I was the recipient of unwanted advice from a random man today.

[Pollydonia]

..and actually remembered to say " thanks Random Man !" He just looked confused but another woman near by burst out laughing.
It was in the gym, I was doing my own thing , he tried to tell me to do it " his" way .
Seriously though, I'm 49 so I'm less likely to be intimidated by shit like this. I've also emailed the gym as a heads up .

This is why I stopped going to a gym. I felt self-conscious enough as it was but to have a random man come up so close to me and get in my space (that I could smell his sweat) and proceed to give unwanted advice/'help', made me feel so uncomfortable and exposed. And OP said that 'her' man had said that he'd been watching her. Why had he? He should be focussing on his own workout not busy-bodying and getting involved in what others are doing.

Can I just add that if it had been my male PT who had come to assist/correct what I was doing, then that would have been ok because it would have been appropriate to do so.

I joined a female only gym after my experience and I loved going but sadly it got closed down.

It is exactly what happened. She was not 'bothered'. A man talked to her in the gym about the workout she was doing. Apparently, a man cannot talk to a woman without borthering her.

It is totally normal in a gym to interact this way. I have trained as a runner since I was 5 years old and also in gyms since I was 16. I am 50 now. This is totally normal. Unless the man did something else, I think it is a crazy overreaction

The OP did not need the smugness or rudeness to tell him to stay away. There is nothing to report apart from: OMG!!! A man talked to me! Is there any circumsntance under which it would be OK for a man to talk to the OP in a gym?
What should be the conversation about?

Does she need to stare at him to 'consent' to be talk to? Or is that flirting? How does it work?

@ChuckBerrysBoots that video is spot on.
To all the handmaids/ apologists, I always say hello, good morning ect to be polite , I'm not afraid of men in general.
It took me a lot of courage to initially even go to the gym due to my physical problems. I look odd, my hips look, and are, lopsided. I walk with a limp, sometimes slight, sometimes very noticeable. I go to the gym to keep my current level of mobility.

I pay the same as any other member so go with the reasonable expectation of being left in peace to work out.
The gym has lost members, mostly female, due to the actions of men ( yes, in this case it was men ) during unmanned hours.
There is a policy to not approach anyone as they are actually doing sets or using equipment as it is actually dangerous to distract someone. They have CCTV so that they can review what happened and see if it's part of a pattern. If it is they will have a word .
To other gym users who have seen or experienced similar thank you for trying to explain that in this setting you can feel more vulnerable.

Wow... because I believe it is normal in a gym for men and women to interact this way you think I am a man @Chubarubrub?
It says it all really

I think it was the 'random man' in the title.

No man thinks he is random. They all think they know better than any woman in any given situation. MAYBE with the exception of work situations, sometimes.

well done OP. You were very polite in the circs.

She was bothered. Her workout was interrupted by a random man giving unsolicited advice, which had the potential to be dangerous, given he knew fuck all about her. Coming up to a stranger who is working out, leaning on the equipment they’re using and telling them what to do is bothering someone. So much so, that the gym in question have an active policy about it.

And there’s nothing to suggest the op acted like a ‘vulnerable frightened woman’. She wasn’t frightened, she was pissed off. And she let that be known. As she should have.

I suspect it was the patronising tone of post that caused suspicion! The readiness to belittle a woman's experience, to read into it something not said and to ignore what was actually said thus negating the woman entirely!

It's quite a 'masculine' trait!

It is totally normal in a gym context to receive and give advice if you see someone doing something wrong. Well I actually don't think that's true. No-one in my gym stands watching me. If I got trapped and yelled then someone would probably come and help, but generally everyone is focussing on THEIR OWN WORKOUT not on "helping" me.

But it is definitely not what was happening here. A woman was approached by a man, who had been watching her. to tell her that she should up her weights. Not correct her technique, not rescue her from under a too-heavy barbell, not to point out that a kettlebell was about to fall on her head. A man decided he knows better than a woman, and was within his rights to educate her. She was a lot more polite than I would have been.

Many people go to the Gym, or to dancing classes, or running clubs, or reading clubs, to do workouts/etc. but also to socialise in a safe environment. The gym isn't a class, or a club, or a group - it's a solo workout. You can't lump things together and say they're all the same. And it's a bit bloody unfair if I am only allowed to go for a solo workout in the gym if I agree to socialise with others there, why do they get to choose the terms of my visit?

I find suprising on this day and age that you cannot start a conversation with someone without behaving like a frigthened vulnerable woman without reporting a 'random man' talked to you.

I find it surprising that you gathered from a sarcastic one liner from OP that she was frightened of this man and reported him because of that. She was annoyed at the intrusion into her workout and space, and that the 'advice' he gave was potentially harmful to her - which she has every right to be, and has reported the man, as requested to do so by the gym in situations like this. There's more to the definition of bothering someone than being scared, being annoyed is a valid response to that situation, yep, even for a woman.

And hey, look on the bright side, at least she didn't further damage his fragile male ego by telling him he was wrong and explaining why he was wrong to give her the advice he did.

I have bought a hat with 'leave me alone' embroidered on it for my 25 year old daughter who is continually approached by men offering her 'advice'.

@SaintVal I'm sorry that you had to stop going to the gym, it's a damned shame.

This is exactly it @SaintVal

People stop going, not because they're terrified or being bullied but lets face it, its hard enough to push yourself to get to the gym in the first place.

Along with your mental balancing of "I'm tired /hungry/ the new Stranger Things is out..." you now have "that guy made me feel uncomfortable last time", which might be enough to tip the balance and leave you staying home in front of the tv.

Enough evenings like that and you decide it's not really worth carrying on your membership...

I hope you haven't abandoned fitness altogether, would group classes work for you? Something like bootcamp maybe?

Hahaha brilliant!

Good on ya. I am 50 and I'm that woman at the gym pool standing up for myself and telling men not to be dicks (in the nicest possible way) There's no staff member poolside and they don't know there is cctv so there is a lot of shitty low level male behaviour which makes it uncomfortable for younger women on their own especially. Your gym has a policy of no approaching other members and emailing for a reason. The apologists for the man on here are depressingly predictable.

You don't have to feel in danger for someone's behaviour to be inappropriate, unwanted, unnecessary and an invasion of their personal space.

She reported because his behaviour was those things and she has the right to work out without someone letting her know he's been watching her, invading her personal space, offering unwanted advice and touching the equipment she's using.

@camaleon are you quite alright? You do have the option to hide the thread if my reaction upsets you that much.

1. It isn’t normal to interrupt anyone at the gym and tell them what they ‘should’ be doing. Asking if someone needs help is different.
2. Random Man wouldn’t have said that to another man. Just as men also don’t seem to get this unsolicited advice.
3. Are you the ‘you seem a happy girl!’ poster? If so, then yes I did assume you’re a man for the reasons stated. Very strange for you (a woman) to assume someone isn’t a happy person just because they dared to be annoyed by a man’s dickhead behaviour.
4. Not sure what you mean by ‘says it all really?’ Says what all? Please enlighten me. If you’re implying I’m some man hater then you’re wrong. I hate dickheads and their dickhead behaviour. Simple. Lumping women standing up against it as ‘man haters’ is so minimising (by exaggerating them in this way you make them look ridiculous and then this minimise the issue.)
5. I’m probably talking to a brick wall as you seem to socialised to accept this sort of behaviour, there’s nothing else I can say…

Yesssss fuck you Random Man.

Well done for following their recommendation and emailing the gym.

I’d go as far to say…

No man thinks he is random. They all think they are the knight in shining armour every woman needs in any given situation.

It’s not necessarily about danger. It’s about being interrupted for no good reason. Yes, no doubt the random man thinks his reason is good, but it’s not, given he’s not in a position to give her safe advice (and by ‘safe’ I mean advice on her technique that won’t lead to injury). It’s about the intrusion into her space and activity that she hasn’t solicited. It’s about his attitude that he knows better than her what she should be doing.

But I have realy nothing to add
Clearly. But you keep posting and offering your opinion, telling the woman she’s wrong. Not unlike Random Man…

"It is totally normal in a gym context to receive and give advice if you see somoene doing something wrong. Even to give a hand to someone who is training to failure if you see them struggling with a barbell. There is a specific context here."

If you are a gym employee , thats your job. If you ask someone to spot you when using weights, you except advise. If you see someone doing something super dangerous and there are no staff to notify, then by all means a polite warning. None of those things apply to the OP. If you are going about your business exercising you should not expect some random man telling you that's wrong and this is what you should be doing.

Good for you @Pollydonia . I am a menopausal woman who has absolutely no patience for men like this. I would have been ENRAGED!!! (And might have shown him how much damage a 2kg weight could do to his bits.)

I really do not need you to tell me what is or what conventional practice at a Gym @Chubarubrub I am very well acquainted with gyms in many countries and I do not need your wisdom on this. No matter how much you know about it, it is not much more than me.

I have not called anyone man hater or anything. You have insinuated that I (and others here) are men. It 'says it all' about the many 'guesses' you are making that maybe are wrong.

Doubling down on you error of understanding isn't going to help.

OP was clear, she was irritated not scared. No mention of danger, lots of being pissed off with the entitlement, the assumption.

And, as she also stated clearly, this is something the club is aware of and have asked to be informed of. So they obviously think it is an issue too.

Lastly, this is an anonymous forum where many issues, large and small, are shared.

Was there anything else you have misunderstood, misinterpreted, negated in this thread? Happy to help if you remain confused!