Boy in girls changing room…what’s the solution?

[Bundlesofchocforme]

DS is on a swimming course this week and the policy is that you use the changing room of the parent’s sex regardless of the sex of the child.

DS’s presence was clearly causing discomfort for some of the girls and there were a lot of pointed looks and mutterings from other mums but no one said anything directly to me.

Personally I would prefer to use the changing room of the child’s sex, meaning I would go into the boys changing room with ds and dads would go into the girls changing room with their daughters but I can see how this might be difficult.

Alternatively, all parents could wait outside and only children allowed in the changing room but some children do need help,

Not wanting to cause the girls further discomfort or encroach on their space, I changed ds in the very small toilet as quickly as possible but we won’t be going again.

Is there a solution that I haven’t thought of?

He's 6. He can't be in the men's on his own at 6, fgs! Everyone else just has to get over having a little boy who is nowhere near puberty around.

Of course he should change with you in the women's changing-room and you shouldn't go into the men's. Adult men have a reasonable expectation of privacy from adult women. Young children don't have the same expectation of privacy from other young children.

If your DS is uncomfortable, send him to change in a cubicle or bring a changing-robe or poncho that he can change under. If the girls are uncomfortable, their parents can do the same.

The swimming pool has been absolutely clear on its policy, which is no adults in opposite sex changing rooms.

My DS has swimming lessons at a school pool and it only has 2 communal changing rooms, no cubicles. The swim school has designated one to be strictly girls only, the other is unisex/family. I think this works ok but I do feel a bit sorry for older boys who have no choice but to use the unisex one and might want more privacy by that age. It is mostly young children at my DS’s slot though so not such an issue yet. DS is 6 and already doesn’t want anyone seeing him getting changed so we have a big towel poncho he gets changed under.

Were the girls who felt discomfort older?

Usually children of that age (6) aren't too worried about the sex of people they are changing with as at school they change for people in the classroom. However I wonder with covid and the going in in PE kit if this has changed and they aren't use to it? And obviously having autonomy over one's body is important to learn from any age.

Ds swims with a club. It's a large changing room with cubicles. I prefer that set up.

But even I raised an eyebrow the other day when a child (maybe 4 ish) was sat in a chair in the cafe upstairs changing for her lesson.

Not so much the naked body on the chair but the hygeine!

I have never been to any swimming pool that only have communal changing rooms so have never encountered this problem.

Age 8 seems very young to send a boy into a boys/mens communal area on their own and SN is not always noticeable and what about younger children who look older than their age? Why on earth should anyone have to raise their voice to make sure other parents/children know how old they are. They are children for goodness sake!

That's actually dreadful.

Why should older boys/men be expected to change in front of woman dressing their young boys anymore than girls should be expected to change in front of boys/men.

If he's 6 I really find it very surprising that anyone is bothered.

Contrary to popular mn opinion though, many mothers are actually mothers if boys and girls

The problem here is he looks old enough to be in the mens but he isn't. There might be boys who look six and are six.

Perhaps he can carry one of those number helium balloons wherever he goes.

Personally I would prefer to use the changing room of the child’s sex, meaning I would go into the boys changing room with ds and dads would go into the girls changing room with their daughters but I can see how this might be difficult

I would very much object to men coming into the women’s changing room. I would have no objection at all to a 6yo boy though. As long as you’re not allowing him to stare, I would make the pool staff aware so they can make their rules even more obvious for those who think you’re doing the wrong thing.

8 is the widely accepted age limit. But I do smile, half the posts on Mumsnet are to moan about unisex changing villages (our pool has this) with cubicles anyone can use, the other half is about the wrong sex child in the single sex changing rooms ... they cannot win can they???

What do all these children do on the beach?

You can't go in the men's room changing room. The sex separation is to give adults and older children privacy from each other. People generally don't care about privacy from little children.

Men and any older boys would be uncomfortable with a woman in there.

AS its an organised event the organisers were probably concerned about the safety aspects of sending a child on his/her own to the changing area. Some would be ok some not and if anything untoward did happen they may be held liable.

Btw our pool solved everything buy telling us all, adults included to change on the side of the pool during covid and many people still do, some in a very exhibitionist way

Ds7 and ds4, I have to take them into the female changing rooms with me when we go swimming, I always put them in their swimming stuff at home and then after ds7 particularly prefers to change in one of the cubicles that is available, there isn't many of them so he often waits, and usually sits and looks at the lockers while waiting...! Not that I've forced him to do that, but I think he's just at an age where he's more aware.
I wouldn't feel at all comfortable allowing him to go into the mens changing rooms alone until quite a bit older. There is one tiny family changing room but it's often taken

I thought you were going to say your son was 11! At six, of course he should be changing with you rather than going into the mens on his own. The other mums were being ridiculous.

I have a six year old boy and always take him into the women’s changing rooms at swimming and we’ve never had any comments or looks. I do agree though that there is an in between age (8-9 ish) where they are a bit young to go in the men’s by themselves but getting too big for the women’s - at our pool there are a couple of cubicles in the women’s so I guess waiting for one of those is an option.

That would stop me from going swimming ever again!

Go in their swimmers and come home in their swimmers?
Use a tent?
Poncho?

I think a 6yo is young enough that he is ok in the female changing room. I would draw the line around 7 or 8 but by that time the majority of kids can change themselves independently. If a male child was both old enough to start being aware/interested about being in the presence of girls undressing whilst still being unable to change alone (which doesn't often overlap) then during that overlap I would bring them to the pool already in their trunks, with a tshirt that can be slipped off at the poolside. And for afterwards I would use a towelling beach overall thing and take him straight from the pool to the car and get him showeres and changed at home. Or I would get his dad/the dad of a friend attending the same activity to take him. But these alternatives wouldn't usually be necessary as young as 6.

A little girl of around 7 once told my 2 year old that he should be in the men's changing-room as "he's a boy", which I found quite funny 😁. He didn't really understand so just looked blankly at her.

what age are the girls? if they are his age I am surprised they are uncomfortable or even aware - if they are older they should be aware that he is very young.
You can't take him in to a boys changing room as why should boys change in front of you- that is much more inappropriate.
Also DP goes swimming with DS a lot where they are both changing and he has had situations where mums are in the changing room while he is changing

dads would go into the girls changing room with their daughters

I’m sympathetic to you problem OP but this is definitely not the solution.

If you are worried about causing the girls distress how on earth would it be better for them to change around unrelated grown men rather than young boys?

The other mums are being unfair if that is the policy of the swim school that has been clearly communicated.

People may disagree over age limits for children, but the one absolute rule should be no adults in opposite sex changing-rooms. Adults have an absolute expectation of privacy from adults of the opposite sex... it is never acceptable for this to be infringed.

Our swim school has this same policy and I can't understand it.

The parents do not change, we stay dressed at all times.

Dads take their boys or girls in to the men's. Mums take their boys or girls in to the women's.

If all mums came one week then the children would all be changed in front of all the mums. Same for the dads. Regardless of child's sex. So (for example) girls would have to change in front of other Childrens dads if their dad was the one to bring them that week...

I could understand if the parents were also changing, but it seems a rule for the sake of it. Surely basing changing room allocation should be on adults sex?

When the girls were little at one pool DH would just put them in their fluffy dressing gowns, stick them in the car and drive them home to change. At the other pool they had cubicles they could use, they preferred that as he took them for a burger or pizza after and they didn't get to go for that if they went straight home.

I could understand if the parents were also changing, but it seems a rule for the sake of it. Surely basing changing room allocation should be on adults sex?

Thats what the OP's class does, children go with their parent.