Anyone else in a living situation they hadn't prepared for?

[Spaghag]

When we bought our 3 bed end terraced house 12 years ago we had 2 DS's and were trying for another DC.

At that point we had moved 3 times in 10 years - from a flat, to a 3 bed in a less desirable area, to the 3 bed we are in now. We honestly thought that by this point in our lives we would be in a nice 4 bed.

Neither of us has lost our jobs, neither has had a career set back. However we now find ourselves in our 3 bed terrace with a 24 year old DS, 21 year old DS & a 10 year old DD. Neither DS can afford to move out as despite working full time, rents on the cheapest flat in the area are around £1k per month. Each has a wage of around £24k which is very good for their age in this area.

The cheapest 4 bed is approximately £100k out of our reach.

Added stress (so I don't get accused of drip feeding) is that DS1 & DD are autistic meaning they need their own space. I know people say don't have kids you can't afford to house but how were we supposed to foresee this all those years ago?

Anyone else in the same situation?

Highly unlikely as a single person earning £24k unless their LHA (local housing allowance) is very high.

I'd start with sorting out your storage and being ruthless with your decluttering - almost to a state of minimalism. Get some big storage 'solutions'. IKEA is great for ideas.

Things are then only in your home after much thought and they all have a place to return to. Keep seasonal items in these boxes etc.

Then I'd get someone in to look up the possibility of an extension. An extra room and possibly washroom would take off the pressure.

If that's not practical, maybe look at a garden room? Or a conservatory? Somewhere you can carve out a space for individuals to escape the busy house for a bit.

To add, I would hate it if my DS felt he couldn't stay as long as his siblings in the house. 21 is still so young and I'd want him to stay till he felt ready. Although that comment probably doesn't help much!

Good luck.

Everyone expects to rent a room in a house share when they’re in their first job.

If you do a big expensive building project at home to accommodate your adult DC staying at home and make it more comfortable, they may well still be there in 10 years time.

With your NT DS, I actually think he should be encouraged to move out as a positive step into adulthood. Although it feels kind to keep adult DC at home it does them few favours in the long run.

It’s terrible that you are having to sleep in the lounge.

Do they? I never expected to live in a house share, neither did anyone I know, other than maybe while at university. It seems to be a more recent thing?

I get it op. I've bought houses on my own and I'm looking for something now. I really thought I would only rent for a year at the most.

The expectation is that you buy, buy something more expensive and then downsize. Property is still so expensive.

Gosh I don’t think you’re being a princess at all. Not sure I could cope with having to sleep in the living room.

I agree with the cabin idea. Quite a few people do this. They take up little space and it gives the young person space and privacy.

Someone I know lives in a small house with his wife and two young children, then the three step kids each have their own cabin.

Surely when you had a 3rd child 10 years after the last one you added up how that would look financially?
I had 2 , 3 would have clobbered us financially and meant another 10 years of being stretched.
Agree with the other replies that your eldest needs to move out!

My situation is similar to yours in some ways OP. Am going to enquire about a double storey extension which would give us enough bedrooms plus a kitchen big enough to swing a cat in!

Don't know if I can afford it though, on my single salary.

If ds1 would struggle independently there's schemes for managed house shares (with care if required) dsd lives in one though she's not capable of working so her rent it met by uc. Is a bedsit an option, my 23 year old autistic dd lives in a shared house btw

21 is not young at all!

Yes rents are expensive but this is not a new thing - I have only just bought a flat in the last couple of years at the age of 40, after over 20 years of renting/ flat sharing/ sharing with partners.

It’s really good that these days it’s recognised property is expensive and high rents make it hard to buy (believe me, I know - I struggled for years with not being able to save because of my high rent) but I think it’s going too far the other way and at the moment on Mumsnet, it’s like now it’s incomprehensible to think someone would move out, share a gritty flat, get a room in a house and actually have to use most of their income on it. It’s like there’s no expectation of just getting on with it.

When I was younger and living in London, all my friends had bar jobs on top of day jobs to help pay the bills and have money to go out. If we couldn’t afford to live in a certain area, that was accepted and you lived where you could afford.

I feel for you OP because clearly you have other circumstances going on that make it much harder for your eldest. But for your 21 year old and in general, there is nothing wrong with moving out and putting up tight budgeting in those early years.

@ForestFae

House shares were normal 25 years ago in London, I had work colleagues even sharing a room (bunk beds not a partner) in their 20's. It's always been expensive but back then we didn't have all these other unnecessary but considered essential expenditures like fancy phones on contract, Netflix etc and for some reason people have lost the ability to make sandwiches based on the queues at lunchtime outside the sandwich retailers in my town

Similar set up although we have more dc. Asd and adhd and not really enough space so I had to move to box room and my Tom was huge so that was able to be partitioned to make a single room for one dc and a double that 2 of the others could share

room not tomorrow

Perhaps it’s the norm in London, but I don’t think it is outside of that? I’m northern, fairly rural and it wasn’t expected around here as far as I know. I’ve never lived anywhere near London so it could be different.

Im early 50s and not in London and it was completely normal to leave home and live in a houseshare.
Looking at the Ops 21 year old -he earns 24K so around £1654 monthly.
A flat cost 1K per month.
If he shares thats £500 on rent.
Perfectly doable.
Apols OP I missed the bit about your eldest having ASD.

It was perfectly normal I will agree with you there but it was also the reason why it took us quite a long time and two jobs to save up to buy our own houses and that was back in the day when a 5% deposit would do and a house was three times of income. If you can’t support your children by providing them with accommodation which is the biggest chunk of their wage is the absolute reality of it is they fucked in the long-term.
no I wouldn’t be building garden rooms or converting lofts etc for them to have them piss it up the wall but for them to save up a deposit for a property or to load up their pension yes absolutely parents should be doing that if they can.

I had rooms in shared houses until I was 30 when I moved in with my now husband. We were able to eventually buy a house when I was 35.

I am a professional.from a single parent working class background, so no help from family at all, and never would have expected in or wanted it. I have no idea why anyone would think they can't leave home until they can afford their own place.

Seems best scenario is that your second son gets a room in shared accommodation and/or you invest in a garden Room or similar

I am 48 for context.

I have a DS25 who is autistic. He's not currently working but does have an Honours Degree.

We reapplied for him when his DLA award ran out and we had to apply for PIP. It's the same process, but this time my DS got the care element and no mobility element. He ended up losing about £60pm but still gets £247pm.

It's worth applying.

Op for a long term option for DS1, look at Booths garden studios or similar for 55-65K you can have an entire studio home with bathroom kitchenette, installed, so no building works inside.

If you have a garden this is your best bet, he could pay it off on a loan over say 10 years, and have some independence. If you plan it carefully you could probable get an additional small room on it for ds2, sharing the bathroom and kitchen until he moves out or saves his deposit.

It sould be financed by your sons, not you.
This way DS1 has a long term solution, and DS2 has fairly cheap living maybe sharing the cost of financing it with DS1, whilst allowing him to save too.

Just check what size you would be allowed with permitted development rights from your local council.

No way should you be sleeping on a sofa!

Perhaps it’s the norm in London, but I don’t think it is outside of that?

It has long been normal in most towns, which is where most people live. The only people I know who didn't live in shared houses were the ones who got council properties, or a few in Dublin who lived at home until 30 and then bought.

I can see why your older ds may need to live at home if that is what you want , as opposed to supportive living or flat share with his brother.
You second son should definitely be looking to flat share and move our- it is outrageous that a fit young man can stand by and see his parents sleeping in the lounge while he enjoys his own room ! utterly ridiculous.
if both boys are working and one seems to have a good starting salary ...i would be calling family meeting, outlining that house is too small for 4 adults and one tween, so options are:

you move to bigger house and boys pay equivalent of flatshare rent to cover increased mortgage
ds2 looks to move out and/or DS funds building of garden annexe

I know it seems harsh but we are doing no favours by mollycoddling young people, when i first moved out i lived in flat share and 50% of my take home pay went on my rent
My dd and her dbf spend 50% of their take home pay renting flat in London - it has taught them to budget

Oh dear

You say that you have a large kitchen/diner. What I would do is use that area as the family living area and use your living room as your bedroom - put a proper bed in there. And maybe get a small garden room as an additional hangout area.

You second son should definitely be looking to flat share and move our- it is outrageous that a fit young man can stand by and see his parents sleeping in the lounge while he enjoys his own room ! utterly ridiculous.

But it's not on him that he's not sharing with the older brother, it's the older brothers needs being met?