Can someone help me understand my 3yo? - not interested in tv and does't play his toys

[Return2thebasic]

I'm really puzzled and struggle to understand him (so as to support his development better). Nursery teachers have mentioned he's very bright from very early on. He was able to make a lot of remarkable comments since very little, and very observant.

But he doesn't like tv - at least that's how you can conclude if you turn on the tv. He claims he wants to watch a show if you mention it. But if you don't mention, he wouldn't ask for tv. Once the tv is on, he would watch for less than tv, then either started losing interest or claiming it's scary (all Cbeebies stuff). He might insist it stays on, but absolutely not watching it. I've tried different shows and none of them could appeal to him. It's not that I want him watch tv (I deliberately don't propose turning it on. Just occasionally, it would be handy if he could watch for half an hour or so while I do the chore.)

He also seems either not know how to play his toys or not interested. He used to be magnetic-tile crazy for 2 weeks when I first got a set. But then he was mostly building only a candle using the same pieces and wouldn't let go. He was happy to see me or his older brother build other things. But he didn't want to try by himself. Only once, he was alone in the lounge when I was in the kitchen. When I returned, he built this beautiful set of houses lining up. But that was only one off. Never happened again.

I thought might be not enough tiles to build bigger things. So I gave him another set as his birthday present when he turned 3. He has since only took them out, but only leaving them around without actually doing much apart from building a box.

I asked the teachers what he likes in the nursery. They didn't manage to indicate any particular interests. Only cars - which he likes but no way as "favourite or big fan"- and sand/water play - again I got a sand box just lately and he only played twice (really happy the first time) and never asking to play it again.

He's developmental normal. It's not that I'm concerned or something. Just it puzzles me profoundly - how to understand him and how to support him by the right kind of play. He likes to run with his big brother and play whatever he plays as long he's involved. But he always claims he's bored if he's alone.

Can someone help me understand him? I would love to know if anyone has a similar child and how they develop over years... Many thanks.

Do you play with him?
Does he like play doh or drawing with crayons?
If you go for a walk does he engage with his surroundings? I think it is key to play with them when they are small.

It's because you're much more interesting than toys!! Will he play with them if you're there chatting to him? My kids have always been like this, but see it as a compliment to your parenting or interesting personality!

Are you engaging in this play with him ?? or are you just wanting him to amuse himself with his toys. Our DS didn't like to play on his own, he still doesn't, but can manage 20 mins or so now with his figures.

He also wasn't bothered with the TV at that age, he still doesn't really have TV really the week, just of a weekend. He's 4.5 years old.

You don’t mention books. Do you read to him? Nothing wrong with him showing no interest in tv.

My children are older now but never watched tv when they were toddlers, why is that a concern? It has had absolutely no effect on their lives and now they watch what I assume is a normal amount
One of then didn't really play with toys either and again that hasn't had any bearing as far as I can see

I didn't know anything about young children when I had mine so was unaware that either of these things was an issue and I'm sure many other things that people worry about, luckily they've survived my lack of knowlege 😀

It doesn’t sound abnormal, he likes to play just not with his toys, do you play with him? Building the same thing over and over is fairly normal for his age, and not all kids like tv! Does he enjoy books?

DD was never a player of toys no matter how many I bought her. What she loved (and still loves at 12) was paper. Paper, pens and envelopes and sticker for stamps. She had a desk in the living room and would stay there for hours.

We would have a CD on with audio books or nersery rhymes or classical music but more often than not she liked it quite. She is still the same now, doesn't see the point in background noise or doing two things at once.

DD also loved to be read to, we built an hour of reading into our day where we would each read our own books for 15 minutes and then we would have a tea/ warm milk and a couple of biscuits whilst I read to her. We continued this as she learnt to read as it would be her turn to read whilst I drank my tea.

Look into early years play schemas, most children have a preference for one type of play so you can build play sessions around that.

Dear God the spelling mistakes, nursery, quiet

I'm a specialist in primary school children with special needs and your description concerns me. It might be worth exploring further as the nursery staff might not know what to look for.

@Return2thebasic You say a lot about what he doesn't do, but what does he do all day when he is with you? Run around by himself? Sit and watch others? Follow you around? Try to get involved in what you are doing?

Magnetic tiles don't sound that interesting for a 3 year old. What other toys does he have? Does he like playing role play/pretend games like shops or playing with a tea set to serve you drinks? Mine are much older, but loved Brio trains and playmobile at that age.

At 3 DD wasn't really interested in toys. She'd play with something new for a little while but then forget it. She much preferred doing stuff with me, so she'd follow me around and loved 'helping' with the cleaning. I'd give her a cloth and set her to wiping kitchen cupboard doors or organising stuff in a box.

She also liked more physical/tactile stuff like moving water from one pot to another, digging little toys out of a box of sand, making stuff with playdough. I'd put her in the bath mid afternoon with loads of bubbles and some plastic cups and she'd be happy for ages.

This was what I thought.

Does he play alone at nursery? Can he play alone or does he just prefer not to?

What's his fine motor like? Does he draw or colour?

When he runs with his brother is he happy? Do you have an outdoor space? If so what about investing in scooters and outdoor toys and decent outdoor gear so he can enjoy it whatever the weather?

Children need to learn to play alone and entertain themselves. But that doesn't mean they need to have some really engaging game with toys - it just means they don't need adult guidance all the time. So if he's entertaining himself I wouldn't worry how.

And if he's not yet able to engage then I'd start an activity with him and then "go to the toilet" and leave him for a few minutes and return and play. Then extend those jobs to toilet/ coffee. Putting washing on etc.

My son is neurodiverse and has similar traits - in that when things are new/a novelty he enjoys them but quickly loses interest - I’m not saying your son needs a diagnosis of course, I just think diversity in children (and of course) adults does exist and if he’s settled, happy, developmentally typical I wouldn’t worry at all. And relish the lack of tv time, what I’d give to not be asked for 528 different shows a day! 😂

3 is too young to play independently with many toys. He'd rather hang out with you.

Mine didn't get the point of TV at all before age 4 and no need to push it.

Read books together. Do daily life activities together. And he will play when he is ready.

By contrast my son is NT but has never really been interested in TV and he preferred puzzles and books even when tiny.

How many toys do you have out? My eldest at that age had a crazy amount of toys (thank you DM) and it wasn't until I got rid of about 90% he would play with the one that were left. Definitely overwhelmed with too many...although he was and still is screen obsessed.

Stacking cups: build, fill, water, sand, bash together, roll around. Endless various fun

My son is/was a bit like this. He is more interested in social/roleplay games but doesn't like to play alone.
A few things try..

Shookeeper game with a till and groceries
Making lunch in a play kitchen
Doctors
Tea party
Going on a journey somewhere in a little ride on or in the real car when its on the drive.

Imagination and interaction are his things, maybe your son could be similar?

Otherwise my son really loves to help me do what I'm doing. Cooking, cleaning, laundry. At least until he gets bored and wanders off to do something else.

Agree with a PP. We need to know far more about what he does do. My DS is a bit younger than yours but has no interest in ‘playing with toys’ whatsoever. But he’ll potter round the garden or the car park outside our estate for ages, he’ll roam the house destroying it exploring it, he’ll help me with chores and he loves being read to…not being interested in toys isn’t necessarily concerning I don’t think as long as he is interested in other things?

First of all, I'm not "concerned" about all these mentioned. Just puzzled, as I thought that's what "a typical child" would like. I just post it here to try to see if anyone could help me understand his mind better...

He lose interest in bath too. Before I started switching to shower him, he has already felt bored in the bath, even with quite some bath toys around. Given DS1 at his age (even now),
unless you set a time, he'd never had enough of the water play - with or without bath toys.

He's a bit interested in books. We have bedtime story every night. But in the daytime, I do have to propose reading stories to him. He used to insist in reading one series tirelessly again and again. But he got slightly better lately, even though he could still decide he doesn't like some books just judging by the cover. And he never asked me to read to him voluntarily.

I do play with him, even though not all the time. Like I set up a marble run and he'd roll the marble; or I try to play train tracks or card games with him. But I do agree children need to learn entertaining themselves sometimes. So every day there are some occasions when I explain to him that I have to cook or do gardening or tidy up or this and that so he has to play alone. He didn't like it to begin with, but is getting better to keep himself occupied.

My older one wasn't neuro-typical but he was on the other side of this balance - pretty much non-present and not very engageable , but grew out of it eventually and became a very pleasant child (in my eyes at least).

So in terms of "typical", I don't quite get what shall I expect. DS2 just don't feel interested in lots of typical kids things - but different from DS1, as he's obviously present and very engaging with family members (if not more than his age group)

Again, I just want to see if there's a way I could understand his mind/thinking approach better - not that I'm concerned of his development.

Is your other child old enough that they don’t really play together? Lots of only children this age wouldn’t be independent players. Mine would generally only if I was clearly busy but if I was available, she’d defer to me. Having said that, my eldest does have ASD and really struggled to play independently. She would be great at setting stuff up, then leave it. Or the ideas she had were just so prescriptive that I ended up getting screamed at for doing it wrong!

He does like most of these things you say! Maybe just me as following textbook thinking this kind of behaviour is a bit purposeless! Being misled by all those fancy blogs of how children play!

However, he used to watch and wanted to get involved more in what I do, but a lot less now. Even when he's around me, he just carries his toys over to near me then half-hearted looking at me or running back and forth between the kitchen and the lounge. I found it really strange!

Does he run back and forth a lot?

I was told he's still at the stage playing side by side with other children but not exactly like playing together and I was told it's normal for his age! So I understand he does play alone or alongside other children in the nursery, but not quite together even though he wants to play with DS1 all the time - just jumping, running in the garden, pretended challenging each other for a race or for a war - all physical plays.

"And if he's not yet able to engage then I'd start an activity with him and then "go to the toilet" and leave him for a few minutes and return and play. Then extend those jobs to toilet/ coffee. Putting washing on etc." - I just started doing this lately and it seems to have worked. He gradually came out of the idea that someone has to play with him and was able to find things to keep himself occupied - even just random things not as structured as I wished. Maybe he's just too young or my expectation is misplaced?

It's not that I have concerns. Just an attempt to understand him better.