Anyone else in a living situation they hadn't prepared for?

[Spaghag]

When we bought our 3 bed end terraced house 12 years ago we had 2 DS's and were trying for another DC.

At that point we had moved 3 times in 10 years - from a flat, to a 3 bed in a less desirable area, to the 3 bed we are in now. We honestly thought that by this point in our lives we would be in a nice 4 bed.

Neither of us has lost our jobs, neither has had a career set back. However we now find ourselves in our 3 bed terrace with a 24 year old DS, 21 year old DS & a 10 year old DD. Neither DS can afford to move out as despite working full time, rents on the cheapest flat in the area are around £1k per month. Each has a wage of around £24k which is very good for their age in this area.

The cheapest 4 bed is approximately £100k out of our reach.

Added stress (so I don't get accused of drip feeding) is that DS1 & DD are autistic meaning they need their own space. I know people say don't have kids you can't afford to house but how were we supposed to foresee this all those years ago?

Anyone else in the same situation?

Do you have a garage? You could scale down your possessions to essentials only and convert it into an annexe. A garden room sounds like good option too.

Your other option could be to downsize to a 2 bedroom home in your area or slightly cheaper area and use the equity to gift deposits on a mortgage each for studio flats for your DSs. Not sure if that would be feasible for you though.

I imagine for most it would be the 21 year old house/ flat sharing somewhere or moving somewhere cheaper to rent alone

25 year old then gets room alone, or you consider garden room with en-suite if you think it’s a long term thing that he can never live alone

Most 20 year olds can’t afford a house to buy. Most are flat sharing

Can your oldest move into supported living? You say DS2 would have to be responsible for him if they lived together, but that surely also means that ds1 is not capable of living alone?

OP, I really feel for you. As pps have said, garden rooms can be amazing - with kitchens even. This one doesn't need planning and is guaranteed for 25 years.

You might get PP for an actual annex even - wonder if the 2 ASD diagnoses might help with this?
But don't discount other suggestions - a non-loft, ground floor extension? Moving to another 3 bed which would get planning for a loft extension? Renting yours out and renting a bigger house in a less lovely area? Dividing a bigger room into 2 smaller ones - it doesn't have to be a bedroom, could be the sitting room that gets divided and you use one of the bedrooms for the sitting room. It's really depressing to be on a Murphy bed and I'm sure it's impacting your resilience more generally.

Personally we had the number of kids to match where were living, 3 bed = 2 kids. Having gone through the last recession in 2008(I live in Ireland and it hit pretty hard here) we learnt that you can't bank on moving up the 'property ladder' and never buy a place that won't suit your family circumstances. The term negative equity is etched in my brain so I would never assume I would be able to move to a bigger/better house in the future.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume 3 kids can share 2 beds. OP has just been unlucky that her kids struggle to share for health reasons.

2 bedrooms, I mean. Not two individual beds!

Yes I was going to say the same thing. Does it still exist

I don't blame you for wanting your bedroom back

Do they pay you housekeeping?

Getting back to your original question op, no. I am most definitely not where I thought I would be.

We did everything right. Had three children (in a four bed house - check). Both had good jobs and were careful spenders.

In the end, eldest has a medical disability and middle child is a wonderous creation and deeply loved, but quite unlike anyone else I have ever met (aka ASD and Low IQ).

I had to give up work two years ago to become a ft carer and we slowly slipped into debt on one wage.

We hope to move into a lovely 3 bed flat in the next couple of weeks.

We are in the living room while the kids get the bedrooms.

I would love for my eldest (14) to live at home for as long as he wanted to but the chances are he will be very keen to study, get a job job and move into his own place.

I am looking forward to moving because our debts will be gone and we will have next to no mortgage. Perhaps if you had stretched at an earlier point you would have ended up struggling financial. It has been the hands down worst experience of my entire life so I am happy to take the lounge living in return for less stress.

Good luck, you sound like you are doing an excellent job

Agree with the other replies that your eldest needs to move out!

Hmmm - maybe try reading the thread.

@Minimalme and @Spaghag you both sound like very caring people who are doing their best in a difficult situation.

For all the previous posters telling them 'don't mollycoddle the youngsters/it's not good for them/let them stand on their own two feet / that never happened in my day etc etc' Make an attempt at understanding that people are all different and sometimes life isn't as straightforward as you'd like it to be. And that doesn't make it okay to patronise those who have a different path to you.

I have a story. We moved from a tiny 2 bed new build with our DD (2) to a 'project' victorian 3 bed terrace, with the express intent of having another DC, me going back to work full time (I'd been part time since DD was born), and spending the next 3-5 years saving and doing up the house and making it into a perfect little nest. 18 months later, DS has arrived, I've gone back part time but informed work I want to go back full time, they're putting plans in place. I suddenly take ill (fine one moment, collapsed on the floor the next), which turns out to be a life long condition I'll always have to take medication for, and which fcked up everything, as I get regular relapses. I never got back to work full time. In the middle of this, housing prices went stratospheric, which meant we couldn't afford to move either. We never got to do the house up, which broke my heart because it could have been so beautiful. Living in a house that 'needs work' is bloody awful and we did it for twenty years, just patching it up instead of being able to do proper renovations. We've finally been able to move and are now in another new build, which I love, but I'll always dream of the home we could have made. I hope the new owners manage it.

Great. Contraception never fails, right?

Only on mumsnet does contraception fail with such regularity, honestly its members should make up the vast majority of the testing panel because I don’t think they can claim and 99% success rate based on the members here.

It'd be a bit bloody weird if they were using contraception whilst trying for a child like the OP stated.

I think you should turn the biggest room into 2 single rooms. Uts not right tha5 you are sleeping in the lounge. Thats the best solution

@tootiredtoocare I'm so sorry

I hope more read your story and it helps them to understand that, despite planning and hard work, that next curve ball could be coming your way and there's nothing you can do.

Getting stuck in a doer upper is a billion times worse than living somewhere too small. We are moving from a doer upper (which we've had for 3 long years) to a small flat which is really well decorated, new boiler, windows etc.

It is quite natural to mourn the house you had and for the dreams that didn't come true. But you are here and that is the most important thing. Enjoy your new home with no DIY - it's a joy!

As an autistic, I brought my first house 3 years ago. It was a 4 bed detached with all double bedrooms. Im not bragging, I'm making the point that many autistics have successfully careers. Isn’t the issue that your first child has learning difficulties rather than him simply being autistic?

Im also interested to know why your children can’t share. My parents struggled financially and although I’d have preferred my own room I always shared until my older sister went to uni as there wasn’t another option available,

You have lots of good suggestions on this thread, it looks like you need to sit down as a family and plan where you want to be and how you are going to get there. If child 2 has been working for a couple of years they could already have a sizeable sum towards a house deposit. Is there anything you need to factor into your plans so he can achieve his goals? For example, I studied a number of post grad qualifications to significantly improve my earning potential. to be able to afford the fees I went against the crowd and moved into a council flat as was cheaper than private renting (even compared to a house share). Council houses might have long waiting list but one bedroom flats generally do not.

As well as being autistic, I do have a disability (I have ADHD) and am in receipt of PIP. The key to a successful application is independently proving the challenges you face. Many PDOCs will write this supporting letter for a modest fee.

Is there a garage which could be converted? Could you add on an orangery (more substantial conservatory) or an actual extension? A certain size is allowed without planning permission.

I'm surprised that this wasn't thought of at least 5 or 10 years ago when presumably it was already apparent that DS1 needed extra support? Did you expect DS2 to move out the day he turned 18? How long have you been sleeping in the lounge room?

Is there not supported living options for DS1 to gain some independence? I say this as someone with a brother who has SEN. I realise every county and area have different schemes and options, so might be something you did explore already? Fantastic that he is working though and in a well paid job.

Whilst its equally great that the 21yr old is working, I don't know if expecting him to move out to suit your family needs is fair either right now.

@Minimalme thank you. It has been a struggle. I'm now in a position to be comfortable again, I just wish it could have been like that for my DCs, I've spent a lot of their lives being below par. Things are better now 😁

A friend recently bought a small caravan for her eldest as they needed an extra room and couldn’t afford to build. You say you are end of terrace, do you have outside space you could put one on?

It’s actually not permitted to use a touring caravan on your land as an annex/dwelling fyi.

Ah, it is permitted here (Aus), sorry!

Definitely support your DS to apply for PIP. Supported living exists where I live - my elder DC hasn't lived at home since the age of 22. I wouldn't have been able to work otherwise. What plans do you have for your DS's care when you're much older, possibly infirm?

I also agree with PPs that when I was that age, nearly 40 years ago, house and flat shares were completely normal. One of my younger colleagues at work has only recently bought her tiny flat, and has been living in a house share for years.