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Original poster

Would you date a man with autism/aspergers

59 replies

Ciaran5920 · 15/05/2022 21:42

Hi there! So Im nearly 24 and Have never had a girlfriend before (Im still a virgin as well) but a few years ago my therapist diagnosed me with being on the autism spectrum. Growing up I was always a bit of a nerd who wasn't really popular in school, I had mates but I just never use to socialize much.

I don't really have any close mates although I do have plenty of acquaintances that I chat do and I do have work mates (male and female). Its just that I have always struggled a bit when it comes to making connections with people and with women I just don't know how to flirt with them. I don't really use instagram on any social media sites, I stay off them although I remember a girl at work calling me "strange" once when i said that i don't use tiktok or instagram lol.

I don't think im bad looking in fact I have always been very obsessed with my appearance, Im 6'0 and Athletic/Fit. I like to look my best mainly because I have always been very visual (Even when it comes to learning)

But I am very career driven and I have always had that "Fire" in me to become sucessful, I also work alot of hours as well while studying and for the past few years I have been really saving up. I plan on moving out of my parents house and getting a mortgage for a house by next year when im done with my engineering degree.

Im a bit old fashioned as well as in I feel like its a mans job to provide, I really want my own kids someday as well but then sometimes I worry that I might never find someone.

Sometimes I can be a bit awkward socially and I know many women need words/the emotional connection to feel attracted to a man. I struggle with words and making emotional connections, I also don't know weather a woman is interested in me or not (I struggle to read social cues).

I also heard a stat once that most autistic men never get married.

But then if I do manage to find myself a woman then I have all these thoughts going through my brain like "what if her family doesn't like me" or "What if she doesn't like my body when it comes to sex". I also worry that I won't be enough for a woman and that she'll just leave me for another man

OP posts:

Bonheurdupasse · 15/05/2022 21:45

This reply has been deleted

We've deleted this post as it sounded like disablism.

WalkerWalking · 15/05/2022 21:47

Have you posted on here before? The whole "I'm tall and fit but I'm scared women don't like me" thing sounds very familiar.

FWIW I know lots of autistic men who are married.

ofwarren · 15/05/2022 21:50

Plenty of autistic men are happily married.
This thread will end up being full of posts from women criticising autistics though. Mumsnet is not the place for this discussion.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General relationships

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 15/05/2022 21:51

Turn your thinking around. What can you offer a partner? Clear communication and no games! Generosity. Loyalty.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 15/05/2022 21:52

Alternatively find yourself an autistic woman whose traits align or compliment yours.

broccolibush · 15/05/2022 21:53

This reply has been deleted

We've deleted this post as it sounded like disablism.

You’re asking someone to consider how their disability might deeply hurt their partner? Is there something wrong with you? How utterly offensive.

ofwarren · 15/05/2022 21:53

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 15/05/2022 21:52

Alternatively find yourself an autistic woman whose traits align or compliment yours.

Agreed.
ND plus ND can be really great. Less to navigate.

Original poster

Ciaran5920 · 15/05/2022 21:56

I don't think women like men just because they are tall/fit. Ain't women more emotional rather than visual? As in they only find men sexually attractive once they know them or have an emotional connection with them?

I could be wrong tho

OP posts:

ofwarren · 15/05/2022 21:57

Ciaran5920 · 15/05/2022 21:56

I could be wrong tho

Some are, some are not, same as with men.

maxwellsilverhammer · 15/05/2022 21:58

Therapists can't diagnose autism.
I am married to a man with autism so of course I'd date one (and did).

maxwellsilverhammer · 15/05/2022 22:01

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 15/05/2022 21:51

Turn your thinking around. What can you offer a partner? Clear communication and no games! Generosity. Loyalty.

People with autism don't have all the same personality traits, you know? They are real, three dimensional people.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 15/05/2022 22:06

I married one. But I later found out I was autistic too.

RoseslnTheHospital · 15/05/2022 22:06

Ciaran5920 · 15/05/2022 21:56

I could be wrong tho

Yes, you're wrong. Women are people. We're all different with different things we find attractive in men (or other women, or both). Don't make the mistake of thinking that women are all the same and are some kind of different species of human to men.

You might also want to reconsider your sexist and out of date belief that men should provide for women. Rather think of a relationship as an equal partnership where each person brings their own unique personality and preferences.

There will no doubt be women who value honesty and straightforward communication in a relationship. They may well also appreciate a hard working partner who has career goals. So no need to be pessimistic at age 24 that you won't ever find anyone to be in a relationship with.

ElenaSt · 15/05/2022 22:06

You're only 23 but come across as being quite serious so my advice to any young man whether they have autism or not is to lighten up and just go about making friends and having fun and you will most likely have deeper mutual feelings over time with someone from your friendship group.

Unblessed · 15/05/2022 22:07

@Bonheurdupasse

one of the most offensive and ableist posts I’ve seen in MN for a long time. Do you have any idea how much these types of comments harm autistic people? The prejudice we face every single fucking day from non-autistic people is encouraged and enabled by posts where a self-selecting group of people appoint themselves experts on autism.

please please please think about the damage your statements cause. They hurt deeply - which is incredibly ironic given you are lecturing the OP on how his autistic behaviours will hurt his partner.

Do you really have so little empathy that you can’t see the damage your ableism causes?

PinkPlantCase · 15/05/2022 22:08

If I got on well with someone I wouldn’t care if they had ASD.

Your attitude to women comes across as a bit troubling though.

Im a bit old fashioned as well as in I feel like its a mans job to provide

Its fair enough if you have aspirations and want a good job but saying you think it’s that man’s job to provide makes me wonder what you think the woman’s job is? Because if you think it’s to stay home and take care of kids that would be a much greater turn off than ASD

Also all the stuff about women being emotional not visual. You absolutely can’t generalise like that. Of course women can find men sexually attractive before or without getting to know them.

Yarnasaurus · 15/05/2022 22:12

Your sexism is gonna be more of a problem than your autism.

SugarFly · 15/05/2022 22:15

I personally wouldn't but it is through personal experience.

My father is on the autistic spectrum, as is my brother. Both have had really tricky relationships as they struggle with communication and their obsessions are all-consuming. Having seen how hard it was for them both, and my mother / sister in law, I wouldn't choose it.

That is a bad reflection on me though, not people with autism. I know myself and that the traits I see in my ASD family members are ones I would find very hard to deal with in a relationship. I know there are all sorts of ways autism presents and maybe other traits I would be ok with. Family history and experiences over the years mean I'd rather reduce likelihood of similar experiences. I'd also like to reduce chances of my own children inheriting genes which make ASD more likely due to the high prevalence of it in my family already.

TrashyPanda · 15/05/2022 22:19

Im a bit old fashioned as well as in I feel like its a mans job to provide

how do you feel about women who earn more than men?

have you ever considered that women might find this attitude offensive and demeaning and a real turn-off when it comes to choosing a partner?

PurpleDaisies · 15/05/2022 22:23

There will some women who want to be provided for.

Some women are likely to find you attractive.

We don’t all have the same taste.

Original poster

Ciaran5920 · 15/05/2022 22:24

Well I just think that if your a man who wants kids then you should make sure that you are financially stable. I don't really care if the woman im with has a career or wants to be a stay at home mother (Id support both) but when it comes to having kids then Id much prefer her to stay at home for a few years at least until the kids got older.

But then Im also still a virgin and I feel as if I should gain some sexual experience first although i just don't know where to find women who want A Fwb. I know sex workers can be an option but im not too sure about that although It is really hard for your average man to get sex unlike your average woman

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 15/05/2022 22:27

Make sure you are really open about those views with any potential partner so you don’t end up wasting time with someone who think that’s incompatible with them.

NRRK28 · 15/05/2022 22:28

I am a wife of autistic husband and have 2 autistic boys. I love my husband and i think he is the best husband ever and thats thanks to his autistic trait. I truly believe in him. He won’t cheat on me because its hard for him to open to other woman.

one of most important thing for man is how man can provide and responsible for their family. My husband is very career driven and he is one of the best UI designer in games industry in england. I’m so proud of him. And he loves me and the kids to bits.

I am a psychologist. Now i’m not working because i have little baby.

find a woman who understand you. My husband is very quiet and i’m very chatty. We can complement each other.

this year is out 9 years anniversary and believe me we never had a fight for years. I even forget when i had a fight with him.

both of my boys are autistic aswell. But i wouldnt changed anything. I am lucky to married with autistic man.

Ponderingwindow · 15/05/2022 22:30

Many of my friends are on the spectrum and most of them are married. It isn’t a barrier at all.

the bigger barrier is likely to be the old-fashioned attitude.

admittedly my friendship group is not a random sampling, but they tend to be intelligent, successful individuals who value equality in a relationship. Men and women both take active roles in raising children and caring for the household, regardless of who may be earning money for the family at any given moment.

TrashyPanda · 15/05/2022 22:30

when it comes to having kids then Id much prefer her to stay at home for a few years

what if her preference was to return to work?
if she was the higher wage earner, how would you feel about you staying at home for a few years instead of you?

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