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Original poster

son sitting GCSEs appears to be getting racist abuse. What to do?

67 replies

concernedreracistelement · 26/05/2022 14:01

Hi mumsnet, i'm a long term user who has name-changed.
My husband is not white British and my sons are aware of their heritage.
DS2 is currently sitting his GCSEs (and doing well too).
Today a package arrived addressed to him. His first name had been changed to his father's ethnicity (so think "Blackary" instead of "Jackary" - it's obvious who it's meant for but also obvious in the reference). His second name had been changed to something silly that he's probably been called loads of time over the years - think "Yorkie" if your name was "York" or "Carrot" if your name was "Carrant".

There was an incident a couple of years back where a couple of boys in his year set up an impersonation account for DS2 at a party he was at and posted parody posts. One was a friend, one a frenemy. We involved both parents and they apologised. The incident was very stressful for DS2. In the short term our reaction (particularly his brother's) was the most stressful but in the longer term I hope he was glad we responded.

The package contained something harmless but nonsensical so that's probably an in joke shared by the wrongdoers and intended to be understood by dS2. The wrongdoers must have requested a sample from the company which is not local.

My husband and I are concerned that this might be the tip of the iceberg/that there is online bullying going on. He's quiet, studious and easily led and can't always see who's got his interests at heart and who hasn't. He's happy with his own company but has a good active social life and there are no signs of depression,etc.

We are not sure what to do. We've agreed not to jump the gun and I'm here gathering information and ideas.

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedreracistelement · 26/05/2022 14:09

should add that I now realise that the product is artificial grass.

so probably significant?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 26/05/2022 14:12

I dont know the implication of artificial grass. Is it an in joke or something?

minipie · 26/05/2022 14:13

Have you spoken to DS about it? What does he say?

Or have you opened a package addressed to him when he’s not there?

This could be anything from bullying to an in joke between friends. Only your son will know.

MN does love to speculate though so …

Johnnysgirl · 26/05/2022 14:13

How significant is artificial grass?

Original poster
concernedreracistelement · 26/05/2022 14:14

we think grass as in grassing someone up.

yes we've intercepted the package. he's not an adult.

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedreracistelement · 26/05/2022 14:15

I'm glad that mumsnetters also didn't immediately "get" the grass thing!!!

I'm very naive about these things.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 26/05/2022 14:15

Is it an allusion to him having grassed someone up? You need him to explain what's happening, rather than having a guessing game on the Internet.

Johnnysgirl · 26/05/2022 14:16

Oh, x post. How is this racial abuse? You've no idea what he involved in.

Original poster
concernedreracistelement · 26/05/2022 14:17

The trouble is that he's right in the middle of GCSEs, calm and focussed. We know from the previous incident that that will change if we tell him this particularly because of the race element (which is a big deal in DH's family for good reason).

OP posts:
TrifleFunny · 26/05/2022 14:17

I think I'd hand over to the school to investigate. This is awful. If they don't help, I'd remind them that OFSTED don't regard racism very highly. Flowers

TrifleFunny · 26/05/2022 14:18

Johnnysgirl · 26/05/2022 14:16

Oh, x post. How is this racial abuse? You've no idea what he involved in.

Seriously? Read the OP.

JemimaPuddlegoose · 26/05/2022 14:18

"How is this racial abuse?"

You don't think calling a black person named Jackory "Blackory" is racist?

Original poster
concernedreracistelement · 26/05/2022 14:19

Hmm, I guess it's like writing "Jew lia" to someone called Julia or putting an extra G in Nigel. So a very obvious deliberate reference. Not accidental.

OP posts:
nearlyspringyay · 26/05/2022 14:20

has he 'grassed' someone up. I wouldn't be jumping to racism, but bullying.

Original poster
concernedreracistelement · 26/05/2022 14:20

i should probably be posting this in the black mumsnetters subforum as there will be hard won wisdom there :(.

the intent may not be full-on EDF (I'm sure it isn't) but it's not good. DH is pretty shocked.

OP posts:
alphons · 26/05/2022 14:20

You need to talk to him.

The timing isn’t great though. When is his last exam?

Perhaps for now you can ask him how things are, if there’s anything he’s worried about. You’ll need to tell him about the parcel, it could be worse for him
if he’s genuinely ignorant of its existence.

Until his exams are over, just gently probe without making a big deal of it. If he’s naive, easily led, let him continue that way for however many more weeks so his focus remains on his work - but so that you know there’s nothing truly terrible that demands immediate attention, exams be damned.

Once his exams are over, you need a more serious conversation. Ignorance and naivety going into A Levels and beyond could be a big problem.

Sorry you’re having to deal with this. When will it ever end…

Original poster
concernedreracistelement · 26/05/2022 14:21

yes, it seems to be saying "we know you grassed us up you [name race] fool".

I suspect he would know as the "carrot"/"yorkie" version of his surname is from primary school days I think.

Urgh. Is it worth upsetting him now in case there's something worse going on online?

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedreracistelement · 26/05/2022 14:22

Thanks Alphons that is helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedreracistelement · 26/05/2022 14:22

I wonder if the business would be able to look at its backend systems and identify the IP address?

OP posts:
minipie · 26/05/2022 14:25

Oh tricky. Yes I can see why you wouldn’t want him getting upset by it mid GCSEs.

I think perhaps you could tell the school but ask them not to do or say anything till GCSEs are over and you’ve been able to speak to him about it?

Could you tell/ask him about the parcel but without mentioning the race aspect (for now at least) if that’s the part that will upset him most?

RogueBorg · 26/05/2022 14:27

Sorry so many posters seem to be struggling with the idea this is racist 🙄. Clearly is.

I would definitely phone school and request a meeting. Is he going back for A levels? This needs sorting.

I have a quiet studious sort too - I worry about him so much.

minipie · 26/05/2022 14:29

concernedreracistelement · 26/05/2022 14:22

I wonder if the business would be able to look at its backend systems and identify the IP address?

not IP address but when you order samples they usually want an email address.

does it look like they ordered it to come directly from the company to your DS? or have they got it sent to themselves and then repackaged it and sent it? If the latter then more difficult l

TullyApplebottom · 26/05/2022 14:29

I think alphons speaks sense. As parent of a studious, somewhat naive boy of similar age I sympathise. He doesn’t necessarily grasp when « banter » tips over into something more nasty. Your heart aches for them.

MrsBrodie · 26/05/2022 14:35

It's definitely racism and probably bullying. You will probably get better insight from Black Mumsnetters board.

Lndnmummy · 26/05/2022 14:37

@concernedreracistelement , of course it is racist. Please come over to the black mumsnetters forum,
you will get advise and a hand hold there from others who have experienced the same. We will believe you and you wont get any whataboutery from any of us.