2 DC under 3 and no family support - any advice?

[OxfordDonna]

Looking for tips / thoughts from anyone who's been in my situation and come through the other side! We have 1 DC will be 2 in June. We would like to have another child as I'm 40, but we have zero family support and I have found toddlerhood quite hard work. My husband works till late at night and so I do everything during the week from breakfast through till bath and bed time. I work PT running a business and DC1 is at nursery PT. I've realised the lack of family support, even just to have a grandparent look after DD for an hour is something I've missed.

Trying to look ahead and think about how we could manage things better this time around if I do get pregnant. We would really love a family of 4 in the long term so trying to make it work as best we can. We were slow to organise childcare last time due to pandemic as you weren't allowed to look around nurseries. Now we have our DD there, perhaps we could put a new baby's name on the list before they were born? Sounds crazy but we live in south london where it's a total frenzy.

Any tips around ways to help me manage 2 young ones? "Throw money at it" is a thing I see on MN quite a lot. We are lucky enough that we could probably afford to extend childcare a bit. DD would start state preschool when she turns 3 which would be cheaper anyway. Do you think a home help / nanny or au pair (not sure of the correct role) would be a good idea? Eg on the days when I collect DD at 3pm up until bedtime? To support with that busy part of the day? Do such people exist?

Are there any mums of two or more pre-schoolers who have no family and whose partners work long hours? How do you cope and do you have any advice?

Thank you x

Apologies, when you said family of 4 I assumed you meant 4 children!

Au pair or local childcare student to help a couple of days a week at target times. A clear 2/4 hours a week can make a massive difference- un child interupted cleaning can clear the decks

Paid help if you don’t have a husband who can do his share and don’t have family to provide free support.

I think that’s your options.

Otherwise you can suck it up yourself and take the hit. I really don’t recommend that. It can really do permanent damage to your mental health, no matter how strong and well you think you are.

Full time child care for your eldest - its not an obligation, you don't have to use it if you don't want but having the option eases the mental burden a lot.

My eldest remained in childcare whilst I was on mat leave. I only used it around 3 days a week, but knowing it was there really helped me.

As did my DH changing jobs so he could work from home more and have more flexible hours. And getting a cleaner.

I had 2 under 2 with no grandparents and a DH who was never home before 8pm. It was a bit of a blur but we got through it. I had a nursery nurse student on placement for a while and I made some Mum friends with a similar age gap so we could meet up regularly. Otherwise it was a case of lower standards for a few years until they started school.

@worriedparent12 thanks for your insights. Yes, we are lucky enough to have a nice park nearby.

Unfortunately I don't have a mum I can call on. We don't have any family and it's just us.

@Babdoc sorry for some reason my post got cut off half way through. I was going to say that your children are really lucky to have you.

I'm not really sure that your situation is especially unusual? Lots of parents are in the same position.

We have three little kids (2, 5 and 6) and no family help, DH doesn't work til late at night generally to be fair, but we have more children to manage. The younger two are at nursery a couple of days a week and the oldest is at school. I'm lucky in that I work part time now. If you run your own business then presumably it can be more flexible but what about maternity leave? Will you be able to take that?

There seems to be this expectation on Mumsnet that everyone does/should have lots of help from grandparents, but it's not usually the case in reality. Most people I know use nurseries and I know lots of people with at least two children and none of them have a nanny, but this might depend where you live?

Hi OP! I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. I'm a SAHM and my DH works long hours, including nights and weekends. My older child goes to nursery for his 15 hours, and we have a cleaner once a week. No other formal help but my mum is brilliant and comes over every couple of weeks. DH is in a very hard, very worthwhile profession (literally saves lives all day) so I try my best not to resent it. My tips are:

• batch cook, and supplement with easy cooking. I buy chopped frozen everything- onions, garlic, veg etc - so i can literally put together a meal with one hand whilst holding the baby.
• if you can possibly afford a cleaner or other help, do it. We don't go on foreign holidays or have meals out, instead we have a cleaner.
• get a sling or wrap for the baby
• lower your standards re TV/screen time for your eldest!
• get a yoto or similar so you can stick on an audio story at bedtime if the baby won't play ball with sitting in the older one's room.

The point is your husband is there to provide back up in the evenings, and OP's isn't.

So I had e in 5 years and A DH who was a nightclub manger so worked overnight most nights and then most full days due to the office work required.

Changing career is not an option because money. I laugh when people mention that

The reality is you need to be a team. For us he brought in the money because that is very very important to us.

I do work full time but my career was limited to being the sole on call carer to the children.

I am currently in the process of changing to a career in teaching to further become more flexible at home

Throwing money at it is brilliant if you can. But not having silly expectations is my main one.
I once got jealous of people I know getting to have a nice weekend with their families. That will never be something I can have.

I don't think of it as odd, I grew up with my Grandma and Auntie being around a lot, us going to grandma's for dinner so mum didn't have to cook every night. And vice versa, my Mum helping when little cousins were born, cousins coming for dinner, or all going to grandma's on many weeknights in a row! Admittedly, I do see less and less of this kind of hands on family support these days but 20 odd years ago, this was our norm and I think my parents coped a lot better than I do right now, living thousands of miles away from them.

• of miles away.

@mistermagpie I'm not sure I suggested it was unusual? Just seeking advice from those in similar position. The only other parents I know all seem to have fantastic grandparents whom they drop DC odd once a week etc.

I had a baby, a toddler, little support and a dh who worked full time. I copied by being a sahm and being in my twenties helped a lot! I look back in amazement at the energy I had and even then it was hard work! But yeah, through money at it is the only advice. It's a hard few years but once they're school age, it's fine.

We are about to have two and have no family near. My DH's parents are both dead and mine live three hours away.

But DH doesn't work long hours and is always home in plenty of time for dinner/bedtime, etc. and does a lot of the parenting load. I think throwing money at things is probably a good bet. Outsource what you can of household stuff, keep childcare for the first child while you are off with second if you can afford it, and on days when you have them both get some structure - I will have both DC solo on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so I've made sure that we have somewhere to go on each of those days that I can take both: movement and music class, church group, soft play etc.

But I think with two your DH might have to make some compromises if he can, even if he can be around for bedtimes etc but then work later into the night to make up his hours. Or it'll be quite a lonely and tiring existence I think.

I employed a postpartum doula and really took care of her, and she has stayed working for us for months and months longer than the usual doula stint.

When DH was working late, she would be there to put the older child to bed. Or she would stay with one while I took care of the other.

I also set up a spare room in case I needed a night nanny (although the doula would do stayovers). I never used itt, but at least I knew that it was an option.

A cleaner would probably be a massive help maybe even more so than extending childcare.

if you can afford someone to help in the afternoons that would probably reduce your stress levels too.

a postnatal doula could be something to consider too

good luck x

The point is your husband is there to provide back up in the evenings, and OP's isn't

Yes, yes, I get that. But doing dinner bath and bedtime for two children isn't really something that needs back up from grandparents is it? I've done it lots of times by myself with three and managed. Obviously you can't work at the same time as looking after children, that's why everyone is suggesting nursery and nannies, but in the evening I'm sure the OP could manage- loads of people do it.

Well that's why it read like you thought having no grandparent help is unusual? It's not really, was all I was saying.

@mistermagpie I'm sure you're right that lots do it. I think the thing is that if you're doing it pretty much every night, then everything else suffers. For example I don't ever get time to exercise, or properly clean or tidy, or watch a TV programme, or even have a shower most days. It's not a case of 'I'm just coping with bedtime tonight because DH is working late, and I'll get some help from him tomorrow evening' - it's relentless, you can't just batten down the hatches, you have to make it work longterm. Does that make sense?

We had two children and no family help, I am acutely aware of how much easier it is for those who have grandparents on tap but it wasn't available to us.
I didn't return to work after maternity leave and put a lot of effort into making friendships with other parents and they were the ones who eg looked after my first when I was in hospital having my 2nd child, or collected a child from school if the other was poorly.
The other thing that changed our life was getting a good babysitter - we have spent an absolute fortune on sitters over the years but they were essential.

Not working may not be an option or even the right solution for you but
I would advise you get out to groups and make every effort at school to make friends and contacts to give you some support network.

no advice but in the same boat. Trying for number 2 at 40, number 1 is 20 months old and we live away from family. We are surviving but it’s been tough when my little boy has been sick, and he’s had a lot of sickness since starting nursery. Just going for it and hopefully getting the tough years out of the way quickly. X

We only have 1. It’s a big reason we will likely stick at 1 or wait several more years.

Ds is 2 years. Bar the odd 1hr when neighbour has watched him when I had hospital appointment, Ds had been with Dh or myself 24/7 since he was born. No family

Ds starts nursery in the Autumn, and we will likely throw money at some extra childcare ie babysitter at some point

Also learn to br happy alone.
Society tells us that we must have full social lives.

I spend almost every night alone. And I love it.

After about a week of lockdown and furlough I started to feel infringed on :D