My daughter’s clinginess is making me depressed.

[EverydayImPuzzling]

I’m posting here on chat as the behaviour/development board seemed awfully quiet, and I wasn’t sure where else was suitable.

I love my daughter to pieces. She is 2.5 years old and an only child. When she’s on form, she’s the light of my life. She is a true joy to be around, she is very affectionate and funny.

However, she is exceptionally clingy to me and it’s really affecting my mental health.

I have to stay in the room with her while she falls asleep, not her Dad and certainly not on her own. Failure to comply will result in the most horrendous tantrums.

If she is a little upset/hungry/tired her behaviour, as is normal for her age, can be quite dramatic but it always centres around me. She will hit me and demand I stand up and carry her around. If her Dad enters the room or tries to help in anyway she will start screaming for him to go away. So whilst he tries to help, in the moment it just makes everything 10x worse. So I will just deal with it.

It’s very difficult for me to leave the house and sometimes even the room. I do all the “right” things and explain where I am going and how long I will be but the result is always tears and often screaming meltdowns. So I don’t often leave the house without her. She goes to nursery 4 days a week and is very happy here, but I work 35 hours over those 4 days so I get very little time to myself.

I know some (maybe a lot?) of this behaviour is likely normal for her age, especially if she’s upset/hungry/tired but I also don’t know if there’s more we should do to try and reduce her clinginess to me? It also seems to just be getting worse over the last few weeks. My husband has all but given up now as he thinks she doesn’t like him.

I didn’t grow up in the most loving of environments and sometimes I think I am too soft on her. Although, she does have the most almighty tantrums, even from a newborn she was 0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat. Her cry was and still is absolutely unbearable. I have found parenting very difficult at times and we have no family support.

Can anyone recommend anything we can try? You can probably tell I’d favour a gentle approach. But in all honesty I’m desperate now. We are going abroad in a couple of weeks and I am dreading being with her for ten days in a row, the last four have almost broken me.

Please be gentle, I’m really struggling.

Sorry you're struggling OP.

How is she if you're not an option? E.g. rather than Dad trying to 'help', what if you're out and he's in charge? She might not like it at first but she'll get used to it very quickly.

This age is always tricky. It doesn't sound like anything unusual - perseverance will conquer most stages!

Good luck

Your gentle approach isn't working, and it's making you miserable. Your DH needs to step up, and you need to step back. Time for a weekend away for mummy, and some super exciting daddy daughter adventure time.

Very normal my youngest DC was like that and can still be like that and he's nearly 7!

As for the bedtime thing, your making a rod for your own back. You need to leave her and let her kick off, she'll be fine she's in her bedroom. Just go in there every so often don't make eye contact and just put her back to bed and say "bedtime now. Goodnight." And keep doing it. Eventually she'll stop.

Does she go to ny]ursery ?

*nursery

@GeneLovesJezebel

Does she go to ny]ursery ?

It's right there in the OP.

Oops ! Skim read it !

No advice but my 2 yr old is exactly the same to the letter.

You're allowing her to rule the roost, op. It's time to take control and tell her how it's going to be, not the other way around. Even a child as young as your daughter knows that by throwing an almighty tantrum that she'll get her way because she does, it works for her! You must stop letting it work, and your husband needs to get a grip. He doesn't have the luxury of giving up, he's a parent now.

Thank you all, very kind replies. I’ve never had a night away from her. I once had to leave for work before she woke up and it didn’t go down well at all. She kicked and screamed from the minute she woke until she got to nursery.

If I’m not at home when she’s upset she will just cry for me. She cries for me at nursery occasionally too, but is generally happy there.

I think we will address bedtimes first as I think she will manage okay eventually, I just need to stop enabling it.

Agree with the daddy / daughter weekend, that’s a great idea

I don’t want to worry you unduly but there was a thread about high needs babies / toddlers on here recently and a huge amount were later assessed as ND. Have you spoken to your HV?

Let her have the tears and meltdowns. You're the one saying she demands things and you have to stay with her while she goes to sleep. Your choice to carry on or stop this now.

the fact that your DH is giving up is a part of the problem. you need him to step up here. So you plan to go out - to a cafe or the garden centre or a shop or something - just for an hour at the weekend, and DH will stay with DD. Let her have her tantrum, and when she is over it then she can play with DH or do a fun activity. Another day, get DH to take her to the park without you.

If she tantrums, just remember that having a tantrum is scary for a child & she is confused & doesn't like it. Wait calmly for the tantrum to end and then carry on as before. if the child learns that a tantrum does not change anything in the world, they will be more secure (because the world is constant & predictable) and will be less likely to have tantrums in future. So no need to make a big deal of the tantrum, just wait it out.

I do ignore her tantrums (whilst I make sure she is safe etc), so she doesn’t get her own way by tantruming but will often get her own way outside of tantrums. It’s ridiculous isn’t it I know I’ve created this problem to an extent. We would love for her to have a brother or sister but I can’t bear going through this again.

Sounds completely normal.
I would suggest dh takes more turns in being with her and settling her down, even if she tantrums about it.
She’ll get used to it.
In those times you could go out for a walk or to see a friend or something, so you’re not an option to fall back on.

Ignore the rod for your own back posters.

Doing bedtime with a 2.5 year old is normal. But if you need some nights off then you'll have to leave the room, Dad in your place, and she'll stop crying eventually. But don't leave her on her own.

If it's any comfort my daughter is/was like this. She'd cry if i left to go to the supermarket but within 5 mins my husband said she's fine.

She likes me at bedtime but I just live with it now.

She's finally coming around to her dad and they play more now, and he takes her out on weekends to do fun stuff so I can get a break.

It will pass!! In same as you and try to compensate for not being in a loving childhood, but your child has needs and you need to meet them. Just with some slightly stronger boundaries.

We did go through a phase where I would go out on a Saturday morning and he would take her to the park or for a play date, but I haven’t been up to going out on a Saturday recently (other factors affecting my mental health too atm). But I will make sure we start doing that again, as she would be absolutely fine for the most part when we did this.

I don’t think it sounds ‘completely normal’ at all actually, and I am glad you want to address this now rather than let it escalate. If it’s affecting your MH something needs to change quickly.

Let him take her to park and you stay home and just relax , no need for you to go out

@MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler

I don’t think it sounds ‘completely normal’ at all actually, and I am glad you want to address this now rather than let it escalate. If it’s affecting your MH something needs to change quickly.

I agree. This is not normal, and the child needs to learn self-control and how to manage her emotions and behaviour. With some changes, you will see big improvements, op. Remember that your daughter wants and needs you to take control.

Some of this is entirely age-appropriate, some of it is her, I think.

I don't see this as a situation of remedying the "rod for your own back" / "gentle parenting" approach etc. To me that's besides the point really. You have a stubborn, determined little girl who wants her way and is largely used to getting it. It's your job, as her parents, to ready her for the world. The world will not allow her to have her own way.

Of course, there will be times when it's entirely legitimate that she should have her own way: as parents, you need to ensure she's fed well and on time, that she has enough sleep and rest, that she is educated and socialized. That, already, will help. An overtired or hungry toddler is nobody's friend.

Beyond that, when you deal with these tantrums or outbursts (whatever you want to call them), you should keep front and center that these are opportunities to talk to her and teach her about why she can't have what she wants - AND FOLLOW THROUGH.

So, screaming at the top of her lungs because you need to go out on Saturday morning for an exercise class? (1) it's not healthy for your brain to scream so loudly and for so long, you need to stop yelling. I will show you how: take deep breaths and count to ten then in a quiet voice tell me what you want. Repeat as many times as necessary. If it doesn't' work, you need to sit down/lie down in your room until you calm down. I am going to treat you like a big girl and let you try to do that by yourself. When you're calm, I promise I will listen to you and you can tell me whatever you want. Etc etc (2) Mummy needs to go out now. You're not allowed to go with her because this is something for adults only. Daddy is going to stay at home with you. Perhaps you can play with your legos or go out for a scoot or help him in the garden. I will be home at 12pm, and then you're going to help me make lunch. While I'm away, think about what we will put in our sandwiches and salad and tell me your decision when I get home.

Be firm, give her some freedom but only within the boundaries you create for her.

I had this although less tantrums. My h stepped up massively when I told him that the reason dd doesn't ever go to him is because I am the one who did everything for her. If he had given up it would have continued. So he put in massive amounts of effort.

Even if she said noooo I want mummy, he would make it soooo much more fun than I ever could (getting her dressed pretending to be a robot, racing her to her bedroom, playing scooter gang, he does this thing where he pretends to be mad and says 'quick up to the bath! 5!! 4!! 3... and she will do whatever he's asking her to and he'll carry on counting with a silly confused face like 2...?!!! 1...?!?' And she thinks it's HILARIOUS). she goes with him happily now, asks for him occasionally at bedtime although I don't mind doing bedtime as it's parenting I can do laying down 🤣 Over time she relied on him more.

I've been away on a weeks hen do, weekends away etc.

Children who are still clingy at this age generally have insecure attachments to their caregivers. Is there a backstory?

I have a DC similar age. I’m guessing you spent a lot more time with them due to covid which hasn’t helped. I know this is certainly the case for my DC, literally spent all day, every day with me for months and months because there was no where else I could go!

I think that’s still having an effect on them now.

My only advice really is that both them and your DH need to learn to live with it and the only way that will happen is if you make them spend more time together.