Growing up in a dirty messy house

[Changedagain876]

I am one of three children. When we moved in when I was tiny my parents had started DIY so house had no carpets in some rooms and old furniture. The house was a basically a sh*thole. Clothes and crap everywhere, nothing was cleaned, I remember the microwave had old food in it. Sofas had stuff spilt down them. My bedroom had floorboards until I was 12 or 13. Bathroom did not have a proper floor until I was in late teens, just floorboards. I remember being so ashamed and embarrassed when I did have people over, which was not often. Just wished we could be normal like others. Parents both worked full-time in "professional" jobs.

I am so conscious now of not ever letting my kids go through this. Not a clean freak but house is clean tidy and warm, and I can't stand clutter. I don't get it, when I look back. I just don't get how they could not be embarrassed for us and want us to have some normality. It breaks my heart a bit. To think how easy it could have been for them to make the effort. I try to have compassion but I find it hard.

I can relate to this.

My mum's house was a dump. Mismatched furniture, neglected decor, untrained animals who did their business on the carpet which she couldn't afford to replace so the smell hit you as soon as you walked in.

I was terribly embarrassed, I only allowed one or two of my closest friends to step foot in there because I felt they were close enough not to judge me for it. Others weren't so kind.

I remember being 15 and had a boyfriend round. I made him climb up onto the bay roof and into my bedroom window which was the only clean room in the house. I gave the excuse "I didn't want to wake my mum" but she wasn't even home. He later told me he knew why I'd brought him in that way and I shouldn't have been embarrassed, but I always was.

I grew up on a fairly clean but messy, scruffy council flat that I was a bit embarrassed of when I had school friends over. My mum was a single mum who escaped an abusive marriage and worked full time to build a career for herself.

I do bloody proud of her as an adult. She was (is) a really wonderful , loving, inspirational Mum, even if our house was a bit of shithole. I would rather have had her than a show home.

@TiraMissSue that’s so lovely . Often life gets in the way of having the ‘perfect’ home and there is far too much pressure these days to live up to it. Homes are for people to live in. With regards to other posts , pets do get elderly and ill and accidents happen, stains and odours can unfortunately persist despite being cleaned. This is life!

I've just started counselling because of this. Growing up in this environment, abusive father, poor provider, all of those things. It totally ruined my formative and young adult years and still has an effect.

This thread highlights how much mental illness and dysfunction there is out there in most families.

My relatives run the range of clean freaks to hoarders.

I have ocd for germs so things have to be clean. I also have ADHD so things aren't very tidy. Friends have mentioned this. How can I be so clean but messy.

I try not to have many things. I'll get in the mood to purge things, gather clothes, etc. up and drop them off at the 2nd hand shop.

I’m so sorry there are so many of us.

A pp was so right about the shame of knowing that you didn’t have the basic things for school or being very dirty, not being able to do anything about it - but being punished and shamed for it. Just awful.

I have a strong memory of going to school in my only cardigan, which was literally dripping with cat’s piss when I found it. Wearing jelly sandals to school in February with snow on the ground. I remember being made to do PE in my underpants aged 13 with boys in the lesson because my mum had no yet bought me a PE kit for my new school (she did buy one eventually…the wrong kind of course so I was constantly in trouble me for having an unpleated gym skirt). Also being laughed at in class aged 11 for having a grey blouse because mum couldn’t be bothered to sort laundry or wash it often enough…by the teacher FFS. Who looks at an obviously neglected child and blames/shames the child?

it has affected me profoundly. I feel constantly wrong and waiting for people to laugh/notice that I smell or have the wrong clothes on. I find it difficult to have people in the house.

My parents were the polar opposite, particularly clean and tidy but still had no time for me what with keeping a tight ship/household and working.

Because she has now got children of her own.

My parents were ocd level cleaners and we were hardly allowed to sit on the sofa, never mind use crayons in the house. I’m a mixed half way house, creative space where the kids can experiment and build projects, otherwise a minimalist household in need of updating, , charity shopped clothes, organic food, lots of walking, bit dusty but dishes done daily.

I was the same as you growing up op. My parents were immigrants too so didn’t really get it and were always doing something weird in the house. Even my working class friends had very tidy well decorated houses whereas mine was like an overcrowded building site.

im not naturally tidy either though although I do try and have a cleaner twice a week. Dd are always clean and well dressed and Fred for though. But the house isn’t perfect.

I remember when my friend was very young around 6/7 her mum used to make her dad eat his dinner in the summer house! So weird, At the time I didn’t think much about it until my friend told me that’s where he ate his dinner as her mum didn’t want the table getting dirty, it’s strange really you don’t question things much when you are small! But I do remember years later he still say in there! I don’t know whether she joined him

It used to be the case that the working classes often had very clean , immaculate homes. Definitely more so than the upper/upper middle classes. It was considered the wife / woman’s pride and joy to keep it ‘neat as a pin’. But given most women are now at work one would think attitudes / standards may have dropped a little . I’m not sure this is the case though, and women feel embarrassment and shame if they let things go a little.

I had similar mainly involving being given hideous clothing so I was bullied, along with lack of necessary sanitary wear.

They weren't poor either.

It's neglect and usually also involves emotional neglect.

Same here. I’ve been reading about how executive function & limited theory of mind, is impaired in conditions inc ASD. I believe my mum is on the spectrum (as she has many other features plus other ext family members recently diagnosed) & finally feel I have a reason for what was really neglect growing up. Doesn’t stop my feeling angry & let down though nor the shame I’ve internalised about the home & it being a source of such anxiety for me now. How it feels an extension of me that I have to conceal or present as perfect to others because of all that chaos growing up. Helps hearing others articulate this really helps 💐

This was my friends son. I met her when he was 14, her flat was in a terrible state. I felt for him and helped them as much as I could. He’s mid 30’s and not long ago had children with his wife, who he’s been with since 18. He still has a relationship with my friend but there’s a huge amount of resentment there and I don’t blame him

@Kanaloa
What a beautiful comment. I'm so glad that you find it in you to have such empathy and your children/family are richer for having you as a mother and wife/partner. 💐

My dad was a painter and decorator (when he was working) and we had the worst decorated house in the neighbourhood! The house was dirty because everyone smoked inside and there was always cigarette ash dropped onto the carpet and then rubbed in as it “was good for the carpet.” WTAF???

Furniture was mismatched, secondhand and often falling apart. When I start to think back I feel so sad and angry that I grew up like that. We had two tables in the lounge which an old pub had thrown out. My father brought them home and I remember finding chewing gum underneath them.

Looking back I remember there was always money for booze and fags but very little else. As an adult, I have always ensured my home is immaculate when I have visitors.

OP, I totally get where you are coming from. How sad so many of us have similar memories?

I grew up in a messy dirty house, brought up by my dad. I did a lit of the cleaning from a young age and I think from my frustration as a child have used having a clean tidy environment as a way of feeling in control.

If my house is clean and tidy I feel I can cope with just about anything. My kids and husband don't always understand this. It can cause friction when they say I shouldn't care about a bit of mess. I don't think I am an extreme version of clean and tidy (vacuum once a week) but if mess starts to build up I feel anxious and powerless as I felt as a child trying to stay on top of all the jobs.

I don't feel angry with my dad but I do feel that it has made me who I am, for bad and good.

I am realising, very late in the day, that my dad was probably on the autistic spectrum and my brother almost certainly is. I didn’t grow up in a shithole, thanks to my mum and the fact that we lived abroad where having a cleaning lady come in every day was standard. However my mum died in her mid 50s and after that dad’s hoarding/ messing/ lack of executive function came into its full expression. My brother lives on alone, in the family house and it’s a shithole, but he doesn’t seem to realise it. Any attempt to de clutter is viewed with extreme suspicion. I am a frequent flyer at the local dump ( 2 garages to clear) but I haven’t even touched the sides yet, and I’ve been at it for about 10years.

I also grew up in a filthy and untidy house. My parents both worked in full-time professional jobs, kept a lovely big tidy garden front and back, but housework and caring for their children was low down on the list of priorities. The only housework that was done was 2 loads of washing (for a family of 4) at the weekend and the very occasional wipe of the bathroom sink. As soon as I was able, and certainly by the time I was at secondary school, I used to dust, hoover and clean bathrooms as I couldn't stand living in such filth. I remember doing the family ironing when I was a young teenager. I changed my own bed as soon as I could and kept my room immaculate. I left for uni at 18 and remember coming back that first Christmas and being appalled at the dirty state of the house, nothing had been done for a whole term! When I got married and DH and I would go and visit, as soon as I got there I would 'need the loo', so that I could get in the bathroom first and wipe over the mirror, sink and toilet with loo roll so he wouldn't judge me for my parents being so dirty.

My sister and I never had enough underwear, even though my parents could easily afford it. I remember complaining I didn't have any clean knickers and my mum would say, 'wear the ones you wore yesterday', but the same thing would happen the next day and so on...I had one skirt and one cardigan for school, which were only washed in the school holidays, meaning I'd worn them continuously for about 6 weeks! I remember when I needed a bra, I was only bought one which I would wash myself and dry overnight. I would stuff my knickers with wads of loo roll as I didn't have enough sanitary towels. I could go on. The house was permanently freezing, we never had the heating on and our friends refused to come to play as it was 'too cold'. What really hurts is that my parents could easily afford these things, yet chose to hoard money. My mum is nearly 90 now and absolutely loaded, yet still lives like a pauper in a filthy flat, she hasn't changed a bit. Just one look at her tea towels takes me right back to my childhood.

I've gone the other way, I like everything clean and tidy and have some OCD tendencies which I try to suppress. I also have a phobia about germs and food poisoning, I had a lot of 'tummy bugs' as a child as no food was thrown out. My DD has always had plenty of underwear, clothes and uniform, not expensive stuff but she was always clean, she's grown up now.

Honestly, I don't think anyone here is talking about "not perfect". Sadly some children are still forced to live in conditions which are so bad they are actually abusive and are very frequently part of a wider pattern of neglect. Imagine being the child who knows that their home conditions are not OK, who is helpless to do anything about it and can never invite friends round. Not a great way to have to grow up.

@LoisLane66

Thank you, how kind xx to be honest I think we all try to do the best to better ourselves/our childhoods for our kids. Even the opposite of this thread where we see people with overly clean parents who have gone the opposite way and ensure that their kids have space to be messy/free.

Poor mental health is probably the main reason for the cases of neglect on here , as clearly a lack of basic sanitary conditions and providing clean clothes absolutely is. My heart goes out to those that have suffered this. However, surely judgments around ‘mis matched furniture’ and unfinished DIY in some posts is a little harsh ? Don’t think I’ve ever had matching furniture!

I think it’s part of a pattern though, isn’t it? Hardly any posters have stated trauma from just mismatched chairs. It’s a pattern of dirtiness and lack of care in the home. Plenty of people will have had mismatched furniture but a clean comfy environment and won’t have been affected by that or will even have affectionate memories of the mismatched decor. But when it’s part of a wider pattern as in the op, who obviously isn’t just talking about dated or mismatched decor, it’s a different story.

Growing up in the ‘70’s my childhood home was like that. My parents didn’t have the money or practical skills to do the house up (they could only afford a do-er up-er), we never had new furniture and my DM was not great at housework, so from the age of about 9, I learned how to do it for her.
They were embarrassed about the state of their house, but their solution was to ban guests except family from coming around.
That experience has been useful, in that once I moved to my own place I learned how to decorate, spring-clean Etc. and the DC have always been able to have friends around without being embarrassed - so ina way, I did learn from my DP’s mistakes!