If your DP is very successful in their career and you don't work or are a SAHP....

[FudgeyFlapjacks]

......do you feel privileged and secure or dependent and insecure?

Both mid/late 30's. I haven't worked for over a decade due to poor MH and a very demanding DD (mild SN) My confidence and self belief is pretty low and I don't really feel like I have a talent or many/any skills anymore. I've "just" been mum for the past decade and basically just trying to keep my head above water, regarding my sometimes very poor MH. On the flip side, DP is super successful and is climbing the ladder at real speed and has no plans to slow down. I am massively proud of them, especially given their background, but on the other hand, it highlights how stuck I am. How little I have achieved.

Financially, I don't need to work and DP insists they're not ashamed of me that I don't, but the thing is, I am. I'm embarrassed and I don't like not adding to the pot. As I've already said though, my confidence is on the floor and I just don't know what I have to offer anymore. I know at this stage, it's not all about money, but I even recently chickened out of volunteering! It would have been a big step for me, but I just lost my nerve. I can't even pin point why.

Some friends tell me I'm really lucky and privileged, which I know I am compared to many, but I can't help but almost feel a bit envious of DPs success. Again, I'm hugely proud of them, but I think I'm starting to become really bitter that my MH has held me back for so long.

Can anyone relate to this at all?

I am a SAHM and I wish I could work. When my last child was a baby I retrained but never ended up entering the workplace as it became apparent that ds had quite profound SN. It is easier for everyone (especially ds) if I don't work, there are fortunately no financial implications as a result, but goodness I miss working.

I am secure in that I own half of the business even though I don't work in it. On the outside my life looks very lucky in some ways but I am feeling more and more left out of ordinary life. I am always asking my high flying friends to discuss their careers with my daughter so that she can focus on their example.

It has been so long since I worked that I can't even tell people what I used to be anymore, it feels like it doesn't count.

This is me 100% iv been a sahm for 15 years tho I’m classed as a career for my asd DC and I get CA. My MH has hit rock bottom recently because of not working and feeling useless I’m constantly looking at jobs (making my MH 10x worse) and nothing suits me I have no skills don’t drive and debilitating anxiety . I’m lucky my DP will happily support me I was literally having this convo with him 10min ago and told me I can take my time but still I feel crappy.

I feel immensely privileged and secure, having grown up with very little. It's bizarre to me that I own a home and a car and am able to buy whatever I want when I go to the shops. I know how lucky I am to live like this, and even though it's modest by many peoples' standards (3 bed semi, mid range family car, kids at state school).

My DH has a pretty lucrative career, which was a long time in the making. I supported him while he built it. I was the one with the regular wage keeping everything ticking over.

Our firstborn is disabled. We didn't see that coming. Really struggled for the first three years of his life mentally and financially as I obviously couldn't go back to work, but I also couldn't yet access the social and economic support that was available to him and me. Once his DLA kicked in, and my Carers Allowance it gave us a lot more breathing space. Then DH's career really kicked off, so we were able to buy our house. Benefit money is our security blanket and we really need one, as DS can be very expensive! Seven iPads got smashed last year.

I have to do school runs and there's no childcare locally for disabled kids, so won't be working any time soon. But I volunteer at the local community fridge twice a week, and do online volunteer work for the food bank. I also advocate for friends who also have kids with SEN, helping them navigate the EHCP process and accessing services etc. My qualifications and previous career assist me here.

DH's money is our money. We are a team.

It's not that what you've written isn't true but it's a bit of a red herring to talk about contributions and how society views it.

I think the main issue is how very vulnerable stay at home mums are. In the past, it was just a given that women had fewer rights than men and had to assume the burden of childcare and housework, and tolerate any abusive behaviour that arose because of simply having no other choice. Why would you choose to put yourself in that position? There's better support now for women in this situation but it's still not great.

I think it is wise to make sure you can earn a living on your own if necessary and not to assume you're all safe and secure because your partner is earning.

I feel similar op

I do work but I currently earn a fraction of what dh does, and I have also spent time not working after having dcs etc

I have no real answers tbh other than it kind of sucks feeling like this

But it's important to remember that as sahms / pt workers we've probably done the lions share of childcare and house / life admin etc to enable our DHs to climb the ladder x 💐

Ive previously been you. My then dp wasn't fussed but i was. But also mh meant work was impossible.
He wasn't a top earner but did ok enough to have 2 dcs.
I have full control and have done from tje day he moved in as my dp, now married of the accounts and its seen as ours. He wouldn't bat an eyelid if i used all the disposable income on random crap. I wouldnt as im very careful with finances.

I'm a SAHM who has been studying part time for a new career (unsupported by "D"H - hence part-time study). DH seems to have expected me to be his service-human after getting married so he can enjoy his career.

I am in the process of getting divorced.

It's awful. And when I see/hear some other SAHMs being quite smug that their relationship is solid, I get chills. You truly never know what's going to happen (or is behind your back). These are people who book insurance with their summer holidays - as a back up, just in case. Yet with their lives, they have none. Everything rests on their DH's job. They have no work experience within the past 10 years, no volunteering experience and without fail they seem to think that they can get a job in whatever their previous field was at the drop of a hat - at the same level they were 10 years ago, if not higher!

I wish them absolutely no ill. I want their family units to stay stable and their kids not to experience what mine are going to. But I wish they weren't so blind to the vulnerability of their situations either. Because we are all living outside the UK which ramps up the vulnerability rather a lot and most of them don't speak the local language!

Yes for 7 yrs. Feel very insecure, it could all go arse up at any moment and I’d be stuffed. No pension, limited savings. I just got a part time job but hours are not there yet and it’s to help our D.C. through college and start a pension basically. Need full time but have too many responsibilities with the D.C. while he’s off working progressing his career etc.

I’m aware that it’s a privilege to be able to be a sahm, but I feel like a dependent and insecure. It’s horrible knowing that I’m financially dependent upon DH and if he decides to leave me I can’t provide my DTs with the lifestyle we currently have. I can’t provide anything remotely close to it.

I'm now a carer for a parent, so effectively trapped for now. Not much I can do about things as they stand currently, just grin and bear it and hope I can turn it around in the future!

no kids but I spent a lot of my married life not working. Dh's job took him out of the country for most of every year and I used to go with him paid for bt his employer. It was at a time when tax allowance could be passed to a working parner and so what with that and the savings on running a house and the costs of my going to work, it was financially better for us if I didn't work as well as much nicer not to be parted. I did get some snotty comments from people who knew us but were not our friends but I figured then (and still think now) that it was nobody's business but ours. I did feel priveleged but in no way ashamed or a failure. And never never say "just a Mum" its a hard and important role.

It’s very interesting to read these responses. I’ve always been a career driven working mum and the grass can seem greener. All the SAHMs I know (with wealthy husbands) appear to be living a wonderful life with no hint of insecurity or low self esteem. It’s helpful to read other perspectives.

So my husband is very successful but I've kept a hand in my career despite a lot of pressure (not DH) to give it up.

It's hard work as he is full on working, I had very little support from him when the kids were younger but I'm so glad I didn't give up my career. It has empowered me in a way I can't explain. It balances power as we sometimes discuss family members who are trapped in unhappy marriages because the SAHM can't or won't leave - one family member is suffering emotional abuse from her husband, and one family member has had an affair and his wife is miserable. I've made it abundantly clear to my DH that in both situations, I would leave. I have the means and RL support to do so. The one who is having an affair is particularly nasty. He's put alot of their assets into trust for the children, moved his mum close to him in case of a custody battle and to keep and eye on his wife. She's finally got a job but it's very little money (she earns less than her cleaner) but hopefully it will do her self esteem and self worth alot of good.

Keep working if you can. It's a privilege.

My husband signed over 25% of his company to me when we had our first child.
It meant I could not enjoy my maternity and not worry about rushing back to work.

Thanks for all the replies. They've been interesting to read and have given me food for thought.

Don't know why I didn't clarify, but we are married. I just always say partner 🤷‍♀️

I stayed at home with the kids for 5 years after our second child was born. We made the decision to that I wouldn't return to work due to the expense of childcare and for the benefit of the kids (our PFB is a rather sensitive one). TBH I hated it. My partner has a successful tech company so we could afford it, but I hated not feeling like the money I had was mine, like I wasn't adding any worth to society and I worried that I wouldn't be employable if anything happened to DP. But that's just me.

I started my own business for a few years and I now work in local government, I definitely prefer earning my own way.

I work just a half day a week, doing something I love, which is badly paid but I enjoy it. I’m happy, secure and feel incredibly lucky to have the lifestyle that I do. I do loads of volunteering, can cheerfully spend an infinite amount of time gardening, and find that child admin (and now Ukrainian guest admin) eats up loads of time and headspace so I’m never remotely bored. In fact I’m always wishing I had more time in the garden.

I’m financially secure because I’m a 50% shareholder and director of dh’s company, even though I don’t actually work for him. He pays into a pension for me. He is very appreciative that I do all the child admin and household organisation and mental load that all that involves, because when I go away with friends/family for a few days (we both like to do this) and he is left juggling kids/pets/tradespeople etc he finds it almost overwhelming! He values my contribution to our family unit and we consider ourselves equals.

i definitley dont envy SAHM, the idea of relying on a man for my future doesnt bare thinking about. Feminism has been great but dont be expecting money on divorce, men fight for 50/50 so their is no maintenance. I grew up with divorced parents and have been fiercely independent since. I have my own pension, still work fulltime - would i trust a man (love of my life at the time) no i wouldnt as the divorce rate is high an woman need to be sensible with decision making around money---funny enough there is another thread where the woman is pregnant and contributions lowered over maternity leave but she is expected to pay half the costs but not have her hair done...fuck that shit

When I first had DC, I was in that situation and I really didn't like it so I completely relate to how you feel.
I was able to set up a consultancy from home in the field I worked in before DC.
I also joined a keep fit class; started learning new hobbies (eg golf) and did short online courses. They all helped to rebuild my confidence and give me a focus outside the home and family.
Think about what you're passionately interested in, and then see if you can find a local class or an online one if it feels daunting to meet people in RL. Good luck.

I’ve just taken the decision to stop working for health issues too.

I feel insecure tbh and dependent on him, which I hate.
My dcs are much older so no parenting needed (or not like when they were little!) too.
But the reality is. If you can’t work, then you can’t. if your dc needs you, then they need you. I think it’s a very different situation than being a SAHM for your dcs for example (or childcare is too expensive etc…)

So there is a decision to take. Is staying at home better for your health? Or is the boost from having your own life, your own money makes it a more comfortable position? I personally found these questions hard to answer and it looks like hey are hard for you too.
I wish I had an answer but I’m still working through it myself.

I was in this position and your confidence does go a bit, despite doing a really important job (basically full time housekeeper and nanny and night nanny and often EA to some extent). You and your partner are a team though, that's how I see it.
My advice would be to get something of your own going on; take a class, spend time on a hobby, go back to the volunteering that you chickened out of, or even just make sure you have protected socialising time with a good mate each week.
I ended up using the opportunity to retrain and have started in a different (but related) career from what I was doing before, but before that I did have a couple of years while the kids were at primary just basically chilling out, which was really fun. I felt entitled to it to some extent, as my career had necessarily been thrown under the bus while chasing my husband's (and he did very well). Plus he was very supportive about it.
The best of luck x

When I met my dh I had a successful business and he was starting out so i earned more. 10 years later we have a son with Sen . I was earning less that dh when he was born so I gave up work to be a sahm. I now work very part time. We are a team, I look after ds, do his appointments/meetings. I also support my mum, am responsible for a lively lab and I deal with a large portion of the housework and house admin. Dh works full time and does his share when he's home. We don't do hierarchy or who has the shitest life.

I felt privileged and secure. I know I was lucky. I do work part time a bit now and I appreciate my days off more.

I knew I'd feel trapped, so I continued working.

Despite DH being the most generous person! I'd have felt trapped by my roll as a SAHP, rather than being reliant on DH, though I've always valued my independence.

@hotchocandtwosmokybacon

It feels so sad to me that we are at a stage where we have moved so far away from a classic housewife situation to people having to say things like this ..helping people around you counts.

I totally agree, btw I'm not picking on you.
Looking after our own children is seemingly starting to look like a bad thing to do, we are not contribute to society unless we are putting them in someone else's hand's and working to contribute wider society!

I always think a parent should always try and be the main care giver In a young child's life and that it doesn't go American here where child care is a given .

We must value the role of mother who wants to raise their own children! It's not doing nothing!