What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done and how do you live with yourself?

[Threebutterflies]

I’ve done some really bad stuff in my life . Made a right mess of it really. The worst was having an abortion when I was 35 years old. I find it hard to live with myself and am on anti depressants. I’ve tried really hard since then not to mess anything up but now am drinking more and more to help numb the pain of the abortion .
How do others cope when they have done something really bad ?

You're not religious, OP so you have no reason to believe that having a baby is a miracle.

I do think miracle babies (after loss, or infertility) are amazing, but the phrase in general irks me because it makes people like my lovely beautiful friend who can't have children believe her life will never be complete.

I am going to be hard here. Your dad died because he had a cancer that made his body stop working. He would have died whether you had a baby or not. I imagine your father just wanted you to be happy, and that doesn't mean "with" baby.

I believe in karma myself, but karma is all about intentions. Good intentions, as opposed to good actions.

And for what its worth, if there is a god, we have free will.

And as cold as this may sound, ain't no-one going to hell for having an abortion, otherwise the majority of women would be there. You are far from alone.

@stopwaitingforpermissiontobeyou
at what point did you decide your life (because ultimately my dear, you are killing yourself. Slowly and at great length but you are poisoning yourself) was worth less than a foetus? If the crime of ending life (that hadn't began) is so great that you must hate yourself forever, why is it OK to do it to you?

And let's take the view that abortion is wrong, that it's a bad thing to do. How long will you punish yourself for? 5 years? 10? 20

so for your first question I’d say over the last 3 months. My view on abortion has changed and therefore feel like i should be ‘punished’ . I used to think of it as just another part of birth control but now I just feel like a Murderer . I think in Malta the sentence is 3 years for an abortion so I guess 3-5 years . And now in America there saying up to life in prison . Because I do have kids to look after I’m glad there’s not a prison sentence in this country although if there was I’d never of had an abortion anyway. Secondly I don’t think my
life is less or more important than the life of the foetus. We were both equal . I just made a terrible choice that I will always regret and alcohol is the only way to get rid of the pain .

And also I’m in no way saying a women who has an abortion is bad or a murderer or anything like that . That’s just how I feel about myself. I know it’s not rational .

@Staynow @HellyR
thankyou so much for your replies . Yes I don’t know why she said such a thing . Not only that she told one of her friends about the abortion , the then asked if she could come to the clinic as well like it was a day out ! I was so angry I didn’t even say she could tell anyone it was private information. In fact now I’m writing this down I actually can’t believe what she did and it’s making me even more angry now .it was one of the worst days of my life and there treating it as a day out ? Wtf ! Then she was the reason my kids found out which is the last thing I wanted to happen . It was all just such a mess I just can’t get over it

I get the alcohol to blot it out thing.

Ignore the law. There's no sense to that.

It's illegal to commit suicide. Do with that what you will.

If you believe your life and the foetus to be equal, then why are you killing yourself for putting yourself first?

Who knows why I do anything I do . It’s a mystery to me !

that, i get. and if you knew me IRL, youd be laughing at me the dalai lama lecturing on self destruction!

I too have had an abortion, many many years ago and I don't feel good about it but I in no way feel like it was a bad thing or the worst thing I have ever done. I've done far, far worse.

@stopwaitingforpermissiontobeyou
lol . And have you managed to change now and how did you do it ? The problem is with me I keep doing the same bad stuff over and over , even if I hate doing it ????

@CornishGem1975
really ? Maybe it’s just what we each consider as being bad then . I guess it was my behaviour and other stuff I did leading up to the abortion as well as the abortion it’s self that I find so bad. But I guess to someone else they might consider drugs for example being worse. I wrote the post really to find out people's coping mechanisms and how they get on with life after .

She sounds worse and worse! You deserve better.

No. Less often, but it's still my coping mechanism, over a similar thing - something I hate myself for.

@Threebutterflies - this "friend" of yours isnt the reason you didnt originally consider it murder but now do, is she...?

@stopwaitingforpermissiontobeyou
no she isn’t . Her comment put something in my head that wasn’t there before which is really annoying. But the murder thing is just something I think of myself. I don’t consider abortion murder , only in my own case. She’s very religious now my friend so I’m not sure what she feels about abortion . Although she’s had 4 herself so can’t really say anything to me .

Sounds to me as if shes influenced most of this. Fuck her.

OP be kind to yourself. Your friend was very wrong to say that to you.
Live a good life with and for your children. 💐

My experience. It would be an odd person that feels good about an abortion.

What would not have been good would've been to have proceeded with a pregnancy I did not want or the life that child would have had.

I am grateful to have been allowed a choice and I have no regrets.

I used that choice to build the life I wanted so when I did have a child it was a good decision and they have the life I wanted for my child.

Your decision was not bad. Please seek the help you need to rationalise your choice, which was made with the best information you had at that time.

I wish you peace.

I stalked someone, when I was a lot younger and very mentally unwell. I bothered his friends and family, bombarded him with phone calls and wouldn't let it drop. I was convinced I needed to apologise for an abusive message I'd written him, and couldn't see past my own guilt and pain to the effect I was having. It must have been awful for him, and his partner.

I had a full mental and physical breakdown and was very ill for some years. I had a lot of therapy and recovered, at which point I knew full well how terribly I had behaved. I coped with the regret and guilt by 1) never, ever contacting him again, despite the fact that I still wanted to apologise; I accepted that my need to be forgiven wasn't the important thing; his right to be left the hell alone superseded it utterly, 2) never, ever, doing anything like that again, to anyone. I worked hard to deal with my horrendous childhood and develop healthy boundaries and better ways of managing conflict. I've brought my children up to be respectful and mindful of other people's space. It's all I can do.

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP, at all. You haven't been cruel to anyone or caused any pain. Be kinder to yourself

@Greensleeves
thankyou . I am glad your doing better now . How did you find help when you had your breakdown ? Did you have to pay for it yourself or was it nhs ?

@100problems @catandcoffee
thankoyou for your kind words it means a lot to me 💐

I was quite lucky initially in that I was in my final year at university, so I could access really good counselling through their system. I had therapy on the NHS later on - things weren't quite as dire in terms of MH provision then as they are now. I also started on antidepressants and was later diagnosed with ME, fibromyalgia, CPTSD and anxiety disorder. Knowing more about what my issues were helped me to work through them, and although it was a long road things did get better.

Thank you for responding, I was worried I had derailed your thread with my personal stuff, but from your OP I thought you wanted others' experiences as well as sympathy . I hope things improve for you as well, and that you'll take on board all of us saying that you have NOTHING to feel guilty about xx

@Greensleeves
hiya
no that’s what I wanted really to hear other people’s experiences and how they cope after. This is my second day without alcohol and I’m struggling abit now . The messages on here have really helped me . But in my heart I’ll never get over my past and drinking just helps me feel better