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Original poster

Why does my DH do this - joke I'm not capable

60 replies

fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:14

I've started to notice that he keeps joking about me being capable of doing things.

Few examples in the last week.

Joking about my cooking and that I'm shit at it. I'm a good cook. I know I am.

Painting today - joking im shit at it

My driving - am not a good driver. I am average but I hold more licences than him and have nil points.

Makes reference that he does all the cleaning and washing and drying. He doesn't. He does it on a Sunday I do it every other day.

It's getting on my tits now and today I snapped and said "don't make me out to be incapable, I managed quite fucking well before I met you and I will manage quite fucking well without you"

He has barely spoken to me all day.

I know it wasn't a nice thing to say but I'm fed up of it.

I've mentioned it before and he says he's just joking. But he does it in front of people. He makes out he does everything and that I couldn't cope without him.

Not the case at all.

Why does he do this? Is it to make himself seem indispensable?

I have been independent since 18, was a single parent, done well so far in my career. All of this probably attracted him in the first place.

I'm so fucked off.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 23/04/2022 18:19

It’s a gaslighting. A form of abuse, designed to undermine you. Either to boost his own insecure ego, or because he is a misogynist shit.

MWNA · 23/04/2022 18:21

Fuck that sort of "joking".
Bullying you and diminishing you, more like.
What's your follow up plan? I'd just be breezy and let him get on with his silent treatment.
Be busy and happy and pleasant. It'll annoy the crap out of him.

Original poster

fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:22

See he isn't misogynistic at all. He gets the gender issues and back my views. He's the best dad.
He does pull his weight. He is generous with everything.

It's literally just this. Just the last few months.

OP posts:

Maybeitstimeforachange · 23/04/2022 18:22

Because he’s a knob.

MWNA · 23/04/2022 18:22

And really, don't give being "nice" another though. Fuck nice. Good for you for saying what you said.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 23/04/2022 18:24

Ask him “what’s your intention with that comment?” each time until he stops.

Theunamedcat · 23/04/2022 18:25

But he isnt nice because nice people don't treat you like this

Original poster

fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:25

I'm sat outside drinking wine reading and messing about on here.
He's just watching sports.

He's not ignoring me per say but he's not made any effort either.

I am fucked off with him but he prob doesn't realise.

It's literally just this. I do genuinely believe he is joking and I don't mind the odd joke about it but it's getting on my nerves now. Hence why I snapped.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/04/2022 18:25

Hmmm I wonder if he resents having to do his share and wants you to do it all so he doesn't have to?

toomuchlaundry · 23/04/2022 18:26

If it is the last few months is it possible he wants out of the marriage?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2022 18:28

He does this because men like him enjoy putting and keeping their wives down. He makes him feel like a big man, and you get to learn your place.

I've mentioned it before and he says he's just joking. But he does it in front of people. He makes out he does everything and that I couldn't cope without him.

Just doing it to your face is unforgivable, but this should be an absolute deal breaker.

See he isn't misogynistic at all.

Like hell he's not.

Maydaysoonenough · 23/04/2022 18:28

Maybe start making jokes about his penis measurement
.. Say obviously you are joking.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2022 18:28

See he isn't misogynistic at all. He gets the gender issues and back my views. He's the best dad.

Sometimes the men who paint themselves as feminists are the worst. They became 'feminists' because they got cookies for it. All the adulation. When it becomes just real life and they don't get told how great they are, the mask can slip. The feminism is performative and the actual fact is they want to to tell them how great they are. The alternative, which you are experiencing, is to tell you how shit you are.

Nuclear is the only option. I'd down tools for any job he says your bad at. You don't wash and clean, great, now you won't. You're a shit cook, fab, you'll have a sandwich, he can sort himself out. And so on.

I use the phrase 'it's a joke when the other person laughs' a lot. i think this is probably Schrodinger's joke though. When someone says something, then decides if it's a joke based on your reaction.

RightOnTheEdge · 23/04/2022 18:29

It sounds infuriating OP. Don't worry about not being nice, well done for standing up for yourself. Ignore his sulking,
Hopefully he's got the message and will stop being such a knob!

Original poster

fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:30

RandomMess · 23/04/2022 18:25

Hmmm I wonder if he resents having to do his share and wants you to do it all so he doesn't have to?

I don't think so. He isn't lazy like that and he doesn't think a womens job is at home etc.

I mean he does his own ironing. Always has. Cleans up after himself. Does whatever is needed when we do a tidy and deep clean of a weekend. Will do anything I can't do like wire a new plug in or plumbing etc etc.

He literally doesn't put a foot wrong except this. I can't even think of he's always done this or if it's just me noticing it now more.

OP posts:

Maybeitstimeforachange · 23/04/2022 18:32

toomuchlaundry · 23/04/2022 18:26

If it is the last few months is it possible he wants out of the marriage?

Has he started badmouthing you to someone and it’s leaking in.

Theunamedcat · 23/04/2022 18:33

See my ex husband was fantastic until the day he wasn't it was a slow decent into oblivion even now I do not recognise the man I married in the dickhead that drops our son off

SkirridHill · 23/04/2022 18:33

He sounds like a twat, OP. I realise I'm an outside looking in and perhaps he has other great attributes but he is persistently telling people how shit you are. That doesn't sound to me like the behaviour of a decent person.

ImTheFuckOffCar · 23/04/2022 18:34

He's the best dad
Lol. Every time.
A great dad who puts down his child’s mother. In front of other people. For a joke. Ok then.

Rhondapearlman · 23/04/2022 18:34

He’s keeping you in your place. He sounds awful.

Original poster

fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:34

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2022 18:28

He does this because men like him enjoy putting and keeping their wives down. He makes him feel like a big man, and you get to learn your place.

I've mentioned it before and he says he's just joking. But he does it in front of people. He makes out he does everything and that I couldn't cope without him.

Just doing it to your face is unforgivable, but this should be an absolute deal breaker.

See he isn't misogynistic at all.

Like hell he's not.

He knew when he met me I wasn't one to keep my mouth shut. I can't. I will always stand up for myself.

He's Been told before in the odd argument that we have that if he wanted a women who would put up and shut up he is with the wrong person as that will never be me.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/04/2022 18:36

Definitely a power struggle he wants to be the one to make you shut up and put up

Longcovid21 · 23/04/2022 18:37

You will slowly start to believe it if not careful. He's trying to wear you down. Nice men don't do that.

Original poster

fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:37

He's doing the roast tomorrow. Just said I can't be arsed cooking as I'm having a wine tonight/now so he said he will make one and what meat do I want.

I'm going to breeze in and out of that fucking kitchen tomorrow adding salt and interfering with timers and such shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:38

RandomMess · 23/04/2022 18:36

Definitely a power struggle he wants to be the one to make you shut up and put up

He will not get that from me.

I'd literally be that Catherine Tate character last tag on the floor dying having the last word.

OP posts:

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