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Original poster

Would your ask you parents permission to Marry

74 replies

SouthMan28 · 03/05/2022 20:25

I'm looking at preposing to my girlfriend soon as we've been in a relationship for 4 years and we're both 30.

Would you ask the parents to have a blessing in marrying your other half or do you think it's old fashioned and we don't need to approach the parents for a blessing anymore?

OP posts:

Banoffe · 04/05/2022 07:51

My husband had a chat with both my parents together to let them know he was going to ask me. My DM loved this!

SoupDragon · 04/05/2022 07:52

My ex did, sort of. However, he had already asked me, no way did my dad actually think he "owned" me and no way would he have said no anyway. Also, it would not have made any difference. My dad was from a generation where it would absolutely have been expected of them to ask though so it was just a nod to his... not "expectations" as such, just what would have been expected of him. Nothing to do with actual ownership whatsoever, no matter what the history.

I can't imagine my children asking at all though, they'd just announce it. These things die out.

Surely engagement rings are a sign of "ownership" too. The man putting his mark on the woman. Very few seem to complain about that.

Sniffypete · 04/05/2022 12:59

My ex asked my dad who told him no as he needed to grow up. If only he had of carried on saying no to him! Lol 😂

Carrotten · 04/05/2022 13:18

Honestly I'd have been furious if DH had asked, and probably said no. My dad has always said he would definitely say no, I think it's disrespectful to both me and my dad

It's not my dad's decision and essentially isn't really anything to do with him. Even if he was a traditionalist, his views are fairly irrelevant. It's my views that matter

An additional niggle is the fact my parents know before I do that I'm getting proposed to? And just everyone whispering and colluding and being excited for me before I even am. What if I want to say no? It makes it that bit harder to say no if it comes down to it. It's like being treated like a child rather than an adult. My parents haven't made any decisions for me since I was about 14 and even then I was given a decent say

Honestly I would take my parents thoughts on whether my partner was the right person to marry. But I would ask them, and it's still my decision. It's not a conversation to be had between the partner and my dad

Carrotten · 04/05/2022 13:21

Should my boss speak to my dad before offering me a job? To get his permission or blessing to employ his daughter? Should the estate agent speak to my dad to see if they should sell me a house?

It's ridiculous. It's my life not my dad's.

Bloodybridget · 04/05/2022 13:48

My niece's partner asked my brother for permission to propose to her - well, maybe not exactly permission, more like "hope you're ok with this". Brother was surprised and taken aback but of course said yes, delighted. It does seem old-fashioned and bowing to patriarchy to me - however I like DN's bloke and they seem very happy.

SpiderVersed · 04/05/2022 15:28

Hell no!

Women aren’t chattel these days. You don’t need the approval of her ‘current owner’.

DeliaOwens · 04/05/2022 15:57

I think it's quite an old fashioned expectation. However only you know the dynamics of their family well enough to know what their expectation is.

I was living alone before I met my now DH. Then we sold up our individual properties to buy something together. We lived together for about 5 years before marrying and I would have been horrified if he had asked my Dad for permission to marry me.

teacherorpreacher · 04/05/2022 16:20

My father was thrilled to be asked although in retrospect I wish he had said no we divorced 20 years later. I must admit I am on the fence with the asking but can I ask all the ladies that said no way I am not being passed from one man to another did your father GIVE YOU AWAY AT YOUR WEDDING?

ParsleyRosemarySage · 04/05/2022 16:29

The only person who has any authority to decide who your girlfriend marries (and has sex with) is herself.

I would not look twice at any man who thought otherwise, or speak to the father again if he thought otherwise.

ParsleyRosemarySage · 04/05/2022 16:31

I also think that it is a sign of the destruction of women’s rights, and of degeneration and decreasing ability to think in the west, that anyone, man or woman, would consider otherwise for even a second.

ParsleyRosemarySage · 04/05/2022 16:32

And no, my father did not give me away at my wedding, nor was he asked to pay for it. We had a small ceremony at the town hall with a meal for family after which cost us perhaps £150 all in.

Pbbananabagel · 04/05/2022 16:35

Forget the politics of it - what would matter most to your gf? Is SHE someone who this would matter to? My husband actually drove to another country and back in a day to ask my mum and learnt how to do it in my home language. He asked for permission to join our family rather than permission to marry me. There is a definite difference and she (as a staunch feminist) found it incredibly sweet.

IncompleteSenten · 04/05/2022 16:37

No and the end of this awful 'tradition' can't come soon enough imo

IncompleteSenten · 04/05/2022 16:38

teacherorpreacher · 04/05/2022 16:20

No.

Trivester · 04/05/2022 16:40

My friends’s dh did this and was told no. It became very awkward because she really wanted to get married and he was on a Herculean quest to win her dp’s approval.

It would have been a red flag for me, but then I could imagine my dm pointing out to dh that if he needed permission he should have asked before sleeping with me.

I’m sure my pils would have loved the opportunity to say no.

DarleneSnell · 04/05/2022 16:41

Banoffe · 04/05/2022 07:51

My husband had a chat with both my parents together to let them know he was going to ask me. My DM loved this!

Same. DH knew it's what I wanted, and it meant the world to my parents that he made that effort with them.

Bimster · 04/05/2022 16:41

This was old fashioned when I got married decades ago. Depressing to hear it’s still going.

OP, you know your girlfriend- is she likely to appreciate it? I think for 99% of women the answer will be no but she could be that 1% 🤷‍♀️

blackteaplease · 04/05/2022 16:44

I've been married 15 years and DH didn't ask my dad. My dad had made it clear on more than one occasion before DH proposed that he thought it was an outdated sexist tradition.

Topseyt123 · 04/05/2022 16:46

DH asked my Dad when we wanted to get married. It was just a gesture though. We were going to get married anyway. We just wanted to do it that way.

I would admit though that it is old fashioned. I wouldn't do it now, and if my own DDs ever get married we won't expect to be asked at all.

Magenta82 · 04/05/2022 16:54

I would refuse someone who asked my dad, I'm a person not a possession.

cookiemonster2468 · 04/05/2022 16:57

Absolutely not. I would have been very offended if my husband had done this (but anyone who actually knows me knows I would hate it... so I wouldn't be marrying him in that case!)

I think it's old fashioned and vile, it harks back to times when women were seen as 'property'. Why would you want to endorse that even if it is expected of your partner/ future in laws? Don't do it.

Carrotten · 04/05/2022 19:13

@teacherorpreacher no my dad didn't give me away. Again I'm not a possession to be given or bargained

miroo · 04/05/2022 19:52

supadupapupascupa · 04/05/2022 07:32

You don't need to ask for permission. My DH let my dad know he was going to propose and asked for his blessing.
I was touched
Dad was touched
DH felt empowered

It was exactly the same for my DH and I.

It was nothing to do with "permission" rather "I love Miroo, I'm going to propose and I hope she'll say yes"

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