Would you date a man with autism/aspergers

[Ciaran5920]

Hi there! So Im nearly 24 and Have never had a girlfriend before (Im still a virgin as well) but a few years ago my therapist diagnosed me with being on the autism spectrum. Growing up I was always a bit of a nerd who wasn't really popular in school, I had mates but I just never use to socialize much.

I don't really have any close mates although I do have plenty of acquaintances that I chat do and I do have work mates (male and female). Its just that I have always struggled a bit when it comes to making connections with people and with women I just don't know how to flirt with them. I don't really use instagram on any social media sites, I stay off them although I remember a girl at work calling me "strange" once when i said that i don't use tiktok or instagram lol.

I don't think im bad looking in fact I have always been very obsessed with my appearance, Im 6'0 and Athletic/Fit. I like to look my best mainly because I have always been very visual (Even when it comes to learning)

But I am very career driven and I have always had that "Fire" in me to become sucessful, I also work alot of hours as well while studying and for the past few years I have been really saving up. I plan on moving out of my parents house and getting a mortgage for a house by next year when im done with my engineering degree.

Im a bit old fashioned as well as in I feel like its a mans job to provide, I really want my own kids someday as well but then sometimes I worry that I might never find someone.

Sometimes I can be a bit awkward socially and I know many women need words/the emotional connection to feel attracted to a man. I struggle with words and making emotional connections, I also don't know weather a woman is interested in me or not (I struggle to read social cues).

I also heard a stat once that most autistic men never get married.

But then if I do manage to find myself a woman then I have all these thoughts going through my brain like "what if her family doesn't like me" or "What if she doesn't like my body when it comes to sex". I also worry that I won't be enough for a woman and that she'll just leave me for another man

My brother has autism & is married to an NT woman, this is not your barrier. I’m autistic and in a LTR with NT man also.

However, you are doing a lot of gender-based categorisation. I can understand why. The autistic brain loves to categorise and follow patterns. BUT you need to shift how you perceive gender. Women are not a group broken down into ‘women who like to be domestic’ and ‘women who like careers’. ‘Older women who can provide’ vs ‘younger women who can be provided for’.

All humans have a variety of characteristics and interests, such as introversion vs extroversion, enjoys spontaneity vs enjoys planning, likes bold colours or doesn’t! Right now your attitude seems to be about finding a woman- any woman will do- and working your personality around that. The woman herself is interchangeable.

Very very few women will like that because it dehumanises her. She as a person, with her individual likes and dislikes, doesn’t matter. What matters is you have the goal of ‘obtaining woman’, and will take any one going. You’re better off thinking about the kind of person you enjoy spending time with, and seeking out women who are like that. Any characteristics can help you form that picture.

Think about what you enjoy about your friends: their way of communicating, shared interests. I doubt you categorise them in the same way: ‘I want a friend, so I will find a man and befriend him.’ Rather than seeking a woman, seek a partner.

It sounds like you have a bit of a 'men are from Mars, women are from Venus' attitude which I personally would find extremely off-putting.

Women are human just like you. We come with the full range of personalities, abilities, disabilities, strengths, weaknesses, attitudes - same as men. Stop thinking 'women like x' or 'women do y', it's insulting.

You also don't seem to understand why paying for sex is wrong. It's got nothing to do with your feelings or whether you 'could enjoy it'. Consent is really important and you can't buy consent.

It sounds like you are spending too much time on Reddit and are veering dangerously close to an incel mindset.

I think people are being a bit unfair here. The OP said he would imagine his partner staying home whilst the children are little, but he seems open to other options. I think open communication is key here. If the man said "I expect you to stay home and look after the children because you are female" that would be controlling. But if the couple discuss this and both agree on it I think it's fine (as long as the woman is protected financially e.g. through marriage). Or you might decide to both do part-time work and part-time childcare, for example. Or part-time work and part-time nursery. There are lots of options. I think you can discuss long-term plans etc once you've been in a relationship for a while, and see if you are on the same page.

In terms of the sex thing - again I think OP is just worrying about what women expect here, rather than specifically wanting to visit sex workers. Personally I wouldn't overly worry about this OP. I think most women would be more bothered about whether their partner listens to them and is considerate of what they like in bed, rather than whether they have had loads of (or even any) experience.

I agree with others to keep in mind that women are individuals and not all one group. I agree the best option is to go along to social things and just be friendly to women in the same way you would a man, and hopefully you'll meet someone you really get along with.

You're 'old fashioned' - think women are 'more emotional' etc. You'd be better asking your friends why they think you're struggling to get dates. There is no one rule or reason and MNers don't know you.

This is very similar to a recent thread.

It's quite curious that MN is having a spate of young, athletic, well-paid men rushing to tell MNers that they're single.

They say that women are the gatekeepers of sex while men are the gatekeepers of relationships.

How do I say this without offending… ahhh fuck it. OP it’s not your autism that’s putting people off, it’s your almost incel like comments and attitudes towards women 😣

I am autistic myself so your autism wouldn't put me off (in a hypothetical situation where I was single and of an age range where our life-stages would be similar enough to make a relationship viable. I am married and nearly 50 so not in the market for dates in real life).

I can't flirt at all and hate being flirted because I struggle with knowing which parts of it I should take seriously, and to respond appropriately, so your lack of flirtatiousness would be a plus.

No problems with you working hard at all but I have a strong need to be financially independent so I wouldn't be able to let you 'provide for me'.

I have never wanted children so that would also be an incompatibility.

If you spent a lot of time exercising/grooming to maintain your looks that would also irritate me in the long run, but otherwise I think I either fancy people or I don't and sometimes they are conventionally attractive and sometimes not. I would be more likely to be attracted to your personality than your appearance.

I am not very 'into' sex at all because I struggle with physical closeness to other people but I recognise its importance so I do make the effort where required in a relationship - unlikely anything specific about your body would be off-putting, other than, you know, it's someone else's body and it's too near my body!

My family liking you or not would be irrelevant. I respect their opinions but I make up my own mind about people.

In short, if I were in my 20s and single I would certainly date you if you asked but I am not sure we would be compatible in a long-term relationship, for the reasons stated.

I hope you find the right person soon, OP

Perhaps they should ask themselves why the vast majority of men aren't dying to give up work and stay at home with the kids and the housework. It's because they know it's a fucking shit deal

Spot on @pixie5121