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Original poster

Why are my mum and dh's mum, so shocked that I don't do dh's washing?!

104 replies

Wisteriabloom · 17/04/2022 19:08

We're a family of 4, and dh being very sporty, wears a lot of stuff that needs a low setting, no fabric conditioner etc, so he's always preferred to do his own washing. That way it's all kept separate and doesn't get mixed up with ours. I do my washing (obviously!), and our two teenagers, plus towels/bedding etc, so quite a lot!

We stayed with dh's family recently and as we were packing his mum commented my washing machine will be in demand once we're back! Dh chipped in 'I'll be first, van get all mine dine in about 2 loads'! His mum instantly said 'WHAT? Wisteria doesn't do your WASHING?! I said No, giving the reasons above. She pursed her lips, saying, 'That sounds alien to me, how weird!'

Yesterday my mum popped round, as dh got back from football training. He called out to me 'Is the washing machine empty? I'll put my stuff straight in if it is!' Mum turned to me - 'WHAT, you don't do it for him? In my day it was always the wife who washed football kit!' I explained that again, why he prefers to do his own and she just shook her head! When I offer to put his in with ours he always says no. I do plenty of washing but their reaction threw me, it's not as if he's washing for the whole house!

OP posts:
itsjustnotok · 17/04/2022 20:39

We work opposite shifts so whoever is at home does the washing.

Timeturnerplease · 17/04/2022 20:46

Older people are always shocked that DH does all of our cooking and food shopping. I often reply by saying that he hasn’t done the washing in the 15 years we’ve been together, so we’re on equal footing.

Older women are usually baffled by the latter comment!

BigFatLiar · 17/04/2022 20:48

When we married I was surprised to find not only had he ironed my things he'd also starched some of my things before ironing. I felt really smart for some reason.

BlueOverYellow · 17/04/2022 21:01

I'm just surprised you still do your teenagers' laundry...

Mine all have to do their own.

Riv · 17/04/2022 21:02

I’m in my 60s and my DH has always done most of our joint washing (jumped down my throat early on in the relationship when I asked him to put a wash on for me, pointing out that it was as much his washing as it was mine … thank you MiL 💐)
He also does most of the ironing and cooking! I do do my share of work in the house, I’m not spoiled, just grateful I didn’t need to have to fight for this equality- and wanted to point out that it’s not an older generation thing.

ToryWantsBorisOut · 17/04/2022 21:02

My husband happens to do most of the washing in our house, although obviously I do some too (it just depends who remembers / can be bothered to put a load on, and he tends to be better at this). U read these threads and am so grateful I wasn't born in the 1950s. I can't imagine my husband going out to do sport and then me being expected to do his washing just because I'm a woman. It would be absolutely alien to me.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 17/04/2022 21:03

Yeah why isn’t he just doing it all? My husband does all the washing/cleaning. I’d find it weird and selfish if he only did his and left mine and the kids! Same if I put a wash on I wouldn’t only wash my stuff.

pedropony76 · 17/04/2022 21:09

It's unusual for adults in a family to do it separately I would say. So whoever is putting a load on takes everything that needs doing.

It’s every man for themselves in my house😂
I’ve just completed all mine and DD’s washing and can see DPs wash basket is super full. He’ll get round to it at some point🤷‍♀️

Mellowyellow222 · 17/04/2022 21:10

@VyeBrator

Oh don't be so fake wide-eyed 🤣🤣

You know this will be because previous generations of women nearly always washed their husband's clothes.

Not true for everyone. My dad is in his seventies and he always did at least half the housework.

He wouldn’t have been so selfish or sexist as to wash his own cloths and not do the family washing.

pedropony76 · 17/04/2022 21:10

@BlueOverYellow

I'm just surprised you still do your teenagers' laundry...

Mine all have to do their own.

Same. Everyone’s different but I think my mum showed me how to use the washing machine from when I was like 9 or 10. My sister is 14 and has been doing her own washing since she was in year 6 or maybe even before
Mellowyellow222 · 17/04/2022 21:12

@Wisteriabloom

Jackie Collins - It's not that I'm eager for him to 'let me', it's just if I'm putting a half load on, or I can see he's got loads of washing, it seems practical for me to put his in with mine & DC's, but he always says no as he wants his kept separate, and wants to do it in his own time.

To the poster who asked why he doesn't do mine & DC's, it's never come up, he wouldn't think to!

Really? Is he selfish in other ways?

I couldn’t cope with this - would give me the rage. What a prick

Hellocatshome · 17/04/2022 21:13

Same. Everyone’s different but I think my mum showed me how to use the washing machine from when I was like 9 or 10. My sister is 14 and has been doing her own washing since she was in year 6 or maybe even before

Doesn't this just lead to loads of part loads being washed? If we just washed out own clothes and split them into whites, darks etc I wouldn't have enough for a full load each time.

pedropony76 · 17/04/2022 21:22

@Hellocatshome yeah I guess this is true. Looking back we never had a full wash on, we’d just put it on the 1hr30 or 1hr setting at 40 degrees. Maybe because we mainly had our school uniform and my mum wouldn’t want to wash her clothes with our uniform. I also think she wanted us to independent and not just assume mum will do our washing. It was apart of our chores so I guess it made sense

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/04/2022 21:22

It feels like a criticism of their lives I guess.

It sounds like they were surprised rather than critical so just move on.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 18/04/2022 00:37

@BlueOverYellow

I'm just surprised you still do your teenagers' laundry...

Mine all have to do their own.

Can't they just take a turn to do everyone's? Very wasteful to do lots of small loads.
AlexaShutUp · 18/04/2022 00:47

I do mine, DH does his, DD does hers and has been doing that since she was around 9/10. It isn't uneconomical to split it, we all wait until we have a full load. Occasionally we'll ask each other if we haven't got a full load and want to combine something. It works for us!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/04/2022 00:52

To the poster who asked why he doesn't do mine & DC's, it's never come up, he wouldn't think to!

Serious question... why?! Because the only reason I can think that one adult 'wouldn't think' to do something as run of the mill as their kids' laundry during the course of parenting them is that they think it's the other adult's job by default due to them having a vagina.

Ugh.

honeybushbunch · 18/04/2022 00:54

We do ours separately too - I have lots of things that wash on different delicates cycles, and DH just bungs all his stuff in together and is liable to ruin things, so I don’t let him put my things on (nor do I want his sweaty socks washed with my pants or bras or whatever!)

My dad’s always done his own washes separately too - ironing and everything - as he’s fussy and likes them done a specific way. I think my mum did his washing early on, in the 70s. But she definitely wasn’t doing it by the mid 80s as far as I recall. My mum would definitely not be horrified that we wash ours separately!

SerenavanderWoodsenHumphrey · 18/04/2022 00:59

Because they, like much of the general population, have internalised misogyny so completely that they aren't even consciously aware that they're bigots. You're welcome.

cherish123 · 18/04/2022 01:11

Very sexist. When I was growing up in the early 80s, my dad did most of washing. However, a lot of people I know would still it as a "woman's job".

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/04/2022 01:20

@cherish123

Very sexist. When I was growing up in the early 80s, my dad did most of washing. However, a lot of people I know would still it as a "woman's job".
I agree this used to be the (sexist and rubbish) norm.

OP's partner does hold these views to an extent I think though, as he sees washing the kids clothing as her job - she says he 'wouldn't think' to do their laundry.

And assuming he isn't stupid / doesn't think that washing fairies do it, he knows someone does and knows it's his wife.

So he must think it's her job more than his. Still outdated and still sexist, even if it's a slight improvement!

alexdgr8 · 18/04/2022 01:55

why do you do the teenagers' washing for them? why don't they do it.

why doesn't husband do theirs/yours as well as his own ?

VeganGod · 18/04/2022 05:03

I don’t know why you don’t understand your MILs/mothers view on this, as you seem to follow the same traditional view on it. You do all the washing and ‘he wouldn’t even think of doing it’, apart from his precious sports kit. 🙃

littlese · 18/04/2022 05:47

My DH does all our laundry 🤷🏻‍♀️

Riv · 18/04/2022 08:05

I’m not that old but things have changed a lot in a couple of generations. My mum did all the washing when I was a child, but she was a stay at home mum for most of that time. She didn’t have an automatic washing machine or a dryer and the process did take most of the day. My grandmother washed in a possytub with a mangle into the early 1970s.
One wage was often enough to keep a family, occasionally the second adult had a part time job, but it was a bit shameful if the wage earner “had to send his wife out to work” (a phrase I heard often in the 1960s and sometimes in the 70s). Formal childcare was rare so someone needed to be home for the children. Housework was tough without the appliances we have now. For example we didn’t have a fridge until I was 9, this was normal in my area. Dishwashers were unheard of. Microwaves had not been invented. Takeaway was just the local chippy and seen as a treat (or a failure in parenting if used frequently). Fresh food shopping happened daily.
Different times meant jobs were divided differently. It takes time to adjust to new patterns of behaviour. Women have seen the most change and now it’s the norm to work outside of the home but we haven’t all managed to change our expectations of house-management and childcare responsibilities. It’s slowly happening but I think it’s going to take a bit longer than I had hoped.