son sitting GCSEs appears to be getting racist abuse. What to do?

[concernedreracistelement]

Hi mumsnet, i'm a long term user who has name-changed.
My husband is not white British and my sons are aware of their heritage.
DS2 is currently sitting his GCSEs (and doing well too).
Today a package arrived addressed to him. His first name had been changed to his father's ethnicity (so think "Blackary" instead of "Jackary" - it's obvious who it's meant for but also obvious in the reference). His second name had been changed to something silly that he's probably been called loads of time over the years - think "Yorkie" if your name was "York" or "Carrot" if your name was "Carrant".

There was an incident a couple of years back where a couple of boys in his year set up an impersonation account for DS2 at a party he was at and posted parody posts. One was a friend, one a frenemy. We involved both parents and they apologised. The incident was very stressful for DS2. In the short term our reaction (particularly his brother's) was the most stressful but in the longer term I hope he was glad we responded.

The package contained something harmless but nonsensical so that's probably an in joke shared by the wrongdoers and intended to be understood by dS2. The wrongdoers must have requested a sample from the company which is not local.

My husband and I are concerned that this might be the tip of the iceberg/that there is online bullying going on. He's quiet, studious and easily led and can't always see who's got his interests at heart and who hasn't. He's happy with his own company but has a good active social life and there are no signs of depression,etc.

We are not sure what to do. We've agreed not to jump the gun and I'm here gathering information and ideas.

Definitely don't tell him during his GCSEs

He needs to get the best marks possible to study elsewhere and move on from these nasty types.

Clean cut racism obviously and I'd worry about the suggestion he is a grass or has "grassed". Could you approach the school to ask if they are aware of anything first (before asking your son who you understandably don't want to disturb during exams).

I'd be inclined to take it straight to the police but ask them to say nothing yet till after GCSEs or when you're ready to take it further. Ie make a statement only

The company won't give the IP address or anything else, it's a GDPR breach. Apologies I don't identify the racism in my first post.

Unless you do talk to him, you wont know what else is happening behind the scenes. He needs to be given the tools to spot these racists types as soon as he comes across them or is on the receiving end. So many mxed raced children are not given these tools and as a result are not prepared or equipped to deal with racism, bias and discrimination when they see it. The consequences of this can be far greater than some upset during exam times. You are his parent so will know best how he will cope, but in my experience my boys always feel better once they have talked things through with their dad and I. Regardles of timing/other events. It is likely, that he is experiencing racism (even as banter) already and that he is impacting him but he might not understand why he is feeling uncomfortable (because he hasn't been given the tools to recognise what is happening to him. He needs those tools.

Thank you.

Yes to this: "He doesn’t necessarily grasp when « banter » tips over into something more nasty."

Minipie it has come direct from the company. They probably won't give me the email address unless the police get involved though. I could order a sample and see if they ask me for an email couldn't I? That's a good point - they must have sent the acknowledgment to the email address.

Thank you for the tip re black mumsnetters forum.

no problem nearly spring. I'm white and probably miss racism all the time.

"I'd be inclined to take it straight to the police but ask them to say nothing yet till after GCSEs or when you're ready to take it further. Ie make a statement only"

What would be ideal would be to tell the police on the day of his last exam. Would the police take a dim view of that? or would they understand do you think?

You may need to discuss it with him now just in case he may be in physical danger from whoever sent it

Eviebeans. damn it you may be right.

this is such bad timing.

On a lighter note, the ads on the right hand side are now from Jewson!

So sorry OP. No wisdom here but sympathy.

The other thing is, it may have been intended for our son but it has been sent to our house and so my husband perhaps has a right to object too? On his own behalf?
Just not sure how to deal....

OP - so sorry this is happening to you and your son - the timing is so awful. Are you able to call the company concerned? They may be helpful, especially if you point out that they have addressed a parcel using racist terms to your home. That might be an indirect way of finding out who is involved before distressing your DH in the middle of his exams. So sorry this is happening.

• should have written DS not DH - sorry.

are any police officers around? Would the police have a problem with us calling the company?

Personally, I think the timing for this package seems to be very "on point" to throw your kid off balance (whether there's more to it than meets the eye or it's just free hate). Kids will be kids, if he sees this, whether he does or doesn't know who sent it, he'll lose valuable time debating on it an wondering why? how? etc etc. Keep it to yourself and when his exams are over talk to him. Even as adults we can't help but dwell on those who "don't like us", we shouldn't but we do and I think it's harder for kids. I wouldn't want my kid looking at his noteboos but actually thinking about what happened and whether they should worry on the way to school or whatever.

In the meantime and without letting your kid know, there's no harm in emailing the company to find out whether it was sent directly to you or maybe sent elsewhere, repackaged and then sent to you...

Re the email for the order: I'm sure an account will have been created and deleted for this.

this is great, thank you.
@Lndnmummy I think i will start another thread asking police officers whether the police would have any objection to me phoning and asking what email address was used. But thank you for your post I think you made everyone who was tempted to "whatabout" sit up.

Sorry to hear this OP. I'd be tempted to discuss with your DS over the weekend so that there's a clear week before he has to go back into school for more exams.

Do you ever monitor his phone? If so, I'd have a careful look through social media accounts and see if there is anything there that causes alarm.

Otherwise, I think the softly softly approach until GCSEs are over, in the absence of anything else, isthe way I'd go.

No advice but just to say that’s horrible and I despair at some of the stories on here.

It’s racist, threatening, and they have your home address so I would hope the police DO get involved. Hopefully your DS can revise at home and just go in for exams whilst this is investigated as it would be even worse for this to derail his focus.

Even if they created a new email, I doubt they had the brains to use a VPN to do it.

Ugh horrible. From what you've said about the surname nickname it sounds like you think it is probably related to people from school, so I would contact his school, not least to let them know it's possible your DS is at risk of this escalating further into a physical attack. School may also have advice for you on what to do, how to minimise the impact on your DS during exam time and be able to keep an eye out for anything untoward. They will also have links with the local police so might be able to give more insight on how to approach it if you do go to the police.