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Original poster

I have a meeting with DS school in two hours. Please help!

67 replies

TrippinByTheSea · 23/05/2022 13:24

I have a meeting with my DS school in two hours and I’m at a loss as to what support to ask for.

DS is 11 with ASD and severe anxiety but academically very bright; he has avoided school for most of year 7 but he has attended weekly with multiple days off until a month ago when he became so upset , he has not returned. He has been unable to attend school full time since year 6 due to his crippling anxiety.

DS has an EHCP but even followed to the letter , DS can not attend.

Various interventions by different sources have not worked as DS just can not cope in school. There are no spaces in any of the special schools in or out of county (to get him in to one would be a minimum 6-12 month wait for tribunal). They are also unsuitable due to other factors.

DH and I work full time so we are unable to HE (we can’t afford to leave our jobs); it’s also likely DS would become depressed due to lack of friendships as he is too anxious to mix in extra curricular.

School have suggested a reduced timetable for a few weeks with the aim of him going in full time, but we’ve already tried this for almost a year and it does not work.

DS is stressed and miserable as he wants to be like all of his peers but he can’t face going to school.

Any advice on what support to ask for?

OP posts:
Hyvsvaar · 23/05/2022 13:26

Late start earlier finish to avoid the busy parts of day?

Hyvsvaar · 23/05/2022 13:27

can he tolerate headphones and listen to something calming when anxious

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 23/05/2022 13:29

Tuition - lessons elsewhere for now to reduce anxiety around going on site.
What triggered the anxiety? Has he has counseling with someone experienced in working with autistic CYP?

Interested in this thread?

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11 year olds General education Primary education Secondary education
Sirzy · 23/05/2022 13:30

It sounds like no matter what an urgent review of his ehcp is needed.

have you looked at different mainstream schools to see if one can better meet his needs?

has he been able to articulate his issues with school enough to give a starting point to build on?

User3568975431146 · 23/05/2022 13:30

This is a problem of which school is a only symptom.

Ask them to bring in an educational psychologist if they haven't already, but it's the cause that needs to be treated which is his anxiety and whatever it is that's sparked the anxiety.

Everyone could stand on their heads with timetables and such, but until the actual problem is dealt with it's not actually going to help him.

Good luck, anxiety is crippling, I really feel for you all.

Original poster
TrippinByTheSea · 23/05/2022 13:32

Late starts and early finishes were tried but unsuccessful. I had thought about moving schools but it is the size, noise and hustle and bustle which appear to be the problem.

OP posts:
beechhues · 23/05/2022 13:33

So there is no school setting that will work or can be accessed - agree, online tutor provision, and you need urgent help with mental health help to reduce anxiety, to begin to work out what school setting is best.

Trying to sort a school setting without a better understanding of anxiety triggers and management and then eventually what school setting would work is the wrong way around?

Much sympathy here, that sounds like a long road of trouble

LillyDeValley · 23/05/2022 13:33

I presume you or your DH are working from home at the moment? Could you register him with an online secondary school? Could he video in for lessons. If you say he can’t face going to school I am struggling to see what they could recommend that would work.

The problem for the school is there is a limit to what they can do without additional funding (so for example 1:1 in a separate room).

You could ask about the LA provision for tutoring at home (some areas provide this as an interim measure in the absence of a school place).

You need an urgent review of his EHCP (and I would request this in the interim) with the view to ultimately alternative school provision.

beechhues · 23/05/2022 13:34

if you know size, noise etc are key factors - doesn't that tell you need the smallest provision possible ultimately? I'd say that is useful.

I've two ASD dc with anxiety, class size, noise those are definitely huge triggers for them amongst other things.

Sirzy · 23/05/2022 13:35

do they have a learning support unit or similar he could access? Ds school has a LS that is always staffed some pupils like Ds have open access to go to it whenever needed, others have times when all their work is done in there so they don’t need to be in the busy environment of the rest of the school.

Original poster
TrippinByTheSea · 23/05/2022 13:36

I agree alternative provision is almost certainly needed but I’m very concerned about social isolation; he struggles to leave the house and is very unlikely to participate in HE groups.

DH and I both work outside of the home.

OP posts:
Bluepolkadots42 · 23/05/2022 13:37

Sorry to hear you and your DS are having such a difficult time.

Things I would suggest:

  • late start, early finish of school day
  • late start early finish to lessons so he can avoid busy corridors
  • ear defenders/headphones for when noise is too overwhelming
  • quiet space provided at break and lunch that he and a few friends can access together
  • time out card for lessons so he can go to a certain staff member or take time in corridor or another agreed space for a breather
  • staff told not to use questioning techniques like no hands up/cold calling to avoid him being put on spot in lessons
  • DS to identify best seat for him in all his teaching rooms, and staff adjust seating plans accordingly
  • DS to identify a buddy in every lesson that he would comfortable sitting with and staff implement

Are there any specific things about school he finds too much? Will try and come up with suggestions for anything else not covered above

MercurialMonday · 23/05/2022 13:38

Is there a quiet place he can go break lunch times?

DC secondary has this - my children had friends frequently made use of it.

Original poster
TrippinByTheSea · 23/05/2022 13:40

There is an “extra support” unit but DS is only allowed to access this for lunchtimes or break times . Learning in this area is only for children with additional learning needs.

A huge barrier is DS does not like to be perceived as different from his peers so is resistant to a lot of the the support on offer.

It’s an extremely difficult situation currently.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrippinByTheSea · 23/05/2022 13:42

Also, DS has speech difficulties so lacks confidence in communication. He will not ask for help or find a teacher when he is worried , he suffers in silence.

OP posts:
Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 23/05/2022 13:47

Sirzy · 23/05/2022 13:30

It sounds like no matter what an urgent review of his ehcp is needed.

have you looked at different mainstream schools to see if one can better meet his needs?

has he been able to articulate his issues with school enough to give a starting point to build on?

I agree you need to call an urgent review of his ehcp. You are entitled to do this. There you need to ask if the school can meet his current needs.

Penguintears · 23/05/2022 13:49

What help is he getting for his anxiety?

Notagain76 · 23/05/2022 14:15

So the school are trying to put things in place but so far they haven't worked. Does he have a anxiety disorder diagnosed through camhs? If he does go back to them as they do offer support if not maybe get him on the list to get a assessment.
What does your lad want, and what do you want/think is best. Could you or his dad take a few months leave to try to help deal with this issue as it's not going away.
I believe a smaller specialist school might be able to offer more support than a main secondary. Good luck

JustOneMoreNameChange · 23/05/2022 14:20

Even though your DS is bright, he still has learning needs. After years of negotiations with my DS' school, he gets 1:1 for some lessons even though he's academically capable and can attend some lessons

E.g. 1:1 Maths and English in the ASD unit but normal lessons for science and DT. In class support for everything else.

It's really paying off.

He also has a 1:1 twice a week after school to recap the week and make sure he's not got any learning gaps.

DS also gets met by the welfare officer at the gate and taken for some quite time to start the day, so he can adjust to the transition from home to school. He's getting to the stage where he doesn't even need this any more, but having the back up really helps.

Try asking for everything you can think of

CoastalWave · 23/05/2022 14:24

The school is at fault here. Just remember that. They are not providing for him. What are THEY going to do about it!

If they can't, you need to move schools. I have recently just done this and I have a changed child.

Tippexy · 23/05/2022 14:26

There is an “extra support” unit but DS is only allowed to access this for lunchtimes or break times . Learning in this area is only for children with additional learning needs.

Are the school saying this with a straight face? How many additional learning needs do they want him to have?! They should let him access this unit throughout the whole school day if it helps him.

Original poster
TrippinByTheSea · 23/05/2022 14:34

DS is currently being assessed by CAMHS but they have suggested that the services they usually offer are unlikely to be suitable for DS.

DS is very reluctant to accept any help as he feels he stands out from his peers and he just wants to be like them; it’s making getting him the right support very tricky. His anxiety controls every aspect of his life.

DS knows the environment is not right for him but he has made some friends and they are the only reason he sporadically attends.

OP posts:
Elsiebear90 · 23/05/2022 14:40

What treatment is he getting for his anxiety? As someone with anxiety (which has times has been extremely severe) the best thing you can do is try to control it and push through it, the more you avoid things and let it control you the worse it gets.

motogirl · 23/05/2022 14:41

My dd was given an "office" at school, basically her favourite teachers store cupboard! She had a laptop there and could retreat there from lessons when overwhelmed. The office staff also were amazing with there letting her bring in a mug and chamomile tea bags to leave there, she could sit there if she wanted too. There was a "nurture" room too but she didn't use it because there were disruptive boys in there. Dd is autistic with severe generalised anxiety.

She attended very few lessons but i dropped her at school everyday and picked her up as needed (some weeks most days by midday but others she completed every day.

You need to work out what your son would benefit from, this worked for her because she was very bright and could teach herself from textbooks basically

Ilovechoc12 · 23/05/2022 14:43

Is it a big school? Do you like the school? sometimes the noise of too many children is too much for my boy…. Maybe he needs a smaller school?

Maybe 1 to 1 and he can do his work else where on school grounds without being in the classroom?

have they tried a buddy system to try and gain friendship with another child?

like to play football?

card to be able just to walk out of the classroom without the teachers asking where is he going

but It’s hard if he can’t go onto school site 🥲 is it worth pushing at this school? Or maybe a new school?

have you checked out pda podcasts - Eliza fricker missing the mark is brilliant - she talks about pda and schools

eotas? Sometimes school doesn’t work 🥲 look up Heidi on Facebook - family instincts … she’s the queen of EOTAS - so down to earth

can your boy write to you some things he finds hard?

💐💐💐 it’s not easy.