Rude or honest child?

[Ohfgsnotagain]

My 6 year old has told a family member they didn’t like their birthday present from them. They also said the egg hunt was rubbish because they were asked to choose a prize from a bowl each time they found a cardboard egg. In the bowl were bags of popcorn, mini biscuits but no chocolate eggs.

I feel so embarrassed. I can’t stand ungrateful and rude children. We’ve always taught our children to have good manners and they both are highly praised at school for their ‘lovely’ manners.

Is my child just being honest or were they rude?

And TBH it’s not ideal for a child to say that, but we are grown ups, suck it up.

There’s SO MANY posters on MN who as adults are absolutely terrified to say anything slightly controversial or stand up to themselves with family and friends. Many who let people walk all over them. Maybe if they hadn’t spent their childhoods being told to STFU WRT honesty they wouldn’t be so bloody timid

Rude. I abhor children being praised for ‘lovely manners’ because 9 times out of 10 it’s just robotically saying please or thank you at the expected time. Actual manners are about being considerate and kind. Plenty of unpleasant children around who know how to say the right thing when teachers are present.

Rude.

Rude about the present but honest about the Easter eggs hunt

It was rude but kids do that sometimes. I awlays ask mine how they would feel if they gave me a picture or a biscuit they had made at school and I said something like 'oh, I don't like those ones' or 'oh, I don't like that colour' which seems to get the point across. Luckily the person they were rude to must have experience of kids as they brushed it off, and will I assume have heard you pick up on your childs rudeness and apologise so I would't worry too much. Just have the chat before you go and see relatives again. 'Now, remember if granny has bought you a t shirt which is a bit babyish what do we say because it's the nice thought that counts?'

@CavernousScream

Lol at describing a disappointed six year old as rude and then using the phrase ‘ungrateful brat’ about a disappointed six year old. They’re six, you’re an adult. Don’t talk like that about tiny children.

6 year olds can be awful. As you said yourself, it's talking about, not talking to. It's a child, not a tiny child. Your average six year old should be taught good manners, but not necessarily have them already.

Very rude
By that age mine knew ( because we'd taught them ) to be grateful and say thank you etc for any gift ......even if they already had the gift or didn't like the chocolate for example they'd been given.
I think I'd be having a chat with the child .

I think it depends - were they asked directly if they liked them? If so then I really don't think you should ask questions as an adult if you're not prepared for an honest answer - otherwise what the hell is the point of asking??

If OP's son was asked if he liked his birthday present the option are a) lie and probably get something similar that he hates the following year again or b) be honest. Much better for him to be honest but just teach him how to say it as politely as possible. Otherwise you risk raising a people pleaser who feels they always have to pretend they're fine with things that they're really not.

When asked if he liked the hunt he could have said for example 'I was really hoping there would be some chocolate eggs in the hunt' - then he is letting people know in a more positive way......and it's more likely to happen next time. Same with the present 'I'm not really into x I'm more of a y fan'.

I taught my son with ASD when he went to friends for tea and it was something he wasn't sure about to say 'It's not my favourite but I'm happy to try it'. Your son is only 6, I wouldn't tell him off - instead teach him how to handle it next time.

Your child was very rude.

Also 'having manners' generally means pleasing adults by saying and doing what adults want. Children at 6 generally don't feel the need to have 'manners' to other children, they're very honest. I think you have to be a bit careful how much you push children into wanting to please adults and to always do as adults tell them because not all adults are good.

@Bewilderbeest

If I’d said that at that age, my mum would have put me straight in the car and taken me home!

The kid wasn't happy so would probably have quite happily left. Which then means the host is left standing with whatever other food they'd prepared, the adults miss out on time together other children are disappointed as they wanted to play with their cousins, it's really not the easy answer that people think it is.

Very rude - I would have pulled them up immediately and taken any treats from them and asked them to apologise. I probably would have then taken them home. It would be very clear that they should not say such things again.
This really isn’t a conundrum - the fact that it is being thought as one, says a lot about the increasing sense of self entitlement in children.
You do sound like a good parent though but definitely nip this kind of behaviour in the bud. I’ve stopped having certain friends of my DDs over due to these kinds of comments - the ice cream isn’t Hagen Daaz, ooh isn’t your trampoline small etc. Can’t abide it.

Really rude

Yes it's rude, but so is throwing a shit easter egg hunt with no easter eggs, no wonder they were disappointed. And six is still young.
Was the present also shit? If so, that's rude too. My BIL sends my DD cheap, inappropriate tat every year at Christmas and we're too polite to say anything. If DD told him it was crap I'd be mortified...but I'd also think good for her, he had it coming. He expects quality presents for his DS and he's always boasting about money so not skint, just doesn't care.

Rude.

We have a great habit of saying an enthusiastic thank-you before opening the present. Any particularly well-chosen gifts will then be dwelt upon, but all have had gratitude expressed.

My BIL sends my DD cheap, inappropriate tat every year at Christmas and we're too polite to say anything. If DD told him it was crap I'd be mortified...but I'd also think good for her, he had it coming.

How old is DD and what would she say about the gift if she opened it in front of BIL?

It's easy to deal with the disappointment in the privacy of your own living room on Christmas morning. Just say thanks even if you don't like it.

It's a different ball game when they open the disappointing gift in front of the giver at that age. Very difficult to get young children to hide their emotions, and fake a smile.

There is also that thing of you get people on here who've been getting the same gift they don't like from family for years, they smile politely and say the right words, the giver thinks great I've hit the spot and buys same thing again next year.

Years go by a collection of scarfs has gathered and the poster is trying to figure out how to they tell the giver to stop wasting money?

@Dinoteeth she's 11. He's never actually given her a present in person, always via MIL. She'd probably mumble thanks and look confused at why she has yet another xxl adult hoodie as an average sized 11 year old.
I don't like children to be rude and ungrateful either, but I think we shouldn't be conditioning children, girls especially, to please other people at the expense of their own feelings.

I think your child was probably asked for their opinion first and was then just being honest. So far, so good. Unfortunately the honesty could have hurt someone's feelings. Children mature at different rates, and some take longer to get there. It may be time for a discussion about honesty and lies and how it's not always quite so black and white. Its a good opportunity to introduce the concept of white lies in order to save someone's feelings. However, be aware that many of us have backed ourselves into situations where our social politeness has left us receiving inappropriate gifts for ever more! There are times to be a little honest but in a good way!

You know, I'm going to applaud your child Op. I think we could all do with a bit more honesty! I have a continual problem with my (D)M who continually buys terrible presents for my kids when she's even asked what they like but not listened and bought them something that they don't like and actually ends up being thrown away pretty quickly, which is a complete waste of her money. There is always the discussion too "ooo did DS like his present? I bought it because....did he like it?" On and on and I pretend that it's been ok because I am absolutely rubbish as being honest. She did it again with Easter. She bought a family hamper for me and my Dbros - Dbros are family's of 4 and we are 11!! She will insist on going on about it and was there enough and I'll be too polite to tell her, well actually you bought something for 11 that is meant for 4....

Very rude.

I think we shouldn't be conditioning children, girls especially, to please other people at the expense of their own feelings.

I agree with this - I often have the conversation with my own DDs - but it does depend on context. You want girls to be able to stand up for themselves. But not being selfless doesn’t mean it’s okay to be selfish. In this scenario, someone had gone to a lot of trouble to put on a hunt. It wasn’t that the child was frightened of egg hunts, or really didn’t want to do it - it was that the treats on offer weren’t the preferred choice. So it was rude.

Learning opportunity for the child, though - nothing to be mortified about, OP. Sounds like you handled it well!

I think at 6 they can start learning ways of showing appreciation without having to deny how they feel- talk about the effort that went into choosing a gift or creating an Easter egg hunt so that even when we're a bit disappointed we can appreciate things done for us and express that appreciation appropriately.

I don't agree with telling kids to suck it up and make themselves amenable at all costs but equally noone wants a 6 year old going round announcing that the Easter egg hunt was shit. But it's a process to find that balance and one that even adults struggle with sometimes. I'd also emphasise to your child that, while it's a good idea to think about whether to express exactly what they feel, all their feelings are acceptable and there is no feeling that they should feel unable to express to you.

Those two things are not mutually exclusive.
Does rudeness rely on intention? I can come across rude without meaning to, is that rude? This is what your child did. I doubt they understood how potentially hurtful it could be.

Explain to them. Mine has done similar. I don't think we're born with the notion that honesty is not always best. In fact isn't "honesty is the best policy" or honesty as a virtue presented to children? How can we blame them?

I think tact is learned. I'm still learning.

It was rude, but the idea of an Easter hunt without chocolate is just barmy. Surely she could have bought a few packets of mini eggs.