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Friend who always wants a place to stay in London

55 replies

JanisMoplin · 24/05/2022 19:40

Deliberately putting this in Chat because I am hoping for not excessively dramatic replies:) Long term friend, we went to uni together and have remained friends through thick and a lot of thin. I live in London in a very small flat with DH, DS and DD ( who is at uni most of the time). Friend lives in another country but has recently begun travelling through London often for work, like every few months. She obviously did not visit in the pandemic.

The last year has been quite tough for us with various family problems. DS is currently doing his A level exams. Dh and I both working from home with stressful jobs. I told my friend quite frankly when the pandemic eased that it would be very inconvenient for both her and me to stay with us. For instance, we are all early risers and she likes to sleep till noon. She is allergic or dislikes the smell of certain foods that we eat or cook. DH's loud Zoom calls are often audible through the walls. She agreed and all was well. She stayed in a hotel last few times. I took her out for several nice meals.

But lately she has begun hinting that London hotel rates are very high. She is visiting again this week. I feel pressured to offer her an ( uncomfortable bed) but DS has his exams going on. I don't even have a proper spare room. Am I being mean?. Generally, I never stay with friends any more because I think post pandemic, everyone wfh and I will get in their way. I fork out for an AirBnB.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 24/05/2022 19:42

don’t cave in! And don’t buy her meals!

not ‘mean’ to prioritise your DS, DH and self.

jay55 · 24/05/2022 19:48

If she's travelling for work, surely hotels are on expenses.

But stick to your guns either way.

Nightmanagerfan · 24/05/2022 19:48

Absolutely not. Don’t feel obliged in any way. The exams are enough of a reason without all the rest of the issues, but you don’t need an excuse!

Jenjenn · 24/05/2022 19:50

As pp, if she's travelling for work, she can surely expense it.

Giveitall · 24/05/2022 19:51

Practice saying “No, sorry, too much going on” out loud in front of a mirror.
Get used to the sound of your own voice saying it,
Makes life easier. Don’t jeopardise you’re family’s equilibrium esp at this challenging exam time.

Parryon · 24/05/2022 19:57

If I invited someone to stay in the middle of dd’s exams I just can’t imagine what she’d say. It’s just not doable unless you have loads of space

Honeyroar · 24/05/2022 19:58

This is a really important time for DS. Do not disturb him for her. You just don’t have room. You aren’t being horrible and not giving her your spare room, you genuinely don’t have room. Tell her if you had a bigger flat you’d have her stay with pleasure, but there’s just not room as you are. You’re not lying!

MadMadMadamMim · 24/05/2022 19:58

Don't offer her a bed, for goodness sake. DS is in the middle of A levels - the last thing he needs is visitors!

Agree with others that if she's coming to London on business then presumably she's not coughing up for 'expensive' London hotels out of her own pocket. Frankly I can't imagine why she wants to stay with you. I mean this in a nice way - you sound lovely, but who wouldn't prefer a hotel and peace and quiet over staying in a small flat with other people!

Rainbowqueeen · 24/05/2022 19:59

Isn’t her work paying for the hotel?? Maybe she just gets a daily allowance and would rather pocket the cash than use it on a hotel

Having other priorities than her is not being mean. She is potentially using you Just tell her it doesn’t work for you but you look forward to catching up for a meal.

Cavviesarethebest · 24/05/2022 20:04

Can she not expense it? If I was being cynical I would wonder if she’s pocketing the expense payment and wanting free accommodation …. But you will know if she’s that kind of person.

even if she’s the most wonderful person in the world you have no obligation to have her stay - it’s not like she’s a refugee or fleeing domestic abuse. She’s choosing to travel to London. If her work doesn’t pay enough that’s for her to manage!

crumpet · 24/05/2022 20:05

Not during exams!

JanisMoplin · 24/05/2022 20:13

You are all right. Confirms what I was thinking.

I am a bit confused about her expenses. She works for a think tank- v well known one- and travels for conferences. I wonder if they have a small budget for hotels. However, I think there are still plenty of cheap Air BnB's where she would actually be more comfortable.

She is a very generous person , but is child free, so sometimes I think she doesn't really get how houses with DC work. We all are up and talking by 7 am because DS is usually off to school. I don't mind treating her to meals at all. I should not have mentioned that; sounds like I grudge it.

The post pandemic world is odd. In the past she has stayed with me ( not in London when I had a bigger house) and I have stayed with her. But now I feel like it just does not work any more.

OP posts:
OuiWeeOui · 24/05/2022 20:15

Just say it's best if she sticks to the previous arrangement of staying in a hotel. Make sympathic noises when she moans about the cost, maybe ask her why she doesn't get expenses to cover it, then change the subject
She knows precisely what she's doing

StrangeCondition · 24/05/2022 20:16

Why are you treating her to meals though, shouldn't it be the other way round?

Cavviesarethebest · 24/05/2022 20:17

If she’s travelling for work there is no way they wouldn’t pay for a hotel - even if it’s not a plush one.

fluffiphlox · 24/05/2022 20:18

Point her in the direction of Z hotels. Absolutely fine for a couple of nights on business. She’s very cheeky.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 24/05/2022 20:21

If she's travelling for work, she should get allowance/expences for stay? Sounds like she is trying to save money by staying with you ?

JanisMoplin · 24/05/2022 20:24

StrangeCondition · 24/05/2022 20:16

Why are you treating her to meals though, shouldn't it be the other way round?

Ummm... I don't know.... I generally think a host treats a visitor? She treats me when I visit her. If it is relevant , we are both S Asian and the hospitality requirements in our culture are rather excessive, I guess. But I am now 50 and drawing boundaries. I stay with close family if they have room ( most do) but no one else.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 24/05/2022 20:28

Why in earth are you feeling guilty enough to treat her to meals out? You're not her host, she's travelling for work!

StrangeCondition · 24/05/2022 20:29

JanisMoplin · 24/05/2022 20:24

Ummm... I don't know.... I generally think a host treats a visitor? She treats me when I visit her. If it is relevant , we are both S Asian and the hospitality requirements in our culture are rather excessive, I guess. But I am now 50 and drawing boundaries. I stay with close family if they have room ( most do) but no one else.

It should be the guest treating the host as a thanks for letting them stay, but I appreciate different cultures do things differently. Don't let her take the piss, just tell her you don't have the room and DC has exams

Astralis · 24/05/2022 20:30

If she's tamely for work then presumably she can claim for her meals, at least up to a certain value.

I think you would benefit from changing your mindset about these trips- perhaps you're treating these trips as though she was travelling to see you ("you paid for flights, I'll provide accommodation and meals"). But her job paid for the flights, as it would for the accommodation and meals.

Astralis · 24/05/2022 20:30

Tamely? That should be travelling

whatstheteamarie · 24/05/2022 20:32

Your DS has exams!

His calm home environment needs to be preserved during this time or it's really unfair on him. Please don't put your friend's unwillingness to pay for a hotel above your child's education and results, that's just absurd.

JanisMoplin · 24/05/2022 20:32

Yes @Astralis Astralis you are absolutely right. Z hotels it is!

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 24/05/2022 20:33

JanisMoplin · 24/05/2022 20:24

Ummm... I don't know.... I generally think a host treats a visitor? She treats me when I visit her. If it is relevant , we are both S Asian and the hospitality requirements in our culture are rather excessive, I guess. But I am now 50 and drawing boundaries. I stay with close family if they have room ( most do) but no one else.

This isn’t the time to be hosting a guest in any way though. I have dc about to sit A levels too and no way are we having any visitors of any kind until the exams are over. Not even for a meal. It’s probably the most stressful time of their lives.