Children at a funeral

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DFIL died suddenly this week (though he had dementia for some time). DC are 3, 5 and 7. It's a couple of hours drive. They were close and we saw him and MIL at least once a month, outside of the pandemic.

My initial instinct is that they shouldn't go to the funeral:

• I am not sure they'll get much from it, but that's my assumption and some quick research I've done suggests it can be a good thing.

• I would like DH and me to feel free to grieve and to support MIL. I can't see that this would be possible with three kids.

• the logistics are more complex with three and would mean DH can only stay one night with MIL (rather than stay the night of the funeral as well whilst I go home). Logistics don't work in splitting them (ie eldest comes younger two don't - and I don't think she'd want to go without her siblings).

Looks like their cousins (who are similar ages) who live locally will go.

Why would you need to go home? Space? Could you stay at a travel lodge or b and b.

It’s a difficult one, a 7 year old could get a fair bit out of attending their grandads funeral if they were close, but it depends on the kids. Logistics aside what do you think is best for them?

There probably isn’t a right or wrong choice here to be honest. Do your MIL and DH have an opinion on it?

Two things really, one I think MIL could do with her house to herself or just her and DH, DC are noisy. Kids would also miss another day or school and I'd need to take more time off work. The other option is we travel down after school, have day of funeral, travel back in the morning and kids are in school for the afternoon. But all of that would mean taking a three year old to a funeral.

Who’s having the kids if they don’t go to the funeral? Could they not have the younger one? Then you could give the eldest the option.

DD attended her first funeral (great grandma) at 6 months.

By 7 she had attended 4 funerals - the last of her most beloved great grandma. The first 3, and being very open with her about death, prepared her for the last (cremation). Our families generally treat funerals as celebrations of life rather than dreary affairs.

I lost a sibling as a young child and was kept away from the funeral and any discussions about him afterwards. It fucked me up hugely. I wasn’t having that for DD. She needed the chance to say goodbye.

Completely normal where I grew up, to take small children to funerals. Nobody expected funerals to be these somber, silent events so an occasionally noisy child wouldn’t have been an inconvenience.

I think it was useful to grow up attending funerals and thinking of them as ‘normal’. They’re at an age where they shouldn’t get too upset but will also understand what’s happening. I’d take them.

MIL will want us to do what's best and DH doesn't feel strongly.

I'm worried that the logistics are complex, and I just want what will be a tough day to go smoothly, but that I'm not really thinking whether it would be good for them to go and just choosing the east path.

I took a 2 year old and a 10 month old to a funeral, it wasn't the original plan but covid meant my babysitter couldn't help out on the day so they came with me. I think it helped the 2 year old to process a little of what was going on. I was still free to grieve even with the children there. We had escape plans in hand if we needed them but we didn't, you couldn't hear a peep from either of them and those who joined us online had no idea there were 3 under 3's in the room (another friend brought their little one too). I am firmly in the death is part of life camp and think children can learn that there is nothing to fear with funerals, that sadness is normal and that we can comfort each other.

I can't split the kids, if they don't go I will get public transport to the funeral (DH can travel down the night before) and can extend our normal childcare slightly so I can go down and back in a day. If we take the elder ones I would have to get public transport back with them which is a 5-6 hour round trip.

Could you all travel there (in 2 cars if necessary) and the children attend just the "wake" afterwards if they don't want to attend the actual funeral , they could then return home with you whilst your DH stays longer to support his mum?

When my DC were much younger they just went to the wake after my Gran's funeral and it worked really well. Guests really loved seeing them, especially her friends who had heard about her great grandchildren but not met them, and they just lightened the mood overall.

Can your DH not use public transport when travelling down the day before instead so that you can keep the car for transporting the kids?

@BattenburgDonkey I can't drive there. I'm fine driving locally but not been on a motorway in 20 years and this isn't the occasion to start.

I was 5 when my grandpa died. I didn't go to the funeral, and it affected me badly for years. My mum said that it was her biggest regret not taking me. Don't forget that they need to grieve too

That’s fair enough. Personally I’d base the decision based on what’s best for the children though, not easy logistics, they may get much more out of their grandads funeral than that extra day of school. So if it were me I’d accept the logistical problems and take the kids. Like I said before there’s no right or wrong way really, that’s just my
opinion.

Logistically I think you need permission to not take them.

Funerals are for the living and your are at ages where it will all be a mystery. I don't think it will harm/help them either way, but I think you will be a frazzle by the end of the day in sole care of three dc while you dh supports his Mum.

I hereby give you permission not to take the kids op.

Give BIL/SIL with the similar aged kids a call and discuss plans for dealing with inconvenient 3year old behavior - you could offer to take turns taking small noisy ones out to the park when needed. If they are local they might have a better idea of nearby facilities. If there’s a wake or a meal at MILs and there’s a garden maybe see if they can’t bring some child occupying garden games. Or plan a playroom with toys and maybe a kid friendly film?

My kids went to all funerals of my dad, mum and grandad, they actually brought some joy to family members and any hint of noise and my friend took them out (they were very small for my parents and 6&9 for my grandad).
I'm glad I took them

Do they want to go? Ok the three year old isn’t going to know what it’s all about but your older two are old enough to decide.

BIL and SIL are in the middle of a messy divorce. SIL will not be at the funeral, so I guess my other thinking is that realistically I'll have five kids not three.... . Which I can and will do (as I am coming around to thinking it will be the right thing to take them) I'd just probably prefer not too and to morn lovely DFIL myself.

I am pro children at funerals. They should go.

If you can take them then do. I think its healthy for children to be part of these things.

When my MIL died my DHs brother and SIL brought their 3 and 5 year olds to the funeral. SILs parents came too and were ready to take the kids out if need be but they were absolutely fine. It felt right that they were there and they felt it helped them understand what had happened to Granny.

I’d ask your 5 and 7 year old if they want to go. Sit at the back and have a large bag of distractions.