I really need some school advice about my DD 12

[Lifetimelife]

I just don’t know what to do. My DD started year 7 and was allowed to choose to be with one friend from her primary. This friend has made new friends and DD hasn’t. She seems ok to talk with girls in her form during classes but as soon as the bell goes for lunch or break she’s on her own. She has spent another lunchtime on her own wandering the corridors.

I have had several conversations with her form tutor and pastoral support who tell me that feedback from her teachers is good and that In class she’s not isolated. I have tried to explain that this may all be well and good but it doesn’t translate into her having people to hang out with at lunch.

I have asked about clubs and places DD can go at lunch. I have asked if she can be put in touch with other year 7 girls (they tell me my DD is not alone and it’s a common issue) but on the phone and in emails they promise they will do things “oh yes a buddy scheme sounds good let me talk to Mr Smith about that” oh yes there are lots of clubs tell DD to check the noticeboard. I asked about if there was a safe place DD could go ie a room in school at lunch but they never answer the question.

It doesn’t help that DD is refusing to try any clubs. I found out about a lunchtime club tomorrow but she is refusing to go says she feels awkward turning up in her own. I guess I just want someone to care enough about DD that they will turn up at lunchtime and say “come on, there’s a music club in room 23 let me take you there” or put her in touch with another shy girl who goes to the club.

I just feel the school give me lip service and nothing is done. This has been going on since October!

DD is shy and this lack of friends is stripping her of any confidence. She had friends in primary and in fact was at one of her primary school friends for a sleepover on Saturday so she is capable of forming friends.

Please. If this was your DD what would you do? I’m at a loss and it’s making me feel upset on DDs behalf. I can’t cope with another day at work tomorrow knowing DD is on her own for lunch which is an hour long! I have 2 other children who I feel I’m neglecting as this issue with DD is all consuming - last night she was crying til the early hours about it.

I’m an Education Mental Health Practitioner based in a secondary school and our part of our remit is to work 1:1 with secondary students with low level anxiety and low mood to do Guided self help for avoidance / facing fears / thought challenging etc and work on practical goals (for 6/8 sessions). We are quite a new role but spreading out in to lots of areas and might be worth an ask of a service like us is available in your DDs school ? The idea would be to give her the psycho- education behind why we have anxiety about certain things and how our thoughts / feelings / behaviours are linked and then give her strategies to break that cycle.
I agree that I would go back to pastoral support staff - they might not have one of me but they might have an Elsa (Emotional literacy support assistant ) or a pastoral support staff member who could help with a bit of support like that for your DD to get started ? Even if they can’t always accompany her to every club etc ?

Mental blockage😡👊

Wow that triggered me!!

Mental blockage, only so much they can do.??

It doesn't seem the school is doing anything at all yet.

Op my dd was in a school ( secondary) where they had no interest in friend groups or doing bonding things to help the children bond.
When I asked the deputy at an open day "What happens if they are not with any peers from their primary school or struggle he looked baffled and said they make friends eventually.

Since my dd started she did have her friends around her luckily but that total ignorance of the importance of a child overall well being And happiness has trickled down.

That utter lack of care was apparent over lock down And become one of those schools that dropped their pupils like a hot potato, and dd barely had any contact with them for month's.

She had Just started years 7 so no real friend made by that points.

Other people also said their children had a range of issues left unsupported.
She's been moved to another school now. Dd is a high achiever who will boost their grades and she wasn't getting anything in return.
Her new school managed to get on line day's after lock downs including choirs!
Kept the mental health of their pupils at the forefront and has an excellent pastoral teams.

But I digress.

I've Also seen a setting that moves heaven and earth to actively support pupils older than your dd.
Where there is a will there is a way.

I've witnessed a child having bad experiences,left unsupported who then becomes fearful and develop s rhe mental block because there are only so many sets backs young people can cope with.

As pp said I'd email and copy in tutor,head of year head, pastoral.

It's something that will spiral if left any longer.

If she's comfortable talking to some girls during lessons, could you suggest she asks one who seems especially approachable and friendly 'what are you doing for lunch?' She's not asking for an invitation, so there's no rejection if they just reply with their plans but don't ask her along, (she can just reply back 'oh OK sounds good' or something) but she might find it does lead to an invite to join them. Could role play potential answers she might get to build her confidence?

I think the clubs would be a good idea as a way to start to get to know like-minded people without too much pressure. DS really wanted to go to a particular club in year 7 but wouldn't because he felt too self-conscious. In the end, I found an older student (friend of a friend) who went looking for him at lunchtime and more or less dragged him there (in a nice way), introduced him to the person leading the club and then they were away. Or does your older child have any friends with siblings in your DD's year who might be up for helping? Our school has quite a few wannabe prefect types who would like to be 'matchmakers'!

I could have written your post myself, my daughter is so shy and just started year 7. She had two friends in primary school but she no longer sees them. She has finally made one good friend at school but I do worry what happens if her and her friend fall out and she will be left with no one as she doesn’t talk to anyone outside of lessons, she is having a birthday gathering in a few weeks time and she is inviting two people from her out of school activity, I have told her in order to have the party she needs to invite three people from school. For two weeks she has said she wanted to cancel (I’m aware I sound horrible but I really worry about her like you op) and the. Today she came home from school and said she has invited two girls she sits by in class and they have both said yes! Text there Moms to clarify times etc and both of them said that there dd’s have mentioned my dd, I needed to push her out of her comfort zone, she is super shy and hates been in large crowds which really limits her socialising in breaks and dinner times but I feel like this is a mini break through for her.

This could be my daughter too she's 9 and autistic. She struggles terribly with friendships as she is so shy. She had one good friend who moved to another town and it devastated her. I'm dreading her starting secondary school to be honest.

You're not doing your dd any favours solving this problem for her. You're over-parenting. Step back. Let her solve this herself. She's becoming an adult; she has to navigate life in her own way, learning lessons as she goes.

Well I spoke to a mum this evening of a girl my DD was good friends with at primary who is at my DDs school. She said her DD also struggled badly at first and her words “ had a horrific time” but has now made some friends in her form. She said my DD should look for her daughter at lunchtimes as she would always be happy to include my DD. My DD has also been invited round to her friends house after school tomorrow.

I do wonder if it’s the fact it’s a Grammer school which means the pastoral support is rubbish as they seem obsessed with grades and academic performance.

Please. If this was your DD what would you do? I’m at a loss and it’s making me feel upset on DDs behalf. I can’t cope with another day at work tomorrow knowing DD is on her own for lunch which is an hour long! I have 2 other children who I feel I’m neglecting as this issue with DD is all consuming - last night she was crying til the early hours about it.

Waaaay too much reinforcement of negative emotions. She can be sad about it, but why are you allowing this level of catastrophising? Do you secretly love the drama? You're feeding the drama. She's loving the attention, and is learning that she gets attention by being 'sad'. Dysfunctional, in my view.

polynesian my dd just turned 12 a week ago, she is a little girl and all the time she is crying and looking to me for support I will be there for her. My other DD had similar issues in years 7 and 8 but never told me - I was in blissful ignorance. The difference being my older DD seemed to cope better.

Gosh I wouldn't just leave her to it or push her to 'put herself out there' - it's extremely difficult to find the courage to do that if you already feel vulnerable - and she's only 12.

My DD (11) has enjoyed the American Girl Smart Girl's Guide books which give really helpful tips on some of the issues that tween girls face, including offering ready-made conversation starters, how to make small talk, how to deal with cliques, bullies, how to be a good friend, etc etc. Very practical and fun (quizzes etc).

I also know that when someone is feeling low it can help to look for someone else to help - not to make friends but just to do a good deed - even if it's just holding the door open, picking up something they've dropped etc. - it creates a moment of positive connection, boosts self-esteem and gives a sense of agency.

Lastly I'd say don't get too caught up in her distress, try to stay calm and chilled about it, organise nice activities with family and friends and keep home a place where this isn't an issue. Maybe try to model starting up conversations, reaching out to new people etc if you think this would help.

I absolutely feel for you and her though.

It's not a coincidence that your older child coped better. You were in blissful ignorance so she solved it on her own.

My dd is 11 too, I do get it. She's at a new school and has found it very difficult at times. We've focussed on developing her resilience through sports. Mountain biking and running. This has helped her have a focus away from the dynamics between the girls at school. She has something else to do to keep her emotionally recharged.

That sounds like a step in the right direction :)

How's she getting on, @Lifetimelife ?

I really felt for both you and your daughter reading this. As a mum, I found the transition from primary to secondary for my children harder for me than them starting primary as I knew its pretty easy for 3 and 4 year old to make a game with others, and there is a lot of friendship support at primary.

Your last update sounds positive... Really hope things have improved for your daughter. If they haven't, I would take your older daughters offer of meeting her and taking her to a club (what a lovely, caring sister she sounds)

Does sound pretty shit. Our school would absolutely tell her to come to the year office whenever she needed to, facilitate meeting new people, take her to clubs etc.

Hi OP. I was wondering how your DD is getting on? My DD also year 7 is going through a very similar thing. I've sent her in today with advice to do her best to get her game face on etc as recommended by previous posters!