If your DP is very successful in their career and you don't work or are a SAHP....

[FudgeyFlapjacks]

......do you feel privileged and secure or dependent and insecure?

Both mid/late 30's. I haven't worked for over a decade due to poor MH and a very demanding DD (mild SN) My confidence and self belief is pretty low and I don't really feel like I have a talent or many/any skills anymore. I've "just" been mum for the past decade and basically just trying to keep my head above water, regarding my sometimes very poor MH. On the flip side, DP is super successful and is climbing the ladder at real speed and has no plans to slow down. I am massively proud of them, especially given their background, but on the other hand, it highlights how stuck I am. How little I have achieved.

Financially, I don't need to work and DP insists they're not ashamed of me that I don't, but the thing is, I am. I'm embarrassed and I don't like not adding to the pot. As I've already said though, my confidence is on the floor and I just don't know what I have to offer anymore. I know at this stage, it's not all about money, but I even recently chickened out of volunteering! It would have been a big step for me, but I just lost my nerve. I can't even pin point why.

Some friends tell me I'm really lucky and privileged, which I know I am compared to many, but I can't help but almost feel a bit envious of DPs success. Again, I'm hugely proud of them, but I think I'm starting to become really bitter that my MH has held me back for so long.

Can anyone relate to this at all?

When I met DH we were earning exactly the same amount (we met at work).

Then I was a SAHM for 9 years when our DC were little, and meanwhile his career really took off.

I didn't feel insecure when I was a SAHM, because DH really valued my role and not having to put the DC in childcare. But after I returned to work (when my youngest started school), I did feel happy and fulfilled in a way that I hadn't for years. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed it!

I still earn a lot less than DH, as I made a career change into the public sector and also I work part time (4 days a week). That doesn't bother me (or him) one jot. But I am happy to be back working and earning.

The op has been very precise in hiding gender here. So people really need to not assume her partner is male. It’s 2022. Not the 1950s.

I’ve just returned to work for this reason op. I’ve had a ‘career break’ of about 2 years- due to a sickly pregnancy and an ill child. During this time my Dh’s career has developed exponentially. We are both in no doubt that he couldn’t have done this without everything I’ve done at home - my work at home has meant he could focus on his career.
However, being the person at home doing all the unseen work has left a dent in my self esteem. Which is why I’m returning to work.

I absolutely agree.
We don’t value it when the mum stays at home to care for children, cook, clean etc. but so many are happy to put children to grandparents, nannys, childminders, nurserys and hire other household help.
plenty of people had an idea of how difficult it really can be during the first lockdown so I do think stay at home mums should be appreciated!

Fair point, but the advice surely remains the same? If DP is a woman, she can still bugger off and leave OP penniless and struggling. It's not a good idea to financially rely on a partner and be out of the workforce for years on end. There's very little protection.

I think there are many factors which might affect the answer to your question op.

I feel okay about it because I know I can access assets if I need to which would allow me to get by and put a roof over my head should anything happen.

For many years I worked (pre-children mainly) and looking back I realise how unappreciated I was (obviously appreciated by being paid) but not in a nicer sense. I've also had jobs below my capability/education (inability to handle stress/mental health issues) and with this I have experienced low pay, no autonomy and no creativity. If I had a job which equalled the reverse of this, I might feel differently.

I feel fortunate to be able to make this choice and be at home for primary aged dc. I keep things simple - I'm not into beauty products/expensive clothes/haircuts etc.

I'm never bored and definitely feel a sense of freedom (from work mentioned above). I take my time over all the life admin/chores. Appointments are not usually a problem. I am engrossed in a hobby (I hope to turn into a low-key business), I have another hobby I could easily be absorbed in. I also plan to do some voluntary work (that I actually want to do unlike work plus it is low commitment) and I love spending time outdoors. I rarely feel lonely because I am usually engrossed in something and I know I can steer my time toward something that will bring me into contact with people if I want to (such as voluntary work). Thinking about this, I never gained much company from work because I was always busy/couldn't choose who I worked with. Now I have more control over this aspect.

Another big factor for me is the fact I am deep in peri-menopause and unable to take HRT. I think I would struggle with work now if I'm totally honest. This way of life suits me well.

Some working mums on MN like to pity SAHM because they imagine them as frustrated and trapped Cinderellas in a castle that could crumble under them at any moment. I guess it's easier to think of them that way if you want to feel better about yourself.

True for some, but not all. If I left my DH I wouldn't be that bad off in my own right. And given his income he would have to give me and the kids quite a lot of his wages for at least the next 14 years.

But our working/SAHM arrangement is through mutual agreement and it works for us. Yes, it actually works. I couldn't work full time now due to multiple chronic health conditions, and caring responsibilities that take over most of my life. If I were to outsource that care and go back to work I would be 100% paying more than I earned, due to the specialised nature of the care required. At least this way I get my piddly carers allowance payment and it's all mine. It goes in the kitty.

In your situation I would feel very much fucked.
And either get married or a well paying job asap, whichever is the easier option.

There is this.
Would you both as a family be willing for you to retrain or do a degree of some sort. It might help you build your confidence and also increase your earning potential and prospects in the future, should you wish to do so.

DH and I have both had periods where one was more highflying than the other. The one in a low patch then took on the bulk of the home stuff. It has waxed and waned. Currently I am earning more, but am on a downward trend and DH is stable so i am slowing things down (have a DS with SEN who needs alot of support).