Children at a funeral

[glassdarker]

DFIL died suddenly this week (though he had dementia for some time). DC are 3, 5 and 7. It's a couple of hours drive. They were close and we saw him and MIL at least once a month, outside of the pandemic.

My initial instinct is that they shouldn't go to the funeral:

• I am not sure they'll get much from it, but that's my assumption and some quick research I've done suggests it can be a good thing.

• I would like DH and me to feel free to grieve and to support MIL. I can't see that this would be possible with three kids.

• the logistics are more complex with three and would mean DH can only stay one night with MIL (rather than stay the night of the funeral as well whilst I go home). Logistics don't work in splitting them (ie eldest comes younger two don't - and I don't think she'd want to go without her siblings).

Looks like their cousins (who are similar ages) who live locally will go.

I always think children should go and learn on formal family occasions. The younger ones may not understand fully but I feel like death shouldn't be hidden and they gain an understanding that that person isn't coming back.

However you know your family and children best and what the deceased would have wanted. My MIL didn't want children at her funeral but we did take my eldest (12 at the time) as he was very close to her and insisted on going and I believe funerals are as much to help the living process what has happened and say goodbye.

From experience, it will all go over the 3 yo’s head. I still remember a nephew of about that age making tracks in the earth at the graveside for his toy cars, at the funeral of my own GM. He had no idea of what it was all about.

Depending on how much they understand, the other two might be very upset, or they might not. Only you will know how sensitive they are.

FWIW dd2 was 7 when MiL, their much loved GM, died, and we didn’t take her to the funeral - IIRC she was reluctant to go. Dd1 was 10 and did want to go, was upset but coped very well.