Growing up in a dirty messy house

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I am one of three children. When we moved in when I was tiny my parents had started DIY so house had no carpets in some rooms and old furniture. The house was a basically a sh*thole. Clothes and crap everywhere, nothing was cleaned, I remember the microwave had old food in it. Sofas had stuff spilt down them. My bedroom had floorboards until I was 12 or 13. Bathroom did not have a proper floor until I was in late teens, just floorboards. I remember being so ashamed and embarrassed when I did have people over, which was not often. Just wished we could be normal like others. Parents both worked full-time in "professional" jobs.

I am so conscious now of not ever letting my kids go through this. Not a clean freak but house is clean tidy and warm, and I can't stand clutter. I don't get it, when I look back. I just don't get how they could not be embarrassed for us and want us to have some normality. It breaks my heart a bit. To think how easy it could have been for them to make the effort. I try to have compassion but I find it hard.

That is really sad OP and I feel sad to all
the other neglected kids (now adults) that we’re affected in this way.
My DH grew up in a messy house in disrepair. I met DH when his siblings were still under 18 so I saw it for myself. His DM was working FT though and married to an alcoholic so I guess things became to overwhelming for her and things piled up.
DH and his siblings weren’t neglected in any other regard though but both him and his siblings have similar tendencies to their mother in that they like to hoard things and they mostly don’t see mess. They don’t see an issue with it. I’m the total opposite and like a clean, tidy home. It is a constant battle to be honest but our DC will never live in filth because I won’t let them.

i grew up in a quite big Victorian house that my parents could barely afford to heat and the decor was awful (really embarrassing) and my parents had no taste in furniture (think it was all 3rd hand) and everything was a bit chaotic and noisy (I am one of 6 kids and there were usually a few extras that came back after school/hung out for the weekend) …. But mum always made sure kitchen, bathroom and hall way were clean and tidy (just in case the Queen popped in - such a snob!). Friends were welcomed with open arms and open fridge and as we got older, we were allowed to have mates back from the pub etc. And the other doors were just closed on the messy rooms. I think we had a brilliant time - a bit dishevelled and probably very unfashionable but kind of muddled together and laughed off the awful carpet and cat hair.
Whereas, My Dh grew up in a late 70’s new build with plastic covers the sofa and white goods boxed up at the end of the day (toaster back in its box etc). He thought we were crazy for leaving shoes in a heap only there front door and we thought his putting outside shoes back in a box was just odd (it is isn’t it??). But after 20+ years of living together, we’ve reached a sort of happy medium. I leave stuff in a heap, he moans - and outs it away :-)

I grew up in a house that was in a continuous state of something being DIYed, with parents who weren't horders, but also didn't throw away anything that might be useful, because we were skint. There were things like eating off our laps every night for dinner because even when we did have a table, it was covered with 'stuff' so we only cleared it off for special occasions. Things weren't dirty, but neither were they spotlessly clean and definitely not tidy.

But I don't feel bad about it, in fact I think it helped my resilience, I can (and have) pitch up anywhere and not have the environment get me down, and as a bonus, I can turn my hand to most household DIY tasks.

What has been a challenge is trying not to live that way myself - I'm 43, and only just starting to realise that what I need is less stuff, and that I don't need to keep things 'just in case' - I have money to re-buy things if I need them, for instance I just emptied my 'useful plastic tubs and bags' cupboard, realising that if I needed something the exact size and shape of an Ariel washing tablets box, I could just go buy one when I needed it. No need to keep one in the cupboard for years on the off chance.

For my parents, it was definitely born of knowing how short on cash we were, and that if they saw something for a quid on the bootfair that would cost 30 in the shops, they should buy it now, because they might need it later. I can't fault them for that - plenty of times there were things that I simply couldn't have had if they hadn't behaved like this.

OP... Your post rang true with me too. We also had a menagerie, so there were piles of literal crap everywhere. One of my cats even gave birth in the bottom of 7 yr old me's wardrobe and it never got cleaned. It stank bad.

My sister is now ultra clean and too far spotless. I make sure things are tidied and clean enough, but not obsessive. I don't mind a bit of dirt in my house, as I know it'll never get to the grim state I grew up in.

I have been reading this in a bit of horror as I had the same. Far too embarrassed to invite friends back as a kid. My parents had too many pets and health issues and stressful money problems to be able to manage. When they divorced it was even worse. My dad was completely unprepared for looking after us all and going to his house was so grim. We would always smell of grease and everything was dirty to the touch, even the washing up!

our diet was also awful - I’ve actually found that hard to change too (but have, for the most part!).

blimmin grim. I don’t run a show home but determined to always keep it nice enough for childrens friends to pop over.

Every word of this 👏

Exactly the same house, including kittens born on our clothes in the bottom of a wardrobe

Im very much a neat freak now, the thought of the house I grew up in turns my stomach

My Mum was (and still is ) a hoarder . She thought she could do things , like covering the sofa, but things got half done Take things apart and that's how they stayed . Useless
She didn't throw things out and if anyone was getting rid of something she had it ( Church , there was a lot of to-ing and fro-oning)

If we asked what she wanted for birthday /Mothers Day the answer was always "A tidy house"
But if we tried to throw anything out she'd go through the rubbish in case we threw anything of hers out
If we wanted friends round we had to tidy ( and give days of notice) then we got "you only help if you want people round"
The house was a mess the next day
If I did something like cook or clean the kitchen , it was suddenly MY job
She slept till noon ( depression/laziness)
She vacuumed on a Saturday when we were trying to watch TV (even though she had all week)

We had to empty the house , it took so many vanloads , we knew it'd be a nightmare but didn't realise how bad !

I can only wince and eye roll now .

I was the "smelly kid" in high school as a result of this stuff and I still remember it. My Mum used to drink a lot, we didn't have a vacuum cleaner, didn't have a 'modern' washing machine but a weird hand-operated thing, no central heating, it was grim.

I was REALLY conscious that I smelled and I did stupid things to try and disguise it (eg. spending ages scrubbing and shaving armpits but then putting a dirty shirt back on / using a really strong-smelling men's deodorant thinking it would be more effective / spraying clothes with Febreze) etc. I bathed often so my body wasn't dirty but my clothes were and I never seemed to make that connection!

When I was 16, thank God, it was resolved - I got a part-time job, we got a proper washing machine, the council installed central heating, I discovered women's deodorant (!) etc. I've been a "clean freak" ever since then, you don't forget it. I love doing laundry and hanging out clothes in the summer,

Similar experiences here, brought up by an older, lazy, chip on shoulder male parent who didn’t work so he could ‘look after’ us haha

it is the apparently ‘small’ things that in some ways I remember most. The same unwashed tea towel never washed but used daily. House never ventilated and it smelt. Insufficient ill fitting clothes. Inadequate sanitary towels. One wash load per week for the whole family just crammed into the machine and dried indoors - never outdoors not allowed. Cannot recall bed being changed or towels.

Like many of you I treat my children very differently and take pride and pleasure in laundering their clothes, keeping bathroom cupboard well stocked with decent toiletries etc.

My mum used to ram the hoover into the bedroom door and smack us if room wasn't tidy. I wasn't allowed to do anything my mum was a proper hyncinth bucket who used to beat us if we made a mess. I've gone the opposite I'm very cluttered but house is clean, we also have a cleaner. I do let DD have friends over but I clean before they do I'm nothing like my mum, I try not to get obsessed over it.

It was the same for me. i really struggle to know how to clean, and when to do stuff. whenever I say that on here I always get “don’t be so ridiculous it’s common sense” except, it’s not if you didn’t grow up in it.

I disagree. My mum kept a dirty and untidy house, albeit that she did occasionally push the vacuum cleaner around. I managed to work out how to tidy up, put things away, use a duster and vacuum. I just used my common sense.

I work in this area

I'm a great believer that the vast majority of people are doing the best they can with the physical / emotional / resources they have

And sadly, many people are doing their best, but their best just isn't really enough to meet their / their children's needs

Thank you for sharing your stories. As a professional, it's really helpful for me to hear how you remember your childhood and how it affected you

My DH grew up like this and my MIL chose to live like this for the rest of her life.
Visiting was always a nightmare, especially with young children, making excuses for always taking our own food and drink and surreptitiously wiping their hands
There were not even chairs to sit on so we all stood around. She had capable sons but was affronted at any suggestions of help and did not see what others saw.
She has not long passed away. She chose to die at home and I felt so sad for my DH that sitting with his dying mother was made worse by the fact that he had to do it in such awful surroundings.
The house has been cleared with the aid of 5 skips and absolutely nothing worth saving

Me too! I didn't realise when I was younger that my mum probably had depression. She's only been on anti-depressants for the last 20 years or so and I'm nearly 60. I think she also may have had learning difficulties.

Anyhow, dirty messy house, some bare floorboards that never were covered, poor meals, worse in my teenage years, an inability to keep me in clean and properly maintained clothes. No interest in house or being a mum. Dad spent every night in the pub. Having friends round was out of the question. No life skills at all passed on to me, but then my mother never had any to give. My husband taught me to cook and mother in law taught me to look after a house.

Mother still alive and I avoid her and her filthy hovel like the plague. Hoards of filthy shit everywhere. Faeces on floor quite often.

I used to be such a clean freak after leaving home but have managed to loosen off a bit now as I bordered maybe with OCD. But I am proud to have given my children the clean tidy and lovely home that I never had. However, my parents were hoarders and although I am nowhere near that level I do struggle a bit with keeping cupboards and drawers clutter free.

Growing up I had a dear friend, ee only ever hung out at my house as I was nearer to school. A gorgeous boy who came to our air cadets started taking an interest in her, but she wasn't having any of it, as she said he wasn't her type. Seriously, he was an absolute gentleman at the age if 17, Benedict Cumerbatch gorgeous, Thor brave and steady and was the only kid I knew who drove a drop top XR3i.
A couple of weeks later, my family were due to move to another county. She invited me to her house for the only time in our friendship.

Where the walls met the floor was curved where utter crap, including cat poo, that had been left to settle, rot and meld over years and years. Food, dishes, dirty clothes, cobwebs, half done building work everywhere. My over riding thought was marvelling at how on Earth she managed to show up at school and cadets 'normal' and clean. She eexplained this was why she couldn't go for the gorgeous boy as she was scared her home would put him off. Her family just didn't understand being organised, let alone clean. I did the best I could as an awkward 15 year old and encouraged her to at least go on a date with him, nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that.
We moved that week, and we rapidly lost contact (damn you Social Media for coming too late).

I looked her up on Facebook once. She's happy as an angel, in her (spotless) mansion with her smart kids and the gorgeous boy, now her loving husband.😍

I’d argue that there are far worse things than no carpets, bare floorboards , piles of clothes and ‘old’ furniture referred to in the OP. Obviously dirt is not good, depends how extreme the lack of cleaning was. Give me faded and shabby over a Next catalogue look anyday… I don’t know how old the OP is but I believe our standards of today are way too high. There is far too much focus on lack of ‘clutter’, cleaning is the new Instagrammable trend (Mrs Hinch) and rooms looking like they belong in a magazine, not to be lived in …. A bit of mess and dirt can be beneficial to children’s immune systems!

Same for me. When I had my son (and I was only a young teen) I started making a list of everything that had to be done every morning and would just work through it. It seemed like common sense to me despite never having seen it as a kid. If you do struggle with it start a thread on here - I’m sure lots of people will be happy to share advice with you on keeping on top of it.

To me there is one bit of advice most people don’t want to hear though - get it done. I don’t pick my book up or watch telly if the dishes need done. I don’t browse Pinterest or mumsnet if the floor is dusty. I only watch Netflix while ironing when the kids are in bed. Basically that’s the big piece of advice I follow. Always be on top of it and doing something, even when you’d rather be doing nothing.

@Wantthisfriend

Your friend ended up married to the boy that fancied her but she previously felt she couldn't get to know him? That's a lovely story

It’s not ‘today.’ It’s always been the basic standard that clothes are not left in piles but hung up. And op also mentioned stuff spilled all over the couch, old food left in microwave etc. People always do this on mumsnet, hit back with this silly ‘oh better than the soulless Mrs Hinch insta style.’ But basic tidiness and cleanliness isn’t some ‘new’ standard, and the alternative isn’t a clinically clean and bare space.

Yeah I grew up in a shit tip. You had to wash a glass or plate before you used it, even if it was 'clean' it would have lipstick marks on it or something. My mum chain smoked and everything was covered in tar and stank. There were five of us in a flat smaller than my current small two bed terraced house.

It hasn't affected me as an adult, though. My house is average clean/tidy, I'm no hoarder, and I don't go crazy with the bleach.

I had a boyfriend whose house was just as bad. It was huge, his dad had ripped it to pieces, knocked down walls, and pulled up floorboards, then left. His disabled mother and his siblings lived in it in that state for another 15 years. They had two cats that were infested with fleas and the place was flea ridden. I loved that house though, as it was so spacious compared to our tiny shit pit. It got bought by a developer and turned into twelve flats (it was in Clapham).

I feel for you OP, I grew up in an absolute squalor and it does stay with you. My mum and siblings rarely showered, let alone cleaned the house. I hate going back to visit now and I don’t think I truly realised how bad the house was until I actually moved out. When I go back now the smell is unbearable, there’s clothes piled on kitchen counters, food down the back of the sofa, crisp packets thrown on the ground, bins over flowing etc etc, we even had rats for a few months and one of my friends spotted it when she was visiting, then told everyone at school the next day. It’s disgusting and I wish social services would have intervened; my sister and niece live there now with my mum and the house is the same, if not worse. Social services won’t do anything though.

I hope you can forgive your parents. Did you have a good relationship otherwise?

@Kanaloa Unless food is not eaten in sitting rooms then sofas invariably get food spilt on them. Ideally these spills are cleaned but regardless I think it’s not the end of the world if a sofa has a few stains on. The same goes for clothes not being hung up, sometimes there is not enough wardrobe space and sometimes it may be sheer laziness or slovenliness, but if does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Well it matters to me, yeah. I don’t spill food and just leave it. I think it’s dirty. Although having said that I wouldn’t let my kids eat dinner on the couch - we eat at the dinner table. It’s better for messiness but also better for developing good eating habits.

Same for leaving piles of clothes on the floor. It doesn’t keep your clothing in good condition to just leave it in dirty piles/all over the floor. It means the clothing is less accessible for a child to choose from, they don’t have good space to play in, and it doesn’t teach them proper respect for their things. We aren’t a wealthy family, so our things are by no means fancy/posh, but they’re all clean and well cared for.

But yes my issue isn’t with food being spilled - of course that happens. However if you do spill food in the microwave/on the couch, you clean it up. Otherwise it is dirty and it smells. And it’s certainly not appropriate to cook more food in a microwave with dirty old food in it.