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Original poster

Dh was really dismissive of me on a night out with friends this week - Am I over-reacting?

53 replies

Wisteriabloom · 15/04/2022 10:59

We're luckily to.have an outdoor venue near us, with live music, food & drink stalls, which has just opened up for beginning of summer season.

Dh & I spent an evening there with friends this week. I was meeting them there slightly later, as had to wait for a friend to drop something off. All fine.

As I was nearing the venue I texted dh as agreed, to ask whereabouts they were, it's quite a big area! He texted where to find them, but they weren't there. I eventually found them, a few minutes walk from where he said they were. I wandered up and said hi, everyone greeted me, but dh barely looked my way and just muttered 'Oh hi'. I asked why he didn't tell me they'd moved on, he just said they decided to get another round of drinks in and assumed I'd find them. 🤔

Later in the evening I was chatting to a few of them about something that happened recently (funny story, a whole other thread! 😀 Dh turned away, and started talking to the couple on his other side about something completely different! I said on the quiet to him 'Oh, was I boring you?' He said 'I was there at the time, there's nothing new to say about it'!

I was enjoying myself, catching up with the others but was aware of dh being distinctly 'off' with me, but fine with everyone else.

Towards the end of the evening, one of the others mentioned a wedding reception we were all at last summer, where one of the bride's friends was wearing very little on the dance floor, leaving little to the imagination! Dh said to his friend 'OMG yeah, and those damn waitresses kept getting in the way, spoiling my view!!' I wasn't right next to him when he said this, but heard and my expression must have changed as dh's friend nudged him, saying 'Look at Wisteria, you're in her bad books now!' Dh just did a mock eyeroll and laughed along with him. 🤔

Dh & I have had some lovely times recently, weekend away the other week, family birthdays, lunch out on Sunday (using a voucher we were given for Xmas), and all has been great. I told him when we got back I was a bit upset he didn't seem to want me there with the others, but he completely dismissed it and said I was over-reacting. I wasn't, was I?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 15/04/2022 11:01

No you weren't.

Ohquietone · 15/04/2022 11:05

I wouldn’t say you’re overreacting. Sounds like your DH wasn’t particularly nice to you on the night out. What’s his behaviour like in general?

MissMaple82 · 15/04/2022 11:09

You weren't over reacting at all, but it sounds like he's checked out to be honest

ComDummings · 15/04/2022 11:11

He sounds like he was being a total dick to you.

Ilovehatecleaning · 15/04/2022 11:11

I don't think you're overreacting. Does he change when he's around people? Does he put on a different character?

Herejustforthisone · 15/04/2022 11:30

No. He was unkind to you and you did not overreact. But the only person he showed up here was himself.

Bagelsandbrie · 15/04/2022 11:35

Was there someone there that he fancies? Odd question but seems like he was annoyed you showed up and was trying to distance himself from you.

AfterSchoolWorry · 15/04/2022 11:43

@Bagelsandbrie

Was there someone there that he fancies? Odd question but seems like he was annoyed you showed up and was trying to distance himself from you.
Yep.

Barely concealed contempt of you.

Hugasauras · 15/04/2022 11:47

Oh dear, it sounds like he really didn't want you there Sad

Honestopinion23 · 15/04/2022 11:47

This doesn’t sound good tbh, especially the comments about the female wedding guest. I think he’s checked out of the marriage and is doing his best to be a wanker to you in the hope that you will be the one to leave him first. He sounds like a twat.

Hugasauras · 15/04/2022 11:48

Does he see those friends as 'his' friends as opposed to joint friends?

Imissmoominmama · 15/04/2022 11:50

@Honestopinion23- that’s a massive leap you’re making there. Did you read the last paragraph of the OP?

Blossomandbee · 15/04/2022 11:52

You're not overreacting. Something was obviously up and it doesn't sound like he wanted you there for some reason.
What was he like once home?

Bellyups · 15/04/2022 11:58

He behaviour sounds like he was highly irritated with you. Did he fancy some time away from you? Are you quite loud? Not that any of this excuses his rudeness of course

Honestopinion23 · 15/04/2022 12:03

[quote Imissmoominmama]@Honestopinion23- that’s a massive leap you’re making there. Did you read the last paragraph of the OP?[/quote]
I did. Can’t see it changes much. Who treats their spouse like that, especially loudly talking about how they want to see a scantily clad woman dancing when their wife is sitting right next to them?

Eastie77Returns · 15/04/2022 12:09

Usual MN dramatic response. OP should LTB who has ‘checked out’ of their marriage because he moved a few yards away from their meet-up point, didn’t see the point of listening in to an incident/joke he’s probably already heard a dozen times and made a joke about a scantily clad woman.

Yes OP, time to get your ducks in a row and consult a solicitorHmm

TokyoSushi · 15/04/2022 12:09

Hmm, doesn't sound right, a bit like a child showing off in front of his friends.

Iamblossom · 15/04/2022 12:11

That would have hurt my feelings alot. I'm sorry he was so rude. Seems a very contemptuous way to behave. Was he showing off?

Flickflak · 15/04/2022 12:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

FeelingYellow · 15/04/2022 12:15

It’s always a red flag to me when someone’s response to your feelings etc is labelled as an overreaction.
I wouldn’t personally feel safe any longer sharing my feelings with this man, and therefore regardless of his dickish behaviour, would consider the relationship done.
Ps- why didn’t the friends stick up for you? Can you call them friends?

grapewines · 15/04/2022 12:15

@Eastie77Returns

Usual MN dramatic response. OP should LTB who has ‘checked out’ of their marriage because he moved a few yards away from their meet-up point, didn’t see the point of listening in to an incident/joke he’s probably already heard a dozen times and made a joke about a scantily clad woman.

Yes OP, time to get your ducks in a row and consult a solicitorHmm

Yeah, this.

Perhaps you need to start looking at his phone, too, OP...

YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj · 15/04/2022 12:16

@Eastie77Returns

Usual MN dramatic response. OP should LTB who has ‘checked out’ of their marriage because he moved a few yards away from their meet-up point, didn’t see the point of listening in to an incident/joke he’s probably already heard a dozen times and made a joke about a scantily clad woman.

Yes OP, time to get your ducks in a row and consult a solicitorHmm

This.
Original poster
Wisteriabloom · 15/04/2022 12:19

Thanks for all your replies - the weird thing is that when he left to meet them he kissed me goodbye, said see you soon and was in a great mood.

He CAN change occasionally, depending on who he's with, but that's more if someone appears unexpectedly, for example, if we're out with the kids and a friend, or work colleague happens to be in the same restaurant and suddenly comes up to chat, I can sense slight awkwardness, not knowing what to say, suddenly having people from different contexts all together. Years back when we first got together, it was a long time before he seemed fully relaxed with my parents & his parents all around the table together, so yes, there can be awkwardness in these situations, but he KNEW I was joining them for this!

Originally I suppose the men who were there the other night were his friends rather than joint, (they've all been in the same running club for the last 10 ish years), but their partners & myself have become friends over the last 5 years I suppose, so surely they're all classed as 'joint' friends now, rather than 'his friends & their wives'?

I don't think he fancies any of them, that's never sprung to mind! And no, I'm not loud, I'm one of the quieter ones of the group. Dh is definitely louder than me!

He seemed fine again when we got home, we walked the last 10 mins (once everyone had gone their separate ways) hand in hand as normal. When I mentioned his behaviour he said he'd thought it was a great evening, didn't realise he'd been 'off' with me and was enjoying catching up on everyone's news. Apparently the stuff that me and the two women I'm closest to in the group, were chatting about stuff he'd heard from me already, or heard from their dh's already. Sounds like he found our convo boring, but he's denying that. The comment about the woman at the wedding, he brushed off as lads' banter, but accepts he shouldn't have said it in front of me.

I''ve bern deliberately cool towards him since, he definitely realises he upset me.

OP posts:
YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj · 15/04/2022 12:20

Perhaps hire a PI to find out if he's cheating on you with
the woman "leaving little to the imagination" ( Hmm )

heartofgrass · 15/04/2022 12:24

I mean... admittedly I have pretty low standards but none of those things would've been a big deal to me. The moving thing, you found them so it wasn't the end of the world.
The starting another convo bit - you said you were chatting to a 'few of them' about it, so not all the group, so why shouldn't he start a side convo when he's already heard this story?

Are they mainly his friends so you feel a little like a spare part?