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Original poster

Boy in girls changing room…what’s the solution?

84 replies

Bundlesofchocforme · 03/06/2022 06:50

DS is on a swimming course this week and the policy is that you use the changing room of the parent’s sex regardless of the sex of the child.

DS’s presence was clearly causing discomfort for some of the girls and there were a lot of pointed looks and mutterings from other mums but no one said anything directly to me.

Personally I would prefer to use the changing room of the child’s sex, meaning I would go into the boys changing room with ds and dads would go into the girls changing room with their daughters but I can see how this might be difficult.

Alternatively, all parents could wait outside and only children allowed in the changing room but some children do need help,

Not wanting to cause the girls further discomfort or encroach on their space, I changed ds in the very small toilet as quickly as possible but we won’t be going again.

Is there a solution that I haven’t thought of?

OP posts:
Clymene · 03/06/2022 06:51

How old is he?

Original poster
Bundlesofchocforme · 03/06/2022 06:56

He’s 6 but looks older. Physically he can change himself easily but emotionally he just wouldn’t cope in the crowded changing room on his own with a lot of unfamiliar adults due to his past.

OP posts:
Fucket · 03/06/2022 06:57

It depends on your son’s age. Once he’s about 7 can’t he go on his own into the men’s and get himself changed? When my son goes swimming with school (year 3) he is expected to get himself changed the teachers don’t do it for him.

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TidyDancer · 03/06/2022 06:59

A similar issue has come up on MN a few times in the past and I think the general consensus is that from 8 and upwards children should be using the appropriate changing room for their sex (baring any SN obviously).

I'm not sure what you can do beyond what you already are in this instance though. The girls shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable. Is there a family changing room available? Or a cubicle he could change in?

sleepyhoglet · 03/06/2022 07:00

Family changing rooms

Fucket · 03/06/2022 07:02

Cross post… can you find swimming venues in the future with unisex family changing areas? That way you’re not upsetting any girls who are expecting a boy-free changing environment. Boys do stare out of curiosity and girls shouldn’t have to put up with it. I have boys and girls and I don’t for one minute assume your son has any malice, but it can make girls uncomfortable and it’s not fair.

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 03/06/2022 07:04

I’m currently facing this dilemma with my child who is about to turn 8. He’s getting to the stage now where he also doesn’t want to be in the female change but I’m the one who takes them swimming and I have a 5yo who still needs help. I think the answer for now is for him to use a cubicle when changing (there are many available at our pool) and I still change our younger child. I don’t think the risk of harm to him alone in the mens and his ability to do something about it is acceptable just yet, though I don’t know when this will change. Our other option for swimming is much better as it is all unisex cubicles but lesson times don’t work so well for us there. To be honest, it’s the one strong argument I have for unisex spaces with cubicles, having more adults around in general means lower risk of harm overall.

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 03/06/2022 07:07

@Fucket it’s not just boys who stare. My child has been made to be very uncomfortable by girls staring at him as he’s changing. It’s really difficult for kids who are in that tween phase - might not be ready to use sex-appropriate changing rooms unsupervised and also not comfortable in parent’s sex-appropriate changing facility. Unisex space is needed, but very often it’s provided to cater for families with very young children and not as available for this population.

SmallDucks · 03/06/2022 07:12

I don't understand the problem.

All three of our local swimming pools have one changing room for males and females.

No one is uncomfortable, everyone finds a changing room.

RoobarbandCustud · 03/06/2022 07:13

My son took himself to the mens changing room alone from 8. He was unphased. I dont think anyone has an issue with little boys in womens changing rooms do they?

Original poster
Bundlesofchocforme · 03/06/2022 07:16

The policy of using the changing room of the parents sex was clearly communicated in every email from the swim school so I didn’t have a lot of patience with the other mums to be honest, however it wasn’t fair on the girls to be made to feel uncomfortable, and they clearly were, which is why I changed him in the toilet (or more accurately he changed himself in the toilet while I waited outside as it was too small for both of us. But this caused further problems as other children needed the loo.

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 03/06/2022 07:20

Arrive in swimwear
Use a poncho towel afterwards with DS facing wall.

As he's 6, he's in the right place. Talk loudly about what he might do when he's 7 or in Yr2 etc and people might get the hint.

Original poster
Bundlesofchocforme · 03/06/2022 07:23

Around the world - brilliant, if we go again I will try that thank you!

I will also look for pools family changing rooms when we go together. The only pools the local swim schools us though are school pools and I think they are probably all the same set up as this one.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 03/06/2022 07:24

I would buy a swimming changing poncho and put that over him and slip his bathers off underneath. I am not sure dads in girls changing rooms are that welcomed either it’s an ongoing issue that won’t be resolved.

Bimblybomeyelash · 03/06/2022 07:25

I’m amazed at the number of changing rooms that don’t appear to have any cubicles. It’s been a long time since I last saw properly communal changing rooms. I guess I should feel lucky that my local
pool has all cubicles, including family sized ones, so we All get charged together with no issues.

MintyMoocow · 03/06/2022 07:28

On no occasion would I ever have turned a hair about a 6 year old boy in a changing room. The world has gone insane!

Nahnanananahna · 03/06/2022 07:29

It's completely fine to take a 6 year old boy into the women's changing room. How much older does he look? How old are the girls?

Is the pool exclusive use for the swimming classes at this time? If not then of course you can't go into the men's. However, if it's just children and all are around 6, then I'd think about explaining to the swim club and asking for guidance. Obviously doesn't apply if going into the men's might mean there are (eg) 10 year old boys who have to change in front of you!

TeenPlusCat · 03/06/2022 07:33

At age 6 he is fine in the girls.
By age 8 he should be fine changing by himself in the mens.

Nutellaonall · 03/06/2022 07:35

I think if the boy is 6 you should leave it. I wouldn’t have let my 6 year old go on his own to a changing room. Even 8 is pushing it for him as emotionally he isn’t ready to be on his own.

User56785 · 03/06/2022 07:35

*I don't understand the problem.

All three of our local swimming pools have one changing room for males and females.

No one is uncomfortable, everyone finds a changing room.*

I don't understand how you don't understand the problem.

Not all changing rooms have cubicles, some are just open plan. Now, I don't know about all three of my local ones - but the one I actually took my dc to for lessons had no cubicles.

The son can't use the mens as he is just a little but too young the OP says to manage on his own.

That's the problem.

ImFree2doasiwant · 03/06/2022 07:38

As PP have said, arrive in swimwear, under a onesie if cold. Put poncho towel on, get dried, pants, onesie, towel off. Quick and easy.

He can't be the only boy there surely?

Feelingoktoday · 03/06/2022 07:40

Age 6 is fine in the girls changing room with mum. Just tell him not to stare and be discreet and quick.

it would be inappropriate for you to go into the men’s.

age 8 he needs to go in the changing room appropriate to his sex.

Im assuming they did it this way to completely avoid the gender problems.

Sittininafield · 03/06/2022 07:43

He’s 6! That’s fine! The girls and their mums are being silly, just carry on as you are. If he stares, tell him not to. 6 is too young to go on his own and you are following the policy. I am surprised that 6 year old girls feel uncomfortable- they don’t normally care at all at that age! I say this as someone very keen to preserve women’s spaces, but little boys don’t count. Dads in the changing room would be a problem.

NewYorkLassie · 03/06/2022 07:44

MintyMoocow · 03/06/2022 07:28

On no occasion would I ever have turned a hair about a 6 year old boy in a changing room. The world has gone insane!

Exactly. Assuming all the kids are the same age I very much doubt a Y1 girl cares. They will still be changing in mixed groups for PE at school.

As for the poster that said if they can change independently they should be in the changing room of their sex on their own, really? You’d let a 6 year old go off on their own? Most 6 year olds would not be at all happy with that either. It’s entirely different in a school setting. Even if changing independently the teachers are still there to supervise.

Hallyup89 · 03/06/2022 07:45

If a child is young enough to need a parent then it's not an issue. If the child is old enough to change alone then they can use the correct changing room. Nobody is looking at your child, or anyone else's child ffs.

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