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Original poster

When did you decide your pregnancy was really actually going to result in a baby?

84 replies

AliceAbsolum · 17/04/2022 16:45

I literally have no idea what to think about it. 7 years TTC, 5 IVF cycles, fell pregnant on the last cycle, got to 8 weeks and really thought it was going to actually work, miscarriage at 8 +3.
6+2 now. 2 embryos so high chance of twins.

Everyone who knows about the pregnancy (a few people, as we have been doing ivf for years) are talking about the baby and when it will be born, my friend got me to register with my GP surgery so I've got my booking appointment in the diary.
DH and I will have to shift jobs and move house before a baby is born so we will need to start actually acting like it's going to happen at some point.

When did you start to think and act like your pregnancy would actually turn into a real life baby? 12 weeks?

OP posts:
USaYwHatNow · 17/04/2022 19:27

Congratulations, I really hope everything goes well for you and your DH. I'm a midwife and had an early miscarriage last year at 6 weeks. I spent the whole (short) time I was pregnant preparing my DH for the fact that I'd miscarry (too much knowledge) but was still absolutely devastated. More so than I expected because I thought I'd protected myself.

Im now 18 weeks pregnant, and was very lucky to fall pregnant straight away both times. I started to believe it might be real when I got past the 6 week point (past the point I miscarried the first time) then felt better at 8 weeks as had an early scan, then even more so at 10 weeks when we had a private scan.

It didn't feel real for a while also due to the fact that my parents (first grandchild) were extremely guarded, but are now really excited. I think other people's reactions have helped me relax a bit and start to believe that this may actually result in a baby!

I've been feeling movements for about 2 weeks now but because of my job (I work in Midwifery specialising in bereavement and investigations) and the things I'm exposed to I don't think it'll be 'real' until we bring them home.

I think what you're experiencing is a completely normal response, but I hope all will be well

TulipsGarden · 17/04/2022 19:32

At about 25 weeks I started buying a few bits, until then I just had many lists. I had severe anxiety and didn't buy anything big until 30 weeks, and even then it was because my partner insisted we needed stuff in case baby came early. (I didn't believe there would be a baby so that wasn't really a concern for me.)

I had a sudden, terrifying realisation that I actually most likely would have a baby very soon at 38 weeks, when my friend who was due after me gave birth early. It was a huge shock! I was an extreme case obviously due to the anxiety, but I don't think it's that unusual.

Riverlee · 17/04/2022 19:35

When I was given the baby! I knew that the end result of pregnancies is a baby, but until dc was born, it was like playing at motherhood - buying the stuff etc. Difficult to explain, but being pregnant, and incubating a baby were almost two different things.

Interested in this thread?

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1st trimester Families General pregnancy
fossilsmorefossils · 17/04/2022 19:41

I felt that I had to start buying things at 24 weeks but still had doubts up until my c section. I had an early stillborn (and miscarriages, an ectopic and ivf) before so I think it was mostly self protection, DD was actually doing fine the entire pregnancy and was born very alert, kicking and crying. I just never felt comfortable giving in to my feelings until she was here.

It does weird things with your mind if getting pregnant is difficult, but most turn out succesful.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/04/2022 19:41

I set myself stages to get to. My first stage was 14wks. Once I got there it felt real, but I was still nervous. I told people around then too. But, like many, I never truly relaxed until my babies were safely born.

Good luck. Take one day at a time. xx

PurpleRainbowSun · 17/04/2022 19:43

I bought some stuff after 20 weeks but only really after birth

Flittingaboutagain · 17/04/2022 19:45

Well after a second trimester loss I didn't even tell anyone except my line manager until 22 weeks and even then it wasn't until the viability milestone that I started to think ok I might have a baby coming! Knowing about the shocking maternity care in my local hospitals too I didn't really believe baby would be OK until we were out of SC.

Original poster
AliceAbsolum · 17/04/2022 19:54

I bought the book "pregnancy after loss" she's a counselor who has had miscarriages. She thinks the best way to get through it is to believe it'll happen so you don't rob yourself of joy and no amount of not getting attached will save you from the suffering if something does go wrong. Week 5 is an exercise of writing to your baby. It doesn't sit very well with me. I'd love to just relax and assume it'll happen! But that seems foolish and setting yourself up for pain.
But maybe she's right and you would feel horrendous whether you believed it would happen or not?

OP posts:
Porridgeislife · 17/04/2022 20:10

6 rounds of IVF, first time pregnant (ever).

In denial for first trimester. Sort of believed it once the NIPT and dating scan came back ok.

Got a bit more confident at the 20w scan.

Currently 28w and fairly sure it will happen albeit still hyper aware it’s not a given. Still madly researching all the ways things can still go wrong. We just bought our pram and had a very heated debate over whether or not to unbox it (for very practical reasons - also moving house).

I don’t think it necessarily gets easier but once you feel them kicking & you pass viability at 24 ish weeks, it does start to feel more real. I still struggle not to dissolve into tears when I mention it’s an IVF baby though.

Misty999 · 17/04/2022 20:14

6ivf one miscarriage 5 years trying, at 20 weeks started to feel hopeful but didn't actually believe it till he was dangling over me as they pulled him out and he was crying. The tension that left my Body with the relief was surreal.

QuiltedHippo · 17/04/2022 20:17

@AliceAbsolum

I bought the book "pregnancy after loss" she's a counselor who has had miscarriages. She thinks the best way to get through it is to believe it'll happen so you don't rob yourself of joy and no amount of not getting attached will save you from the suffering if something does go wrong. Week 5 is an exercise of writing to your baby. It doesn't sit very well with me. I'd love to just relax and assume it'll happen! But that seems foolish and setting yourself up for pain. But maybe she's right and you would feel horrendous whether you believed it would happen or not?
This makes sense, I now wish I could have just enjoyed pregnancy after IVF a little more. You try to protect your heart and you don't want to jinx anything, but it'd be hell either way if the worst happened.

I was constantly saying, I'll relax when: we have our viability scan / heartbeat/ 12 weeks / kicks / 20 weeks / point of viability / finishing work / 3rd trimester / full term. It was much better after 20 weeks though never stress free. Sending you lots of calm vibes and good wishes Flowers

RIPWalter · 17/04/2022 20:21

A close friend had a stillbirth at 40+1 after an uneventful pregnancy, a few years before I became pregnant with DD (I remember vividly seeing a foot when baby was kicking a few days before she died, it was so shocking and unexpected).

With this playing heavily on my mind, and after a bit of researching on miscarriage rates once a normal heart beat/ultrasound has been performed, I decided that once I had a normal scan, and NIPT result at 10 weeks, that I would accept that the pregnancy was happening and start planning/buying things, otherwise I'd never accept it until DD was born.

I was still very nervous at my 20 week scan and during the second trimester when baby was technically viable but still very very tiny and extremely vulnerable. I definitely chilled out significantly after 27 weeks.

findingsomeone · 17/04/2022 20:30

I never thought pregnancy would result in a live baby. Not until she was born. I had an elective section and cried silent tears of disbelief when she was born.

No matter what I did I couldn't 'bond with bump' because I was so convinced she would die and/or wasn't real. To some extent if you've had infertility, pregnancy loss or both, I don't think any amount of reading books or counselling will help. Sometimes you have to shut down so much mentally to survive. My DD is nearly 2 now, and the light of my life. I still find it hard to believe she is real and that she is mine. It's made me cry typing this.

I couldn't write to my baby at week 5 type of thing. That would have firstly made me cringe, because I'm shit at that kind of emotional stuff, and secondly terrified me.

I did name her before she was born. She was her name from 11 weeks when I found out she was a girl (harmony test). I wanted to have something to cling to when she died, to remember her as something as real as possible and I hoped naming her would help with that. I feel so utterly privileged to have her in my life, she's a miracle to me.

Some people find books and Instagram people helpful for stuff like this but I couldn't engage with most of it. I can't now either, it's horrendously triggering still. There is no one size fits all for this kind of stuff. I was worried I wasn't bonding during pregnancy but it has all been fine despite that.

greendress789 · 17/04/2022 21:52

Alice I'm so pleased to read this. Have seen you on the infertility boards for years and am so happy for you.

For me it was at around 26 weeks. I was Googling 'miscarriage at x weeks' every week until then. We'd had an appt with the nurse and came home and I said to DH 'there's going to be a baby here'. And that's when it hit me.

Wishing you all the luck in the world ❤️

Hatinafield · 17/04/2022 21:55

I started panicking and crying as they wheeled me down for an emergency section after 28 hours of labour because I didn’t think there was really a baby in there and was convinced they were all going to shout at me for wasting their time Grin

You’ve been through a lot, OP. It’s ok to take your time. You don’t need to believe or feel anything today other than whatever gets you through. Good luck though Flowers

greendress789 · 17/04/2022 21:58

@findingsomeone

I never thought pregnancy would result in a live baby. Not until she was born. I had an elective section and cried silent tears of disbelief when she was born.

No matter what I did I couldn't 'bond with bump' because I was so convinced she would die and/or wasn't real. To some extent if you've had infertility, pregnancy loss or both, I don't think any amount of reading books or counselling will help. Sometimes you have to shut down so much mentally to survive. My DD is nearly 2 now, and the light of my life. I still find it hard to believe she is real and that she is mine. It's made me cry typing this.

I couldn't write to my baby at week 5 type of thing. That would have firstly made me cringe, because I'm shit at that kind of emotional stuff, and secondly terrified me.

I did name her before she was born. She was her name from 11 weeks when I found out she was a girl (harmony test). I wanted to have something to cling to when she died, to remember her as something as real as possible and I hoped naming her would help with that. I feel so utterly privileged to have her in my life, she's a miracle to me.

Some people find books and Instagram people helpful for stuff like this but I couldn't engage with most of it. I can't now either, it's horrendously triggering still. There is no one size fits all for this kind of stuff. I was worried I wasn't bonding during pregnancy but it has all been fine despite that.

I can totally relate to this ❤️
Badger1970 · 17/04/2022 22:00

Second baby was stillborn. With the 2 after, I didn't let myself hope until they were delivered and put into my arms.

I look back now and still don't know how the hell I did it.

Elsielouise13 · 17/04/2022 22:12

Not until about 12 hours after he was born.

LillyLeaf · 17/04/2022 22:14

After ivf and miscarriages I tried to tell myself after about 25 weeks but still couldn't really believe it might happen until after he was born. I was incredibly emotional during labour and still saying 'if this one works out'. I would have loved an anxiety free pregnancy.

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 17/04/2022 22:25

After the 12-week scan I allowed myself to believe everything would be ok. I had a miscarriage at just before 12 weeks between my children and so the first trimester of my third pregnancy was very nerve-wracking.

I watched a video on Instagram quite recently where an ‘influencer’ announced their pregnancy and despite being only 5 or 6 weeks was talking like there would definitely be a baby at the end of it, seemed crazy to me to be so confident but I suppose the naivety of a first pregnancy is something I lost after my miscarriage.

User280905 · 17/04/2022 22:31

When they wheeled the little plastic cot into the room when I was in early labour and i realised that there would be a baby in it in a few hours. I hadn't believed it was real until then.

I'd had abstract thoughts before then about what it might be like, I had this bizarre idea that somehow I'd be horse riding again once I'd given birth and I could go any time of the day because I'd be on maternity leave. In this fantasy world I hadn't considered at all where my baby would be while I was riding around the countryside in the middle of the day.

But it wasn't real until I saw that cot. That was a weird moment, I'll never forget it.

Begoniagal7 · 17/04/2022 22:32

Cautious congrats. My LO was born via IVF, after several spontaneous losses and a failed fresh transfer. I didn’t believe I’d have a “take home baby” until after birth, it felt like I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It did become more real after the 12 and 20 week scans and then again after 24 and 28 weeks. But really not until after delivery, and even then it took some time to believe DC wouldn’t somehow be taken away from me. (I developed postnataL anxiety, it was awful!)

I’m currently pregnant again with our last embryo, 14 weeks and feeling almost like a “normal” pregnant person and much more relaxed than with baby #1. But still qualify every comment about this Bub with “if things go well…” because it feels like nothing is ever a guarantee. (Despite being a midwife and knowing, in fact, usually things turn out just fine!)

Infertility scars you, it really does. Wish you all the best, OP.

Glassesmare · 17/04/2022 22:33

With DC1 I didn't even believe I was going to have a baby whilst in labour! I was so convinced something would go wrong and really detached myself from them throughout the whole pregnancy. It only took us a year to conceive but I was so certain that I would never be lucky enough to hold my own baby. I have 3 wonderful DCs now. Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

lawandgin · 17/04/2022 22:52

About 30 weeks. IVF pregnancy here too. I'm have an ELCS on Thursday and I still can't quite comprehend what will be happening and that there will be a baby - my baby - at the end of it.

NobleYeats1 · 18/04/2022 00:06

Lots of ivf here. Now nearly 27 weeks pregnant and still saying ‘if’ and ‘hopefully’ and ‘all going well’ but we are definitely getting close to believing it’s real. Haven’t bought a thing or even gone into a shop to look at anything. We’ve a scan at 30 weeks and said after that and all going well we will start shopping!

Just take your time there is no rush. We are in a bit of a holding pattern. Just taking it day by day and being happy as each week passes.

I did sign up to pregnancy yoga and I’ve missed the first two classes as I’m almost afraid to go so I am still not there yet myself!