What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done and how do you live with yourself?

[Threebutterflies]

I’ve done some really bad stuff in my life . Made a right mess of it really. The worst was having an abortion when I was 35 years old. I find it hard to live with myself and am on anti depressants. I’ve tried really hard since then not to mess anything up but now am drinking more and more to help numb the pain of the abortion .
How do others cope when they have done something really bad ?

Are you getting help and support with your feelings about your abortion and depression. Drinking will not be helping you. Do you want to talk about it.

Please be kind to yourself. You have nothing to punish yourself for 🌺

i know this sounds like a mumsnet cliche but have you had any counselling/ spoken to your gp?

You have every right to make a choice on what happens with your body, so I hope you can let go of the guilt and be kind to yourself.

Thanks for your kind replies ! I guess to me it’s unforgivable and I regret it every single day. But my view on abortion and life has changed a lot recently. But just want to know other people’s experiences how do you actually live day to day if you’ve done something bad?

You haven’t given an example of something ‘bad’ you have done.

@BlanketsBanned

No I’m on a waiting list but Have never spoken about it. It was a very traumatic experience.

@ChiefInspectorParker
Thankyou so much . I’m not addicted to alcohol but the tablets weren’t numbing the pain so I just started drinking again . Instead of sitting here thinking about what happened when I’m abit drunk I think oh well who cares . And it gets rid of that horrible feeling of guilt in my stomach

You say it was a very traumatic experience - wasn't that enough punishment in itself? Why are you continuing to punish yourself? Who does it help? You did what you had to at the time, you might make a completely different choice now but you can't compare the two. You're a different person in a different place now.

I think the best ways to deal with things are to get them out, writing about them or talking about them. For me the big thing also is learning from them, learn from your mistakes and make different choices next time - what more can you do than that?

No-one goes ahead with a termination unless they have good reasons. I've done it. I found it hard to come to terms with it in the early years, but I've forgiven myself for it now. It takes time.
I didn't do it for the same reason you are posting about, but it might be useful to you to access some counselling via you local NHS well-being service. You can refer yourself - I did it, and I've found the service very helpful.
Be kind to yourself.

I have done some really shameful and destructive things when experiencing symptoms of a MH condition. I spent years perpetuating the shame. After much wasted time I finally understand that I need to be happy so I do little things like just getting some fresh air and appreciating life. I read a book, listen to a podcast, anything that can distract! Life is too short, please don't waste it.

I'm sorry it causes you so much sadness and regret.
Accepting a decision made that causes you to feel unhappiness is difficult. You're maybe stuck in a loop.
You are allowed to feel sad about abortion but torturing yourself over a decision you can not alter is cruel. You need to find a way to come to peace with that decision. Counselling will help. I promise.

The best I can suggest OP is to try to have compassion for the person you were at the time you made that decision. I flirted with a friends on/off boyfriend on one evening but absolutely nothing happened. One of her friends told her & I still feel shite years later. In my defence I was in a terrible place at the time and didn't even fancy him because he was an alcoholic jerk. I did apologise but I still feel bad. All I can do is be mindful of the terrible place I was in at the time & have compassion for that.

Guess you know ADs and alcohol aren’t a good mix. Get where your coming from to numb the pain but mixing both isn’t helping

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling like this, and obviously your feelings are valid, but having an abortion is not a bad or evil thing to have done. Was it your choice? Did someone pressure you into it? I have also had one and I don’t feel the same as you at all, quite the opposite, but I appreciate that’s not going to help you. Can you afford private counselling?

I have done things I think are bad and for me the key to moving on is being remorseful and recognising that I feel bad about it but focusing my efforts on growing as a person. I don’t think abortion is anything to feel bad about but you could similarly aim to come to a place of acceptance with your feelings.

Op, please don't feel bad. You really didn't do anything to beat yourself up about. Sending a big hug. You need to take care of yourself.

OP, please don't be too hard on yourself. We can only make choices based on the circumstances at that time.

Why you have to regret it. I’m sure you have your reason. I did abortion once when in my early 20s. I still in university and have long road ahead of me. I’m not regret it tiny bit. Because i have my reason.

i dont think i have any regrets.

I'm finding the responses on this thread very useful as I am very similar to the OP. I had a tfmr nearly 8 years ago and I've never been able to rid myself of the guilt. I used to be a Catholic, so that's why I feel guilty about my termination. OP I understand what you are going through

In situations like this, I find it useful to imagine what I would say to my friend if they told me they'd done what I had.

Have the same empathy and respect for yourself as you would a good friend in the same situation.

No words of wisdom I’m afraid just wanted to send you a hug xx

Hey OP, I’ve been through similar. Twice. It was horrendous and it felt like the world was caving in on me, whilst everyone was just carrying on their lives like normal and mine was on a painful repetitive pause. I know how you’re feeling and it’s so tough. Gut wrenching at times. Please don’t go through this alone - do message me if you ever want to chat as I’d love to listen ❤️

I decided to have a termination, so know how you feel. I felt utterly bleak and completely alone. In the end I miscarried, but I absolutely would have gone through with it because no other choice seemed possible. I imagine it was the same for you.

i actually feel worse about hurting a friend, who didn’t deserve to be hurt.