I have a bit of PPD which is clouding my judgement and lots of people tell me a mother is worth while ect

Is he DP or DH? DH offers you more security but not much. At the end of the day even if you are married, once you split the ongoing money is his, even if you had the house you still need to pay the bills month to month.

I was in your position (as have many other women on MN). I felt safe and secure and “knew” my DH wouldn’t do that to me. 12 years later he is successful, wealthy and his career is thriving. I was on benefits and have had to crawl over broken glass to feed myself some months.

if you want my advice; get a job

100% honest... its effect my self esteem. DHs job means I need to do all child related stuff Mon-Fri and some weekends... indeed he can be away for weeks at a time.

Yes when I was a sahp my confidence took a battering. Now, a few years later, I’m back at work full time and even though dh is still the much higher earner it’s been really good for my self esteem. Honestly, get a job, it’s a great feeling getting that pay cheque after being out of work for a while.

Posted to soon... I want to work, but can't find anything that fits into 8-5, which is the wrap childcare time.

Retrain if possible, get some CBT and get a job ( any job). And start by volunteering even if you are afraid. You are vulnerable if your DP leaves. Even a low paid job will do to start.

I have been in your situation ( not by choice because I was in another country with no work visa) and hated it. It destroyed my self-confidence and made our marriage unbalanced. It was also mind-numbingly boring.

I know what you mean OP. I'm not a SAHP but I do have a DP who is a much higher earner and I could have been a SAHP i.e. we could easily have managed on his salary. Instead I've worked freelance or taken part-time jobs I'm over-qualified / underpaid for for years to fit around family needs / DP's long hours .

On one hand it's been great and I do feel very privileged to have had more time with DC than I would have had without his job. But... we met years ago as students at a top uni and both had plenty of promise back then. These days my career is a bit of a washout. I do interesting work but I earn less than I did 15 years ago before we had DC and I have found it very disempowering at times. I do look at myself at times and think what the hell have I achieved. But, on the whole, I do think it's the culture we live in that makes us feel that way i.e. that our worth should be measured in what we've achieved vs whether we are decent people who contribute in positive ways to the world around us.

Saying all that, it sounds as if getting a job and starting to rebuild your career might be a really good thing for your confidence. And the point other posters have made re future security is an important one.

Honestly I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t work as we probably wouldn’t share the same ethos or have the same life goals

but if your dp and you are happy that is all that matters

Hi op,
I know of many carer men who never realised what they missed out on with their DC untill they have grandchildren.
They simply don't know if they are simply not there and most people don't regret not being on the office more at end of life.
Missed opportunities and potential yes ...

Ie please don't devalue your role because you are not receiving a wage for it.

As pp said if your not married I can't see how you do benefit from his role?
I would address that first then try and slowly get back into work.
Having a life of your own will probably support your mental health!

• I have been a sahm and we had barely any money DH not on a high wage at all..he never put any pressure on me to work at all. Similarly when I did return to work and DH was made redundant I said I was happy to support us for as long as it took for him to get a job he wanted....on my very low wage! For us ..the family is the thing not who and how much money anyone brings in. That's the means to the end.

Mixture here really... I worked hard for years whilst he was struggling, he had a huge windfall a couple years ago and it meant I didn't have to work and could stay home with the kids (5 and 9 months)

Yes I feel privileged, yes I love it, yes I feel a bit insecure but not massively. It is what it is for now, I'm just enjoying the stress free time with the babies, I'll figure something else out when we cross that bridge.

It's a rare situation, try to enjoy it I guess?*

*I generally give terrible advice tbh

I feel secure but I struggle with feeling my input (to the world in general, not so much to the household as DH is very appreciative of my input in terms of parenting) is insignificant or lacking and feel stuck/frustrated as lack of experience or qualifications makes it difficult to even know where to start.

I have been unemployed for pretty much my whole relationship with dh due to disability. It makes me feel useless and definetly had contributed to depression, as just feel I lacked purpose, just feeling like I'm not putting anything in the pot.

what has helped a bit is trying to find a bit of purpose for myself like courses and hobbies that have long term goals.
Having the OK I need to do a little bit for my course or whatever has given me some of the independence/stimulation I've been craving over the years.

If he's only DP and you're not legally married you have zero protection OP. Please get a job or at the very least get married ASAP!

I have seen so many friends of my mother screwed over when their partners decided to leave and they were left with virtually nothing and in the worst case the ex left to the US and left the wife with a load of debt she didn't even know about. I swore to myself as a teen I would always be able to support myself and I have. I'd never give up a job completely; I did briefly work part time as a freelancer but it really made me uncomfortable so I'm back now working full time in a career.

I think it just puts you in a really precarious position and that's what you're probably aware of. You'd be absolutely fucked if he left you and let's be honest, everyone thinks it won't happen to them until it does.

I'd definitely start looking into options and things I could do to get back into work. There are many options now of things you can do from home that don't require the nerve wracking thing of sitting in an office environment and having to make small talk with colleagues. Anything at all to put on your CV and build up your confidence is worth it.

I took 6 years off to be with our DC when they were little. DH loved being the breadwinner and coming home to a home cooked dinner. He didn't want me to go back to work but respected my decision.
I could feel my career sliding away and my confidence diminishing. I started doing voluntary work, then rejoined my old career on a return to practice scheme.
I honestly don't regret a day of being home but I'm so glad I returned when I did. These days my DH is semi retired we earn the same but I've just applied for a promotion that puts me on more.

I would never be a SAHP, in general. However, I would absolutely NEVER be a SAHP if I wasn't married.

I don't need to work, as my DH has a good job. I work for my social life, my own money, my own mental health and my own ability to do what I want with my own money. We also save a lot of money and holiday a lot, which wouldn't be as possible without my added salary (which is 3/5 of his).

I will agree with others and say it is precarious because you are not married.

I haven't worked for coming up 18 years. I always worked from being 13, had Ds1 at 29 and worked part time, then a relocation for Dh's much higher paid job meant I left that job behind. We decided to try a 6 month sahm situation as I wasn't sure I could deal with not earning money. Health wise I massively improved so it was a no brainer to not go back to work and just have DC2 as planned.

At first I found it very hard to spend money on myself. Dh dragged me out shopping for clothes, was incredibly supportive and understood where I was coming from. He told me lots of his work colleagues wished they had stay at home wives as Dh came home and hardly had to do any housework but was full on with the children and always has been. Still is and they are 19 and 16. He still does all the meals on a weekend.

I had years where people kept telling me about job opportunities like dinner lady roles. I kept asking them why do you think I am looking for work? I have my own car, went on holidays etc so we didn't struggle for money. I volunteer but everyone knows I am incredibly ill sometimes and cannot function so they cannot rely on me all the time. Dh is amazing, loving and caring so this makes all the difference.

Maybe try again on volunteering work as a start? That would help build your confidence. Not everyone needs to have a job to contribute to the society or the world. Even helping people around you with simple things makes you a good person already! Stay positive and find joy in daily albeit small things!

I think the sad take-home here is that generally as a society bringing up children is not seen as a valued contribution to the home/family but also society as a whole.
Such a shame that it's not seen as a huge contribution to society. Also a huge shame that financially most households now can't afford not to have two working parents due to cost of living...and yet childcare workers are paid so little.
None of it makes sense!