My daughter’s clinginess is making me depressed.

[EverydayImPuzzling]

I’m posting here on chat as the behaviour/development board seemed awfully quiet, and I wasn’t sure where else was suitable.

I love my daughter to pieces. She is 2.5 years old and an only child. When she’s on form, she’s the light of my life. She is a true joy to be around, she is very affectionate and funny.

However, she is exceptionally clingy to me and it’s really affecting my mental health.

I have to stay in the room with her while she falls asleep, not her Dad and certainly not on her own. Failure to comply will result in the most horrendous tantrums.

If she is a little upset/hungry/tired her behaviour, as is normal for her age, can be quite dramatic but it always centres around me. She will hit me and demand I stand up and carry her around. If her Dad enters the room or tries to help in anyway she will start screaming for him to go away. So whilst he tries to help, in the moment it just makes everything 10x worse. So I will just deal with it.

It’s very difficult for me to leave the house and sometimes even the room. I do all the “right” things and explain where I am going and how long I will be but the result is always tears and often screaming meltdowns. So I don’t often leave the house without her. She goes to nursery 4 days a week and is very happy here, but I work 35 hours over those 4 days so I get very little time to myself.

I know some (maybe a lot?) of this behaviour is likely normal for her age, especially if she’s upset/hungry/tired but I also don’t know if there’s more we should do to try and reduce her clinginess to me? It also seems to just be getting worse over the last few weeks. My husband has all but given up now as he thinks she doesn’t like him.

I didn’t grow up in the most loving of environments and sometimes I think I am too soft on her. Although, she does have the most almighty tantrums, even from a newborn she was 0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat. Her cry was and still is absolutely unbearable. I have found parenting very difficult at times and we have no family support.

Can anyone recommend anything we can try? You can probably tell I’d favour a gentle approach. But in all honesty I’m desperate now. We are going abroad in a couple of weeks and I am dreading being with her for ten days in a row, the last four have almost broken me.

Please be gentle, I’m really struggling.

@MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler

I don’t think it sounds ‘completely normal’ at all actually, and I am glad you want to address this now rather than let it escalate. If it’s affecting your MH something needs to change quickly.

I agree. Doesn't sound normal at all to me either.

Sorry OP I don't have any advice but I can see why you are depressed, as this would be depressing for me as well. It's good that you recognize that there's an issue and are willing to take steps to make things better for you and for her.

@EverydayImPuzzling

Thank you all, very kind replies. I’ve never had a night away from her. I once had to leave for work before she woke up and it didn’t go down well at all. She kicked and screamed from the minute she woke until she got to nursery.

If I’m not at home when she’s upset she will just cry for me. She cries for me at nursery occasionally too, but is generally happy there.

I think we will address bedtimes first as I think she will manage okay eventually, I just need to stop enabling it.

She will not suffer any harm from prolonged crying. If she crys and screams she gets what she wants. You need to stop this cycle. Can your husband pick her up from nursery and look after her for the weekend She won't like it because she is used to getting her own way. She won't remember a thing about it when she is older.

Thank you for more helpful replies with some really good tips.

I’m not sure if there is a backstory to be honest! She was EBF as she refused to take a bottle and so I BF her until she was 2. She also had dairy allergy. Plus Covid I guess. So she was used to being with me a lot. I spent 4 hours apart from her for the first time at 6 months old and then we went into lockdown the following weekend. So I guess she’s just very used to be being here all the time.

I know DH will want to help but is probably feeling a bit lost on the how. I will talk to him tonight.

My suggestion and I'm not an expert just had a child and a sister that was like this. Don't just suddenly go away for a period of time you need to do it gradually.

Try for 10min every day at various times for a week, no contact, going out "popping to shops"(even if you are not) daddy looking after you. Then he needs to distract her even if she cries.
After a week up it to 20 minutes, even if it isn't going well, don't give in. Give this 2 weeks.
Then 30minutes for 3 weeks.

The key is you have to keep doing it consistently to start with so your daughter learns someone else can care for her in your home.

You ARE too soft :-) For her sake, you have to set some boundaries and stop letting her rule the roost.

@EverydayImPuzzling YABVU to use the term 'meltdowns' when you haven't mentioned that she has an ASD diagnosis as a tantrum is NOT a meltdown. Autistic people have meltdowns. I'm not being a pedant, I'm just sick of the overuse of this term in place of 'tantrum' as this results in the word 'meltdown' forever being misunderstood as simply a tantrum, when it is NOT!

I have a child with ASD and believe me, the two are not the same!

@Sponge19

Children who are still clingy at this age generally have insecure attachments to their caregivers. Is there a backstory?

I don't agree with this. At all. If she is still clingy at 15 then maybe, but not at this age. She is 2.

As someone who ascribed to attachment parenting, even I am saying that you are far too soft. The fact she's settled in nursery means she doesn't need you 24/7, she just prefers it that way and you've allowed this pattern to follow. Let your husband step in, leave the room/house for increasingly longer periods of time and let her cry, it won't do her any harm if she is with a loving caregiver. I feel stressed just reading your OP!

@SlatsandFlaps everyone I know, with NT or otherwise children uses meltdown/tantrum interchangeably. I’m afraid my “incorrect” usage here isn’t going to change that. I didn’t mean to offend but equally I don’t think I’m being “VU”. Not to mention this is not AIBU?

Also @SlatsandFlaps perhaps a more constructive post would have been to politely explain my error and point me to some guidance that would explain the difference? Perhaps they are meltdowns as at 2.5yrs old she might have a ND but I just don’t know it yet?

Sorry, I don’t mean to be arsey but you were quite arsey with me on a post where I am desperate for help and asked people to be gentle.

@EverydayImPuzzling

I do ignore her tantrums (whilst I make sure she is safe etc), so she doesn’t get her own way by tantruming but will often get her own way outside of tantrums. It’s ridiculous isn’t it I know I’ve created this problem to an extent. We would love for her to have a brother or sister but I can’t bear going through this again.

We had a very high needs first baby - from newborn with the unbearable cry. She now has a younger sibling who was not like that at all. We were mentally prepared for it to be awful again and it hasn't been, apart from the odd phase or when she is ill.

She is a mummy all the time child too (as is my eldest) but you have to step back. It completely doesn't work if DH wants to do something with her instead of me unless

a) it is more fun to be with Daddy so he is going out to the park (or even the garden!) etc
b) mummy isn't an option as she is out or not doing whatever it is

DH is currently putting her to bed as he does nearly every night - she is much less of a nightmare for him than me so I just let them get on with it with me nowhere near.

My firstborn who was a high needs baby is currently undergoing assessment for being ND so I agree with previous poster that that may be a possibility.
b)

@Aquamarine1029

You're allowing her to rule the roost, op. It's time to take control and tell her how it's going to be, not the other way around. Even a child as young as your daughter knows that by throwing an almighty tantrum that she'll get her way because she does, it works for her! You must stop letting it work, and your husband needs to get a grip. He doesn't have the luxury of giving up, he's a parent now.

This. You need to stop allowing her to call all the shots.

Remember that when you give in to the tantrums you are telling her that tantrumming is the right way to behave and the way to get what she wants.

You need to start parenting and setting some boundaries. She will be happier for it (once you get over the initial natural push back against new boundaries) as will you.

The thing is that lots of children go though a "Daddy" phase - my DD preferred DH to me for ages. But when this happens I don't know a single mum who stepped back and left their partner to deal with the child all the time. It just wouldn't happen! So in the same way, your DH needs to step up and help more. Whether DD makes a fuss or not.

I definitely think your own childhood is massively affecting the way you parent, and thus the situation you find yourself in now. Could you seek some individual therapy just to explore if there is stuff you haven't worked through which is affecting the way you are with your daughter? I think it could really help you. Even if it's just online/telephone counselling with an experienced therapist in the evenings when your DD is asleep, if you can't get away any other time.

It sounds like she’s screamed and cried and got what she wants and it’s time to be firmer. My eldest would cry if I had a shower or went to the toilet, if I took her to nursery or left her with grandparents. It was awful and I cried a lot but we persevered and eventually she got used to it. She can still be clingy nor as an 8 year old but only now and again!

Thank you, I know we need to be firmer with her, in the moment it has always felt like a case of “pick your battles” but we obviously aren’t having enough battles so now the boundaries are too blurred.

Thank you @ZeppelinTits for your different perspective. I have actually been in therapy with a clinical psychologist for four weeks now, so it’s early days but we do talk about my childhood and the impact on my parenting, so I hope that will help me be stronger in the future.

No probem, OP. I wonder if the fact you have started therapy in the past month is making you think about this issue more / in a different way etc? Which is probably a good thing, although frustrating too as therapy can be slow work and it's harder to be patient if there is meanwhile an issue which is affecting your day-to-day life so much. I really hope you have success with it, and manage to find a way of parenting that works well for you and your family, I'm sure you will

Are you sure that she's genuinely happy at nursery school. Is she there for the full 35 hours that you work? She might find it overwhelming or too much. Young children and babies can often seem 'happy' at nursery if they don't cry or kick up a fuss, but in reality, for some, it is still a stressful experience and tiring for them. Could the overstimulation there and her tiredness be causing her to be extra clingy/more prone to meltdowns? That said, It's not unusual for kids of this age though to exhibit clingy behaviour. My kids have never been good at going to bed on their own. My youngest has always been pretty clingy.

How’s her relationship with dad, other than at bed-time? Do they spend time together?

Can I frame it differently? It must be utterly terrifying for her to have that kind of power over you and your husband. She’s a very small child but her reaction has you so frightened that you hardly ever leave the house without her.
That is putting a huge amount of pressure on a very small child.

I agree with those who say do it in a structured and limited way and persevere. Nothing will change overnight or even in a week or fortnight. She is not being abandoned. When you return do NOT rush to console her. Do not do the whole ‘poor baby’ thing. When you return be breezy and do the whole ‘how are you darling? Mummy’s back.’ Don’t make a big deal of it. At 2.5 she has some sense of object permanence- that things that go away do return.

You must keep it at in a consistent manner. You are a family and she’s having to learn to live as a member of the family, rather than the de facto head of the family as she is now.

My DD isn’t yet 2. She has always been very very clingy and only mummy will do (though weirdly her childminder said she was the easiest baby she ever had to settle and she has never once murmured for me when I drop her there once a week).

We have better phases where she will be happier to go to her dad instead but they don’t always last.

One thing that’s non negotiable is that daddy does bathtime when he’s home. That’s half hour of peace and time to myself I really need. The last few nights she’s kicked off about that a bit too (we all have Covid so extra emotional), we just keep repeating that she has lots of fun with daddy at bath time and daddy loves her lots. Or ‘first bath with then choose a story with mummy’ and stick to it.

There’s no hope of her going to sleep for him if I’m still in the house, but if and when I go out she usually goes down for him ok. There’s been times I’ve taken a book and a travel mug and sat in the car!

We’ve got into a routine of him taking her downstairs one/ both weekend mornings, giving breakfast and they have some time together whilst I in theory get a lie in (sometimes use it to work or catch up on other bits). Again she’ll resist this and snuggle into me and shout ‘no daddy’ but she does go and is fine once there’s breakfast in front of her.

She has a bunny toy that’s her most beloved thing in the world so we use him quite a lot too - ‘quick go with daddy, help daddy make breakfast for bunny’ etc.

I prefer a gentle approach too (which still includes boundaries) and find big little feelings on Instagram quite helpful, plus some stuff on Lyndsey Hookway’s Instagram/ page though she’s more about younger babies.

It’s hard to be the parent who isn’t the favoured one. It’s bloody hard to be the one who it has to be you all the time though, exhausting!

DS was like this at this age and lockdown really didn't help because I was there 95% of the time. The only thing that helped was that I worked 2 evenings a week and he had no choice but for dad to put him to bed and do all that stuff for him, maybe go out for an hour or so in the evenings and leave dad to it? She will be okay, I used to hate it because I knew DS would cry for me but he got used to it super quickly. I'd also go for a bath/an hour to myself and I'd just say right mummy is going upstairs I'll be down soon you help daddy do xyz. He still preferred me heavily but it meant I got a break, he is 3.5 now and has mainly grown out of it although still prefers mummy if he's poorly/tired. Take away the option of mummy and she will get used to it eventually.

We have this with DC1 (now 6). From a very very young age he expressed a marked preference for me and a marked dis-preference for DH. If we were both around, he would often physically lash out at DH as a toddler, seeing him as a threat in some way.

I’m going to be completely honest, he is six now and we still have issues but I’m not sure what else we could have done differently. I still did stuff - leaving for work, going out of an evening, at weekends, etc - regardless of the reaction. He was fine within minutes of me leaving. Basically, he is fine with DH as long as I’m not in the house.

DC2 is a completely different kettle of fish. He has moments when he prefers me, eg if he’s hurt himself and we’re both there, he would normally run to me. But he is equally happy most of the time with DH.

I also suspect DC1 is neurodiverse. I have wondered about PDA as one of the signs apparently is obsession around certain individuals and even at six, DC1 still has obsessions around certain people and an antipathy towards others. It is really difficult.

Don’t let your DH give up. It’s not fair on your DD and it’s not fair on you. Get him to take her out, or have her at home for an hour or two. Regardless of the reaction. And persevere.

I have a nearly 5yo who is still like this to a degree. He favours me over DH.

Hang on in there. It will get easier. Book a trip away on your own at a weekend so you have no choice but to leave her behind. You will feel better for it.

A bit like night weaning from breastfeeding, your DH really needs to take the lead from this. He can’t just give up because she doesn’t seem to like him - that’s only going to enforce the idea that she’s only safe with mummy. Agree with PPs, small breaks from her and build up. Does she have a particularly favoured grandparent that could support both her and your DH with this?

When I went back to work, DS had an extremely strong preference for me. I work nights and weekends though so he had no choice with being left with DH. It’s completely balanced now at 2, if anything I think he thinks DH is the fun one. The only thing we still have is, if I’m around, he wants me to put him to bed, which I’m totally fine with.