I really need some school advice about my DD 12

[Lifetimelife]

I just don’t know what to do. My DD started year 7 and was allowed to choose to be with one friend from her primary. This friend has made new friends and DD hasn’t. She seems ok to talk with girls in her form during classes but as soon as the bell goes for lunch or break she’s on her own. She has spent another lunchtime on her own wandering the corridors.

I have had several conversations with her form tutor and pastoral support who tell me that feedback from her teachers is good and that In class she’s not isolated. I have tried to explain that this may all be well and good but it doesn’t translate into her having people to hang out with at lunch.

I have asked about clubs and places DD can go at lunch. I have asked if she can be put in touch with other year 7 girls (they tell me my DD is not alone and it’s a common issue) but on the phone and in emails they promise they will do things “oh yes a buddy scheme sounds good let me talk to Mr Smith about that” oh yes there are lots of clubs tell DD to check the noticeboard. I asked about if there was a safe place DD could go ie a room in school at lunch but they never answer the question.

It doesn’t help that DD is refusing to try any clubs. I found out about a lunchtime club tomorrow but she is refusing to go says she feels awkward turning up in her own. I guess I just want someone to care enough about DD that they will turn up at lunchtime and say “come on, there’s a music club in room 23 let me take you there” or put her in touch with another shy girl who goes to the club.

I just feel the school give me lip service and nothing is done. This has been going on since October!

DD is shy and this lack of friends is stripping her of any confidence. She had friends in primary and in fact was at one of her primary school friends for a sleepover on Saturday so she is capable of forming friends.

Please. If this was your DD what would you do? I’m at a loss and it’s making me feel upset on DDs behalf. I can’t cope with another day at work tomorrow knowing DD is on her own for lunch which is an hour long! I have 2 other children who I feel I’m neglecting as this issue with DD is all consuming - last night she was crying til the early hours about it.

Your poor dd. I don't really have any suggestions other than pushing the school to do more, but I just wanted to offer some sympathy. I sometimes felt like this in the early years of secondary school, and it's shit to feel like you have nobody to hang out with.

Are there some kids that she particularly gels with in classes, and if so, would she be brave enough to ask them in class if she could hang out with them at lunchtime? I know how hard it is to ask when you're afraid of rejection, but they might be quite happy to include her? My dd has thankfully never experiences friendship difficulties but I do know that her friendship group has accepted a few "waifs and strays" over the years, and in time, they have just become part of the group. Is there someone who seems kind who might be willing to help her break into an existing friendship group?

Thankyou for replying! She doesn’t feel confident about asking to join people in her form at lunch. I have asked her but she just says nobody wants her. She seems to have no confidence and zero self esteem. She really is her own worst enemy as she refuses to try the clubs and just wanders around on her own.

Can you encourage her to invite people from her class over on the weekend or after school? Encouraging the clubs. What about after school clubs?

its not that the school staff don’t care about her, it’s more that they don’t have a spare moment during the day!! Sounds extreme but sadly that’s how it is. I needed a wee for 4 hours today before I could go!

I asked my DD (who's in Year 11) for a young person perspective. She says that fundamentally your DD just needs to "put herself out there". By now she will hopefully know what sort of people might be sympathetic and who are the people that she thinks she might get on with, so she should just go and talk to them. If they are kind, they will let her join in and if they aren't, then she doesn't want to bother with them anyway.

DD also points out that she didn't have a firm friendship group until Year 9. In Year 7, people are generally open to others getting to know them.

Poor kid. I was always too scared of rejection to ask. There is no way way through it, I'm afraid. She will need to be brave.

It's easy to say it when you're not 12, but the reality is, she is going to have to take a few small risks in order to find her tribe. It is sadly unlikely that other kids will proactively invite her to join them. She has to put the work in, even if that's really hard.

If she can't ask in person, is there any way that she could strike up some conversations with some of the friendlier kids via social media? One girl started messaging my dd during the first lockdown. DD was a bit surprised at first as she hadn't really talked to her much before, but she was happy to engage. They carried on talking and, over time, it emerged that the girl was dreading schools reopening because she had grown apart from her old friends. DD encouraged the girl to come over to her group when they were back, and although she was a little shy and hesitant at first, she was welcomed into the group by the other kids.

Or are there any other kids who seem to be on their own who she could message and start talking to? People who might be really grateful for her taking the initiative?

Those early secondary years are really tough. It took me a while to find my people, but I did in the end. Keep nurturing her friendships outside of school as they will be important to her. And encourage her to focus on the positive things that she brings to a friendship...it might sound weird, but if her self esteem is really low, she might feel that she doesn't have much to offer as a friend, and she may be subconsciously projecting that across to other people.

I hope that she settles in soon and finds some nice kids to hang out with.

What about her primary school friends who aren't in her form? Where do they hang out?

Thanks for all the replies. Her primary school friends (with the exception of the girl she went into her form with) have made new friends and again she refuses to spend lunch with them as she says they have new friends and don’t want her. I don’t think this is true but who knows.

I have a DD in year 10 at the same school and she had no friends in year 7 and 8 but had loads now. She said one day she’d had enough of being on her own and forced herself to go up to a group of girls and hasn’t looked back since, so yes I agree DD has to put herself out there.

I understand the teaching staff are busy but surely pastoral support staff have more time as that is their full time job. I did say DD is not eating, not sleeping and crying on the way to school. So surely that should have made them want to do whatever they could??

Can you put your questions to the school in writing, OP, if you haven't already done so?

Email them and say that you're writing to follow up on the conversation that you had with them previously about the buddy scheme, and ask what progress has been made on this? Reiterate your question about the safe space? And make it really clear to them in writing that the current situation is having a significant negative impact on your dd's mental health, that you're trying to support her at home as best you can but that it isn't working and you really feel that some external intervention is required?

And maybe copy the email in to her form tutor, head of year etc?

But it seems your DD has some massive mental blockage if she is rejecting suggestions to join clubs, meet with old friends, make new friends and so on. There's only so much that pastoral staff can do.

Does the school have a library? That's normally a good place for shy kids to hang out at lunchtime 'helping' the librarian.

Yes I have put it in writing but the pastoral support don’t respond to my questions. I’m wondering if I should write again and maybe ask for a meeting in person. I did raise this before about meeting but they just didn’t respond.

No library

Agree about the mental blockage. There is a swimming club that 3 of her primary school friends attend on a weekend which she is going to join but that doesn’t help her with the lack of friends in school.oh it’s so frustrating! I just want her to go to a lunchtime club. I might message her at lunchtime tomorrow and tell her to go to the club. My eldest DS said she can take her to the club. Basically she just needs to give the club a go!

Your poor daughter. Y7 can be brutal for friendships - my DS had an awful time. His best friend from primary decided he wanted to get in with the 'cool' football kids and basically drove DS away by showing off to them through bullying him; his other best friend spent most of the year off sick; and he made a lovely new friend who moved schools after Christmas. It was heartbreaking, and it didn't really resolve until the ill friend came back.

Are they allowed to go into the library at your DD's school at lunchtime? A lot of the quieter/shyer kids tend to gravitate there and she might find some familiar faces in an environment where there's less pressure to inject herself into a big chatty group. POur school has a 'wellbeing hub' that kids can go to if they're struggling for whatever reason - is there anything like that at yours? Or could she use WhatsApp (or whatever they use now!) to ask one of the children she chats to in form whether she can tag along with them at lunch? That might be easier than asking face-to-face. The pastoral lead at the school really should be doing more, though. I know they're busy but this is really important.

Pastoral staff are snowed under in schools.

Your dd seems to be the block with not engaging or going to clubs. There is only so much pastoral staff can offer. At lunch time they are usually on duty so cannot accompany children to clubs.

Sorry - I see you've just said there's no library!

Good idea getting your older one to drop her off.
Once she finds her tribe and engages with them, hopefully things will improve for her.

I can’t actually believe that a school doesn’t have a library. They just have a “virtual” library apparently as I suggested to DD myself about sitting in the library pretending to do homework.

I agree with @noblegiraffe that there is clearly some kind of mental block - probably fear of rejection. But it sounds like she needs some outside help in overcoming that mental block. Does the school have a counsellor that she could talk to? Or could you afford to pay for private counselling?

She definitely needs to "put herself out there" as the pp's wise year 11 dc said, but her fear is obviously getting in the way of her doing that at the moment. So you need to help her find a way of unpicking that fear and facing it. Not waiting until she no longer feels afraid, as that time will never come.

I think it might be worth asking the school for a meeting, but I also agree that there is only so much that the pastoral support people can do. They can't make the friends for her.

Have you tried talking to her about worst case scenarios if she tried to approach someone? What is she actually afraid of? Looking like a Billy no-mates? In the nicest possible way, she looks like one already, so nothing to lose. People saying that she can't hang out with them? Well, she isn't hanging out with them anyway, so again, nothing to lose.

Sorry, that wasn't supposed to sound harsh, but sometimes I find that I get so annoyed with my younger self for all of the stupid, unnecessary blocks that I used to put in my way. I thought that they were protecting me from humiliation and social suicide, but actually they were just getting in the way of me enjoying myself. Naming her specific fears and facing them might be the only way to go.

Yes I have spoken to her about her fear of rejection and worst case scenario. I have told her that wandering around the school on her own when she could be at a lunchtime club is ridiculous. I have said a lot of people at these clubs may be there because they have no friends. I have said even sitting in the club must be less exhausting that what she currently does. I don’t know if counselling would help or just make her feel even more rubbish about herself.

spider how did you and your DS manage, it sounds like a deeply stressful time for you both.

My DD started year 7 and was allowed to choose to be with one friend from her primary.

I am not sure I understand this - who was doing the "allowing"? - is this a reciprocal choice between the 2 children? When you say "be with ehr", do you mean in the same class?

It's extremely likely that her old friends think she's off with them if she isn't looking for them or coming over to sit with them at lunch. Remind her that it's just as hard for them to approach her as it is for her to approach them.

It's so hard, but I do wish I'd been pushed out my comfort zone sooner when I was younger and realised that most people are thrilled if someone proactively wants to be their friend. It's a great life skill to have, getting over yourself and taking the first step.

I would recommend that she either confides in her oldest, closest friend that she is finding it hard, so they can help or looks for other lonely kids and sees it as doing them a favour. You can approach it like a project, notice someone on their own a lot, notice something about them (Harry potter bag, for example) start a conversation....

Good luck to your DD, I hope the club works out.

Fair enough, OP, it sounds like you're doing everything you can to help. I imagine it's exhausting for you as a parent, but it's good that your dd at least feels safe enough to offload at home. When I was a kid, I just sucked it all up and didn't tell anyone as I was ashamed to let my parents know how unlikeable I must be. If they knew, then they never let on.

I hope that going to the lunchtime club with her sibling helps, and that she finds some nice friends soon.

Could you give her very small challenges per day? Something like, tomorrow she has to sit next to someone at lunchtime and ask them a question about homework/the lesson they were in etc. Just one question should be manageable. The next day something else - approach someone she knows who goes to the club and ask them if they like it. And a reward if she completes the daily challenge!