Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Would your ask you parents permission to Marry

74 replies

SouthMan28 · 03/05/2022 20:25

I'm looking at preposing to my girlfriend soon as we've been in a relationship for 4 years and we're both 30.

Would you ask the parents to have a blessing in marrying your other half or do you think it's old fashioned and we don't need to approach the parents for a blessing anymore?

OP posts:
Traumdeuter · 03/05/2022 20:26

Old fashioned.

but also, propose to your girlfriend because you adore her and can’t imagine life without her, rather than because you’ve hit an age and stage.

MadameDragon · 03/05/2022 20:27

I wouldn’t marry anyone who asked my parents for permission before they asked me as our ideas would be too far apart

pinkyredrose · 03/05/2022 20:27

It's old fashioned, I'd be horrified if my parents were asked before me. Do you think she/they would appreciate it?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 03/05/2022 20:27

There's no consensus, you need to diss her out if it's something she'd like. I'd have hated it but nearly everyone I know did it.

ImInStealthMode · 03/05/2022 20:27

It depends on the parents, and the partner.

My friend was extremely touched that her partner asked her Mum & Dad (by letter, he had to have it translated into their native language), whereas I laughed when my soon to be DH hypothetically asked if he should ask my parents.

Solosunrise · 03/05/2022 20:28

I guess you could, to honour tradition and all that, but what would you do if they said no?
My son in law 'asked' but they had already agreed to marry so asking for her hand in marriage was just a fun way to tell us really.

FirstFallopians · 03/05/2022 20:28

DH asked

FirstFallopians · 03/05/2022 20:30

Posted too soon!DH asked if he should ask them- I said no, as I knew my dad would say no 😂 and I didn’t really care if they approved or not.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 03/05/2022 20:31

My DH was in a precarious situation where he knew my dad would expect it, but also knew I'd hate it.

He had a chat with my parents letting them know he was going to propose, but and that he hoped they were happy for us. Damn straight I'd have hated being asked permission for!

BusySittingDown · 03/05/2022 20:33

I suppose it depends whether you think her parents would appreciate it?

My DH didn't ask my mum (my dad died when I was a child) before we got engaged. When we told her she joked "well, you didn't ask me!" He joked back "but I don't want to marry you!" Grin

I think I'd be a bit surprised if my DC's future partners asked my permission to marry them. It's old fashioned and it's as if people see them as "my property" and they aren't, they are their own person.

I might change my mind if they get engaged to an arsehole though and I'd be all "noooo! They're miiine." Ha ha. I'm sure you're fine though!

Chica10 · 03/05/2022 20:33

You don’t need to approach the parents for this. She’s doesn’t need their permission or blessing. Yes, it’s a tradition but which originates from a time when the father would decide who his daughter could marry or not, given that she was his possession. Nothing romantic about that.

Good luck with your proposal!

Ponderingwindow · 03/05/2022 20:33

I wouldn’t marry someone who asked my parents for permission.

LubaLuca · 03/05/2022 20:35

Christ no, my dad would have been disappointed if a man went on like that. It was nothing to do with my parents - if I agreed to it that's good enough for everyone.

Floydthebarber · 03/05/2022 20:35

I think its old fashioned as I don't need permission to make big life decisions. But my parents were involved in parts of planning our wedding.

dudsville · 03/05/2022 20:36

You may mean well, and she and her parents might like it (you'll only know that by talking with them), but the roots of this practice are mysongistic, i.e. "old fashioned". If you wanted to carry forward the best intentions of the practice, you and your fiance could speak with your families together to ask for their support rather than their permission.

user1474315215 · 03/05/2022 20:36

Both my sons in law spoke to my DH and me to say they were intending to propose and hoped they'd have our blessing and I know my son did the same with his FIL. I know that my DDs and my DIL were touched by the gesture, as were we.

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/05/2022 20:36

This is a hideous tradition and I seriously doubt my relationship if my partner did this.

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 03/05/2022 20:37

Ponderingwindow · 03/05/2022 20:33

I wouldn’t marry someone who asked my parents for permission.

Neither would I. Its misogynistic and should be left far in the past.

Also if you're 30 and have been together for 4 years surely you live together and really her parents opinion means very little at this point.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 03/05/2022 20:37

I wouldn't have married my husband if he had asked. I'm an adult and I decide who I marry, not my parents. Women are not property to be passed from one person (man) to another person (often a man).

NrlySp · 03/05/2022 20:39

My husband asked my Dad and I found it rather charming. For me it is more joining a family than getting my Dads permission. It also gave my parents time to know about the proposal. And my father really liked being asked. Nothing wrong with getting in the good side of your future in-laws

Marblessolveeverything · 03/05/2022 20:39

Nope, last time I checked only adults can marry so treat her as such.

rahjama · 03/05/2022 20:41

Mine told them beforehand but didn't ask for permission as such. My son in law didn't and I'm glad he didn't.

cornflakedreams · 03/05/2022 20:43

It's misogynistic.

Bloatstoat · 03/05/2022 20:48

Like many PP I would not have married anyone who asked my parents if I could marry him. But I have known women who are the complete opposite and would not have married a man who didn't ask. You know your girlfriend best, what does she feel about it?

SmellyWellyWoo · 03/05/2022 22:34

Depends whether you view her as a functional adult or owned property to be passed from her dad to you.