Growing up in a dirty messy house

[Changedagain876]

I am one of three children. When we moved in when I was tiny my parents had started DIY so house had no carpets in some rooms and old furniture. The house was a basically a sh*thole. Clothes and crap everywhere, nothing was cleaned, I remember the microwave had old food in it. Sofas had stuff spilt down them. My bedroom had floorboards until I was 12 or 13. Bathroom did not have a proper floor until I was in late teens, just floorboards. I remember being so ashamed and embarrassed when I did have people over, which was not often. Just wished we could be normal like others. Parents both worked full-time in "professional" jobs.

I am so conscious now of not ever letting my kids go through this. Not a clean freak but house is clean tidy and warm, and I can't stand clutter. I don't get it, when I look back. I just don't get how they could not be embarrassed for us and want us to have some normality. It breaks my heart a bit. To think how easy it could have been for them to make the effort. I try to have compassion but I find it hard.

It isn’t a 10 year old’s responsibility to keep a clean home. I would never ever expect my 11 & 10 year old to take the burden of the home on their backs. Their father and I both work. We’re both tired. It’s still our responsibility to keep the home.

I find it interesting that your mum was too tired so it never got done, and then you suggest the op should have done more herself. So it’s mum’s job… then little 10 year old girl’s job… not dad’s job of course! He isn’t even referenced.

And obviously nobody is talking about being ‘afraid to drop a crumb.’ This silly hyperbole just makes it look like you have no understanding of balance - as if the opposite of ‘food piled up’ is being terrified to spill a crumb. Spilling a crumb is fine. Cleaning it up is also normal.

It's very much a continuum I think - I can see above that some homes were clearly over the line to neglect/abuse, and I can see a lot of similarities (we never had animals in the house thank goodness!) around things like amount/washing of clothes, and there's stuff I'm too embarrassed to share even on an anonymous board, but I wonder what makes the difference from growing up in a fairly chaotic/cluttered house but it not affecting you, and growing up a similar environment and finding it still affecting you (aside from the not having good habits instilled from an early age)

I realised the other morning that growing up we pretty much never had fresh veg - it was all tinned, and fresh fruit (other than apples) was a once a month (or year if something like strawberries) treat.

And that other kids had pyjamas, rather than just sleeping in their pants/t-shirt from that day, or that they would be horrified that I basically slept on bare boards and plaster walls on a couple of bean bags for months once, or that there are bottles of god knows what in my parents bathroom that I remember being there from when I was a child.

There just wasn't money or time for decorating a lot of the time, and certainly not for re-decorating. All our furniture was second hand - sometimes from the newspaper, sometimes from skips or dad's work, or family.

The microwave/hob wasn't sparkling, but it wasn't weeks of built up food - we didn't get sick, there were rules about how long leftovers could be in the fridge before you shouldn't eat them.

But on the other hand, dad built me a bike from bits he acquired (legally, but from talking to people to get old stuff) when I grew out of the one they'd got me for my 6th birthday, but they couldn't afford a new one, and they always made sure that if there was something we really wanted for Christmas, they would find a way to get it (it might not be the real version, it would be second hand or a knockoff, or I'd have to add what money I'd got for a birthday to the pot, but they'd get it).

I wonder if it's that I knew that whatever else, my parents were in it with me too - they didn't have new stuff either, they were trying their best, and we were a team.

I took a boyfriend home once. Just the once. He dumped me the following weekend.

It's obvious that some people commenting genuinely have no idea. I've had this in real life too. As I got older, explaining the situation to select friends as to why I didn't want them to visit. Some would insist their houses were the same - they never were. They were just not spotless and pristine.
It's amazing to see how many have actually experienced this though. Like you said OP, I've gone through most of my adult life thinking it was just me.

OP, thanks so much for starting this thread. It is a very hard thing to have grown up with. It will never leave me and it's good to share.

To everybody who has not experienced this, please do read what people are saying. This is nothing to do with wishing our childhood homes were perfect or higher class. I came from a middle class family and we had enough money to live a normal life but neither of my parents were capable of it.

My parents were really attentive, loving and kind to us. I don't hate them. I really hope that anybody who struggles with cleaning and organisation doesn't feel got at or bad on behalf of their children when reading this thread. In retrospect my parents probably both suffered from AS and ADHD. The thing is though, they kind of gaslighted us by saying that the way we lived was normal, or better in some way because they didn't care about trivial things like cleaning. They did this to cover up the way things were. I know it was because of the stigma and in those days hardly anybody knew about ADHD and AS. But the covering up and lying made it all so much worse for me.

I really, really wish and hope that people who struggle with cleaning and organising and have children now can just admit to their struggles and ask for help. Of course it absolutely 100% goes without saying that love and attention are the number one thing that children need and of course it doesn't matter at all if your furniture is mismatched or you are a bit slow with diy. But basic levels of cleanliness and organisation so that your children have clean clothes and everything they need to cope at school and invite friends home are really important too. Please don't pretend it's not important for your children. It is.

There's a certain kind of mess. There's the messy house with kids toys everywhere/dust/ piles of clean clothes/stuff from parents hobbies like bags of wool, tennis rackets or golf club bags sitting around/the odd cup that hasn't made it to the dishwasher yet/floor could do with a mop.

And then there's the house with animal waste lying around, mould everywhere, vodka bottles and old takeaway cartons lying about the kitchen, sticky yellow walls and surfaces from smoking indoors, no toothpaste in the bathroom, no toilet roll.

Both cluttered messy houses but totally different situations for children to find themselves living in.

@DressingGownofDoom
Well, I don't think there are two types of messy house. Our house growing up was unlike either of the two you describe.

We had no toilet paper sometimes. My dad wouldn't go to work on certain shifts so we were skint. It was a priority matter. Him smoking or us wiping our arses on something that wasn't newspaper. It was often newspaper we had to use.

Everyone has different standards.

I have a friend who has no children and an interest in interior design. Her home is immaculate. I remember she came to visit me...I had a newborn and a toddler. My home was clean and tidy. Genuinely. Kitchen cleaned every day and floor mopped. Clear surfaces. No dirty dishes as I had a dishwasher etc. Living room was clean but there were four/fi ve toys on the floor that my Ds was playing with. She looked at them and was appalled. She opened up one of my kitchen cupboards to get a glass and was horrified to see a plastic beaker in the cupboard next to the glasses. Her glasses are artfully arranged. She actually said to me "how can you live like this?"

She didn’t say there are ONLY two types of messy house. She was describing a difference between scruffy/messy but liveable, and dirty unliveable squalor to comment on why some people might be more affected than others. Growing up in a messy but basically liveable house with loving parents won’t affect someone the way growing up in a chaotically dirty house thah doesn’t function properly will.

I’m not sure why people keep including these stories of super insta perfect people. A story like this (plastic cup next to glasses) isn’t anything like the houses people are talking about. People are acting like those of us who grew up in these homes are just fussy and hate any normal living spaces/want insta perfect homes when that couldn’t be further from what’s being discussed.

Like it’s not about ‘having different standards’ it’s about having standards of living.

Yes I'm well aware that's not like the houses being described on here @Kanaloa You are being quite tetchy. I just thought it was a rather amusing anecdote that my friend is so ott that she thought living in a home with a plastic beaker next to the glasses was horrific. It was completely ridiculous of her.

I’m not tetchy. Maybe if you’d read everyone’s responses you’d see why saying ‘oh well people have different standards’ might not fit in a thread where people are discussing the long lasting effects of growing up in a chaotic home. It would be like going onto a thread about people suffering from childhood abuse and saying ‘well everyone parents differently - my friend has sticker charts but I do naughty step haha.’

You are massively over reacting. I'm not excusing the conditions talked about here. But many posters have described parents who were at the opposite end of the spectrum. I suspect if my friend did have children, she'd be one of those mums having a shit fit if her child got a toy out.

But yes between these two extremes, theres a whole raft of different standards and expectations. No one thinks dog shit on the floor and mould is acceptable. But there are people who think having your cushions not properly arranged or a coffee cup on the side or a pile of clean washing on the side is filthy.

I’m not overreacting at all. I’m simply reacting. Yes, some people might think ‘not having cushions arranged properly is filthy.’ If you want to discuss those who have ridiculous standards and judge others for not having cushions arranged correctly then start a thread about people with OTT standards - don’t come on to a thread about those who have suffered extremely chaotic homes and say ‘well some people just have standards that are too high.’

OP said they were floorboards up until teens. This isn't acceptable. If you have money to buy a house.... you surely can save for flooring which is a necessity not a luxury!

I grew up in a mansion with paddocks etc and we were not allowed to have anything on our desk or bed or floor and we were not allowed to touch anything. Didn’t dare bring friends back. Screamed at outside the house to take shoes off and bugger you if you were wet from rain.

the emotional affection was nil and neither for physical

it’s still makes me cry and shake - they still live in the same house and I hope they choke on it.

electricity - god forbid more than two inches of water or you had two lights on in your room but they weren’t f ing poor

@Kanaloa conversations evolve. But yeah what I really meant was that anyone who objected to living in a home knee deep in animal faeces and mould just has high standards. Yep...🙄

I agree with you @Kanaloa. There are people with adverse experiences to super tidy homes. Maybe someone can set up another thread for that, but we're taking about something else.

It’s the choices that many parents did have also but chose not to.

A family super hard up, who has no money to buy new childrens underwear but tries to get when possible either donated or just wearing a bit smaller a while, is a very different to a family who just can’t be bothered to even wash those small pants, and spends the money on cigarettes.

children shouldn’t have to live like they do. They shouldn’t be afraid to ask for things they need or live in a safe environment.

Money wise most basic things can be sourced now through school, charity, no waste resources etc if a parent chooses to contact those places for help and assistance. I know many schools will help with additional new/ secondhand uniform or bags/ books if a parent simply contacts and tells them they need help, and so will many other parents. But many won’t ask, even if it’s then children who then suffer.

I grew up in a lovely posh house that had a cleaner five times a week, but tbh I'd have swapped that immediately for a loving home. I wouldn't have cared about the mess if it was a trade off between the two.

Not undermining anything you're feeling OP, just my experience. I think we all have different things we struggle with. Did your parents love you? While a dirty home is grim, and I'm not surprised it upset you (it was embarrassing you growing up, stopping you from bringing friends over, you were not feeling comfortable, all of which are bad things to have to deal with), I do think it's important to balance that memory with if they loved you and treated you well aside form the mess.

My dad went to the pub every night and weekend. Sunday lunchtimes too. But though there was enough for that and him smoking there was no money for basics like a fridge. No phone and car, not basics, but marked us out as different. What I remember is my mum always being busy but the house never looked any better. The garden was like a jungle both front and back. It was an embarrassment.

Sitting in the house smoking if he couldn't go to the pub because of no money. He would smoke those no filter ones and save all the bits left over to make new fags out of. The nicotine content must have been off the scale.

When I needed money for a cookery lesson for ingredients he told me to tell the teacher to "bollocks". I can remember all the fug and smoke and ash all over the place. Not getting animals to the vet so some of them died before their time. Going ape at my mum for having a tom cat neutered saying it wasn't fair. "Shut yer f*ing noise" was often yelled at me.

I can understand why @Kanaloa is pushing back at the everyone has different standards. Although I believe the ultra tidy & messy parents are two sides of the same coin, what links them is they have prioritised themselves over their children. They are not giving their children emotional stability just in different ways.

I've had people who just don't get it and dismiss it, which is probably the same as others on here which is why I get tetchy.

We had a grand house, my DM didn't work, I went to private school, there wasn't the extremes of mess discussed by some on here but there was continued drip drip neglect of our well-being like no toilet paper for days when there was shops down the road, no clean clothes we washed our own from quite young, dirty stained toilet.

On its own the house would have been considered just messy (sometimes flipping into disgusting) but with everything else it was neglectful by a thousand little cuts.