I really need some school advice about my DD 12

[Lifetimelife]

I just don’t know what to do. My DD started year 7 and was allowed to choose to be with one friend from her primary. This friend has made new friends and DD hasn’t. She seems ok to talk with girls in her form during classes but as soon as the bell goes for lunch or break she’s on her own. She has spent another lunchtime on her own wandering the corridors.

I have had several conversations with her form tutor and pastoral support who tell me that feedback from her teachers is good and that In class she’s not isolated. I have tried to explain that this may all be well and good but it doesn’t translate into her having people to hang out with at lunch.

I have asked about clubs and places DD can go at lunch. I have asked if she can be put in touch with other year 7 girls (they tell me my DD is not alone and it’s a common issue) but on the phone and in emails they promise they will do things “oh yes a buddy scheme sounds good let me talk to Mr Smith about that” oh yes there are lots of clubs tell DD to check the noticeboard. I asked about if there was a safe place DD could go ie a room in school at lunch but they never answer the question.

It doesn’t help that DD is refusing to try any clubs. I found out about a lunchtime club tomorrow but she is refusing to go says she feels awkward turning up in her own. I guess I just want someone to care enough about DD that they will turn up at lunchtime and say “come on, there’s a music club in room 23 let me take you there” or put her in touch with another shy girl who goes to the club.

I just feel the school give me lip service and nothing is done. This has been going on since October!

DD is shy and this lack of friends is stripping her of any confidence. She had friends in primary and in fact was at one of her primary school friends for a sleepover on Saturday so she is capable of forming friends.

Please. If this was your DD what would you do? I’m at a loss and it’s making me feel upset on DDs behalf. I can’t cope with another day at work tomorrow knowing DD is on her own for lunch which is an hour long! I have 2 other children who I feel I’m neglecting as this issue with DD is all consuming - last night she was crying til the early hours about it.

My DD is similar and I totally understand that she is reluctant to just "put herself out there". Easier said than done for a shy child. I didn't have the confidence to do that until I was in my late teens.

Clubs are the best bet. Is there anyone at any of the clubs she knows? Otherwise I would start by asking her form tutor to take her along. Yes, teachers are busy (I am one) but it's part of the job and taking her into the club would only take a few minutes.

Otherwise I agree with putting it in writing and asking to be put in direct contact with the pastoral staff. Pupil's mental well-being is supposed to be too of the agenda at schools and nobody is supporting your DD at the moment when it's clear she's not able to do it by herself.

Another thought, could you contact the parent of any of her primary friends who are at the school and ask if they could have a discreet word about mayt inviting your DD for lunch?

Could you contact the person who runs the lunchtime club and speak to them about it? Does she know them? If not perhaps she could go meet them beforehand, they could tell her about it and make her feel welcome.

That's a really good suggestion.

Your over invested. She will make friends but not so much if mum has to facilitate it!

liberty I may be over invested but it’s not like I have a choice. DD is refusing to eat, crying before school, crying at bedtime, calling herself a “loner” and is generally very very unhappy. What should I do? Ignore her when she comes crying to me asking for a cuddle? Ignore the fact she’s not eating? I normally drop her at school, crying, then drive myself to work and have a cry, knowing she’s going to have a crap day.

It sounds really hard, OP. I hope you find some solutions soon.

And I am not trying to facilitate friendships I am trying to find places at school for her to go to so she isn’t wandering around the school lonely and sad.

OP, you're not overinvested. You're doing what any decent parent would do by trying to help your distressed child.

The trouble is she's turning herself into 'that kid' by not talking to anyone or joining in with anything. Which in itself is fine if she's happy with it, but she's obviously not.

It's a hard life lesson, but there's somethings that take a bit of courage and willingness to take a risk. Making the first move and risking rejection is scary, but it might be worth rehearsing with your dd what she would do if that happens. Then she's faced the worst, and anything else - much more likely - will be better and easier.

@Lifetimelife - I just tried to encourage other friendships, got him to invite people over after school, had a (godawful) birthday sleepover with a mix of new and old friends, and he was lucky that he was doing a sport two evenings a week at the time with a very supportive coach who helped to boost friendships with non-school people, but basically we limped through it and it was horrible. He wouldn't try any clubs at lunchtimes either. Towards the end of the year he went on a trip abroad and was the only Y7 going, but he made friends with two Y8 lads at the language/culture prep sessions they had beforehand, which helped a lot. He's in Y10 now and has a lovely group of friends, but my heart really goes out to you because I know how awful it was seeing him so upset. He's an only child as well, so he found it horribly isolating.

I really hope your DD manages to hook up with some nice kids soon. Sending a handhold in the meantime!

Thankyou for everyone’s advice and support. It truly is crap. Wondering why DD is like this. Not knowing what to do. Feeling helpless. Feeling hopeless. Not knowing if things will ever get better. Spending hours wondering if maybe a new school would be better but then changing schools would be stressful etc etc

When a kid is alone, they tend to watch the most popular kids &a want to join the group. But that is unlikely to work because the popular kids already have a group.

The best way to make a friend is to look for another kid who is alone. Your DD could even do this to help the other kid (ie not for herself) and to stop the other kid feeling lonely. The motivation to help someone else can be an easier starting point.

Also, give your DD some 'conversation openers'. Some standard lines to say to a new person. EG: did you like/hate that lesson we just had? Do you have a brother/sister? Aren't they annoying. I'm sure others will have better examples.

I am nearly 40, and a big part of my job is being able to go up to random groups of people and start chatting to them. It has taken me YEARS to be comfortable doing this, and even now it is sometimes nerve wracking. It is ok to be scared of putting yourself out there. But I have never yet met with a bad reception. People like talking about themselves. I’d suggest to your DD it is a lot more daunting to strike up a random conversation in say a lunch room, then at a targeted club where others have chosen to go. She can start with ‘have you Ben here before’ and go from there. Also, smiling at people is HARD but it really does help break the ice

Your over invested. She will make friends but not so much if mum has to facilitate it!

That's very unfair. The girl is deeply unhappy.

As a former secondary school teacher I think the school should have done more to help, especially as they say it's a common issue. The transition from primary to secondary was given a lot of attention where I worked, and if a parent had pointed out this situation I'm sure an effort would have been made to help her join a group of nice girls or a club. We did have a library which was a great advantage.
The music department was another haven for some children.

As your older DD is willing to help, could she see which club is led by a sympathetic teacher and ask that teacher to invite your Y7 DD to join?

I agree with this, there will be other y7s feeling the same. Ime she has to join some clubs, I had to be very hard on one of mine, I wouldn't allow them to cry everyday at home if they hadn't tried to change the narrative. We looked into the clubs and found out which teachers were running them and chose a club with a teacher that she liked and was interested in. She ended up joining several lunchtime clubs and it wasn't easy and she didn't get real friends until y9 but she did get to meet lots of people and fill her lunchtime. Fwiw those that sailed through y7 seem to have had a rocky y9 as friendships made on the desire to fit in fail.

If it is anything like my school any staff on duty - (which includes teachers, SLT, pastoral support staff) are responsible for particular areas/duties...moving children on after having been to the loo, not going into the maths block, keeping away from the science block foyer etc etc. In addition, "pastoral support staff" are often paid absolutely fuck all and they get paid extra for their lunchtime duties. So they may not actually have the capacity to sort this out for your daughter.

Like PP, I think she needs to get out there herself.

Have you considered taking her out? It sounds like she has not found her tribe and is deeply unhappy. I share your feelings of sadness for her.

In our school this would definitely be the job of pastoral support staff to sort! The Head of Year 7 would identify some friendly girls and actively ask them to do stuff with your daughter - maybe including a club.

What about her form tutor, can't remember if you've tried contacting them?

Also maybe give her something to "do" at lunchtime. Get her a rubiks cube and a "how to do it" book, a book of sudukos or crosswords, some grown up colouring. Cats cradle? If she can sit and be doing something interesting she may have people come to her. And if not at least it will make the time go quicker.

Origami - that's another thing. Small slips of paper - and an instruction book.

I am wondering whether you could try and encourage her to do the tiniest thing she can in terms of a step in the right direction and build it up day by day. For example, on day one she just has to say hello to one person who she thinks might be friendly. On day two she says hi to one other friendly person. Then on day three just build on the hello to say hello, I like your bag or something like that. Really tiny things and no pressure to continue conversation to begin with. Just adding in a tiny little bit as and when she can. Each interaction might build her confidence just enough to make another step forwards with it all.

Also as it sounds like she’s happier during lesson time maybe she could say to someone friendly - do you go to any lunchtime clubs - and then say she was thinking of going to whichever it is.

my own daughter was a bit like this in year 7 but eventually she found like minded people at choir and in library etc very quiet girl but it's about finding people like you
None of these new friends were in her form but five or six of them met up at lunch break etc in year 8 they were mixed according to ability then some were in same form as her even better
Year group split into two halves but in year 10 the two halves were finally mixed together even better as it turns out the majority of the quieter girls were in the other half of the year to her suddenly she had lots of new friends and there was a big crowd of quieter hard working like minded girls. She really started to blossom then. Then she moved to grammar for sixth form she was in her element loads of Harry Potter bookworm type girls like her
Time she went to uni she had come right out if her shell lived it she will never be the loudest girl but her confidence has come on in leaps and bounds now a primary school teacher. Hard to believe she was a quiet timid year 7 who liked stationary Harry Potter and reading still does lol so agree it's about being brave and going to a club and finding like minded people hated sports but started off going to drama and choir never looked back in sixth form she ran a Harry Potter club with girls in upper sixth at a brand new school it really is worth trying to put yourself out there easier said than done
I found with my daughter two girls that came from her primary with her ended up rapidly becoming very different to her so it was a case if sink or swim I know how worrying it is though

Contacted her form tutor several times. She promised a load of stuff including putting her with other shy girls in the form and introducing her to other girls with no friends. None of this happened. I kind of feel like the school can’t or won’t do anything.

If your older daughter is in the same school (as you implied from your previous post?) would she not accompany your DD to the club for the first time?

Has your daughter said this didn't happen, or has the form tutor? Because there is only so much a form tutor can do to support your daughter and some of it is just being brave and even sitting next to someone in her form to eat lunch rather than wandering the corridors.

Maybe the form tutor has introduced them, but short of a teacher taking her somewhere and asking some girls if she can sit with them (which would be the worst thing ever if you are 12), there is some level of your daughter needing to make some effort. And maybe that's what the school need to help with - some confidence boosters, maybe rather than finding someone who can buddy your daughter, maybe they need to find someone who needs a buddy and ask your daughter to be there buddy (less social stigma, I'm guessing), like someone new in the year?

It's a minefield dealing with that age group (in my limited experience) - my year 7 dd was in a similar position as the only girl from her primary in her form.. and it was tough, but every day I challenged her to speak to someone in the class queue / next to her at the end of class / sit in a space at the lunch table with girls in her form. The first couple of months were tough, and no doubt her friendship groups with change with time, but for now she has a few good friends who she messages / has lunch with / makes plans with. She kept saying "everyone has friends" but it turned out, often they were just brave enough to chat to someone they didn't know.