How does my DD (11) help her friend who cries regularly and won't talk about it

[Goldenbear]

Dd has a friend who she likes but she frequently gets upset about seemingly nothing in particular. She will suddenly start crying, drop her head and refuses to communicate with anyone. This girl is very quiet and almost whispers most form of communication but does have a laugh and joke with her friends. Dd just has no idea how to help when she is in one of these moments, does anyone have any advice or experience with this kind of situation, perhaps phrases or things that DD can do to help?

Honestly she is 11. She shouldn't be mDe responsible fir this friend. Believe me if she takes it on staff who should be dealing with it will step back more than they should if they think there's someone else to take the hit.

If she has safeguarding concerns best bet is to tell a trusted teacher/form tutor and let them deal with it. She should really just be being a friend. Not a carer.

I realise this sounds harsh but she's still learning the world herself at 11. It shouldn't be made harder than it is already

She's not responsible for this. If she's at school she could fetch a teacher but aside from that, don't encourage her to become an emotional crutch.

She is too young to be dealing with this.
At most she should be just being there until her friend feels better. It sounds like this child may have some MH issues and if there is real concern about her an adult needs to be involved

Your DD is not responsible for this girl. Tell the school and tell your daughter it's being dealt with.

The girl could have any number of issues which your daughter is not qualified to help with, or she could be a manipulative little madam who will cause your DD problems going forward.

You need to tell her to involve a teacher every time this happens. She shouldn't be trying to deal with it herself, for both their sakes.

No you are right it is not my daughter's responsibility but it is more in the moment when these things happen, for example, she has walked to school with her, the friend has had a moment and my Dd is left stranded, out of her depth and doesn't know how what to say. Would you say this is not typical of an 11 year old?

Could you email the form tutor and say your dd says she cries a lot but won't say what's wrong and your dd doesn't know how to help her

It's not typical of a well adjusted 11 year old, no. Would you feel comfortable having a word with her Mum, if you know her? There's clearly something going on with this kid.

Or the form tutor, as pp suggested.

I can see that so far the advice is overwhelming about not getting involved, it seems I haven't thought of it in a burden way, I don't expect DD to counsel her, but I can see cajoling etc. Never works.

This would also be a good time to discuss healthy relationships/friendships and bounderies. Help her to try ajd recognise emotional manipulation/black mail. Unhealthy levels of dependancy and misery loves company etc

Its ok to not want to get sucked in to someone else's drama.

definitely needs to be run past teacher or school MH person.

I know the parents really well, they are well aware but seem to be putting their heads in the sand about it all! They have just come back from a school trip staying away and DD said she was crying and even screaming (which is new) and wanted to go home. I don't think being homesick is unusual but I didn't know whether to let the Mum know.

School should have done that?

Don't get involved. Contact school and tell them. Also tell them it is affecting your child, who is your responsibility. Please don't teach your child she has to support this other child through thick and thin. They are 11, this is too much.

I agree. The school needs to know.

I just think of those court cases where victims say they wished they told somebody but just couldn't.

I'd bounce it back to the school and be prepared to raise it if it's apparent that she school expect her to act as emotional support. I think this sometimes happens as schools struggle to manage this and see peer support as an easier solution.

I'd also second the advice about teaching your DD about healthy friendships and being taken advantage of.

I would tell them. I'm usually the one against 'armchair' diagnosis (quite vocally too) and I don't like to suggest something based on such subtle signs but it is possible this girl may be autistic? Shutting down/crying is often overlooked in autistic girls as it's not the same 'meltdown' more commonly seen in boys (please don't have a go I know girls have similar meltdowns) but autism is very often overlooked in the 'quiet' girls and it's commonly not picked up until high school age. The distress at being away/out of routine? And the random crying (this would be when my own DD would start to flap) when things are getting difficult.

Please don't anyone be offended by my post, I am autistic so not the most articulate and I have 2 very different presenting autistic DDs, I wouldn't normally suggest it but it resonated with me because crying was my only outlet for many years and it was because I just could t cope with what I was doing or the worry of what I was about to do

Yes, you would hope school would have done that but I'm unsure if the teacher does act. There was an incident last week where the Mum told me due to an episode she wouldn't be able to walk with DD that morning so I dropped her at school and when we arrived the class teacher was desperate for my DD to cajole her, take over looking after her, he was in the playground with the friend crying and said, 'oh look, here comes DD,' he is a teacher in his 40s head of the year but seems out of his depth or thinks the girl is just crying again. Perhaps there is work going on behind the scenes and the Mum hasn't told me. She acknowledges a problem but won't elaborate on what she thinks is going on. The friend recently had her party and the girl cried when the restaurant staff sang Happy birthday to her bringing out the cake. The Mum said she became overwhelmed but she also blamed one of the girls who was invited for chatting too much and dominating her party. My Dd said that this other girl in their friendship group is chatty but she is naturally upbeat and I really don't think it is her fault. There was another party of the chatty girls and it was quite loud, karaoke, disco and the friend got upset and cried about the noise.

If she is crying and can't communicate, your DD should give her some space, and perhaps tell a teacher.

If it is on the way to school she should stay with her friend but give her space and not overload her with questions/communication.

If it happens often on the way to school I would question if this child is mature enough to make her own way to school.

The child sounds overwhelmed. This is what my autistic DD was like when she was in mainstream. I'm not trying to suggest your DD's friend is autistic, but whatever is going on for her she needs support and understanding from the adults around her, not called manipulative or a "little madam" 😡

I think you should message the school and ask to speak with whoever's responsible for wellbeing to discuss support for your DD.

She doesn't need it herself at the mo, but too much expectation is being put on her and she is being impacted by someone else's difficulties. She isn't old enough to be equipped to support her friend and it's unfair of staff to expect her to be her friends crutch.

There should be a wellbeing lead at the school and this could be a good opportunity for some whole year learning/discussion/assembly.

LadyEloise1, I don't think it is sinister but good point about boundaries and actually it is not for my DD to sort, certainly not.

In all honesty, toastedbagiel it did cross my mind and my friend who has a child on the autism spectrum did say certain behaviours resonated with this idea. I think the parents get frustrated with her but actually they need to wake up and perhaps seek help. The Mum im friends with but she is very definite about some things and to me gets overwhelmed herself with not the most taxing tasks. The parents are both quite negative outlook wise but don't seem to see the connection.

This is a shame but it's clear that neither you nor DD have the full picture. Literally anything could be going on - undiagnosed condition / MH problems / puberty/ problems at home (well hidden potentially from the outside world).

Speak to the school about YOUR DD and your concerns for her well-being given this situation. I'm not sure what else you can do, except encourage your DD to continue to be kind but not to take it all on her shoulders & encourage her to aim for a broad friendship group.

She doesn’t. She’s, 11, how can she, possibly?
talk to the girl’s parents.

I agree. You can't and don't have the full picture, so please stop trying to diagnose someone else's child. Keep speaking to school about your own child, she is your one and only responsibility. When my son was in a similar situation, I spoke to his teacher and said that I fully support their friendship, but I feel like my son is taking on too much emotional support for his friend. School listened and took action, and now they are still friends years later and my son (I hope) knows when they can just hang out and when his friend needs some space.