To ask how parents fit it all in after school?

[Popeee17]

I'm a sahp/carer. Both my children have sen, which probably changes things. Dp works long hours often til late but is a hands on dad.

we live 5 minutes away from school (both go mainstream for now!) so no travelling involved. we are home by 3.20 ish.

by the time we get home, I empty bags, I wipe over shoes (muddy rural areas so always lagged), clean out drinks bottles, lunch boxes etc, laundry, cook dinner for kids , clean up and bath time, see to the dog, it's already bed time and I've barely had time to eat myself and often skip dinner (Dp works shifts where he is quite often not home at dinner time, kids always eat !) Quite often this time of year we go to the park for 20 minutes after school too. We rarely go out anywhere after school!

But I still find it a massive massive rush. Routine is important here too though.

other parents I know work til late, other kids go to clubs after school (not just meaning the school clubs, often sports clubs out of the village), brownies, rainbows etc. Other parents drive quite far to get their kids to and from school. One parent I know drives her kids here from over 30 minutes away (they used to live here and she wanted to keep them in school here). I'm in awe of her, her kids go to lots of clubs, she then has to pick up her secondary age kids and her hubby from work. Yet still manages it all. She seems to have it all together.

my question is, do other parents find the afternoons after school hard work or is it just me?! I appreciate that others may think j have a lot of time on my hands being a sahp but it's just non bloody stop. I struggle to relax until everything's done.

my kids are full on though and do lack independence, which doesn't help. They can't really do a huge amount for themselves, even going to the toilet so I'm up and down and back and forth a lot. I'm bloody exhausted.

things are certainly less full on when Dp is on an early shift and home for the afternoon school run! An extra pair of hands makes a huge difference!

what's your afternoon routine after school?

I don't know how people who both work full time do it. We don't commute, both work locally, and I only work 3 days a week. We have 3 primary aged children.
Mon, work, swimming at 6pm
Tues, work
Weds, ballet at 4.30pm
Thurs, work, swimming at 6pm
Fri
No idea how people fit in more clubs than this. It feels so busy and we only have 3 clubs between 3 dc! And then I find feeding them so tricky on those days.
I do feel like I rush around from 7am - 9pm every day. I don't want to get any busier.

I've given up on ironing. I used to iron everything but I've given up now. I think a massive factor for me is that I can't relax, can't relax until everything on my to do list is done. I struggle to leave the dishes, I struggle if things aren't efficiently organised in my mind for the next day. I spend all day doing housework then it just all starts again when they get home. I try and be efficient, like I will put laundry away when the kids are in the shower and lunch boxes will be made.

does not help that we on a strict bedtime routine with Ds at the minute! I feel like everything has to be done before we start that.

I like everything to be done before the next morning to be ready to go.

our mornings are actually totally different. Usually much more chilled than the afternoons 😅

All prep done whilst they're in school and nursery.

I do washing and ironing when they're all out the house. I also get dinner started before I start school run. We eat 4pm, so it gets all the drudgery out the way with the dishes really early. Light supper around 6pm for wee ones, older ones eat whenever they want if peckish.

Bath/shower for wee ones every other night. Cuts down workload.

I make sure I have minimal amount to do after school run because I sometimes have soiled garments to wash from youngest.

DH finishes work 3pm which makes a massive difference.

OP you need to do as much prep during the day as possible or you will continue to find it tough. I hardly get a seat during the day because of all the prep but it means I have more free time every evening.

I don't really get it... two loads of laundry could still be done when you're alone during the day, surely? Alongside any other cleaning, prepping of the evening meal etc. Admittedly I only have 1 DC, but I work full time and also have 2 large dogs to walk, feed, etc and I can't honestly say my life feels that hectic. Not gloating, I'm just a bit baffled about what's taking up all of your evening.

Sadly I do not have the space or money for a dishwasher!

i usually do a load of laundry in morning then again in evening, it just doesn't stop. Both get lagged at school so require full set of uniform each day amongst other things!

I wonder if you are hard on yourself and your standards are too high?
also (contrary to what you might think) if you keep yourself busy busy all day and all evening with no down time everything seems so overwhelming.

a few thoughts: why 2 loads of laundry a day? Are your standards too high with laundry? It won’t harm for some things to be worn more than once such as jumpers/jeans.
can your meals be made really simple? And you shouldn’t skip meals for lots of reasons.

Would any of the following be worth a try? DC having school dinners? Employ Dog Walker for one walk a day so you don’t have to sort the dog both in the day and evening? Agree certain tasks between you and dp when he is on earlies. Maybe you could go to gym or cafe for an hour one evening a week? Or could you all go out for a walk or soft play or swim after school.

You sound a little as if you are martyring yourself to household drudgery. If you had time to yourself with pleasurable activities this would perhaps make you feel less pressured with everything you have to do.

I work full time shifts so have had to seriously lower standards and prioritise what is needed. So for example after a late shift I just chuck a load of laundry on and make sure there is clothes and food for the morning.

yes some of parenting is very tedious and relentless so why not try to build some enjoyment into the afternoons when you are all home?

It sounds as if the impact of your dcs' additional needs means they are less independent than many other dc, so there is no point in comparing that aspect but I agree with everyone else about prepping during the day. If you are only 5 mins from school, you must have a good 6 hours every day to sort the dinners. Laundry cannot seriously take all day.

Many folk manage to work 40 hours and cook, clean, wash, etc
In your circumstances I would have all the meals prepped, and eat with the dc, and let your dp heat his up when he comes in.
I'm not suggesting you do the vacuuming when your dc are in bed, but things like wiping over their shoes is hardly noisy, and prepping veg / batch cooking a couple of meals one night isn't going to disturb your dc.

I literally don't stop all day either! I don't seem to stop from when I get up at 5.45 ish until I go to bed! It just never ends 😪

I think an important factor to add is that often after school my son is so overwhelmed by his day at school that the first 30/60 minutes is his calming down time which on certain days is extremely stressful when he's thrashing himself around the house not knowing what to do with himself. He's on a strict bedtime routine at the minute and in bed by 8 to be asleep by 9-9.30 and I can't do anything after this point (have to stay upstairs nearby usually as I'm doing currently)!

Ok, the two washes a day sounds pretty excessive but we have to accept that you know what mess is being made!

It does read as high standards. I know that the more people are in a house the more mess they make, so being out the house all day at school and work makes less mess and means less housework.

But what are you doing with those 6 hours they are at school? I mean this as a genuine question. Are you hoovering and mopping everyday or something? Changing the bed sheets every few days?

I just think it would be interesting for you to break down everything you are doing every day and see if there’s stuff that can give a bit.

What are you doing during the day that's making you so busy?! I've been a SAHM, part time worker and now full time worker and I may well get flamed for this but being at home was by far the easiest option of them all particularly when the dc were in school.
I'd get all my housework, washing, life admin and dinner prep done during the day and still have free time for myself.
I'm not meaning to be goady op but I honestly can't see how your days can be hectic and full all the time?

We meal plan based on the school dinners for the week and what activities we have on different nights. I use the slow cooker a lot, have things prepped and ready to go the night before once the kids are in bed. We all eat the same thing although some nights dh and I have it heated up later.
Muddy shoes live on the mat. They do not get to walk about in them trailing mud in. They don't leave the porch! If they are really muddy I will be sending them to school in wellies the next day anyway as our playground can be like a marsh! I've given in and bought dd2 a second coat because that child is a mud magnet. With the best will in the world I can't get it washed and dried in time for her to wear it the next day.
The kids know that homework must be done on certain nights otherwise it will be a struggle.
We have different bags pre packed for different activities so on busy nights they can just swap bags and leave.
I get the kids to organise their bags themselves. They both are heavily involved in a hobby and spend a lot of hours there. It drives me bonkers all the running around but they are very dedicated and love it. I'd never stop them going. I'm very thankful for car shares back and forth so that I'm not always driving.

Surely you can do some of those things in the day? Like cooking dinner?

I had a friend who was similar ‘never stopped’ ‘I never get a minute’ ‘can’t sit down’. Completely appreciate the SEN and hats off to you as must be tough. What i noticed with my friend is, at points in the day where I’d sit and have a peaceful cup of tea she would start getting up and dithering- doing bits of washing up, randomly cleaning our a cupboard, running round dusting when it wasn’t needed. You cannot fill 5:45-8pm with every minute doing a task. Come home from the school run and watch homes under the hammer and have a biscuit. Give yourself 2-3 to chill out before you collect the kids. Running around constantly isn’t good for anyone and it’s no wonder you’re tired

I was wondering this too. WFH makes life much easier as now I can run the hoover round or do some washing up at lunch and don't lose time to commuting but other than those small things all domestic/child focused stuff happens before and after school. I'm not sure really how you have any housework or cooking that really needs to be done after school when you have 6 hours to do it while the kids are at school.

What does your daytime list look like, maybe we could help you trim that down so that after school all yo7 need to do is heat up/finish off dinner and look after the kids.

I work part time from home and study part time but do as much of the domestic drudge as I possibly can during the day in between those to avoid full afternoons. I also have quite low standards I think. Not much chance of 2 loads of laundry a day but I will hoover, iron uniforms, change beds, prep a lasagne or something for tea, or whatever bits need doing. I'll happily overlook an overflowing laundry basket for a day or two (or more 😬). We have lots of uniform that lasts the week, mostly picked up cheap from second hand school sales.

Afternoons are down time for me and the kids to chat, watch TV, do homework, have tea, etc. DH gets home around 6-6.30 and the kids wind down, have a bath if needed, start to get ready for bed, me and DH normally eat later. They dont do clubs other than the occasional school one tagged on to the end of the day and finished by 4ish. We tried it but it was too full on and my kids need the time to unwind.

I do the big clean on a Saturday , that helps. Bedding is changed and washed, and the bathroom bleached, upstairs is also hoovered. This tends to happen between 2 and 6pm after Saturday morning activity is done.

So in the week I don't really have to tidy as such as I do a bit every night the house never gets messy. I never go to bed with dirty dishes (don't have a dishwasher) and the kitchen surfaces are cleaned every night.

Washing I'm lazy here, I have a washer dryer, so at 7pm when everyone is in pajamas I put the washer dryer on overnight, I then fold and put these away after tea the following day and load it again for the evening. Clothes go straight in the washer dryer no laundry baskets in my house. Prevents me from stockpiling dirty clothes. 🤣

I have 3 DC age 13, 3 and 8m. I'm on maternity/parental leave (prob for another 8-10 months, not UK)

DS1 gets home from school at about 3 and disappears off into his room maybe with a snack/drink.

We get home from nursery at about 5pm and DS2 needs to go to bed by about 6:30/7 ideally, so he has a small snacky type dinner most days (eats a main meal at nursery) or DH prepares something simple while we're on the way home or I do something in the slow cooker, or prepare a big pan to be chucked in the oven an hour or so before we get back.

So it tends to be get home/eating then either a bath or DH will sit on the floor with them and then we put the younger two to bed (one each) and make dinner for the rest of us. Often we are a bit exhausted so all 3 do individual things, DS1 likes to cook for himself. If I've done a "proper" meal then we might all eat at about 5 or it might be something people can grab when they feel hungry.

Never do anything after school/nursery except maybe a walk or wander to the park. Everyone's exhausted and it wouldn't fit in.

I do laundry during the day. DH tends to do a bit of tidying, dishwasher etc in the evening after bedtimes.

Maybe buy more uniform so you're not having to wash it so much? We do clubs four nights a week. Come home from school, have snack, go out, get younger DC on way back, have dinner, bedtime routine. I do washing in the mornings before work and tumble it when I get back. DP does the kitchen and cooking. Or I do it.
It sounds like you want to be constantly on top of everything every minute which is fine but it does sound tiring.

I have friends like that too. Their house is admittedly slightly tidier and cleaner than mine but having watched them, a lot of it is “make work” like wiping cupboards,
as you say.

Part of it is mentality - it’s turning something brief into a “job” in your head, making it more than it is. So for example, today I paid DCs school trip and dinner money while I was in an online meeting, and then compared pet insurance while I was on hold to the doctors. I didn’t sit down and think, “right, now I have to spend X minutes doing school admin, and another Y minutes doing pet admin”, which is what my friend does: she makes it a Job with a capital,
not something to be slotted in to life because it’s just a small, boring part of everyday life.

I suspect it’s really easy to turn 5 minute jobs into something that feels bigger than it is. I’m saying this not to get at you, OP, but to say if you stop and work out what you are doing with your day, there’s probably more time there than you think.

i agree with others it sounds like you wash things far too often.

Do the kids ever wear the same clothes more than once? That would help with the washing. I’d also buy more school uniform if I meant cutting out some of the loads of washing to give you more time in the day.

I also wouldn’t do bathtime everyday. Kids don’t need to be bathed every day.

I don’t see why you can’t meal prep during the day, that would save time just having something you have to heat up.

How old are DC? Could they be more involved eg. Wipe out their own lunch boxes etc?

So, during a typical school day, what do you do?

Back from school run, load of washing hung out (?) and then…?

I think you should accept your afternoons are full-on with 2 DC with SEN. That’s unavoidable and comparing yourself to other people with easier kids or different routines isn’t ultimately helpful.

However, you really MUST hack your daytimes to lower your standards or prioritise some rest and make sure you’re being fed and looked after too.

@Popeee17 kids with ASD here too, that's the issue isn't it, lack of independence, and high standards your side isn't helping the exhaustion either (I get it, I can't relax either until it's all done). I'm always in awe of people who can't wear their kids out as mine are overloaded by 2pm on a good day!

OT said to me to put effort into labelling dcs' things like crazy, and having visual timetables for things they need to do (so a visual process flow for all the parts of a shower, including the when), a timetable/visual chart for loo steps, bag prep, bedtime routine etc.