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Original poster

No presents request at wedding. Do people comply?

92 replies

Ancientbride · 29/04/2022 09:33

We’re getting married soon after many many years together and have requested that our guests don’t buy us presents. We don’t need anything and would rather people didn’t waste their money on us. Someone has suggested to me that this is a bit rude and that people will bring presents anyway. I’m expecting that we might get the odd present from close friends but is our request rude? Will it really be ignored?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 09:59

@Ancientbride could you explicitly say you don't want gifts or money but if they absolutely insist you'd prefer they donate to a charity of their choice?

Original poster
Ancientbride · 29/04/2022 10:01

MaryBeardsShoes · 29/04/2022 09:55

We didn't want presents, as we have been together a long time, and were hoping we'd get away with just not mentioning as it seemed presumptuous to mention it. But then so many people have said they want to get us something we "really wanted" so we've made a small gift list of household stuff that is slightly fancy but not wildly expensive. Things that we can actually use. I think it will be nice to e.g. get the wedding table linen out for a fancy occasion and be reminded of the day.

That sounds nice actually.

OP posts:
Goldfishjones · 29/04/2022 10:09

Just explain that you don't want presents due to environmental reasons (then people will hopefully understand that not receiving one is a genuine preference).

The cash thing is harder....maybe suggest a way of people donating to a charity of their choice IF they want to but in a way that means noone, including you, will ever know if they did or not. Then they will only donate if they actually want to, no pressure.

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General relationships Weddings
AProperStinging · 29/04/2022 10:09

Your thread is really disingenuous. You do want presents. You want to know if you can get away with pretending you don't. Own it

yesitssea · 29/04/2022 10:09

I gave money but also bought some Hotel Chocolat because I thought it might be nice to have a few presents.

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 10:11

AProperStinging · 29/04/2022 10:09

Your thread is really disingenuous. You do want presents. You want to know if you can get away with pretending you don't. Own it

How did you deduce that, Sherlock?

emmathedilemma · 29/04/2022 10:11

I've always taken it to mean no gifts and the weddings i've been to that have specified this have usually been couples who've been together a long time, maybe a bit older and already have a house and everything they need. From memory one had a suggested charity if anyone wanted to make a donation but the others didn't. I sponsored a toilet for one of them as it was relevant to their job.

cherrytreecottage · 29/04/2022 10:12

We also didn't want presents but felt rude putting this on the invite as we thought it screamed "give cash". Although naturally, given we'd lived together for so long, cash would have been the preference out of the two options - we also didn't want to ask for it, or expect it!! We decided to leave off any mention of gifts entirely from the invites but every single guest gave a card and money anyway.

Original poster
Ancientbride · 29/04/2022 10:12

AProperStinging · 29/04/2022 10:09

Your thread is really disingenuous. You do want presents. You want to know if you can get away with pretending you don't. Own it

This absolutely not true. We don’t want presents. I expect that my parents will give us something (totally fine) but think that some close friends may really want to give us a present. Something really small and personal would be okay but honestly I’d rather they didn’t.

OP posts:
tothemoonandbackbuses · 29/04/2022 10:13

I would probably give a decent bottle of wine. So it maybe easier to say no presents please but a bottle of red/white/rose/craft beer etc would be lovely. Some will give an expensive bottle others a standard one. Hopefully everyone will be happy.

Original poster
Ancientbride · 29/04/2022 10:15

yesitssea · 29/04/2022 10:09

I gave money but also bought some Hotel Chocolat because I thought it might be nice to have a few presents.

Chocolate would perfectly acceptable. Small, consumable and relatively cheap.

OP posts:
Hallyup89 · 29/04/2022 10:18

I'd take no gifts to be a demand for cash and would think you were being cheeky.

Just let people do what they want to.

stopringingme · 29/04/2022 10:20

When we got married 25 years ago, we didn't want gifts as we had our own house, but we were advised that most people would bring a gift so decided to set up a gift list with Marks and Spencer as you could also request gift vouchers, which we got quite a few of. We also got a few cheques and some cash.

We ended up returning some gifts to M&S as there were part sets given and had them exchanged for gift vouchers, the gift giver was none the wiser.

There was no pressure on anyone to give anything it just gave an option if they wanted to.

Original poster
Ancientbride · 29/04/2022 10:21

Hallyup89 · 29/04/2022 10:18

I'd take no gifts to be a demand for cash and would think you were being cheeky.

Just let people do what they want to.

I would never think it was a demand for cash but it seems like some people would. And what about what we want? We don’t need anything and don’t want to have to deal with a huge pile of gifts that we don’t want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ancientbride · 29/04/2022 10:22

And yes we are concerned about the environment as a pp suggested

OP posts:
Cocobeau · 29/04/2022 10:24

We were very clear that we didn't want gifts or money. We still got both. Not from everyone, but some people don't feel happy unless they are giving something. We did get more money from people who weren't even invited.

Boood · 29/04/2022 10:26

We wanted to say no presents, but didn’t because we would have been mortified if it had been interpreted as “give us cash”. So we said “we really don’t need anything, but if you want to give us a present a nice bottle of wine is always appreciated”. Also quite useful because it allows people to spend anything from a tenner to £££. And of course, wine is nice and you can’t have too much of it.

Not much use if you don’t drink wine, admittedly.

tootiredtoocare · 29/04/2022 10:33

It's happening more and more because most people who get married don't really need the type of things people give as wedding gifts - they usually already live together and have their home sorted out. Friends of ours recently asked for donations to their honeymoon - I don't really like giving cash, it feels a bit impersonal, but they'd specifically requested that. If we have parties in our family we tend to put a note on the invitation saying "We're asking for no gifts - it's your presence, not your present, that's the best gift you can give!" We support a couple of local charities so we also ask them for a collection tin and put them on the bar - they usually get filled!

Solosunrise · 29/04/2022 10:37

Humans can be very odd creatures. If someone said they didn't want presents I'd take them at their word. I'd appreciate the clarity, not see it as rude.
I definitely wouldn't read it that I should give cash, either. If people want cash, they should say so.
I'd appreciate being invited to celebrate someone's special day though.
Congrats and good luck OP! I recommend eloping if it all gets too much Flowers

Sprig1 · 29/04/2022 10:37

People are annoying and tend to give something anyway. Do most of your guests know each other? Can you put the word out that you really do mean it and would much rather not receive anything.

Itishard · 29/04/2022 10:44

When we got married I asked around and quite a few people said they would give presents anyway. So we wrote a note saying we didn't expect any presents as most were traveling, but if they wanted here's a list and linked to an online site which included :

  • charity donations (maybe 1/3 did this)
  • actual items but only a couple of large ones, most were £10-15 like nice glasses and plates (maybe another 1/3 did this)
  • "donations" towards a new table (some did this and some did nothing)

We hoped this gave people the option but meant we didn't end up with too much unwanted tat (we still got some!)

Original poster
Ancientbride · 29/04/2022 10:50

Solosunrise · 29/04/2022 10:37

Humans can be very odd creatures. If someone said they didn't want presents I'd take them at their word. I'd appreciate the clarity, not see it as rude.
I definitely wouldn't read it that I should give cash, either. If people want cash, they should say so.
I'd appreciate being invited to celebrate someone's special day though.
Congrats and good luck OP! I recommend eloping if it all gets too much Flowers

Its beginning to feel like that @Solosunrise . Thank you. Its been a big decision for us after all this time.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 29/04/2022 10:51

Yeah I'd probably give money in the card, unless you'd specified a charity to donate to instead. Just ingrained in me to give something.

BertieBotts · 29/04/2022 10:56

We asked for no gifts because we were flying back home so couldn't easily transport stuff. PIL got us a set of cutlery at a car boot that they "kept safe for us" and we never saw again XD and one SIL gave us a really cool mirror which we did somehow wedge in a suitcase to bring back.

alongtimeagoandfaraway · 29/04/2022 11:09

My daughter has just done this and included a (I thought) very nicely worded note saying they had been asked about a gift registry but that they had everything they needed and they knew that people had gone to expense to attend so all they wanted was to celebrate with them (better phrased than that).