Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Would you date a man with autism/aspergers

59 replies

Ciaran5920 · 15/05/2022 21:42

Hi there! So Im nearly 24 and Have never had a girlfriend before (Im still a virgin as well) but a few years ago my therapist diagnosed me with being on the autism spectrum. Growing up I was always a bit of a nerd who wasn't really popular in school, I had mates but I just never use to socialize much.

I don't really have any close mates although I do have plenty of acquaintances that I chat do and I do have work mates (male and female). Its just that I have always struggled a bit when it comes to making connections with people and with women I just don't know how to flirt with them. I don't really use instagram on any social media sites, I stay off them although I remember a girl at work calling me "strange" once when i said that i don't use tiktok or instagram lol.

I don't think im bad looking in fact I have always been very obsessed with my appearance, Im 6'0 and Athletic/Fit. I like to look my best mainly because I have always been very visual (Even when it comes to learning)

But I am very career driven and I have always had that "Fire" in me to become sucessful, I also work alot of hours as well while studying and for the past few years I have been really saving up. I plan on moving out of my parents house and getting a mortgage for a house by next year when im done with my engineering degree.

Im a bit old fashioned as well as in I feel like its a mans job to provide, I really want my own kids someday as well but then sometimes I worry that I might never find someone.

Sometimes I can be a bit awkward socially and I know many women need words/the emotional connection to feel attracted to a man. I struggle with words and making emotional connections, I also don't know weather a woman is interested in me or not (I struggle to read social cues).

I also heard a stat once that most autistic men never get married.

But then if I do manage to find myself a woman then I have all these thoughts going through my brain like "what if her family doesn't like me" or "What if she doesn't like my body when it comes to sex". I also worry that I won't be enough for a woman and that she'll just leave me for another man

OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 15/05/2022 22:33

Sorry, that last bit should be “instead of her”

i always earned more than my husband. I supported him when he did a PhD.

Mutual respect is very important to many people.

ValBiro · 15/05/2022 22:35

Sex workers can be an option? Really? Hmm

autienotnaughty · 15/05/2022 22:35

Have you tried dating? What about Tinder to dip your feet in.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General relationships
user1471548941 · 15/05/2022 22:35

I’m a 29 year old woman with autism and this year I married my neurotypical partner of 5 years and it works.

He took the time to get to know me as a person, autism and all; he was actually my boss but it was basically a friendship before a relationship. We were very clear that we liked each other and were dating with the intent of a serious relationship so no mixed messages for me. He’s also not perfect and had his own issues he’s working on so there is balance to our relationship; we are very open about our strengths and weaknesses and try to allocate things that play to each other’s strengths- so he gives me advice on how to navigate social situations but I taught him how to cook and eat a healthy diet because he was overweight.

The keys I think for us are:

  1. talking about everything. SO many potential conflicts happen because 2 people have different perspectives on the same scenario and are coming from different angles. We have a rule that we both share our approach with the other before any discussion- just so we know where the other stands. Many times this proves there isn’t actually any conflict and we can respect each other’s different approaches.
  2. humour. We are BOTH able to laugh at each other- sometimes I will tell him his neurotypical approach is ridiculous but he also enjoys affectionately teasing me when I’m struggling with mutism and can’t respond.
  3. an acceptance that neither autism nor neurotypical is better, they are just different. We respect and try to learn about each other’s perspective on the world and it’s super helpful for me actually to understand how other people might see something that I am looking at in a pretty rigid manner. Equally my autistic logic has solved many problems that he thought was unsolvable ( I am a specialist at problems such as how to fit things in a suitcase most effectively or how to fit many Ikea flatpacks in a small Renault clio etc etc… 😂)
Ponderingwindow · 15/05/2022 22:35

its definitely best to want to be financially stable. It’s also ok to be open to a wife staying home with the young kids if she is amenable. Most women are going to want the assurance that you would 1) view all money as family money. 2) view the workday of a sahp as work and split the remaining work on evenings and weekends and 3) be ok with her choosing not to stay home or to change her mind if it isn’t working out for her or the family

the problem is if you view raising children and taking care of the family as wife work or if you view your earnings as yours and that you are giving your wife an allowance.

Unblessed · 15/05/2022 22:36

@NRRK28

thank you for speaking up so positively about NT/ND relationships. It is so helpful.

Libertaire · 15/05/2022 22:37

The fact that you are autistic or have Asperger’s, or are hard-working and ambitious, or are still a virgin wouldn’t put me off at all.

However…

Im a bit old fashioned as well as in I feel like its a mans job to provide

This sort of outdated, offensively sexist crap would make me see a massive red flag and run a mile.

Original poster
Ciaran5920 · 15/05/2022 22:38

I wouldn't care if she is earning more than me or if she wanted to return to work, As long as she still likes me and is attracted to me then I don't really care

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 15/05/2022 22:40

"I know sex workers can be an option but im not too sure about that although It is really hard for your average man to get sex unlike your average woman"

"Sex workers" are not an option if you view women as equals and not service humans to pay to satisfy your sexual urges where they would not otherwise consent to sex. And not to mention there are plenty of women who would be totally put off ever having a relationship with you if they knew you viewed women that way.

I don't know where you get the idea that the "average" women can get sex whenever they want, presumably with better than average looking men??

A good way to find like minded women that you'd possibly like to have a relationship with is to participate in a hobby or pastime that interests you which is also mixed sex. Then use the hobby/pastime as a starting point for conversation and go from there.

Original poster
Ciaran5920 · 15/05/2022 22:41

in fact I wouldn't mind finding myself an older woman who earns alot more than me, Id stay at home and be the house husband if thats the case lol

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2022 22:41

You're considering sex workers and you're expressing sexist views. Both of those would be an absolute no from me.

TrashyPanda · 15/05/2022 22:51

Ciaran5920 · 15/05/2022 22:38

I wouldn't care if she is earning more than me or if she wanted to return to work, As long as she still likes me and is attracted to me then I don't really care

Well, that’s really positive, if you really believe this.
but maybe think a bit more about how this fits in with what you call your “old fashioned” views.

You are only 24, but women had to fight to be able vote, to get equal pay, to not be discriminated against in the workplace - all long before you were born. You are expressing views that are archaic and which many women will see as insulting, not old-fashioned. A partnership should be about equality, not about a man taking care of a “little women”, because that implies men are superior to women. And that is insulting to women.

many women will find the idea of a man who uses sex-workers to be utterly abhorrent.

AlternativelyWired · 15/05/2022 22:58

Jeez. I was getting your thinking on some things until you said about sex workers. Women aren't to be bought for your sexual
edification.
I'm on the spectrum and I find your sexist views alarming and would run a mile. You're young yet though. Too young to be flying so many red flags.

Original poster
Ciaran5920 · 15/05/2022 22:59

But lets be real, If your average woman said "who wants to be my boyfriend" or "Who wants to have sex" then she's going to get men interested.

Whereas if your a man who is average looking (or even above average looking) then you'd be laughed at or seen as creepy.

They say that women are the gatekeepers of sex while men are the gatekeepers of relationships.

But then me personally I don't want to pay a woman for sex, I couldn't enjoy it and I don't want to be having sex with a woman who most likely doesn't find me sexually attractive anyway

OP posts:
GalactatingGoddess · 15/05/2022 23:02

Your posts sound a bit incel-lite OP. A fair bit of sexism and 'women get anything they want' sort of vibe.

Women ultimately/generally want a kind, loving, and respectful partner if they're planning on having children with them. And equity in the relationship.

TrashyPanda · 15/05/2022 23:05

They say that women are the gatekeepers of sex while men are the gatekeepers of relationships

who is “they”?
why do you believe this is true?

I’m genuinely sorry, because I don’t want to upset you, but your rigid views and preconceptions about women are rather disturbing. Have you ever considered if this might be why you haven’t had a girlfriend? Because your opinions about women actually put women off?

Booboobibles · 15/05/2022 23:09

I don’t think you’re sexist and I think that a partnership with one parent working and one at home is the most sensible option. It just puts the woman in a vulnerable position.

Remember that a lot of autistic people are living normal lives and aren’t interested in a diagnosis. Like most of the people in the Cambridge maths and engineering departments.

I’m autistic and have two autistic sons. I’ve had relationships with two autistic men and both were very different but autistics tend to attract each other regardless. I have a lot in common with some autistic people but I have friends who are neurotypical and they’re more similar to me than many autistics. Personality type is more important.

thevanilla · 15/05/2022 23:11

my jaw is getting closer to the ground each time you post. your sexism and incel tendencies can’t be disguised, thankfully, and I hope the women in your life see the red flags waving

Booboobibles · 15/05/2022 23:11

The sex worker thing is wrong though….a lot of sex workers are trafficked.

vdbfamily · 15/05/2022 23:13

Everyone advising OP of old fashioned attitudes, just remember, not everyone thinks like you. There are plenty women out there who would be absolutely delighted to find a man a wanted to' provide for her' whilst she looked after her little ones. I had that and loved it. Many of my friends also did that until kids were at primary school. One of the saddest things I see on MN is women using their savings to cover maternity leaves so not seen to be relying financially on their partner.
I married a man with Asperger's. We have just celebrated 20 years. I think I have undiagnosed ADHD. Neither of us had had sex before marrying. It was not a disadvantage at all. We learnt from scratch to please each other.
He still makes me laugh every day. However, if you struggle to express how you feel( like my husband does) you need a partner who is emotionally secure. My DH very rarely says in words that he loves me but he shows me this all the time.

vdbfamily · 15/05/2022 23:15

Also meant to add that we meet online. It is a good way of finding out what you have in common and if you're humour is similar etc if the first few interactions are on line.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2022 23:23

not everyone thinks like you.

Of course. Many women like sexist men who would consider rape for money. OP asked on here and has been told the zeitgeist. If he posted somewhere else he'd get different answers.

TrashyPanda · 15/05/2022 23:29

just remember, not everyone thinks like you. There are plenty women out there who would be absolutely delighted to find a man a wanted to' provide for her' whilst she looked after her little ones

and during these years, the woman is not contributing to her pension and she is not progressing in her career.

there are plenty of women who then find their relationships break down and they are left high and dry, with several years away from work and have to scramble to get any sort of job at all.

Nextyears · 15/05/2022 23:57

My partner has aspergers.
He told me on our 3rd date, and I've never had any problem with it.
The way it most noticeably presents in my partner is his bluntness, he doesn't feel the need to explain or justify himself if he doesn't want to do something for example.
We match perfectly in this front, as I have lots of guilt about disappointing people, so he is blunt when I need him to be for my sake, and I justify his actions when the guilt overtakes me 😂
Anyway, we have a child and another on the way.
I'd like to think if he told me before we started dated, it wouldn't have made a difference in my opinion if him, but I'll never know.
But by the time he told me on date 3, I already really liked him so it didn't matter.

It will be difficult for you but you will have to try be a little outgoing not having socials is fine, but you have to reach out to people in real life if that's the case.

Maybe join some mixed gym classes if that's your passion, if you see someone you like make eye contact, smile, say hello, ask how they are.
If thos happens with the same person a few times and they are also catching your eye and smiling, maybe ask if they'd like to go for a coffee/lunch.

Its nerve racking, but it will be worth it when you find someone. I wish you the best x

codeVeronica · 16/05/2022 10:26

Thankfully attitudes like the ones @vdbfamily hold are becoming less and less common.