Why does my DH do this - joke I'm not capable

[fuckedoffnow]

I've started to notice that he keeps joking about me being capable of doing things.

Few examples in the last week.

Joking about my cooking and that I'm shit at it. I'm a good cook. I know I am.

Painting today - joking im shit at it

My driving - am not a good driver. I am average but I hold more licences than him and have nil points.

Makes reference that he does all the cleaning and washing and drying. He doesn't. He does it on a Sunday I do it every other day.

It's getting on my tits now and today I snapped and said "don't make me out to be incapable, I managed quite fucking well before I met you and I will manage quite fucking well without you"

He has barely spoken to me all day.

I know it wasn't a nice thing to say but I'm fed up of it.

I've mentioned it before and he says he's just joking. But he does it in front of people. He makes out he does everything and that I couldn't cope without him.

Not the case at all.

Why does he do this? Is it to make himself seem indispensable?

I have been independent since 18, was a single parent, done well so far in my career. All of this probably attracted him in the first place.

I'm so fucked off.

What he says and what he does are two different things. Pay far more attention to what he does. If he is knocking you down all the time, you need to question why he wants to do that.

I was , and still am , very independent.

In fact it was after a promotion when I was earning slightly more than him that this started, in the end he told me that it was to pull me down a notch - but he also became physically abusive in the end . ( I'm not suggesting that your DH is physically abusive, just sharing my own experience)

A certain type of man doesn’t like to think that a woman, especially their partner, might be better, more knowledgable, capable etc than them at anything. Younger men (I.e. under 60) probably don’t think of it in those terms and if you challenged them, would be affronted at an accusation of sexism but that’s essentially what it is.

They make a joke out of it because they don’t know how to address their feeling of inadequacy or lack of confidence/knowledge in any other way than to use a derogatory comparison to a woman (their partner). The reason they make a joke of it is so that when you object, they can throw their hands up and mockingly say it was just a joke, what’s your problem.

In fact it was after a promotion when I was earning slightly more than him that this started, in the end he told me that it was to pull me down a notch - but he also became physically abusive in the end.

I'm sorry that happened to you. This pattern is not uncommon at all. I was also in an abusive relationship (not physical, but ticked every other box) and his emotional abuse was worst whenever he perceived that the 'balance of power' had shifted in my favour – my income went up, I built new social relationships, the kids showed a preference for me, I achieved a big goal, or conversely, his business started to suffer, he had a falling out with someone, he had to rely on me for a period of time, etc.

Why does he do this? Is it to make himself seem indispensable?

It's to keep you in your place, to let you know he is superior. What a cunt.

How can anyone stay married to a man who so blatantly diminishes and disrespects you? I truly don't understand.

Yes - this. Sorry OP. 🌹

No he's made a roast and jet washed our front and our elderly next door neighbours too. He's a bit subdued lol

My DH does this sometimes, he’s generally wonderful. However, we’ve just been on holiday and was talking to SIL before we went and was saying “Yeah, I’ll have to
keep her away from the bars!” I’m not a big drinker and never have been while he’s known me, I’m also on medication that means I can’t drink even if I wanted to. I asked him why he said it and he was “It’s a joke” 🙄.

I mean, if he’d said “I’ll have to keep her out of Sephora” then that would have rung true but I said to him it was weird to “joke” about something I never, ever do and have no interest in.

My 'D'H (now exh for many years) started to do this. In the fullness of time I discovered that he had been having an affair for the last six years of our marriage.