Children at a funeral

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DFIL died suddenly this week (though he had dementia for some time). DC are 3, 5 and 7. It's a couple of hours drive. They were close and we saw him and MIL at least once a month, outside of the pandemic.

My initial instinct is that they shouldn't go to the funeral:

• I am not sure they'll get much from it, but that's my assumption and some quick research I've done suggests it can be a good thing.

• I would like DH and me to feel free to grieve and to support MIL. I can't see that this would be possible with three kids.

• the logistics are more complex with three and would mean DH can only stay one night with MIL (rather than stay the night of the funeral as well whilst I go home). Logistics don't work in splitting them (ie eldest comes younger two don't - and I don't think she'd want to go without her siblings).

Looks like their cousins (who are similar ages) who live locally will go.

My approach was to let my children attend funeral services for close relatives. They can comprehend what is going on and don't have the feeling that the person has just disappeared. I also let them view the person before burial if they want to. They "got" the concept that the personality/soul wasn't there any more but I know some people wouldn't feel comfortable with that

I don't think funerals are the place to take young children. They can draw a picture to go in coffin but I would not take a child under 11 or 12 to a funeral.

Whyever not? Have you travelled here from the 1800s?

Much better idea for them to sit out service but join food afterwards.

No, but my younger sister went to GP funeral when she was 6 and had nightmares for literally months afterwards.

I’m still in therapy 40 years later from being excluded from my siblings’.

Death is part of life. We owe it to children to allow them to understand and celebrate those we love when their time comes.

My kids were 6 and 3 when FIL passed.

I didn't want to take them, but DH did. So we all went and I realised that he was right. It helps them understand and it takes away the mystery of death. Also children at a funeral gives people hope for the future.

It was a hard day and I did the childcare for my kids and the nieces and nephews. It was long, stressful and I was exhausted. But DH got to grieve with his family and know that his kids were there being their happy little selves.

I know that when I'm in that situation DH will do all the work for me.

So I think you should take them. Let them miss school, it's important.

My father died when my children were 3 and five. They came to the funeral but not the lunch afterwards. I think I got one of the women from their nursery to babysit or a friend's nanny. My son missed the day of school.
The following year their father died and they both came to the funeral for that. As they had been to a similar service they knew what to expect. Again they did not come to the reception after - they'd be bored. They both missed the day at school. I would have no problem taking them out for two days if we had to travel.
It meant a lot to me for them to be there, and for my mother too. She did not need so much support that she couldn't deal with everything without my constant attendance.

Our DC went to both of their Great Grandmother's funerals and also my DStepM. DD would have been 7 then 10.

They had already been to weddings and christenings and it is part of life.

They were upset seeing my cry so much, especially for DStepM, but I don't think it is a bad thing for children to see adults showing emotions. They also saw us be able to move on and talk about the deceased with love.

A caveat to that is that we took them to funerals of very old people. A friend's DD died aged 7 and we did not take them to that one.

In similar circumstances (albeit with slightly younger kids - 2 toddlers and a baby), I’ve brought my best friend or a babysitter along. That way if one started making noise during the eulogy, she could whisk him out. It was nice to have a way for the kids to be there, to bring other family members joy, to honour their relative, etc., but without the pressure of having to deal with them by myself if things went pear-shaped.

In the end, the kids always ended up being fantastic and sitting really quietly. I do think little kids can pick up on the solemnity of these occasions. But it was nice for me to feel like I had help to fall back on so that I could support my family members and grieve without feeling run off my feet.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I am a big advocate of children going to funerals. Death is a part of life and it is good that children are exposed to this. Funerals do not necessarily need to be sad occasions.

I verge lots of funerals and I can't think of anything that children should be protected from. Funerals are all about all the wonderful the deceased has done in their lives and how fantastic they were as parents and grandparents.

I might think about what your MiL would want. Sometimes seeing beloved grandchildren could be a comfort but it depends how she is feeling.

My dc were a little bit younger, and my dn a fraction older when first my Dad and then my Mum died.
None of their Grandchildren went.
I 100% would make the same decision again. It might be considered selfish by some on here, but I needed the funeral to grieve. I needed it for me. I couldn't have responded the same if I / we were looking after 3 small children. Nor could we have been able to spend that quality time talking to people at the tea afterwards, listening to memories etc, if we were seeing to our dcs' needs.

I am often surprised how many people on MN take small dc to funerals. I totally get that people have different traditions and different opinions, but I've been to many, many, many funerals over the decades, and I rarely see dc under about 10 or 12 at funerals, so I am surprised how common it is on MN.

I would always take children of any age to a funeral where possible, especially such a significant family member. The only thing I’m cautious of is a back-up plan if one is being noisy that might mean you have to take them outside if any disruption might upset your MIL. Introducing death in an age-appropriate way as a part of life and funerals as a way of processing grief rather than being scary is only going to help them as they grow up.

I took dd to her great grandmothers funeral because my Mil wanted her there. She became a bit vocal towards the end so I took her out and we wandered around the churchyard. We also went to the wake and lots of family and friends got to meet her. Perhaps ask your Mil what she would like?
I was at a funeral last week that the grandchildren the youngest two were 3 and 4. They were beautifully behaved. They did have a family friend who took the smallest one out when he got bored though.
I agree that children should be included at funerals although it can depend on the child.
I hope my (future) grandchildren will be at mine😀

I did not take toddler DD to my mother's, as I was in no fit state to look after her. And quite frankly dead people who would like their GC there have no say in the matter - if I could not parent my child on the day, either I couldn't go or she couldn't, so it was her who didn't.

My father died recently and my 8 year old attended the funeral. I vividly recall my own grandfather dying at a similar age, and not being allowed to attend. I still resent it now. He behaved beautifully, and it was important that he got to say goodbye too. He would have been ok at 7 too.

smaller than that depends on the mood of the funeral I think. If it is sombre, it will be incredibly stressful for you keeping the little
one quiet. Though lollipop plus little area for colouring at the back might work?

I think you are doing the right thing by taking the children. My dd went to her gf’s funeral when she was younger, she wanted to go. It was a chance to say goodbye and will have helped prepare her for more difficult times when she loses someone even closer. My father died when I was a child and I was not prepared at all and knew nothing of death. It was so hard that even though now I am older than he at the time of his passing, it still to some extent defines me.

Clueless. My kid was four when his dad died. Saying goodbye surrounded by family during the beautiful ritual of his funeral was hugely helpful for him. I took him out of school too to see his father's body in the hospital so that he would see something peaceful and not imagine his dad pain-stricken.

Hiding children away from death is so damaging.

Sorry for your loss. From what you describe I'd be inclined to attend without your DC.

What does the 7 and 5 year old want to do? Speak to them explain and see what they wish to do.

I am a big believer in showing our children grieving is ok and missing someone we love is ok. It will teach them you aresafe to talk about their grief too.

I believe that children should be included in funerals. Death is part of life and there's a huge taboo here around death and funerals. Where I grew up children at wakes (open caskets) and funerals is normal. I went to lots as a child and it didn't affect me.