What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done and how do you live with yourself?

[Threebutterflies]

I’ve done some really bad stuff in my life . Made a right mess of it really. The worst was having an abortion when I was 35 years old. I find it hard to live with myself and am on anti depressants. I’ve tried really hard since then not to mess anything up but now am drinking more and more to help numb the pain of the abortion .
How do others cope when they have done something really bad ?

I did something really bad. I coped by "punishing" myself, by not taking any pride in anything I achieved and deliberately sabotaging opportunities for myself. I wouldn't recommend this and hope you can reach some peace within yourself.

"There is so much of my past self I don't resonate with anymore, but I love her just the same. She was growing. She was doing her best. She fought hard to get me here". (Unknown)

I have done some really stupid things in past. But God forgave me and hit the delete button.

I couldn't possibly admit to the worst things I've done on here. OP you have done nothing wrong. You haven't hurt anybody (though it is sad that you yourself are so hurt)

Please forgive yourself, not because you have done something bad but because you think that you have.

Hugs x

@Youwiththeglasses
there really helping me too. I’m not religious so I don’t regret it for that reason . But I wasn’t expecting such kind responses on here either! I’m going to keep reading them to try and help me

@Threebutterflies I’m sorry you feel this way. It sounds like you’re being hard on yourself. Life isn’t very straightforward and sometimes we have to make difficult decisions. Alcohol won’t help you cope, for me it just temporarily numbed feelings and enhanced depression. I think you need support to deal with negative feelings. Hugs

There was no need for that response.

OP, I've been there. Not the abortion, but feeling so bad about something you self destruct. It's an awful road. Please ask for help.

Just typed out a long response and it got deleted ☹️☹️☹️
will try again !

@Hell0daisy
thankyou I would like to talk about it .
this was actually my second termination and I think that’s why I can’t forgive myself . I feel like I was given a second chance and I blew it. I was on contraception the second time and still got pregnant. My friend who came with me to the clinic said ‘ this baby must really want to have been born ‘ and that’s always stuck with me and made me feel worse. I’d never thought of it like that before and I was in absolute turmoil whether to have the abortion as I really didn’t want to .

Then also on some of the threads on here the women says she got pregnant on contraception or morning after pill and they kept the baby and it’s there miracle baby . That’s always gut wrenching for me when I read it to . The next thing is my cut off point was always 35 and I would have been 35 when I had it . And most of all my kids found out about the pregnancy so the whole thing was just absolutely traumatic for me. After I had the abortion my dad got terminally ill with cancer and died 2 months after the baby would have been born . At first I felt it was a sign I should of had the baby as he would have got to meet all his grandkids .

But then because I believe in karma I now think maybe he died because it was punishment for me having the abortion as I was sent the baby as a miracle and I killed it . I’m not religious but I’m scared I’m going to hell now for what I did. I spend all day every day wishing I could go back in time an d keep the baby.
btw I know I probably sound like a complete loon for what I just said but it’s what goes round my mind . I’ve never actually told anyone any of this before though .

OP please don't torture yourself. You wouldn't have gone into the termination lightly, you did it because you felt you had no choice and that was the best thing for you and your body and life. Your are NOT a bad person, you re a normal person that something bad has happened to. Please have counselling. I hope you have some friends or relatives who can support you too.

My friend who came with me to the clinic said ‘ this baby must really want to have been born'

Oh my god, that is one of the worst things I can imagine to say! Is she a complete cow?

Foetuses don't 'want' anything. There is no magical baby puppet-mastering the cells in your body. You relied on contraception because you did NOT want to have a child, and it failed you. You were let down by it. Life is not fair.

Please don't compare your situation to other women in different situations. Many, many women have been let down by contraception and had abortions. It doesn't at all mean it's a bad thing to do.

Oh OP, you're projecting onto all these things.

When your friend said that the baby must have really wanted to be born it just wasn't true. The baby was just a collection of cells with no ability to decide what it did or didn't want. What actually happened was that your contraception failed for whatever reason and that's why you got pregnant. It is no deeper than that, although your friends comment was thoughtless at best IMO.

Your dad's illness was not related to what you did in any way. There was no sign, just really bad timing after what you had already been through.Why would the universe choose to make your dad ill to punish you? Why not just give you cancer? Just think if people died every time one of their relatives did something that was less than perfect. People would be dropping dead all over the place.

Having two terminations don't make you a worse person, they weren't two chances they were two times where things weren't right or went wrong and you did what you had to. It sounds like this is taking over your life a bit though OP, and maybe you are getting a bit obsessed with it/over thinking/intrusive thoughts? It might be worth speaking to your GP about it and seeing if you can get some help there. Anti depressants might be worth thinking about too.

Op try not to torture yourself. But to answer your question- I have done many absolutely awful things. And I ruminate often. It feels bad but I notice that I also do lots of really good things too. We all have to struggle through life and our circumstances are all different. The bottom line is you will have to come to terms with this and recognise that at the time you made the decision that you felt was the right one.

Oh I’m so sorry ❤️❤️ Comments really do stick don’t they? For my second, there was a nurse escorting me to the operating theatre and I (perhaps stupidly?) said that I understood the process because I’d been through this before. Their reply was “well maybe next time you want to be more careful” thise words genuinely hit me in the gut like a bullet. Like I wasn’t already going through absolute turmoil making the decision and taking myself there. I remember wishing I could just run out and run away and I just stared at the door, I didn’t want to be there at all it fucking killed me but I just knew I couldn’t give a baby the life it deserved. jt was like a constant battle between my head and heart :( hated it. There was 2 years between both my terminations, it wasn’t like I was queuing up at reception every Sunday morning so I’ve never forgotten that comment the nurse made and it’s been almost ten years.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, sounds cliche but yeah, I look back now and know that I honestly made the best decision. I didn’t feel it at the time nor for a long while after, but I know my life is how it’s meant to be right now because I made those 2 horrible decisions. It’s just a shame I had to experience such intense heartbreak to get to this point. (Sorry, not to make this all about me but hopefully you can draw some similarities from my story and feel even some slight ease to know you’re not alone)

I’ll message you shortly 🥰 you can offload whatever you want/need to me, I’ll listen 🤍

OP, you'll get lots of wonderful advice (and have done on this thread), so please stick with us. It's something I can't help with unfortunately, amd regardless of anyone's opinions of abortion that won't help you.

However, might you consider a separate thread or access to support in real life for your drinking, self destruction in general? (If it helps, now that I can help with!)

Hi OP. I have been through this too and I have never known darkness like it. I tried to take my life multiple times. You did not do a bad thing, though. Was this recent? It took me a few years to come to terms with it. Do you have children and if not do you want them?

ive done some awful things. I live with myself because I have no choice a lot of the time but I also try and remember that we are all flawed. That is human nature.

@Hell0daisy
thankyou for the reply . Wow what an absolute horrid women she was saying that to you . Really unprofessional to. I to would have been upset for ages about a comment like that . I also just wanted to run out of there and in fact I did the first time I went as really didn’t want the abortion. I had to go back again . It sounds like you were the same as me , in turmoil and your heart and head saying different things . It’s only now years later I realise it was the wrong decision for me . If only I’d have known at the time ! ☹️

Can't say, I'd probably go to jail.

@Whattpdo1
hi I’m sorry to hear that . I felt suicidal but never actually attempted it as I do have children. I’m now on anti depressants just so I can get by . Do you have children ? Did you get much help when u attempted suicide ? It seems very hard to get help these days

@stopwaitingforpermissiontobeyou
hi thanks for the reply . Yes I’m getting some great replies and advice and feel like it’s starting to help abit . I’ve decided not to drink any alcohol today as it’s getting to much now plus I can’t afford it.
id love some help with my self destructing as I’ve done it all my life and I have loads of questions about it to !

Ask away
I'm not an expert, but it's something I am no stranger to myself

@Threebutterflies re the abortion, I am not much use as I haven't had one and I'm very pro choice..

I have a hard question to ask, you don't need to answer.

You conceived what was effectively a pre-life, andyou made the decision that you didn;t want to go ahead with that. Now for whatever reason you made that choice, you made the right one for you. There are thousands and thousands of children in care because people listened to idiots that told them what to do (and where are they now for these young lives brought into the world?) because they couldn't make what is effectively one of the most UNselfish choices you will ever make.

You are a human. a daughter. Maybe a sister, or a brother. A colleague. A friend. A partner? an ex partner? someone loved.

at what point did you decide your life (because ultimately my dear, you are killing yourself. Slowly and at great length but you are poisoning yourself) was worth less than a foetus? If the crime of ending life (that hadn't began) is so great that you must hate yourself forever, why is it OK to do it to you?

And let's take the view that abortion is wrong, that it's a bad thing to do. How long will you punish yourself for? 5 years? 10? 20?

They let cold blooded murderers out in a handful of years sometimes with mitigating circumstances. Read that again.