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Original poster

Dh was really dismissive of me on a night out with friends this week - Am I over-reacting?

53 replies

Wisteriabloom · 15/04/2022 10:59

We're luckily to.have an outdoor venue near us, with live music, food & drink stalls, which has just opened up for beginning of summer season.

Dh & I spent an evening there with friends this week. I was meeting them there slightly later, as had to wait for a friend to drop something off. All fine.

As I was nearing the venue I texted dh as agreed, to ask whereabouts they were, it's quite a big area! He texted where to find them, but they weren't there. I eventually found them, a few minutes walk from where he said they were. I wandered up and said hi, everyone greeted me, but dh barely looked my way and just muttered 'Oh hi'. I asked why he didn't tell me they'd moved on, he just said they decided to get another round of drinks in and assumed I'd find them. 🤔

Later in the evening I was chatting to a few of them about something that happened recently (funny story, a whole other thread! 😀 Dh turned away, and started talking to the couple on his other side about something completely different! I said on the quiet to him 'Oh, was I boring you?' He said 'I was there at the time, there's nothing new to say about it'!

I was enjoying myself, catching up with the others but was aware of dh being distinctly 'off' with me, but fine with everyone else.

Towards the end of the evening, one of the others mentioned a wedding reception we were all at last summer, where one of the bride's friends was wearing very little on the dance floor, leaving little to the imagination! Dh said to his friend 'OMG yeah, and those damn waitresses kept getting in the way, spoiling my view!!' I wasn't right next to him when he said this, but heard and my expression must have changed as dh's friend nudged him, saying 'Look at Wisteria, you're in her bad books now!' Dh just did a mock eyeroll and laughed along with him. 🤔

Dh & I have had some lovely times recently, weekend away the other week, family birthdays, lunch out on Sunday (using a voucher we were given for Xmas), and all has been great. I told him when we got back I was a bit upset he didn't seem to want me there with the others, but he completely dismissed it and said I was over-reacting. I wasn't, was I?

OP posts:

heartofgrass · 15/04/2022 12:25

Sorry just seen your update. Yes mountain and molehill.

Hawkins001 · 15/04/2022 12:30

It certainly seems unusual behaviour during the events op.

iloveruby · 15/04/2022 12:33

The moving a few minutes away from where you were meant to be meeting wouldn't have bothered me unless you'd then try to find out where he was and he had ignored your call / msg.

You whispering to him "am I boring you" was unnecessary and would have irritated me.

Overhearing my boyfriend commenting on another women would have massively pissed me off - i would find it very disrespectful but that is a known boundry in my relationship - do you normally tolerate that or is not something he'd usually say?

goldenbag · 15/04/2022 12:42

I'm sorry OP, but you sounding hard work. I always keep my distance from my DH son group nights out as I see him all the time and I want to catch up with friends! And I'm v happily married but it would really get on my nerves if he did the whole "are you ignoring me" routine on a group night out.

Original poster

Wisteriabloom · 15/04/2022 13:02

I'm not hard work at all, it just felt as though he couldn't be bothered to make the effort with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wisteriabloom · 15/04/2022 13:05

I was enjoying catching up with the others, just as I enjoy going out on my own to catch up with friends. But dh's offhand manner towards me put a dampener on it.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2022 13:06

Has this happened before? Is it a frequent thing?

DoodleBelle · 15/04/2022 13:15

Sounds like my first boyfriend. He was a dick too.

Paddingtonthebear · 15/04/2022 13:22

We know a couple who are often like this at social events. I find it quite awkward when one is being subtly “off” to their partner, but life and soul to everyone else and their partner just ignores or glosses over it most of the time. It’s a bit humiliating and I wouldn’t want to be with someone that does that.

EinsteinaGogo · 15/04/2022 13:47

I've recently heard the term 'dog whistling' in conjunction with relationships.

It's where your partner does or says negative things that only you can hear / would recognise as negative, outwardly appearing fine/the life and soul to others.

I suppose it's a form of gaslighting.

How often does it happen, OP?

Favourodds · 15/04/2022 13:56

Apparently the stuff that me and the two women I'm closest to in the group, were chatting about stuff he'd heard from me already, or heard from their dh's already. Sounds like he found our convo boring, but he's denying that.

But maybe he was finding your conversation boring? Does it matter? I find my husband talking to his friends extremely boring. If I was in a group of people chatting and he started telling a story I'd heard before, I would probably join a sub-group chat rather than dutifully listen to the retelling.

stripeyflowers · 15/04/2022 13:57

The main thing that would upset me is the comment about the waitresses getting in the way. I would think 'if he says that when I am there, what does he say when I'm not?'

LimeSegment · 15/04/2022 14:01

Hmm. I'd be a bit annoyed too, he didn't behave perfectly, but I'm not sure it's more than that. As I was reading your post I was expecting it to continue and describe the mean/embarrassing/cutting thing he said to you, but that never came.

Do you ever leave a social situation and think "hmm that wasn't my best work". Maybe that was him that night.

Original poster

Wisteriabloom · 15/04/2022 14:18

LimeSegment - That's just it - he didn't say anything cutting or mean directly to me, he was just noticeably dismissive towards me.

The comment about the woman on the dancefloor hurt me the most I suppose, that combined with the dismissiveness, was the last straw.

To the poster who asked how often this happens, it hasn't for a long time but he used to be prone to it years ago, I'd say
10 + years ago when he was younger, but I'd always call him out on it.

OP posts:

KosherDill · 15/04/2022 14:22

@goldenbag

Yeah, have to agree here.

chisanunian · 15/04/2022 14:24

@Paddingtonthebear

My first H was like this. We'd be at a party and he would be the life and soul, happy, laughing with everyone, telling jokes, lovely bloke. You'd think. And everyone else did think that. They all thought I was a miserable cow who didn't like them and didn't want to be there. But that was usually because he'd been an unmitigated bastard to me in the car on the way there so I'd be holding the tears back when we arrived, and he would then spend the entire evening making little digs at me and snide comments all the time.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2022 14:45

It just sounds like he was focusing on socialising with his friends rather than with you - presumably because it's a group outing and he sees you all the time. Maybe he didn't want to get too "couply" with you and miss out on hanging out with people he sees less often.

Oblomov22 · 15/04/2022 15:01

So why don't you say 'you're reverting to type, like the problems we had 10 years ago'. Then he'll know you're really peeved.

EinsteinaGogo · 15/04/2022 15:12

It's a really nasty trait, OP.

Lack of respect is a horrible thing in a relationship.

Only you know how bad it is / how deep it goes.

Are you financially independent of him?

Iamblossom · 15/04/2022 15:27

@stripeyflowers

The main thing that would upset me is the comment about the waitresses getting in the way. I would think 'if he says that when I am there, what does he say when I'm not?'

See I'm the opposite, I would see this as total banter and it wouldn't bother me at all. The other things would though, much more.

Step1234 · 15/04/2022 15:38

*I've recently heard the term 'dog whistling' in conjunction with relationships.

It's where your partner does or says negative things that only you can hear / would recognise as negative, outwardly appearing fine/the life and soul to others.

I suppose it's a form of gaslighting*

Wow never knew there was a name for this. An ex boyfriend used to do this and i recognised that behaviour in the op. He was a nasty bastard in many ways but this was one of his most insidious and destabilising tactics because it's like... He can be nice to everyone else but not me. What's wrong with me?

You're not hard work to expect your partner to be nice to you.

EinsteinaGogo · 15/04/2022 15:47

I didn't know Dog Whistling / the name for it either, @Step1234

A friend who works in family law told me about it recently. It's a term they use commonly, apparently (and unfortunately).

Completely insidious and destabilising- you're absolutely right, and I thought the same about the OPs post,

SpinningMeSoftly · 15/04/2022 15:53

My ExH will probably be doing this right now to his latest partner.

She won't be 'hard work'. She'll be hurt, confused and undoubtedly enmeshed financially with him, which is how and why he knows he can get away with it while playing at being Billy Got All The Mates.

Kezzie200 · 15/04/2022 15:54

I remember my first fiancee being like this and a final comment to me was "woof woof". I poured a pint over him, said never to treat me like that again, and left!

The relationship didn't last much longer. So, luckily I wasn't married but I can still feel today how it made me feel and I'm with you OP. You did well to keep your cool.

FairWindClearSailing · 15/04/2022 15:55

It really sounds like he just didn't want you there. Which is awful and I'm sorry

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