Registry office wedding - have you ever regretted not having a “big” wedding?

[Goosey3]

Just that really.
A wedding has never been my dream. Not has it ever been my partners dream. We are looking forward to being married and having that “official” commitment to each other but until this point it’s never been my top priority. He’s suggested quite a few times over the years that we arrange a date etc but there’s always been something that comes up (a house relocation, very ill family on both sides, covid, our beautiful DC!). We have been together 12 years, have 1 young DC and will be getting married later this year (I know the Mumsnet opinion on us having a child and not being married yet - I’m fine with it so let’s not debate that 🤣)

Our plan was us, DC and witnesses (1 of my choice from my family and 1 of DPs choice from his) - registry office - then a nice first family holiday for 3 to celebrate.
My family don’t get along. My mum and dad cohabit (not very peacefully) and have a toxic on/off relationship. They are horrendously anti-social and hate being around drinkers. He hates her family, she hates his family. My relationship with them both is good but I prefer just to keep myself at a distance when things aren’t going well between them. They’ve never been married and don’t really agree with marriage.
DPs family on the other hand are very social, there’s lots of them, they love a lovely drink and party. They LOVE a wedding and are absolutely devastated at the idea of him not having a big wedding. Traditionally in their family it’s a big wedding with every extended family member there (DPs sister has around 160 guests to the full wedding).
A wedding with all of both our families there is just not the relaxing and enjoyable day that we had in our heads!

Our wedding has now turned into a registry office wedding with all immediate family there - our parents, siblings and grandparents. That’s my absolute limit, it’s as far as I’m willing to go. It’s already bigger than I’d like but I can tolerate it for the sake of somewhat keeping the peace. MIL is still very upset. There’s more family that she wants to be there and she wants the “big wedding” experience with her son. She tells me I’ll absolutely regret this decision (she seems to think it’s me pushing this despite DP being extremely vocal on the fact that he can’t think of anything worse than a big wedding and it’s just not for us!) not to get “properly married” as she calls it. She keeps bringing up the fact that my family don’t have much money (traditionally in their family the brides family pay for the lot just as they did with their DD) and saying that they can help with costs if that’s my issue 🙄 I just don’t want a day where I’m the centre of attention - it’s my worst nightmare 😂 I’m in my 30s and have never even had a birthday celebration other than a meal or a trip with DP or with a couple of friends.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for from posting 🙈 I know we’re not being unreasonable having the wedding that we want. I think I just needed to vent 😂 Have you had a smaller wedding and ever regretted not doing it the other way?

We had 14 people at ours, a cup of tea and a piece of cake afterwards. No regrets at all. One close friend had two witnesses and told their families afterwards as she knew they wouldn't be happy. Both of us very happily married for well over 30 years.

OP isn't your MIL capable of organising her own party? I would be very wary of her from now on as she clearly has no respect for your opinions or feelings.

14 people at ours. We did have a big evening party but neither of us could stand the thought of all that focussed attention on the important part. No regrets.

I think, every time MiL snides at you, I'd do the head tilty laugh and say, blimey, no, MIL, that would be our WORST NIGHTMARE! Can't bear all that fuss about the day, more interested in the marriage! Honestly MIL, all this is why we are still thinking of sacking it all off and eloping!

Then next time: Christ, you still going on about this? Honestly, you are so silly about this, you should do a vow affirmation and then you can plan your own big wedding! Not mine, ta!

Registry office wedding here too - afterwards a meal in a local restaurant, but we did do a bbq at home late afternoon /evening for some friends. All very relaxed and without the ‘wedding-vibe’.
10 years on, still happy with the way we got married.
BIL is currently planning their wedding which is a big affair, and they have been going on about it for the past 9 months. The stress it caused is ridiculous , let alone the debts they will be in after the wedding is over.
I never dreamt of a big wedding , so don’t fully understand the desire people have to pile the pressure on to organise 1 day.

What do you call a ‘big’ wedding?

Ours was Reg office with 60 guests, very casual reception at my parents’ house - largely in the garden since it was a lovely sunny day.
My DM told me more than once that I’d always regret not having a ‘proper’ wedding in a white dress (hers was wartime in a suit) but I never have. It was a brilliant day.

We have a registry office wedding with guests (around 50 ) and then a reception afterwards.

From your OP I'd say go for the ceremony with just the 2 witnesses and DC and then have a family dinner with DH family when it suits you. Maybe you pick the restaurant and date and tell his family it's a pay for yourself dinner, rather than gifts. That's what I'd do in your situation. But whatever you decide just remember the day is about you and what you want! We ended up with the bigger wedding than planned because of pressure from family, didn't see any of them offering to pay though!

Still married 35 years after Registry Office wedding. No regrets whatsoever. total cost, incl honeymoon, was £550. We had reception at MIL house.

Spending £10/20/30K on a one day piss up is sheer lunacy. Far too much pressure to succeed. Far better spent as deposit on a home.

I’ve never regretted it. Same as you - did not want the fuss, difficult family dynamics (divorce on my husband’s side) and it suited us perfectly. Was lovely!

Tell your future MIL that unless she drops the subject you’ll elope. Mean it!

No, married over 20 years and zero regret about RO wedding with a handful of guests.Mother was unhappy and made various alternative suggestions, made her disappointment known, but it was made clear they wouldn't be happening😀.

No regrets - we had close family and friends (20ish) at Register Office and then a nice meal afterwards. Then invited friends to the pub that evening - hired a space in a local pub. No speeches, no flowers, no best man / bridesmaids etc. Was perfect for us.

My parents owed a lot wedding invites, as all their friends DCs had had big weddings to which they were invited. So they did a party a couple of months later, at which we were guests of honour for a couple of hours, to repay that hospitality.

If you've never wanted a big wedding I doubt you'll regret not having one.

We had our dream wedding - just the two of us, our young daughter (not sure where this idea that mn disapproves of having dc before being married comes from ) and one witness who was my oldest, closest friend. We've never regretted it and it was never a discussion with either of our families.

You won't get many wedding presents though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your MIL sounds like mine - overbearing and pushing her own agenda. We would actually quite like a big wedding, but since having a baby we can't afford one and so we've stopped planning for one. Whilst we were planning she was constantly picking holes in the plan, wanting more people invited, a bigger marquee, a better meal etc etc there was no end to it. When we said we would likely have a smaller wedding, she said she wouldn't be attending. My advice would be to put your foot down early and not to let her get a foot through the door with planning.

We decided late April to get married in july due to an impending change of job circumstances - we got married in the country we were living /working in at the time.

small civil wedding in the town hall 12 years ago which cost £30! (Was charged because we were "foreign" as usually free)

actual ceremony was 15 minutes then done. 10 invited guests only but random strangers came in to have a look as is was a public building. Hassle free and exactly what I wanted

No regrets. Actually, every time we go to a big wedding we feel relief that we didn't do it like that. We got married abroad with close family. We had a party when we got back but that was for the parents, not us, we'd have been happy without that.

Thank you everyone 🙂 I definitely won’t be changing anything else to please her. I’m fine to change what we have and include slightly more family but I draw the line there.

I actually was considering suggesting a family get together with DHs family afterwards as I know it’s more important to them than it is to mine but I feel like it’s been made into such a big deal that me doing anything like that now seems like MIL getting her way and sets the tone for the future.

Financially, if DP and I wanted a big wedding we’d be able to fund this ourselves but the thought of spending obscene (in my opinion!) amounts of money on ONE day that’s really just for show is crazy in my opinion! That’s money that can be used to give our DC experiences, or go into our family home, or invest in our families future 🤷🏻‍♀️

@franke I was half joking about MN disapproving of children before marriage 😅 I was absolutely FLAMED for the sheer idea of it in a thread when I was pregnant a couple of years ago but maybe the thread just attracted the wrong crowd 😅🤣

@LaWench I totally get what you mean! Glad you did it your way 😊
personally, I absolutely LOVE attending a wedding. I’d also LOVE to plan a wedding and pick everything out for the venue and flowers etc 😍 I just hate the thought of it being my wedding 🤣🤣🤣

Tiny wedding, no regrets whatsoever.

I do regret not having a honeymoon, though that wasn’t possible at the time.

The only thing I would change from the day is maybe hiring a professional photographer to get some nice pics. Though 20 years on I’m less bothered about it.

Never regretted it. We had a few friends and family at the ceremony and a party afterwards. Waste of money, massive stress and not pleasant for someone who hates social occasions

We planned a register office with immediate family. MIL did what yours is doing and every conversation was a moan about our plans.

So we cancelled, added a wedding package to our honeymoon holiday, picked up witnesses there and told her just before we went. My family knew the plan and loved it.

No regrets decades later. It was perfect.

My husband and I had lived together for just over a year when we got married at a registry office. Being the only daughter, my parents wanted me to wear a wedding dress and all that - they bought the dress and short veil. My dad paid for a wedding car, which picked him up then my husband-to-be and me. I sat in the back with my dad, but we all arrived together. We had a reception at a local hotel, then a party at my in-law's house in the evening.

Married 42 years now.

We had a professional photographer and a proper photo album. Honeymooned in Jersey for a week.

We had a registry office wedding with just two friends for witnesses, absolutely the right decision for us, went home and had a take away. We just wanted to be married and a ceremony just wouldn’t have been right for us. People are always shocked that we didn’t spend thousands on a big ceremony, but we just aren’t showy people.

We had a very small wedding - registry office, just the two of us and my two children as witnesses. Had a very nice dinner at a very nice restaurant that evening to celebrate. Didn’t tell anyone until after it was all done.

It was perfect for us and we’ve never regretted doing it that way.

Your wedding = your rules.
We did Register Office, two friends (witnesses) and close family (about a dozen in total) and a meal after with a disco with buffet in the evening. Only regret is that we didn't have the money for an official photographer so I've only got informal photos taken by guests. Married 30 years this year, so don't really think it's a biggie!
Good luck, OP.

We eloped and had our best mates as witnesses. - absolutely no regrets either. I could not justify that amount of money on effectively a big party, especially given we have fractured family relations (divorced parents on both sides) in our families with family scattered over the world. It just was not financially and emotionally worth it given we were not overly fussed on a big day.

We had a backyard party for those that could make it (close friends and family) to celebrate our marriage. Family were disappointed but they had a good night. It avoided all awkwardness such as top table, photos, setting arrangements etc.

I wanted a small wedding with a meal in a restaurant with my loved ones after. Got pushed into a bigger reception by my parents, that’s the bit I regret because it wasn’t what I wanted. Just do what feels right for you.