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Original poster

Registry office wedding - have you ever regretted not having a “big” wedding?

69 replies

Goosey3 · 21/05/2022 05:58

Just that really.
A wedding has never been my dream. Not has it ever been my partners dream. We are looking forward to being married and having that “official” commitment to each other but until this point it’s never been my top priority. He’s suggested quite a few times over the years that we arrange a date etc but there’s always been something that comes up (a house relocation, very ill family on both sides, covid, our beautiful DC!). We have been together 12 years, have 1 young DC and will be getting married later this year (I know the Mumsnet opinion on us having a child and not being married yet - I’m fine with it so let’s not debate that 🤣)

Our plan was us, DC and witnesses (1 of my choice from my family and 1 of DPs choice from his) - registry office - then a nice first family holiday for 3 to celebrate.
My family don’t get along. My mum and dad cohabit (not very peacefully) and have a toxic on/off relationship. They are horrendously anti-social and hate being around drinkers. He hates her family, she hates his family. My relationship with them both is good but I prefer just to keep myself at a distance when things aren’t going well between them. They’ve never been married and don’t really agree with marriage.
DPs family on the other hand are very social, there’s lots of them, they love a lovely drink and party. They LOVE a wedding and are absolutely devastated at the idea of him not having a big wedding. Traditionally in their family it’s a big wedding with every extended family member there (DPs sister has around 160 guests to the full wedding).
A wedding with all of both our families there is just not the relaxing and enjoyable day that we had in our heads!

Our wedding has now turned into a registry office wedding with all immediate family there - our parents, siblings and grandparents. That’s my absolute limit, it’s as far as I’m willing to go. It’s already bigger than I’d like but I can tolerate it for the sake of somewhat keeping the peace. MIL is still very upset. There’s more family that she wants to be there and she wants the “big wedding” experience with her son. She tells me I’ll absolutely regret this decision (she seems to think it’s me pushing this despite DP being extremely vocal on the fact that he can’t think of anything worse than a big wedding and it’s just not for us!) not to get “properly married” as she calls it. She keeps bringing up the fact that my family don’t have much money (traditionally in their family the brides family pay for the lot just as they did with their DD) and saying that they can help with costs if that’s my issue 🙄 I just don’t want a day where I’m the centre of attention - it’s my worst nightmare 😂 I’m in my 30s and have never even had a birthday celebration other than a meal or a trip with DP or with a couple of friends.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for from posting 🙈 I know we’re not being unreasonable having the wedding that we want. I think I just needed to vent 😂 Have you had a smaller wedding and ever regretted not doing it the other way?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/05/2022 06:10

Sounds like Mil just wants a party so tell her to have one if she wants one but it’s not for your wedding

noideabutstilltrying · 21/05/2022 06:15

My husband and I just wanted the certificate with no fuss.

We were going to have just 2 witnesses and registry office. We eventually had close family there.

This was in 2003. I don't regret the small wedding at all.

Onceuponatimethen · 21/05/2022 06:16

I had a smallish wedding and no regrets whatsoever

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings
ModerationInEverything · 21/05/2022 06:20

We got married in a registry office, just us, our two DC and one witness each, then out for lunch. I've never ever regretted it. Like you neither of us wanted a big family thing, it was still very special. That was more than ten years ago and I've never felt it was less than perfect for us.
Our families didn't make a fuss, they were just happy we were happy.

Tumilnaughts · 21/05/2022 06:22

I had a beautiful registry office wedding just parents and siblings on each side and have never once regretted it. We've been married 10 years now. Unfortunately for you MIL it's not about what she wants and if she's going to moan you actually don't need to invite her at all! My extended family and friends were disappointed to not be invited but I really just didn't care and told them I'm not getting married to have a wedding, I'm getting married to confirm my commitment to my partner and gain a husband and that it wasn't about them.

Sooverthemill · 21/05/2022 06:23

Not one bit. I would hate a big wedding

Fjea · 21/05/2022 06:23

We had what you’re planning. Registry office, parents and siblings (and partners), no grandparents still alive. We have certainly never regretted it, though we didn’t have anyone pressuring us like you do with MIL. Even if you don’t personally regret it, she might take some handling to make sure she doesn’t make you regret it by holding it over you…

FlyMeToTheMoonandMars · 21/05/2022 06:28

We just had a registry wedding. Neither side of the family complained. Like you, I didn't want a fuss and to be the centre of attention. A big wedding was my idea of hell. It cost us very little. We did, however, go to the USA later in the year for a 'honeymoon' - I hate that word!

Big weddings are overrated and usually an excuse for attention seeking people to show off or have a big party. Totally not my thing.

My cousin (the man) was married the same year as me and had a lavish wedding. Horse drawn carriage and all sorts! Spent £££££££. They divorced two years later after she ran off with a doctor (she's a nurse). He turned to drink and died and 43 as he never got over her.

Funnily enough, I am at a 'hen do' today for two girls from work (both getting married within days of each other). They have spent the last few months going on and on about their dresses! I'm cringing and dreading today.

It's not what you do on your wedding day but what you do in your marriage that counts!! I actually think people who didn't get married, but have stayed together and are happy, are showing more commitment.

Stick to your guns!

LividLaVidaLoca · 21/05/2022 06:28

MIL needs to back off.

You’re more at risk here of regretting too many people.

cookiemonster2468 · 21/05/2022 06:28

The most important thing with weddings is to do what you want to do.

This isn't about your MIL getting some experience that she has weirdly inflated in her head around her son getting married (which he may or may not have ever wanted himself).

Your MIL has had her chance to have a big wedding, she could have done so herself if she had cared that much.

She is trying to live vicariously through you and that is never a good thing in a parent.

Seriously - ignore her, do what you want. It is not her decision or her business and it's really unpleasant of her to act like it is (and personally I think you should tell her to butt out).

Celticdawn5 · 21/05/2022 06:35

No regrets. Two witnesses.

broccolibush · 21/05/2022 06:38

We had a smallish wedding (30 guests) fifteen years ago and I’m still glad that we did so rather than having the circus we were being pushed towards by family.

Like you I was never bothered about a wedding and hadn’t dreamt about my big day but I allowed myself to be pushed into planning a ridiculous hoopla that was seriously stressful and expensive. We realised about six months out that it wasn’t what we wanted and the demands being made of us were unfair and getting more and more ridiculous so we cancelled and arranged something small. We haven’t been forgiven for it yet - and probably never will - and I’d expect that your MIL might be the same over you sticking to your guns on this. Not that it should change your wedding at all - and in your position I’d be telling her to shut up or you’ll change it back to just your DD and two witnesses - but be prepared for years of sniping/sulking.

worriedparent12 · 21/05/2022 06:43

I had a registry wedding in 2021 with dinner in the restaurant afterwards.

It was nice and we thought we would maybe do a bigger wedding in the future.

We have however since welcomed a second child and with the cost of living rising it seems more and more unlikely we will do a big wedding!

And I'm happy with that.

RedWreck · 21/05/2022 06:46

I often wish I did have a small wedding rather than the bigger one I thought I wanted at the time. Similar reasons to yours, very antisocial parents, rather overstepping MIL.

Please do what you & your dp want, it's absolutely nothing to do with MIL & she's being very rude by expecting a huge do with someone else paying!

The days of the brides' family paying for everything are long gone & 160 people at a huge wedding would cost thousands of pounds.

What you're planning sounds perfect, especially the holiday.

Definitely stick to your guns on this one, you certainly don't have to do what MIL says!.

MRex · 21/05/2022 06:54

A small ceremony can be much nicer, if that's your preference. Can you let her know that much of the issue is your family, but you'll work with her happily to organise a separate party-only with DH's extended family that isn't just you at the centre? Make up an excuse; DH birthday, PIL anniversary, whatever.

MintToBee · 21/05/2022 06:58

We ended up eloping with two mumsnetters as witnesses.
Everyone got over it.

prettytoes · 21/05/2022 07:05

Married 25 years ago in Registry Office in front of immediate family only and then had a lovely lunch together. Was a wonderful day just the way we wanted it.
Never regretted it and am secretly quite judgy of the money people waste on big weddings when they could spend that on their house or fantastic holidays Grin

Gumbo · 21/05/2022 07:07

The mistake you've made is telling anyone about it!

We got married in a registry office with just the neighbours as witnesses - no family whatsoever- and it was brilliant. Neither of us have ever regretted it for a second.

With weddings, you're always going to piss off/upset somebody...with a tiny registry office wedding you have the benefit of being able to not be selective and piss of everybody all at once Grin

Honestly, the cost and stress of a big wedding is insane - stand your ground...people will get over it.

Soubriquet · 21/05/2022 07:07

Nope.

I had my wedding in a registry office. It was a small thing but perfect.

We had a buffet straight afterwords in a local pub and then a disco that evening.

Altogether, including dress and suit, it costs us around £1000.

Never regretted it

ResentfulLemon · 21/05/2022 07:08

We married with just immediate family. Parents, siblings and their children.

The only thing I regret is not having someone take photos of us. The only photos we have are lovely, but they're just ones we took as a family.

Other than that, zero regrets about a small wedding. However some relationships (family and friends) didn't survive our wedding because they thought we were selfish for not inviting them. Still no regrets, but just a warning that people do make your wedding about them and will never forgive you for it utterly fucking insane but there we go

carefullycourageous · 21/05/2022 07:10

Never regretted not having a bigger wedding, my only regret is despite my wedding being small it was still bigger than it could have been!

You must do as you choose. Better to make your own choice and regret it than do as your MIL wants and regret it. Autonomy is powerful.

Loopytiles · 21/05/2022 07:17

I regret having a big wedding. DH and my mum v much wanted it.

MIL is being U: straight up interference and pushing her own wishes. wouldn’t discuss your choice with her any further.

The only problem with a small no of guests is that tensions/problems with certain family or interaction can be v noticeable. OK if everyone behaves! A problem with one person he’d rather not invite, and the likely reaction of others if they weren’t invited, was one of the main reasons DH didn’t want a small wedding.

QueenofLouisiana · 21/05/2022 07:21

Nope. I had about 20 people at the register office and a boozy afternoon tea reception for 40-ish. Got married at 12.30, all over by 5pm.

currently planning a special trip for our silver wedding anniversary.

octagonspoon · 21/05/2022 07:23

I regret having a big wedding! Really wish I’d done registry then room above a pub for the do. Relaxed with your mates. Would’ve been so much better!

TwittleBee · 21/05/2022 07:27

Small wedding, just us 2, our baby boy and 2 witnesses at our town hall (granted it is beautiful) followed by afternoon tea at a beautiful hotel.

Absolutely no regrets. One of my favourite parts was us walking through town in our wedding attire and everyone stopping to say congratulations. We had a drink in our favourite pub too which was so special.

The afternoon tea was in a public room, so we were surrounded by groups of women who totally made a fuss of us as well.

I'm really glad we spent less than £500 in total as it meant we could get a deposit down on our first home.

We do plan to renew our vows at the 10 year mark but really that will just be an excuse to go abroad on a long holiday just us 2 (as we never had a honeymoon)