Anyone else in a living situation they hadn't prepared for?

[Spaghag]

When we bought our 3 bed end terraced house 12 years ago we had 2 DS's and were trying for another DC.

At that point we had moved 3 times in 10 years - from a flat, to a 3 bed in a less desirable area, to the 3 bed we are in now. We honestly thought that by this point in our lives we would be in a nice 4 bed.

Neither of us has lost our jobs, neither has had a career set back. However we now find ourselves in our 3 bed terrace with a 24 year old DS, 21 year old DS & a 10 year old DD. Neither DS can afford to move out as despite working full time, rents on the cheapest flat in the area are around £1k per month. Each has a wage of around £24k which is very good for their age in this area.

The cheapest 4 bed is approximately £100k out of our reach.

Added stress (so I don't get accused of drip feeding) is that DS1 & DD are autistic meaning they need their own space. I know people say don't have kids you can't afford to house but how were we supposed to foresee this all those years ago?

Anyone else in the same situation?

DH & I sleep in the lounge with a Murphy bed giving the DCs a room each upstairs.

I know I am being a princess/special etc. I'm just sad that despite planning we are worse off than we envisaged.

I don’t think you’re being a princess! Far from it. For starters, i wouldn’t permanently sleep in the lounge on a pullout bed in a house I owned and paid for.
I think you need to have an honest chat with the boys about the living situation. Work out a solution between you.
few people have the luxury of a big enough house to accommodate a grown up family for ever.

You aren’t being a princess,
I can see us being in a similar situation in a few years time, with ds 1 being autistic, etc and unlikely to move out in a hurry.
We are in the process of converting some space downstairs into a bedroom for one of the ds2,

Ds2 needs to go back to uni and finish his degree.

I can see this is tricky. DS1 is a vulnerable adult and I wouldn’t be pushing him out the door either. I think if you hang on ds2 will move out of his own accord and things will get easier.

I agree with the earlier poster and look at a garden room. You can have them with a shower room included so no midnight dashes indoors. We have one and it is more insulated than our 200 yo house!

Do you mind if I ask which company you used and what sort of costs are involved please ?

To be fair his earnings now are at graduate level anyway. Plus he has work experience.

He was doing Accounting & Finance.

Are either autistic DC in receipt of PIP/DLA? There are charities that will help with extensions or creating rooms.
Do you have a separate dining room?

No seperate dining room. We have a large kitchen/diner.

DS1 used to get DLA. He didn't apply when it switched to PIP as at the time we heard horror stories of terminally ill people or those missing limbs being declared fit for work.

Also, DS1 does work. He is at a nearby warehouse with a small team & repetitive work. He is paid well for unsociable hours.

Your DS1 may still be eligible for PIP even though he works, and it could help.

www.gov.uk/pip/eligibility

Have you thought of a garden room with underfloor heating for one of the older children?

If you live somewhere like the Lakes it is worth checking out if DS2 might be eligible for local occupancy housing/ help to buy type schemes.

Is he doing AAT or ACCA type qualifications?

Most people don't move out into their own flat though. Normally you'd get a flat share or a room in a house so it would be much less that £1k per week - or is that in a shared house??

What about a ground floor extension? I know you said the loft had been denied but what about the back or side of the property? Otherwise a garden room sounds a good option.
Are 3 beds that could have a loft conversion also out of price range?

I think a lot of families with autistic children can relate to life not quite turning out as they'd expected. Not that that makes it easy.

Raising 3 kids in a 3 bed is normal. Having a 24 year old who can't live independently is not the norm, and many other DC in DS2's position would have started flatsharing at uni and probably continued that into their first job. It's just that the cards have fallen a bit differently.

There is an end in sight, but this is just the way things have to be for now. I think you're right, DS2 will move out at some point. It's completely normal for him to do that into a shared flat or house. It would be a strength not a failing to do so. It's also fine if he moves a bit further away than you'd like.

It sounds like both boys have overcome significant challenges and are doing really well. You have achieved so much to get them there, you have lots to be proud of that is far more meaningful than square footage or number of bedrooms.

Where's the expectation that DS2 needs his own flat coming from - him or you? It wouldn't have crossed my mind at 21 that I would do anything but house share. In fact I remember making a new friend at about 24 who lived on her own and it was something that was really novel. The only people not house sharing were living at home/ living with boyfriends.

I ask because I can't believe it's changed that much and I'm wondering if it's your thinking, not his. Have you discussed your plans with him? What board does he pay you,?

A lot of families with Autistic DC face this. I don't know if our eldest will ever be capable of moving out. I think the other two will eventually. Are their steps you could take to help DS2 move out? That would seem the logical next step if you can't extend, though I'd understand if you wouldn't feel comfortable pushing this.

Could you build a granny annexe type studio apartment either attached to your house or like op have said in the garden? Do you have a cellar or garage?

I think people who are saying the older dc need to move out are privileged people who don't understand the reality of living in today's society for most people. I bought my first house in a nice area in 1998 for 25k, on a 0% deposit, how are the younger generations meant to find 20k plus to buy these days? Or afford inflated rents?

It's crap that the extortionate house prices mean you can't afford a house big enough to accommodate you all. We live in a 4 bed in a undesirable area (bought for 125k in 2014) as we have 2 (now) adult children and one younger child. We would like to move to a nicer area but it's beyond our means at this time. The likelihood is we will buy a smaller house when the older 2 have moved out.

Is ds 2 still at uni? Maybe he will get a house share at some point? Would ds1 be eligible for supported living or do you feel he's better suited to staying at home? Hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel for you and it's just a case of waiting it out.

Why on earth would a 21 year old need to buy a house to move out? No one is suggesting that. Everyone is asking expecting a house to be affordable though - he's on 24k!

*Everyone is expecting a house share to be affordable

There may not even be house shares available if it’s a rural area.
look into the garden room as lots of people do that very successfully. The rules for static caravans allow one on a domestic property if it is part of the domestic property eg not rented out or used by a non family member. Obviously you have to have the space.

I (and none of my friends) have ever been able to afford a flat to myself. All in well paid jobs. I flat shared up until I bought with my partner. I don’t know anyone who pays £1000 a month on their own (mortgage or rent).

If your older son is going to be living with you for the foreseeable then I would definitely look at a garden room with a shower room and maybe a small kitchenette. This would give him a degree of independence too.
Your younger son earns enough that he can live in a flat share. It can't be great for his mental health or social life to be still living with his parents, he needs to spread his wings.
I don't know anyone who rented a whole flat at that age, we all lived in flat shares.
Once the boys are out you have your bedroom back and a spare room too!