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Original poster

Why does my DH do this - joke I'm not capable

60 replies

fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:14

I've started to notice that he keeps joking about me being capable of doing things.

Few examples in the last week.

Joking about my cooking and that I'm shit at it. I'm a good cook. I know I am.

Painting today - joking im shit at it

My driving - am not a good driver. I am average but I hold more licences than him and have nil points.

Makes reference that he does all the cleaning and washing and drying. He doesn't. He does it on a Sunday I do it every other day.

It's getting on my tits now and today I snapped and said "don't make me out to be incapable, I managed quite fucking well before I met you and I will manage quite fucking well without you"

He has barely spoken to me all day.

I know it wasn't a nice thing to say but I'm fed up of it.

I've mentioned it before and he says he's just joking. But he does it in front of people. He makes out he does everything and that I couldn't cope without him.

Not the case at all.

Why does he do this? Is it to make himself seem indispensable?

I have been independent since 18, was a single parent, done well so far in my career. All of this probably attracted him in the first place.

I'm so fucked off.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/04/2022 18:41

Honestly book some marriage counselling and thrash it out there. It's going to kill your relationship- death by a thousand cuts.

RandomMess · 23/04/2022 18:42

Read "why does he do that" by Lundy to check out for other signs of emotional abuse Flowers

NoWordForFluffy · 23/04/2022 18:44

fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:37

He's doing the roast tomorrow. Just said I can't be arsed cooking as I'm having a wine tonight/now so he said he will make one and what meat do I want.

I'm going to breeze in and out of that fucking kitchen tomorrow adding salt and interfering with timers and such shit.

Yes, be a spoony fucker! He'll soon get sick of that!

Original poster
fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:48

RandomMess · 23/04/2022 18:41

Honestly book some marriage counselling and thrash it out there. It's going to kill your relationship- death by a thousand cuts.

That is a good shout I think we could both do with this.
Thank you for that suggestion.

What actually happens when you go to these sessions?

I don't know anyone who has been to one!

I'm not perfect, I'm peri menopausal and I know I can be a bit sharp when I'm feeling the rage about fuck all in the grand scheme of things.

OP posts:
Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 23/04/2022 18:52

The expression is ‘per se’

Echobelly · 23/04/2022 18:55

In this situation, if you think it's just doofusness, maybe he needs telling 'I don't appreciate this kind of teasing; it's hurtful and makes me feel undermined, please stop doing it' And if he doesn't stop, you have a real problem. Some guys think teasing is 'affectionate' and don't realise how it lands.

Original poster
fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:56

Thank you I knew I hadn't typed that correctly as I was typing it, my mind was blank!

OP posts:
pointythings · 23/04/2022 18:57

Just tell him straight out: 'I notice you have been putting me down and making out I am incapable. You do it in front of others. You think it's funny. It isn't. It stops right now, and that is not negotiable.'

His reaction should guide your next steps.

Original poster
fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 18:58

Echobelly · 23/04/2022 18:55

In this situation, if you think it's just doofusness, maybe he needs telling 'I don't appreciate this kind of teasing; it's hurtful and makes me feel undermined, please stop doing it' And if he doesn't stop, you have a real problem. Some guys think teasing is 'affectionate' and don't realise how it lands.

Yes I could say this. It's a good explanation. A lot better worded that what I actually said Smile although it needed to be said I think.

I will use this tomorrow when he is cooking the roast and therefore thinks he is managing the whole house and all that entails because he's roasted a chicken in the bag.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/04/2022 18:58

At couples therapy with a decent therapist (ring a few up and chat to them so who you click with) you get to talk through things completely honestly in a safe environment and you may get set "homework" or things to work on and held accountable if they don't get done.

MrsWooster · 23/04/2022 18:59

Every. Single. Time he does it, stop the conversation in its tracks and say “why are you saying if that /implying I’m incapable? You know full well that is not remotely true (insert relevant evidence)”. See if he stops but like PPs, I’d look at the Lundy book and consider relationship therapy

Pollydonia · 23/04/2022 19:01

Its negging, a form of gas lighting.
My ex did the same - anyone listening in would have been under the impression that I was a moron incapable of walking and breathing at the same time.
It was one of his least abusive behaviours.

Iflyaway · 23/04/2022 19:02

I do genuinely believe he is joking

No he is not. He's undermining you.

You need to wake up. No man like that is worth it.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 23/04/2022 19:06

It's an ego boost for him, poor little woman can't do anything without her man.

Ugh, how exhausting.

Fizbosshoes · 23/04/2022 19:08

My DH is similar about driving and cooking!

I often drive if we've been out for dinner and he's had a drink and then he starts advising me to overtake here/change lanes now etc. Usually its a route I know and drive often, and I tell him I manage to drive fine, without his instruction most of the time. Luckily he normally falls asleep after a while!
Similarly when I'm cooking he's always saying "well I would have added this or that" or starts giving things a stir, turning down the gas etc, it's quite annoying. Both kids think my roast potatoes are superior though, and I like to remind him about it!

Paddingtonthebear · 23/04/2022 19:08

If he is otherwise reasonable and you are otherwise happy, I would address this with him today, directly and simply.

I would sit down and calmly say exactly what you said in your opening post. Clear examples of what he is doing with clear examples of how it is not only untrue, but makes you feel shit. If he is reasonable and nice as you say, he will be mortified to be hurting your feelings in the name of “only joking”. It’s even worse he does it front of others and he needs to seriously reframe his way of making humour if you are the butt of the joke. I would go calm but hard on this. “Only joking” is a horrible form of gaslighting and needs to be stopped asap.

Original poster
fuckedoffnow · 23/04/2022 19:09

Pollydonia · 23/04/2022 19:01

Its negging, a form of gas lighting.
My ex did the same - anyone listening in would have been under the impression that I was a moron incapable of walking and breathing at the same time.
It was one of his least abusive behaviours.

No one who knows me would think that. It's the total opposite of me.

I have been fiercely independent since I was 18. Not that my parents haven't supported me at the odd time, they have. I moved back home when I had my Dd for 9 months after my relationship with her dad broke down. I needed to re group and save and I did that with their help. They also provided childcare when I went back to work full time, working from home so it was a support.

This is why I genuinely think he is joking but it's getting old and boring.

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 23/04/2022 19:13

There’s a good chance he is just insecure and a bit envious of your capabilities hence this belittling behaviour in the name of “jokes”. Unfortunately that’s not an attractive trait either.

powershowerforanhour · 23/04/2022 19:20

If he does it when you're driving, pull in at the first opportunity and offer him the options of a)getting out and walking or b) shutting up

Make him look up "negging" in the urban dictionary and read it out loud.

Remind him that he didn't do it when you two were courting (I assume). Why not then, and why now?

Ask him if he would do it to his boss, to his dad, to his kids? If not why not?

And- it's only a joke if everybody's laughing.

You were damn right to say what you said, no fucking surrender on this one. If he accuses you of being a fun sponge or blames it on you taking things up the wrong way due to being menopausal, jump down his bloody throat. Shitty male behaviour is not womens' fault.

MWNA · 23/04/2022 19:52

ImTheFuckOffCar · 23/04/2022 18:34

He's the best dad
Lol. Every time.
A great dad who puts down his child’s mother. In front of other people. For a joke. Ok then.

Yeah this.

Starseeking · 23/04/2022 19:58

He's doing it to undermine you, and is probably jealous that you would be completely fine without him.

Insecure men do this to capable women to try and prove that they need them. My EXDP used to do the same. I told him to stop for a year, he didn't. For the next year, I planned my exit, including the house sale.

He never ever believed I would leave him, and was still genuinely talking about us all moving into a rented property while we waited to purchase a new place, because he thought he had succeeded in making me feel as insecure as he did. Errr, no mate.

Sunnytwobridges · 23/04/2022 20:36

Ugh my ex did this to me. Killed a lot of the feelings I had for him. Especially since he never said anything positive about me unless it was sexual. Yuck.

NurseBernard · 23/04/2022 20:38

Is he still sulking?

CheekyHobson · 23/04/2022 20:50

Ugh my ex did this to me. Killed a lot of the feelings I had for him. Especially since he never said anything positive about me unless it was sexual. Yuck.

This is a good point and may motivate your DH to stop with the negging in conjunction with the good suggestions above.

"DH, when you make those 'jokes' about how I'm useless at one thing or another, I find it really hurtful. Not because I'm sensitive about my abilities, but because there seems to be no point to the 'joke' other than to put me down. Maybe you and your mates you enjoy a kind of competitive one-upmanship where you take the piss out of each other, but we have a different kind of relationship and that doesn't work for me. I actually feel less attracted to you when you are unkind to me, so if you want me to maintain warm and affectionate feelings towards you, making repeated jokes at my expense is not a great way to go about it.

Daisy4569 · 23/04/2022 21:00

Mine does exactly the same and it really drives me mad. I lose it with him every 6 months or so and it improves. It used to be him sighing over everything, then him just tweaking things when I’d done them, then the comments. No advice but you’re not alone!